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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be convinced he was cheating on the basis of this?

102 replies

AaalrightyThen · 31/10/2021 12:54

Would the following make you suspicious?

My husband's working hours were such that he would be at home certain times of the week on his own until the kids come home from school. A local woman has a daughter who is friends with mine and whose daughter would be at my house every now and then.

She sent me a couple of texts over a few weeks mentioning she had been at my door while my husband was there and I was at work, with whatever reason (to ask about something happening in the street and something else I can't remember). It got my spidey senses tingling.

One day during my husband's normal days at home, he had to be at work for training. I came home early from work but didn't tell him. Lo and behold, this woman comes to the door. She seems to be acting a bit strangely (nervous chatter) and says she has lost her keys. I asked her if she wanted to come in, and she says no. So I asked her why had she come to the door then?! She realised, I think, that there would be no logical reason for her to come to my door with this strange 'lost keys' excuse if she didn't come in. So she came in, I made her a cup of tea, we chatted, and she leaves once she knows her daughter (with key) is on her way home.

On her way out the door she says something like 'oh is this not one of days at home?' I say oh not today. And off she goes.

To me, this woman was coming to the door expecting him to be in alone. Can't be many reasons why except the obvious, to my mind. Husband denies this strongly and can't think of any reason why this woman would have come to the door.

AIBU to think he had been having an affair with her while he had the house to himself?

OP posts:
CambsAlways · 31/10/2021 15:53

None of this sits comfortably with me, I think she texts you to cover herself for when she’s there at your house, I find that a bit strange actually! She has a major crush that’s obvious and would go further, I don’t trust your husband either to be honest, I’m one of an older generation so probably see things a bit different, also her querying why he wasn’t in at the particular day, bloody hell whose she a copper, nah doesn’t sit well with me op

Vulpius · 31/10/2021 15:59

@MyMabel I am absolutely aghast at the idea of anyone installing a camera in their house to spy on their OH.

Also: what use would "hard evidence" be to anyone? You do know that evidence makes exactly zero difference in a divorce, don't you?

rjacksmiss · 31/10/2021 16:03

Get a ring door bell. Sounds off.

itsallgoingpearshaped · 31/10/2021 16:06

Sounds like he's either cheating or enjoying the attention of a woman who is definitely interested in him.

I'd not be happy at all. Trust your instincts.

vajingleberry · 31/10/2021 16:10

@donquixotedelamancha

"Please help MN - I have just discovered that my OH has installed a hidden camera in the house to monitor my movements when he is at work" Can you imagine!!??.......Seems like it's double standard Sunday here on MN today.

You must be new here. Allow me to explain: OP is a woman therefore this would be getting her ducks in a row. If a man did it then it would be controling and creepy. HTH.

@donquixotedelamancha

No, I'm not new here. That was exactly point I was making Confused

Ourlady · 31/10/2021 16:15

Too many little coincidences there for me.
Why the hell would she turn up at your door if she had lost her keys? Surely she must have friends or relatives she could have gone to!
I would not be happy about a woman quite frequently being at my door(and telling me about it to cover her tracks)
Plus the viagra and suspicious previous messaging. I would bot trust a word out of his mouth.

TheWayTheLightFalls · 31/10/2021 16:28

I’d think she has a strong case of mentionitis and is calling round repeatedly because she fancies him, but that nothing has happened beyond perhaps him noticing and enjoying the attention.

I’ve been that woman, I’m afraid to say.

Bubbles92 · 31/10/2021 16:39

@butterpuffed

I don't think it's helped you to post in here because PPs are suggesting scenarios and you're invariably saying that's what you were thinking too.

You're overthinking. You've been together years, he's not been unfaithful but you think he might. It sounds as if you've never trusted him.

So much this. If you already don't trust him, and post on any form of social media, other people who may or may not have a personal history which means they are likely to be suspicious can chip in with their personal bias, so you're literally in an echo chamber reinforcing your views.

Figure out why you don't trust him. Get marriage counselling. Work out if you can come back from this/your mistrust. Discuss next steps.

IMHO she has a crush and he hasn't been as effective at nipping it in the bud as one would hope. She's pushing her luck to see if he'll take it further. And the viagra - I know my husband wouldn't want to admit to using it if it was necessary. Men take a lot of pride in being able to do the deed without help.

Nocutenamesleft · 31/10/2021 16:48

@SW1amp

I wouldn’t automatically assume he has been cheating but I would assume she was up to no good hoping to catch him alone at home But it’s whether or not he is in on it also that isn’t clear

Time for a Ring doorbell..?

Yes!!!!!!

A ring doorbell!!!

Nocutenamesleft · 31/10/2021 16:49

I think it’s more like she’s got a crush on him

Not that he’s having an affair.

pickingdaisies · 31/10/2021 17:02

In answer to your OP - yes it would make me suspicious. It's not conclusive, but it's dodgy as hell. Mind you, the porn watching would have had me out of the door anyway, I'd have irreversible ick from that alone.

Skysblue · 31/10/2021 17:02

If they were having an affair they’d be better at hiding it and she’d have known where he was.

She does sound like she wants an affair with him though. Suggest you ask him not to let her in the house again, surely he can just say he’s busy working.

You need to move on from “Agh he’s having an affair” to “Some creepy woman is trying to seduce my husband and I need to make sure my marriage is rock solid by working on communication etc

Re the viagra he probably just bought it then after reading side effects or whatever didn’t fancy it anymore. I have a few things in my bedside table that I bought then decided against! Doesn’t mean I’m using them with someone else 🤣

CustardySergeant · 31/10/2021 17:07

@Cuntness

It it was an affair, surely he'd have told her he wasn't going to be there that particular day.
That's an excellent point, I'm sure he would have. I think it's more likely that she likes him and wants to spend time with him, maybe turns up a lot uninvited. Whether her feelings are platonic or not remains to be seen.
2catsandhappy · 31/10/2021 17:09

Turn up early/unexpectedly again. If you find something, well there is your proof. If you don't, it might put your mind at rest.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 31/10/2021 17:13

I would actually think affair or at least an innapropriate friendship based on your description of his reaction. "Rabbit in the headlights".

Horst · 31/10/2021 17:16

Just get a ring doorbell claim is was a great offer or a secret Santa or a gift from a friend.

UltimateBugKilla · 31/10/2021 17:23

Ring door bell was my first thought and a normal camera covering the garden.

Hawkins001 · 31/10/2021 17:27

All the best op, how's are things now ?

AaalrightyThen · 31/10/2021 17:32

@Hawkins001

All the best op, how's are things now ?
Going through the motions to be honest. Been going from deciding to put suspicions behind me and make the best of things and staying distant and waiting it out. Waiting for what I don't know. Lockdown and COVID has meant everything is in limbo anyway. I don't know. I don't think the mistrust is going to go away though.
OP posts:
girlmom21 · 31/10/2021 17:39

I agree with the majority here who say this is a crush on her part. He's probably been awkwardly polite and invited her in for a coffee which is why he seemed anxious when you confronted him, because he knew how it'd look.

You know him better than any of us though.

AcrossthePond55 · 31/10/2021 17:54

Well, IDK if he's cheating or not, but your statement 'I think about leaving all the time' is something that I think you need to think seriously about a bit more. Maybe all this 'is he cheating?' is really your way of trying to give yourself a 'real good reason' to leave. Because you don't need to 'create' a reason to leave. If you aren't happy and if you don't love him, that's enough reason to leave right there. So I'd 'set aside' the possible cheating issue and think about your life and the marriage 'in its totality' and figure out if I really wanted to be there in the first place.

AaalrightyThen · 31/10/2021 18:03

@AcrossthePond55

Well, IDK if he's cheating or not, but your statement 'I think about leaving all the time' is something that I think you need to think seriously about a bit more. Maybe all this 'is he cheating?' is really your way of trying to give yourself a 'real good reason' to leave. Because you don't need to 'create' a reason to leave. If you aren't happy and if you don't love him, that's enough reason to leave right there. So I'd 'set aside' the possible cheating issue and think about your life and the marriage 'in its totality' and figure out if I really wanted to be there in the first place.
Very perceptive x
OP posts:
Whereismumhiding3 · 31/10/2021 18:43

I don't usually say someone is cheating. But his reactions and your gut instincts that he isn't being honest with you and is hiding something- probably have a basis whether it's a full blown affair or not, he's been enjoying her flirty visits with him and was caught

I would come home unexpectedly a few times

And it's nog a bad idea to get a Ring doorbell anyway. They're very useful (but can be switched off by turning off wifi however that'd be suspicious)

Whereismumhiding3 · 31/10/2021 18:44

It's mot about gathering evidence for a divorce. It's about knowing something is off and finding out whether your partner is lying to you

BoredZelda · 31/10/2021 21:56

"Please help MN - I have just discovered that my OH has installed a hidden camera in the house to monitor my movements when he is at work"

Or, “please help me MN - my husband discovered I was cheating on him because he had installed cameras (one that I knew about) in my home”

I suspect that would be less of a POLICE NOW response.