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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be convinced he was cheating on the basis of this?

102 replies

AaalrightyThen · 31/10/2021 12:54

Would the following make you suspicious?

My husband's working hours were such that he would be at home certain times of the week on his own until the kids come home from school. A local woman has a daughter who is friends with mine and whose daughter would be at my house every now and then.

She sent me a couple of texts over a few weeks mentioning she had been at my door while my husband was there and I was at work, with whatever reason (to ask about something happening in the street and something else I can't remember). It got my spidey senses tingling.

One day during my husband's normal days at home, he had to be at work for training. I came home early from work but didn't tell him. Lo and behold, this woman comes to the door. She seems to be acting a bit strangely (nervous chatter) and says she has lost her keys. I asked her if she wanted to come in, and she says no. So I asked her why had she come to the door then?! She realised, I think, that there would be no logical reason for her to come to my door with this strange 'lost keys' excuse if she didn't come in. So she came in, I made her a cup of tea, we chatted, and she leaves once she knows her daughter (with key) is on her way home.

On her way out the door she says something like 'oh is this not one of days at home?' I say oh not today. And off she goes.

To me, this woman was coming to the door expecting him to be in alone. Can't be many reasons why except the obvious, to my mind. Husband denies this strongly and can't think of any reason why this woman would have come to the door.

AIBU to think he had been having an affair with her while he had the house to himself?

OP posts:
5thnonblonde · 31/10/2021 15:06

I’d trust your gut on this one, sounds like you’ve had a few alarm bells ringing.

If you want to catch him you’d be better off coming home unexpectedly after being taken ill at work. I’d think about what you want to happen though- if it’s divorce then get your ducks in a row.

donquixotedelamancha · 31/10/2021 15:07

honestly if I was getting to the stage of doing that I would prefer to just get divorced.

I really think you need to talk to your husband and decide whether this would be best for you both.

Perhaps he needs to accept that he needs to win back your trust by being excessively open about anything which might lead to suspicion, or perhaps you need to accept that you won't ever trust him.

AaalrightyThen · 31/10/2021 15:07

@JustLyra

How long was there between her leaving and him arriving home?

Did she have time to message him and tell him what had happened? It wouldn't take long to erase her number and messages from his phone.

It would be odd that she didn't know he wasn't home today if they were up to something, but it's very odd that she behaved the way she did.

With everything you said I'd also be wondering if she was a regular visitor and had just forgotten that today was an office day (much like I forgot today that DH is working from home because it was ages ago he mentioned it).

Plenty of time for him to delete the messages. I'm afraid to say I have been so confused and messed up about this whole thing that it took me weeks and weeks to speak to him about it. Because on the one hand it would be such an awful thing to do, in my own house, that I could hardly believe it could happen. But on the other hand, I know that people do these things and worse all the time.

Why I didn't confront her as she was leaving when she queried why it wasn't him in that day, I don't know. It would have been so easy to say something to her then - even a joke 'sorry to disappoint' and gauge her reaction. I have gone over it in my head so many times.

It's a horrible feeling not being able to trust him. I am getting on with things and making plans for the future together, and family things but at the back of my mind I think about splitting up all the time.

OP posts:
ChargingBuck · 31/10/2021 15:08

Plus you’d need to get your ducks in a row for the divorce, hard evidence is key.

Key to what, @MyMabel?

AaalrightyThen · 31/10/2021 15:09

You are all right - I don't trust him and I need to either work on that or get on with splitting up. I feel like I have wasted years of my life not trusting him.

OP posts:
DoesHePlayTheFiddle · 31/10/2021 15:09

Fiddle has a suspicious mind. Fiddle thinks:

Your DH has had this woman round for sex, probably more than once. She has messaged you, partly to let you know something is up and partly as cover in case you're told by a neighbour that she's been seen at your house.

DH is cooling it. She came round on the off-chance of a shag and to revitalise the relationship.

The viagra is the killer punch. If it was for you, he'd have talked about it.

He's not that into her - but he has been.

AaalrightyThen · 31/10/2021 15:10

@DoesHePlayTheFiddle

Fiddle has a suspicious mind. Fiddle thinks:

Your DH has had this woman round for sex, probably more than once. She has messaged you, partly to let you know something is up and partly as cover in case you're told by a neighbour that she's been seen at your house.

DH is cooling it. She came round on the off-chance of a shag and to revitalise the relationship.

The viagra is the killer punch. If it was for you, he'd have talked about it.

He's not that into her - but he has been.

Fiddle this is pretty much exactly my thoughts about it
OP posts:
5thnonblonde · 31/10/2021 15:12

The only evidence a court would accept for adulterous is a dna test from the resultant child- or the respondent admitting it. That’s why only 10% of divorces are on the grounds of adultery but you can put ‘inappropriate relationship’ under unreasonable behaviour

Motherland101 · 31/10/2021 15:19

HRTFT OP, but it seems like the woman is being a bit weird. Not necessarily your DH. Maybe she does have a crush on your DH as the PPs said.

Did your DH say anything about her previous visits? What she wanted, whether he invited her in for a tea & coffee etc?

As I said, it does sound strange but more for her than for him.

WhoWants2Know · 31/10/2021 15:20

🙄 at him saying he used Viagra by himself

AaalrightyThen · 31/10/2021 15:24

@WhoWants2Know

🙄 at him saying he used Viagra by himself
I know! I could imagine him doing it once to test out what effect it had on him.
OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 31/10/2021 15:25

I can’t imagine how monumentally stupid you’d need to be to arrange your affair partner to come round for a shag and forget to tell them you’d not be there that day, but then be smart enough to get rid of the evidence on your phone.

Doesn’t add up to me. So no I’d not suspect an affair.

AaalrightyThen · 31/10/2021 15:27

I get what your saying, I was more thinking its could have played out as Fiddle above had suggested

He's maybe not the sharpest knife in the drawer mind you, and I don't get the impression she is either (But what the fuck does that make me?!)

OP posts:
AaalrightyThen · 31/10/2021 15:27

*you're

OP posts:
Joystir59 · 31/10/2021 15:29

It's possible he has had sex with this woman. Possible he has been unfaithful before too. When I split with my ex after she told me she was having an affair it turned out that she was never faithful to me. There were lots of little signs in retrospect. I just assumed she was faithful.

Sneezecakesmama · 31/10/2021 15:32

Time for a hidden camera/recorder i think

butterpuffed · 31/10/2021 15:32

I don't think it's helped you to post in here because PPs are suggesting scenarios and you're invariably saying that's what you were thinking too.

You're overthinking. You've been together years, he's not been unfaithful but you think he might. It sounds as if you've never trusted him.

LakieLady · 31/10/2021 15:36

@Tittyfilarious81

It sounds like she's got a crush on him and is trying her luck
That's exactly what I thought, too!
Bluntness100 · 31/10/2021 15:37

@butterpuffed

I don't think it's helped you to post in here because PPs are suggesting scenarios and you're invariably saying that's what you were thinking too.

You're overthinking. You've been together years, he's not been unfaithful but you think he might. It sounds as if you've never trusted him.

I agree, on here they are always cheating. Always. And I think that’s detrimental because actually sometimes they aren’t.

And if you’re the jealous type then these posts will just feed your insecurity.

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/10/2021 15:38

@donquixotedelamancha

"Please help MN - I have just discovered that my OH has installed a hidden camera in the house to monitor my movements when he is at work" Can you imagine!!??.......Seems like it's double standard Sunday here on MN today.

You must be new here. Allow me to explain: OP is a woman therefore this would be getting her ducks in a row. If a man did it then it would be controling and creepy. HTH.

Except most of the people on this thread think it's not OK. It's creepy and if you're doing it, your marriage is over. The OP has said as much.
WhenISnappedAndFarted · 31/10/2021 15:39

@butterpuffed

I don't think it's helped you to post in here because PPs are suggesting scenarios and you're invariably saying that's what you were thinking too.

You're overthinking. You've been together years, he's not been unfaithful but you think he might. It sounds as if you've never trusted him.

I agree with this too.
Midlifemusings · 31/10/2021 15:39

Sounds like she likes attention from him so she makes up excuses to drop by. Probably lonely and craving male attention and sees this as one way to get it. I don't see any evidence he is cheating.

Your lack of trust could be about your own insecurities versus him actually being untrustworthy.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 31/10/2021 15:42

So does your DH remember her being at your door before?

I agree with other posters, sounds like she has a crush. How does she know when he might be at home by himself? Can she see your front door from her house?

WhereYouLeftIt · 31/10/2021 15:46

"She sent me a couple of texts over a few weeks mentioning she had been at my door while my husband was there and I was at work"

Well, whatever is going on - she definitely wants you to think something is going on. She's drawn your attention to this more than once. She wants you to think your husband is being unfaithful. Could be-

  1. They are having an affair and she's pissed that he's not left you yet so she's engineering it for you to throw him out
  2. They are having an affair and she thinks she's cleverly covering for why someone may have seen her at your door
  3. They aren't having an affair but she really really wants to have an affair with him

But, the most important thing in this thread is that you don't trust him.

As an aside - maybe he has been "having a bit of trouble in that department" because "he has watched a fair bit of porn"? It is known to have a desensitising effect.

oakleaffy · 31/10/2021 15:53

Crush on her part.
Was she dolled up?
(For want of a better word?)
Your husband may be entirely innocent.

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