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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be convinced he was cheating on the basis of this?

102 replies

AaalrightyThen · 31/10/2021 12:54

Would the following make you suspicious?

My husband's working hours were such that he would be at home certain times of the week on his own until the kids come home from school. A local woman has a daughter who is friends with mine and whose daughter would be at my house every now and then.

She sent me a couple of texts over a few weeks mentioning she had been at my door while my husband was there and I was at work, with whatever reason (to ask about something happening in the street and something else I can't remember). It got my spidey senses tingling.

One day during my husband's normal days at home, he had to be at work for training. I came home early from work but didn't tell him. Lo and behold, this woman comes to the door. She seems to be acting a bit strangely (nervous chatter) and says she has lost her keys. I asked her if she wanted to come in, and she says no. So I asked her why had she come to the door then?! She realised, I think, that there would be no logical reason for her to come to my door with this strange 'lost keys' excuse if she didn't come in. So she came in, I made her a cup of tea, we chatted, and she leaves once she knows her daughter (with key) is on her way home.

On her way out the door she says something like 'oh is this not one of days at home?' I say oh not today. And off she goes.

To me, this woman was coming to the door expecting him to be in alone. Can't be many reasons why except the obvious, to my mind. Husband denies this strongly and can't think of any reason why this woman would have come to the door.

AIBU to think he had been having an affair with her while he had the house to himself?

OP posts:
SecretSpAD · 31/10/2021 13:32

@MyMabel

Amazon’s blink cameras are about £25 and alert and record any movement for up to 30 seconds, with sound.

It’s slightly unethical to install a camera without his knowledge though, so tell him you’re installing it; but install two - if he only knows about one then he only knows to avoid or turn off the one when needed, leaving the other rolling.

And if a man did that to a woman, what would you say? Ffs
MyMabel · 31/10/2021 13:36

@SecretSpAD if my husband told me he was installing a cream in the house I wouldn’t have an issue (we do have cameras in the house dotted around) - if I was caught cheating by one of those cameras, whether I knew about it or not then.. we’ll more fool me for cheating, I don’t get how anyone can complain about being caught cheating, he or she wouldn’t have a leg to stand on. Plus you’d need to get your ducks in a row for the divorce, hard evidence is key.

If he consents to a camera in the house then what’s the difference in having one camera than two in the same room different placement? Cake

AaalrightyThen · 31/10/2021 13:36

@KarmaStar

Perhaps she's interested in him and he enjoys the attention? I would not leap to the having sex whilst you're out though. Do you trust him?
No I don't really trust him. Never really thought he had really been unfaithful up until now although over the years he has moaned about not having enough sex, he has watched a fair bit of porn (using the lack of sex as an excuse) and I have caught him exchanging messages with strangers on social media twice. I have always had the feeling he would do be unfaithful if it was offered on a plate though.
OP posts:
vajingleberry · 31/10/2021 13:37

Amazon’s blink cameras are about £25 and alert and record any movement for up to 30 seconds, with sound

"Please help MN - I have just discovered that my OH has installed a hidden camera in the house to monitor my movements when he is at work"

Can you imagine!!??

Police. Now.
How dare he.
Abuse.
Vile pervert.

etc etc etc

Seems like it's double standard Sunday here on MN today.

AaalrightyThen · 31/10/2021 13:37

@MyMabel

Amazon’s blink cameras are about £25 and alert and record any movement for up to 30 seconds, with sound.

It’s slightly unethical to install a camera without his knowledge though, so tell him you’re installing it; but install two - if he only knows about one then he only knows to avoid or turn off the one when needed, leaving the other rolling.

I have thought about it in my darker moments but honestly if I was getting to the stage of doing that I would prefer to just get divorced.
OP posts:
Starcaller · 31/10/2021 13:39

Surely if they were having an affair she'd know he wasn't in and they'd be in some kind of context? Seems like she stopped by hoping to see him, but doesn't necessarily mean it's reciprocated.

Starcaller · 31/10/2021 13:39

contact*

AaalrightyThen · 31/10/2021 14:14

@VampireVicki

It sounds like she has a crush on him.

If he doesn't have form and there's nothing else to make you suspicious, I would treat it as a bit of a joke, but make it clear that if she comes near him again you will cut her - Only joking!

Is she married?

No she's single
OP posts:
AaalrightyThen · 31/10/2021 14:18

[quote Charlene1971]@AaalrightyThen

You seen nothing in his phone, I assume?[/quote]
Sorry just saw this
No nothing in his phone
Her phone number not in it at all

I think he would be good at deleting evidence though (have caught home out messaging strangers on social media twice before)

OP posts:
CokeZeroAddiction · 31/10/2021 14:21

I don’t think he’s cheating. I think she has a crush though.

HollowTalk · 31/10/2021 14:21

I'd get a Ring doorbell on the front and back doors - you can say you want extra security.

CokeZeroAddiction · 31/10/2021 14:21

If he was cheating she’d have known he wouldn’t be there.

VampireVicki · 31/10/2021 14:24

think he would be good at deleting evidence though (have caught home out messaging strangers on social media twice before)

Oh dear - tell us more about this...

FetchezLaVache · 31/10/2021 14:28

It really doesn't sound like they're having an affair, but he does sound like he's more than capable of it, and the viagra is distinctly dodgy. Perhaps in this instance you are Cherchez-ing La Wrong Femme?

NeverChange · 31/10/2021 14:30

Based on what you have said so far I don't think they are having an affair.

That said, what did he said about the viagra when you asked him and what did he say about the social media exchanges?

gannett · 31/10/2021 14:32

I have always had the feeling he would do be unfaithful if it was offered on a plate though.

Why on earth did you marry him then?!

WonderfulYou · 31/10/2021 14:33

Reading your updates I wonder if he has had a women around which is why she’s checking up on him.
For her to text you and tell you it’s odd - so I wonder if it’s a way if you letting him know she’ll tell you if she sees anything.

AaalrightyThen · 31/10/2021 14:35

@gannett

I have always had the feeling he would do be unfaithful if it was offered on a plate though.

Why on earth did you marry him then?!

Not from the very start sorry, but as time has gone on
OP posts:
AaalrightyThen · 31/10/2021 14:39

@NeverChange

Based on what you have said so far I don't think they are having an affair.

That said, what did he said about the viagra when you asked him and what did he say about the social media exchanges?

About the viagra - he said he got it to see if it would help and only ever used it with me and by himself He was very apologetic when I found it (too apologetic I wondered at the time)

The social media messaging - don't think there was much in it - one woman who sent him a rather dodgy message and he didn't really engage in what she was trying to do, thankfully.
And another woman who seemed to be messaging chit chat but fucking why?! With little kisses at the end. Like 'morning x' fuck off!

Was on two very spread out separate occasions. Did make me wonder if what I found was all there was to find.

OP posts:
AaalrightyThen · 31/10/2021 14:41

@FetchezLaVache

It really doesn't sound like they're having an affair, but he does sound like he's more than capable of it, and the viagra is distinctly dodgy. Perhaps in this instance you are Cherchez-ing La Wrong Femme?
It's possible I suppose!
OP posts:
Redglitter · 31/10/2021 14:47

I think it sounds like she's got a crush. If they were having an affair any rendezvous would be planned in advance, not just a random popping in. It might be he's flattered by the attention which is why he hasn't knocked it on the head or told you, but it doesn't sound like an affair

NeverChange · 31/10/2021 14:52

There's nothing in any of your posts that give me a string indication that he is cheating but it's very clear you don't trust him an inch.

Why is that and can you both work on it?

JustLyra · 31/10/2021 14:54

How long was there between her leaving and him arriving home?

Did she have time to message him and tell him what had happened? It wouldn't take long to erase her number and messages from his phone.

It would be odd that she didn't know he wasn't home today if they were up to something, but it's very odd that she behaved the way she did.

With everything you said I'd also be wondering if she was a regular visitor and had just forgotten that today was an office day (much like I forgot today that DH is working from home because it was ages ago he mentioned it).

donquixotedelamancha · 31/10/2021 15:04

"Please help MN - I have just discovered that my OH has installed a hidden camera in the house to monitor my movements when he is at work" Can you imagine!!??.......Seems like it's double standard Sunday here on MN today.

You must be new here. Allow me to explain: OP is a woman therefore this would be getting her ducks in a row. If a man did it then it would be controling and creepy. HTH.

Extraonions · 31/10/2021 15:06

Either you trust your partner, or you don’t.

If they are going to have an affair you can hide all the cameras, and do all the phone checking you like … they will have an affair.

You can drive yourself mad - if you don’t trust him, leave him … as this will just rumble on. If you do trust him, get on with your life.

Ive never checked my husbands phone - what’s the point ?