I don’t want to be her friend

[MiniPumpkin]

Ok here goes … so I met a whole group of people when I had my 1st dc. A lady called Annie let’s say was part of a very large group of about 30 of us. I have nothing in common with Annie other than being a mother but she tells me I’m ‘her kind of person’. I did accept her friend request at the time on Facebook which is fine but she has literally been asking me for about 3 years on and off do I want to go for a soft play date. I don’t. I tell her I’m busy and so on as I just don’t have the heart to say sorry I don’t want to. The reason is I just don’t want to, we have nothing in common and ok I get that soft play dates are for the kids, not mums.. but her boy is a real handful.. she posts on social media every other day videos of her boy (he’s 3) of him effing and blinding and she just laughs at him. I get that kids will pick up swear words from places, ok it might even be me sometimes but I don’t want to intentionally have my dc learn it from him.
I bumped into Annie last week she asks me again re soft play date, I’m literally going through every day of the week saying we are busy that day and so on. Also mentioned we are busy on Sunday as dc got a place at the rugby group.. her face lights up because her boy goes to it too. Oh Jesus .. queue her now sitting next to me wanting to be my best mate.. I just don’t want to further encourage this but I don’t want to hurt her feelings.
Yanbu. You don’t have to spend time with people you don’t want to.
Yabu. Your a witch 🤣

I totally agree with you.
It’s downright nasty and cruel to say what that poster was suggesting.

And un necessary

I guess she’s feeling insecure and overstepping - you’re probably not the only one who responds to her in this way, and it’s often people with antisocial kids who get this treatment. She’s probably scared of being left out. But then she gets too much and perpetuates the problem.

@ChargingBuck

So, my moral is to stop judging her and give her a chance. Having the occasional coffee with her won't kill you, and it might turn out to be a great friendship you end up valuing.

& if it doesn't, how do you advise OP to backtracking without causing very hurt feelings, @zurala?

Were you too busy moralising to notice that OP's been fending the woman off for 3 years? Is that not sufficient time to know that we don't want to get to know a person any more deeply?
It's not "judgement" - it's "preference".

It is judgement, she doesn't know her well she's said so herself.

And I don't see that meeting someone for coffee once every few months is a big deal. I do this with people that I don't consider close friends but have an acquaintance with, who I know are lonely and struggle with friendships. It doesn't have to be especially frequent but is a kind thing to do. And it isn't especially onerous.

I’d simply unfriend her on social media and say you’re busy each evening after school and weekends are family time if she asks again.

Just this weekend we got tagged in a kids party pic and she messaged me straight away asking who’s party it was

OP, I appreciate unfriending may be awkward (although you aren't really real life friends, so I'd have no qualms), but you really need to reconsider your privacy settings to stop her being able to see your posts/your tags.

It is judgement, she doesn't know her well she's said so herself.

Whatever you call it, OP has known her for 3 years & throughout that time has not gelled with her enough to want to find out more.

What do you recommend - that she 'gets to know her better' as you advise? - you still haven't said how to handle it if OP did that, & found she really didn't enjoy time with the woman, & now needs to cause greater hurt by backtracking & rejecting someone she's now had coffee dates with?
What form of words would you advise to handle that situation?

And I don't see that meeting someone for coffee once every few months is a big deal. I do this with people that I don't consider close friends but have an acquaintance with, who I know are lonely and struggle with friendships. It doesn't have to be especially frequent but is a kind thing to do. And it isn't especially onerous.

That's nice @zurala.
Maybe you are more gregarious than many people, who have limited time & indeed headspace for more than a very few, very select friends.

Joy stir I’m much the same, I wouldn’t go out with someone I didn’t have a connection/much in common with, I see friendships that way too.. like when you get that dread that there’s a night out you don’t wave to go to, why spend time when it’s forced/false.
We are about 5 miles apart, they won’t go to the same school.
Someone said she might be worried she was missing out/ignored by the rest of the group. You are right that she is probably wondering this, but we don’t all meet as a wider group anymore, some have formed smaller groups, I sort of float in between them, and like Annie it depends what I’m invited to, I’ve not been invited to some parties but I certainly don’t message people asking to know who’s party it was.

Agree with those who suggest things along the lines of "I'm sorry, but we have a lot going on in the week, and weekends are family time."

Also with those who suggest taking a book/newspaper to rugby. I've had a couple of problems in the past with persistent people. I have always gone in for the absolute bare minimum that is polite but encourages no further conversation. I would definitely not answer any questions about whose party you have been to - it's odd of her to ask you that. If you decided to "be kind" and have coffee with her even occasionally, you'd be feeding behaviour which sounds as if it has the potential to become a bit stalkerish.

Do you really need to be on social media? I am not, so don't know how privacy settings work - but could you be 'more private', if you see what I mean?

If you decided to "be kind" and have coffee with her even occasionally, you'd be feeding behaviour

This was exactly my mistake. Dont do it OP.

Of course you don’t have to become friends if you don’t want to. I wouldn’t be keen either from what you’ve said. But you sound incredibly immature as well. Just be honest instead of giving false hope constantly with your ‘we’re busy’ excuses. Be kind but let her know how you feel, it’ll be better for her in the long run. You don’t have to be a ‘witch’ about it. Grow up and deal with it like an adult.

What you really need to worry about is that your DC isn’t far off starting school and her DC may attend the same one (maybe try to find out which one she is going for before you drop her, if you have a decent amount of choice - I would strongly encourage her to go for a different one but then I’m a b**ch like that ).

If the DC end up going to different schools, the connection will naturally drop and she will almost certainly latch onto someone else.

Ah just saw your update re schools, I reckon you’re safe OP.

@Dguu6u

Etiquette says the only polite way to decline an invitation is to say that you have other obligations or a prior commitment.

It’s not immature, it’s polite and kind and part of at least a century of social norms.

You weren't keen on her before but I'd be judging someone putting videos of a 3 year old kid swearing his head off as a shit mother and a further reason to keep well away.

Oh no its not softzilla is it

Unfriend her. If she points it out, just say you've had allsorts of issues with fb/insta....and then ignore the next request.

Do 3 year olds play rugby now?

Yes aged 3-5 is ‘mini rugby’ group.
I’m taking heid of what people have said re not being ‘real friends’ yet friends on social media. I think too easily we get into that way of adding someone when we don’t really know them. I’ll definitely change my privacy settings at least for now

@Chamomileteaplease

Do 3 year olds play rugby now?

They sure do.

Mini rugby is great. They don't tackle though!

@whynotwhatknot

Oh no its not softzilla is it

This made me laugh! Is that a thing?

Of course you don’t have to become friends if you don’t want to. I wouldn’t be keen either from what you’ve said. But you sound incredibly immature as well. Just be honest instead of giving false hope constantly with your ‘we’re busy’ excuses. Be kind but let her know how you feel, it’ll be better for her in the long run. You don’t have to be a ‘witch’ about it. Grow up and deal with it like an adult.

Agreed.

So you don't want to be friends. No need for a smug post about how she wants to be friends but you don't.

Some great advice I got from my father (don't tell him I agree with him), just remove social media from your life. I personally did this with twitter and after only a week I felt no desire whatsoever to use it again. Without facebook she would have no way to contact you, and therefore would make things a lot easier.

I think it is ambiguous listing the days you can't do and reasons you're busy. You just gove the impression you would if you could. Just say No thank you, have you asked I think she would like that invitation. And don't invite further discussion on it. make it a full stop.

I think you have a good plan OP

I'd avoid any drama and ghost this mum. Say hi in passing but don't answer texts, remove her as a fb friend (if you block her that will do the trick) and if she comes to sit next to you at rugby, start reading a book or say excuse me and go chat to someone else .

It's ok to say "no sorry we have plans or that's family time", to any requests for play dates and meet ups. Rugby for 3.5 year olds won't involve long matches or a pub trip afterwards so I wouldn't worry about that and DS will soon be at school. I'd just phase the mum and her child out of your life.

Wasn’t meant to come across as smug, it is a genuine attempt to get some helpful advice as this had been an ongoing issue.