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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don’t want to be her friend

109 replies

MiniPumpkin · 31/10/2021 09:30

Ok here goes … so I met a whole group of people when I had my 1st dc. A lady called Annie let’s say was part of a very large group of about 30 of us. I have nothing in common with Annie other than being a mother but she tells me I’m ‘her kind of person’. I did accept her friend request at the time on Facebook which is fine but she has literally been asking me for about 3 years on and off do I want to go for a soft play date. I don’t. I tell her I’m busy and so on as I just don’t have the heart to say sorry I don’t want to. The reason is I just don’t want to, we have nothing in common and ok I get that soft play dates are for the kids, not mums.. but her boy is a real handful.. she posts on social media every other day videos of her boy (he’s 3) of him effing and blinding and she just laughs at him. I get that kids will pick up swear words from places, ok it might even be me sometimes but I don’t want to intentionally have my dc learn it from him.
I bumped into Annie last week she asks me again re soft play date, I’m literally going through every day of the week saying we are busy that day and so on. Also mentioned we are busy on Sunday as dc got a place at the rugby group.. her face lights up because her boy goes to it too. Oh Jesus .. queue her now sitting next to me wanting to be my best mate.. I just don’t want to further encourage this but I don’t want to hurt her feelings.
Yanbu. You don’t have to spend time with people you don’t want to.
Yabu. Your a witch 🤣

OP posts:
ChargingBuck · 31/10/2021 10:53

@Peanutmnm

I couldn't imagine not being friendly to someone. Ok so she is overstepping a bit. But some people don't have brilliant social skills. You never know when someone is really in need of a bit of kindness and interaction. Especially us mums. But OP you're in this situation so can read her personality and intentions best. Just try to make sure she is a thick skinned CF before taking her down.
OP has no need to "take her down", & also no need to conduct a parliamentary level review on levels of CF'ery before she's "allowed" to choose her own mates @Peanutmnm.

Fudged answers about "I'm busy" never cut it if someone is determined to be thick-skinned - & this mum obviously is, as the intrusive messaging demanding to know whose party OP had been tagged at shows.
When you see her at rugby & she tries to co-opt you OP, be polite but clear - "weekends are family time" is a great suggestion initially. However, that excuse will blow up when she obsessively checks FB feeds & discovers you socialising with others on a weekend - at which point you'll have to deploy the "can't have DS copying little Johnny's swearing routine" angle.

You'll feel awkward saying it - but it's soon done & dusted, & she'll probably back off after one or both of PP's suggested responses.

FatBettyintheCoop · 31/10/2021 10:54

Just tell her you’re a snooty bitch and you don’t want anything to do with her or her potty mouthed son.

Job done. 😆

Original poster
MiniPumpkin · 31/10/2021 10:56

It’s totally unfair to her and me to pretend I want to be friends. She deserves someone who wants her friendship.
It’s also not all about her, I don’t want my dc copying her boys behaviour. She seems to think it’s a big laugh.

OP posts:
NataliaSerene · 31/10/2021 10:56

Everyone does not have to be friends with everyone.

“We have a very full calendar and weekends are family time.”

Or “Thanks for asking but our time is very structured and I’m afraid we just don’t have any free time.”

I would not answer her questions about where the picture was taking. Just ignore.

At Rugby I would bring a book and read a few times. Or tell her it’s your only down time and you plan to use this time alone to have some quiet and recharge/meditate/plan your week or whatever mental exercise makes sense for your personality.

TableFlowerss · 31/10/2021 10:56

@TheWayTheLightFalls

“No thanks, weekends are family time.”

Don’t criticise her parenting, it won’t work.

Listen to this poster, she talks the most sense. Criticising her parenting will never end well and you’ll be on the back end of it.
NataliaSerene · 31/10/2021 10:58

I don’t think telling her the reason will turn out well. She will feel defensive of her son and her parenting style. It will cause tension and possibly drama.

MissPeregrine · 31/10/2021 10:58

I understand how you feel, OP.

Regarding the soft play invites, could you not say something along the lines of “really busy atm but I’ll let you know” and just keep repeating this. Another alternative, are any of the 30 odd mums you know friends with Annie? Is it possible to organise a large group rather than one to one.

Does Annie have any friends? Not that this is your problem but it could be the reason she keeps on trying to forge friendships?

Peanutmnm · 31/10/2021 10:58

@ChargingBuck the fact is it quite possibly will 'take her down'. Theres no unhurtful way to say 'i don't like you and don't want to be your friend'. So my suggestion is to bear that in mind and be sure she deserves it before declaring that it's not OPs responsibility. Unfortunately life isn't so simple.

Bywayofanupdate · 31/10/2021 11:00

I have been an Annie. I genuinely don't know what I did to warrant it but anyway, our children ended up at the same sports camp over summer and when I tried to talk to her she just walked away, I got the message 😂😂

pictish · 31/10/2021 11:03

@takenforgrantednana

just tell her straight, that you dont want your child to pick up on bad behaviour/language, and from what youve seen her son uses that, so to kindly keep away from you or your family in future and unfreind her but not straight away as you wont be able to see if she makes comments about you
Because that’s what you’d do of course.
User983590521 · 31/10/2021 11:07

you don't think the two of you have much in common and you don't want your son copying her son's language which isn't cute or funny.

I'd tell her this. Of course she won't be pleased. Who cares.

Have you any idea why she thinks you're her kind of person?
If she's got the wrong idea about you, let her know in what ways you are not her kind of person.

ChargingBuck · 31/10/2021 11:07

'i don't like you and don't want to be your friend'.

Which is why nobody, apart from a couple of mickey-takers, has suggested she do so @Peanutmnm

And it's not a question of "she deserves it" - OP simply does not wish to be any closer that occasional acquaintances with this woman.

Not sure why you are urging OP to make sure either - what further investigation do you recommend, over & above the 3 years OP has already spent in not wishing to be closer friends?
Does she have to fill out a chitty, getting permission from the Unwanted Friendship Court before she's allowed to disengage?

Receptionclass · 31/10/2021 11:08

If you can't face being direct, block her on SM and avoid face-face where possible. If you do get cornered face to face keep it short and breezy.

Concestor · 31/10/2021 11:13

I have a friend who was in a similar situation years ago. A mum had joined their school and latched onto her, but this new mum was really sweary and came across as aggressive, and my friend didn't know what to do. No one wanted to be this woman's friend.

I said that I thought she should give her a chance, so she did. They became best friends, they go on holiday together, and it turns out all the swearing and apparent aggression is hiding huge self esteem issues

The woman and her husband are the kindest people ever, always willing to help others out, and are truly the best kind of friend.

So, my moral is to stop judging her and give her a chance. Having the occasional coffee with her won't kill you, and it might turn out to be a great friendship you end up valuing.

whynotwhatknot · 31/10/2021 11:23

the mum isnt sweary the child is-obviously they get it from somewhere but to just laugh it off and show videos of it isnt great

ChargingBuck · 31/10/2021 11:25

So, my moral is to stop judging her and give her a chance. Having the occasional coffee with her won't kill you, and it might turn out to be a great friendship you end up valuing.

& if it doesn't, how do you advise OP to backtracking without causing very hurt feelings, @zurala?

Were you too busy moralising to notice that OP's been fending the woman off for 3 years? Is that not sufficient time to know that we don't want to get to know a person any more deeply?
It's not "judgement" - it's "preference".

Puppychoo · 31/10/2021 11:25

Something similar happened to me. A woman wouldn't stop asking to do this and that in the guise of for the children.
Fast forward a couple of years, she latched on to my life like a parasite, turned a lot of friends against me, used grains of truth from things I told her and twisted them to make me sound like a horrible person and almost cost me my job.

Trust your gut and tell her no!

People who claim to have sooooo much in common with you early on are groomers. Wish I'd listened to my intuition.

Original poster
MiniPumpkin · 31/10/2021 11:33

The posts (and not just one) are literally videos of 3 year old boy saying things like ‘get down this effing stair ar*sehole’ to his dad.she is in background laughing. He obviously is copying from someone.
My heart just isn’t in it.. so why encourage it.
I think I will take advice that I am very busy and don’t have free time..I’ll limit my social media posts and eventually remove her..

OP posts:
BadNomad · 31/10/2021 11:36

I feel a bit sorry for her tbh. She wants to be friends. You don't. But you still haven't told her that. Instead you and your other mum friends just talk about her.

Letsallscreamatthesistene · 31/10/2021 11:37

Ive been in this situation OP. Not with children involved but with someone who persistantly wanted a friendship from me when I didnt really want one with her. I decided to be nice enough but not tackle the issue head on. In the end she didnt get the message and asked me to be her bridesmaid. The whole thing ended badly when it didnt have too.

My advice would be to just be honest (in a nice way) and nip it in the bud.

TurquoiseDragon · 31/10/2021 11:39

just this weekend we got tagged in a kids party pic and she messaged me straight away asking who’s party it was. I haven’t replied.

I also wasn’t even tagged in something and she spotted us in it, you can’t win, I think she feels annoyed as she isn’t invited

I assume these are two separate posts on FB, and it seems quite stalkerish to me.

She'll know if you unfriend her, so dropping her down from friend to aquaintance, and set your posts to friends only might reduce what she sees.

BrightYellowDaffodil · 31/10/2021 11:40

Just be honest with her.

But please don't use 'witch' as an insult.

BriocheForBreakfast · 31/10/2021 11:41

I feel a bit sorry for her to tbh. She sounds like she's not able to read social cues and because of your false niceness she's mistaking it for friendship. Is it because you don't want people to think you're being unkind if you are more honest with her? Most people would understand the brush off but don't blame her for being unable to. Some people need more black and white and less grey. Just saying. Be honest.

BriocheForBreakfast · 31/10/2021 11:42

Grrr 'too'. 🙈

hibye123 · 31/10/2021 11:42

just this weekend we got tagged in a kids party pic and she messaged me straight away asking who’s party it was. I haven’t

She sounds full on fuck that😭 I really don't think you need to communicate reasons why you don't want to be friends (such as her DC swearing) because she might think that's the only reason you don't want to associate with her. She may say she's working on her DCs swearing or something along those lines. When really you don't want to be friends as you're just not a fan of her😂 and honestly that's okay! We shouldn't have to pretend to be someone's friend when we don't really like them.

Three years is such a long time, I'm surprised she hasn't got the message. I have no advice sorry but I do agree that you shouldn't have to pretend to be friends with someone