I don’t want to be her friend

[MiniPumpkin]

Ok here goes … so I met a whole group of people when I had my 1st dc. A lady called Annie let’s say was part of a very large group of about 30 of us. I have nothing in common with Annie other than being a mother but she tells me I’m ‘her kind of person’. I did accept her friend request at the time on Facebook which is fine but she has literally been asking me for about 3 years on and off do I want to go for a soft play date. I don’t. I tell her I’m busy and so on as I just don’t have the heart to say sorry I don’t want to. The reason is I just don’t want to, we have nothing in common and ok I get that soft play dates are for the kids, not mums.. but her boy is a real handful.. she posts on social media every other day videos of her boy (he’s 3) of him effing and blinding and she just laughs at him. I get that kids will pick up swear words from places, ok it might even be me sometimes but I don’t want to intentionally have my dc learn it from him.
I bumped into Annie last week she asks me again re soft play date, I’m literally going through every day of the week saying we are busy that day and so on. Also mentioned we are busy on Sunday as dc got a place at the rugby group.. her face lights up because her boy goes to it too. Oh Jesus .. queue her now sitting next to me wanting to be my best mate.. I just don’t want to further encourage this but I don’t want to hurt her feelings.
Yanbu. You don’t have to spend time with people you don’t want to.
Yabu. Your a witch 🤣

@Peanutmnm

Is she really not worthy of your friendship? I feel a bit sorry for her but she really should take the hint. If I'm honest it sounds like she can live without you as a friend.

Unfortunately not. Most people would have got the message by now. If she hasn't, and is thick-skinned enough to keep pushing herself on someone hoping they'll acquiesce out of guilt, then it's pretty much a given she would bring with her more problems and demands than it's worth. It's started already, with the questioning about whose party OP's child had been invited to. OP was wise not to reply.

The message has been clear as a bell, 'I don't have time for you'. It might sound brutal but doesn't need to be: my child has parents whom I like but don't have time to pursue in-depth friendships with. As most are like me and have friends, families and careers of their own, I suspect the same is true for them. Doesn't mean we don't get on.

Would-be friend seems to have far too much invested here for comfort. Give people like this one chink in the armour and you never get rid. OP I'd say your instincts are spot on and you should continue to steer well clear.

@BriocheForBreakfast

I feel a bit sorry for her to tbh. She sounds like she's not able to read social cues and because of your false niceness she's mistaking it for friendship. Is it because you don't want people to think you're being unkind if you are more honest with her? Most people would understand the brush off but don't blame her for being unable to. Some people need more black and white and less grey. Just saying. Be honest.

@BriocheForBreakfast - this is an insightful post, but how do you deal with it in real life?

I've had a similar situation to OP and ended up with an awkward distancing scenario.

Can you really deal with this in a gentle way, successfully?

NB. Yes, and as PPs have advised don't give reasons. You don't owe anybody that, and it just gives them leverage to argue their way in. JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain) is inadvisable with people like this.

Weeks are full, weekends family time sound like a perfectly civil and adequate explanation to me.

Thanks for asking but our time is very structured and I’m afraid we just don’t have any free

This is definitely the best advice I've read so far

For a period of three years I haven’t spoken about her behind her back, I do my best not to with people as I don’t feel it’s v nice. I have the mums group bitch stuff that goes on. However I’m now at my wits end 🤣 someone was saying it’s stalker ish behaviour and that’s how it’s felt this weekend, like I’m to feel guilty my child was invited to a party…

Actually the not wanting to be friends because of sweary child is a red herring. You’ve been batting-off attempts at friendship for a very long time.
No need to ‘have it out’ with her. Just be much more clear at every attempt for friendship.
‘Sorry I can’t stop to chat’
‘No I can’t meet up’, ‘I loath soft play’, ‘I am too busy to meet’, ‘I don’t do coffee meet-ups’. It doesn’t matter if she knows this isn’t true, the clearer you are that you don’t want a friendship the better.
At rugby move when she stands/sits next to you, play with phone, read. Tell her this is your ‘me-time’ and you’d rather be on your own, or just go off to the loo and sit somewhere else, or move off to chat with someone else.
Be clear and direct, no need to be absolutely rude but also no need to be overly polite. Clear and simple, and don’t engage.
I’ve had the phrase ‘I’m too busy for new friends’ used at me before. It hurt a bit, but is less personal than ‘I don’t want to be friends with you’.

Stick to your values.

This woman is a shocking parent and is setting her child up to fail.

Why would anyone want to be around that or have their own toddler exposed to that.

She clearly has lots of issues - v rude and intrusive to ask you those Qs on SM.

You are worried about not upsetting her - but she doesn’t seem to be concerned about stepping over your boundaries.

I wouldn’t be concerned about you upsetting the other 30 - as I suspect that 100% of them are swerving her already and she is only pestering you because the others have cut her short.

Just keep withdrawing from communication with her. If you see her coming be ready to move away or make an excuse to end any conversation. Don’t do a dialogue. Have ready prepared phrases:

“No thanks”
“No that doesn’t work for me”
“No I can’t do that”
“No I don’t want to do that”
“No that doesn’t suit me”

Keep moving and walking off.

I feel sorry for her.
Hope she isn't reading this.
I was brought up never to judge anyone else. No one knows what her life is like behind closed doors.
Hope she finds friends who accept her the way she is.

Hate* not have

With the party, either just ignore or reply ‘was at a friend’s party’.

@Bywayofanupdate

I have been an Annie. I genuinely don't know what I did to warrant it but anyway, our children ended up at the same sports camp over summer and when I tried to talk to her she just walked away, I got the message 😂😂

You're not 'Annie'. The reason why is summed up in your last four words!

In response to this, by a separate PP.

I couldn't imagine not being friendly to someone. Ok so she is overstepping a bit. But some people don't have brilliant social skills. You never know when someone is really in need of a bit of kindness and interaction.

I disagree, 'Overstepping a bit' is a large social cue to someone who is going to bring issues to the table. And she is. This is THREE years, not a few weeks, of what's starting to look uncomfortably like harassment. If this woman is this hard to fend off now, what's she going to be like if OP does invite her into an [unwanted] friendship?

This attitude probably makes me sound harsh. It's bound to; I'm female, and females are conditioned to #BeKind, even when that kindness doesn't necessarily extend to ourselves, or ends up being to our detriment.

Other people's social interactive skills are not OP's problem to solve: their need for kindness does not trump OP's need to be kind to herself. Usually when your gut's telling you something it's for good reason. OP, for whatever reason, wants to keep this woman at arm's length. It's her right to do so. Not to be unkind, or hurtful, and say 'sorry it's just you' or a harsh 'piss off'. Just give a clear response that's not a rejection of her personally but leaves no room for misinterpretation.

If that sounds unbending, I've humoured these types before - to 'be kind' - and learned a few harsh lessons about no good deed going unpunished. She'll probably end up needing a sharper rejection somewhere down the line. Far better to be cruel to #BeKind now.

@Peanutmnm

Is she really not worthy of your friendship? I feel a bit sorry for her but she really should take the hint. If I'm honest it sounds like she can live without you as a friend.

I don’t see declining new friendships as “this person is not worthy”. It’s a matter of having very limited spare time and energy, and choosing wisely how to expend it in a wise way.

I have dear friends and family and already do not get enough time with them and other things to do also. Adding a new person in that mix is not always easy, even if I don’t have trepidations about their values being a good fit with mine. If I already suspect we are not a good match, I’m not going to take hours out of my really limited free time proving this. I’d say it is kind rather than cruel for OP not to feign interest in this woman.

Years ago I walked back with a mum from a group thing when DD was really young. I was always up for making new mum friends so made an overture of friendship and she said ‘thanks, but I don’t need any more friends.’ I was gobsmacked but it ensured I never spoke to her again!!

This reminds me of a woman I met on a first aid course. When we went around the room to introduce ourselves she included, “and I’m not here to make friends, I have enough friends”.

She did in fact want to be friends, or at least asked me to go for coffee with her a few times after the course ended. I did (I really like getting to know new people) but I was not invested in maintaining a friendship because of her first impression.

At rugby put in ear pods and say you are on a conference call / family video call only time due to time differences etc
I would not criticise her parenting that isn’t in the sprit of sisterhood
Apart from finding kids swearing funny you haven’t said what else is wrong, sometimes different people come into our lives to broaden our experiences

@ParkheadParadise

I feel sorry for her. Hope she isn't reading this. I was brought up never to judge anyone else. No one knows what her life is like behind closed doors. Hope she finds friends who accept her the way she is.

One person on the planet not wanting to be friends with her is not a reason to pity her. And pitying others is not kind or helpful.

I am sure plenty of people have not liked me or wanted to be friends with me over my lifetime. Yet I still have friends and a fully happy life.

I’m a bit split. I would never tell a parent how to parent but at the same time, it’s those same social media posts of parents gleefully celebrating their toddlers swearing or being a pain that five years later are the ones bullying everyone else. I follow so many parent accounts where they talk about “not knowing why he’s like this” when I know full well he’s spent the week watching Squid Games. So yeah, ahem. Polite distancing and maybe the odd raised eyebrow at social media posts.

Just say, "Look I'm really sorry but I have a lot going on at the moment. I just need a bit of space".
That's all. If she is still persistent after that then you can unfriend her, ignore her etc without any awkwardness as you will have made your point clear.

@ParkheadParadise

I feel sorry for her. Hope she isn't reading this. I was brought up never to judge anyone else. No one knows what her life is like behind closed doors. Hope she finds friends who accept her the way she is.

How does that work for you in real life @ParkheadParadise?

Do you accept every friendship overture, put up with undesirable behavioural traits, give up all your free time to ensure people you don't gel with have the benefit of your company on demand?

Are you very local to one another? I’m just wondering if you’ve thought through how you might need to manage the school years if you end up at the same school/class? Sod’s law dictates your dc will end up best friends.

Seeing as she is part of the wider group and rugby telling her about her sons swearing in my opinion will go down like a lead balloon . I would just keep doing what you are doing till hopefully she gets the message. Any other messages like the party one ignore as you done. If you tell her the truth or unfriendly her it’s just going to cause a situation. She will get the message hopefully.

@MiniPumpkin

For a period of three years I haven’t spoken about her behind her back, I do my best not to with people as I don’t feel it’s v nice. I have the mums group bitch stuff that goes on. However I’m now at my wits end 🤣 someone was saying it’s stalker ish behaviour and that’s how it’s felt this weekend, like I’m to feel guilty my child was invited to a party…

Don't you think she's asked whose party because she's worried it's someone from the large group you met in and she's feeling left out and ignored?

@Polmuggle

Yes of course. But how does that change anything? Is OP answering going to make her feel better?

Just keep fobbing her off.

@ParkheadParadise

I feel sorry for her. Hope she isn't reading this. I was brought up never to judge anyone else. No one knows what her life is like behind closed doors. Hope she finds friends who accept her the way she is.

I'm not obliged to be a friend to anyone just because they want to be my friend. I have 3 firm friends, which is enough for me.

In this case, it's been three years of OP not being available to meet up, coupled with the more recent stuff of pretty much stalking OP's interactions with others on SM. I'd feel uneasy in this case and certainly be backing off.

I'm always cool, polite but cool with people I don't have any sense of developing a connection with. I go with my own gut feelings, and don't waste time and energy being falsely friendly toward people if it doesn't feel ok for me. I'd help any local neighbour out if I could but going on beyond helpful into friendship, no, only if it feels good.