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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get friends kids second hand presents

135 replies

OnceuponaRainbow18 · 29/10/2021 12:45

I’m a big fan of buying second hand; try to get my kids presents and Christmas stockings from charity shops or free Facebook groups. I can afford new but don’t like buying new, mainly for environmental reasons.

I usually get my kids friends new presents but was thinking of getting them from charity shops this year, obviously would only do it if the present suits the kids, like one friends son loves trains and found a great Thomas puzzle in a charity shop.

What do people think about this?

AIBU- buy new if you can
YANBU- charity shop it

OP posts:
CatsArePeople · 29/10/2021 18:24

Some of the attitudes on this thread sadden me. Our planet is literally suffocating on plastic, and yet people worry or are aghast about gifting perfectly serviceable second hand toys. Toys!! Toys that are played with for a nanosecond (in earth year terms...) before being discarded.

For this exact reason i really appreaciate edible gifts, or tickets/invitations for various attractions for kids. As much as I love rummaging in charity shops myself, please, i don't really need more tat.

Original poster
OnceuponaRainbow18 · 29/10/2021 18:26

@AuntieMarys

Not buying presents would be ideal and if people write on the invite no presents please we follow that, but I would feel a bit awks going to a kids party with no present if it isn’t written/said

OP posts:
Zwellers · 29/10/2021 18:28

I'd think you were cheap, couldn't be bothered and didn't like me or my kids. Speaking as someone who got well read, spine creased second hand books as a Christmas present.

Original poster
OnceuponaRainbow18 · 29/10/2021 18:29

@Zwellers

But I would look around and find things that suit the individual child! Wouldn’t just be something I’ve grabbed off the shelf for a kid!

OP posts:
tinkerbellvspredator · 29/10/2021 18:30

For all class parties just stick £5 note in card. Might be spent on toys (but at least a definitely wanted one) but might go into savings or whatever.

wildery · 29/10/2021 18:37

I’d love this and always request secondhand stuff for my DC but family think I’m being a martyr. I do secondhand presents with one friend who shares my values, but not others. Depends entirely on the person I think

greenlynx · 29/10/2021 18:39

I think buying second hand is a very personal choice, and I personally wouldn't impose my lifestyle choices on someone else.
I agree with @Muffinsandfruitcakes.
I was buying some second hand toys very very occasionally when DD’s was young but I wouldn’t like someone to buy them for her. There is always an option of bookshop voucher and chocolates.

Sorry OP but I would think you are cheap and patronising.

KitBumbleB · 29/10/2021 18:50

I mostly buy good quality second hand stuff for my daughter and myself, no one can tell

Sometimes you find stuff new with tags. I'm sure a someone who knows you well enough to receive gifts from you would know its not because you are cheap

HanSB · 29/10/2021 18:55

I give second hand away to friends but not as a gift for a special occasion. I usually regift brand new items that we know we won’t use. However most of my friends know I dislike lots of clutter and unnecessary presents as we ask for second hand books ourselves on children’s birthdays.

StolenAwayOn55thand3rd · 29/10/2021 19:17

Just ask friends. I buy second hand for a few of my friends’ kids because I know they have the same outlook as I do. I always check first though.

notanothertakeaway · 29/10/2021 20:18

Perhaps the best approach would be, instead of GIVING second hand gifts, ASK for no / second hand gifts

SleepingStandingUp · 29/10/2021 20:19

It's weird that if you spend £30 buying something new you've obv put lots of thought into it, but the same item pre loved for £3 you're a lazy shit person who grabbed the nearest dog eared piece of junk you could find.

I don't buy second hand for friends because u know Pele can be weird but I've bright my nephew a second hand toy just because he'd like it, how is that more thoughtless than if I'd seen it in Asda?

I've so had hand me down presents from friends for my kids, because they were getting rid of perfectly good but no longer wanted toys at the right time. It's lovely

HereWeGoAgains · 29/10/2021 20:27

[quote hamsterchump]@HereWeGoAgains But it's Lego! If you've got some then more is infinitely useful and rebuildable surely? Not to mention how expensive it is! Are there really kids who just build the thing in the picture and then that's it, they never try to build anything else? They just put it back in the box never to be touched again? [/quote]
Not when it was a Harry Potter lego set, no! And not when my child who is autistic sits with the instructions and builds it piece by piece. Again, no! Random bricks is different, we have loads of that. A set with bits missing as a Christmas present, no.

RAFHercules · 29/10/2021 20:35

I often give secondhand, vintage or antique gifts. The DC know that whatever I give them will have been well thought out. Charity buys have included a Barbie ski chalet, a giant wooden chest (so big we use it as a coffee table) full of Lego, and a star wars chess set.
I'm not mean, (I've spent £4k on a musical instrument for DD in the past and they all have expensive bikes) buy I'm not one to pass up on a bargain either.

GotToGoBye · 29/10/2021 20:43

I’d be happy to receive but embarrassed to give.
I’m wrong to be embarrassed on this though.

As long as they are aware you give second hand to your children too.

RobertaFirmino · 29/10/2021 21:26

I just don’t like the idea of it, you don’t know what kind of life second hand items have had

You do know that any dirty, sweaty get could have tried clothes on then put them back on the rail/sent them back, don't you? That a 'brand new' item might have been sat in a smoker's house for a few days before being returned!? That some kid with nits might have put the hat on before it went back on the rail?

A lot of the donations I process in the shop are spotless. They have never been used. That's why they were given to us in the first place!

It's weird that if you spend £30 buying something new you've obv put lots of thought into it, but the same item pre loved for £3 you're a lazy shit person who grabbed the nearest dog eared piece of junk you could find

Isn't it just @SleepingStandingUp ! Some people really are funny, grabby buggers.

Nanny0gg · 29/10/2021 21:41

@OnceuponaRainbow18

I’ve never got my kids new books- all books are from a free Facebook group where we swap books or give them away free. £6 of a new book is mental
Tell that to the author...
NerrSnerr · 29/10/2021 21:59

@RAFHercules

I often give secondhand, vintage or antique gifts. The DC know that whatever I give them will have been well thought out. Charity buys have included a Barbie ski chalet, a giant wooden chest (so big we use it as a coffee table) full of Lego, and a star wars chess set. I'm not mean, (I've spent £4k on a musical instrument for DD in the past and they all have expensive bikes) buy I'm not one to pass up on a bargain either.
My husband got a Star Wars chess set as a Christmas present about 10 years ago from me. He taught my daughter to play chess on it.
SleepingStandingUp · 29/10/2021 22:41

I just don’t like the idea of it, you don’t know what kind of life second hand items have had

Those horrified at second hand, so you seriously bin everything or is it OK for it to go to the serving hand shop for the poor?

Newmumatlast · 30/10/2021 00:12

@OnceuponaRainbow18

Maybe I’ll raise it with friends and see what they said! And avoid for the horror of all class parties! A shame there’s a certain snobbery around second hand as it’s so good for the environment and the toys look almost new
I agree with you re the snobbery. There really does need to be a change in perspective in society to help the environmental cause.

That said, because of how people are, I would only gift non family second hand if I had spoken to them first. I would love to get second hand for people more as there is fantastic stuff online on Facebook and in our local charity shops. But, particularly for school parties etc, I wouldnt want my child to be picked on for me doing it.

I do buy my daughter alot second hand. Her main birthday gift was and a few other toys were - mainly the things she would like but I dont think are worth the full price tag or I think will be more of a fleeting interest. I do get her some things new too. I save a lot doing this and she has a nice savings account to boot which I think is more important than her having the display box to rip the same toy out of but at 4 times the cost. I also get her alot of second hand clothes mixed in with new - especially occasion wear which is rarely worn by people.

WithMyEncyclopedia · 30/10/2021 00:18

Sad to read the snobbery on the thread. My ds really loves a Lego range that has been discontinued, so have to buy second-hand (obviously it needs to be a complete set). Anything new wouldn't be as good in his eyes, but I suppose some people would prefer to think of themselves as not being "cheap" than getting what he actually loves.

turnaroundtime · 30/10/2021 07:02

@MarineBlue33

I wouldn't buy presents for others which were second hand myself. I think it looks cheap.
The point is, we need to change the way we value things. If buying preloved items looks cheap to you then you should revisit your views.
Minesril · 30/10/2021 07:10

BIL and SIL used to gift DS stuff that used to belong to a kid from her side of the family but they'd pretend it was new. 'We took it out of the box for you.' Uh huh.

Original poster
OnceuponaRainbow18 · 30/10/2021 07:58

@Minesril

Yea I wouldn’t try and pretend it’s new!

I’ve decided I’m going to speak to friends and suggest no presents for Christmas and birthdays, maybe a charity donation instead.

For class parties that’s a bit too hard as too many people to manage to may go with giving £5 money as suggested on here.

Close family presents I will ask if they want to all try and do charity shop presents this year and see how we get on.

OP posts:
HP87 · 30/10/2021 08:24

I get second hand for my kids but wouldn't for others. I don't like putting other people in stressful situations, if I told my friend I'd got her child a second hand gift and would like second hand back, I would feel like I was putting them under pressure to search charity shops/fb to get something of good quality that my child would like. Sounds stressful to me. I think it's luck to find something good quality that the child would like in a charity shop.
I always search local fb pages etc when I want something specific for my kids but I can't always find it, let alone someone else doing that for my child.