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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you have a good relationship with your mother?

97 replies

Thataintright · 28/10/2021 17:41

Do you have a good relationship with your mum?

My mum has never been emotionally present in my life.

She could not tell you a thing about me, although loves talking about me.

Two recent examples- my granddaughter was stillborn.
I let my mother know, and she started messaging me about a new cake she has tried. Meanwhile, she'd told the whole family about the tragedy but not addressed it with me. No phone call, nothing.

Second example was that I tested positive for covid yesterday. I WhatsApp'd her to let her know (as well as asking if she's okay) and I've been left on 'read' since yesterday morning! But she will have told the whole family and I'll soon be getting cards through the post.

There are many, many more examples of this type of behaviour.

I so wish I had a mum who cared (I was adopted, if that makes any diff, bio mum died when I was young).

It's my biggest wish!

I just don't get it!

OP posts:
LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 28/10/2021 17:45

You can't change her. Don't let her have that power over you.

If l had a 'normal' relationship with my mum l suspect l would find it suffocating.

Rumplestrumpet · 28/10/2021 17:47

I'm sorry to hear this, and I'm so sorry for the loss of your grandchild. It must all be very distressing for you.

But if you're old enough to have grandchildren I'm guessing your mother is elderly and thus your relationship is almost certainly never going to change at this point.

If I were you I would focus on the relationship you have with your own child/ children and make sure you're there for them as much as you can be. We can't correct the mistakes of others but we can learn from them and break the cycle with out own families.

3scape · 28/10/2021 17:48

My mum has always been like this. Disinterested actually to the point of neglect. But never shuts up telling everyone about everything. I have stopped sharing anything about my life with her. I don't have any clues that might help but I totally sympathise. It's a very difficult sort of pain when your mother couldn't care less

3scape · 28/10/2021 17:50

Sorry. I didn't add, I am sorry for the loss to your family. It is very difficult when baby loss is treated dismissively. Glad you can bring the comfort to your daughter that your mother perhaps wouldn't have

FatCatThinCat · 28/10/2021 17:51

My mum is exactly the same, that's why I no longer have any contact with her. I stupidly rang her from the health centre when they couldn't find DS's heartbeat at 34 weeks. I got a brief 'oh dear' then straight into how she's been at the doctors too as she's had a banging headache for days. I can't be doing with it anymore.

FatCatThinCat · 28/10/2021 17:52

Forgot to say, at the hospital they eventually found a heartbeat but not at first and DS is fine.

Tee20x · 28/10/2021 17:53

Sorry to hear about the loss of your granddaughter Sad.

I don't have a good relationship with mine either. Not very maternal & can come across as quite cold. Weird cos she's a nice enough person but on an emotional level there's just nothing there. Think very rational thinker. Everything is black & white.

Mine wouldn't be able to tell you anything about me either.

Rety · 28/10/2021 17:53

I haven't spoken to her in over 15 years and it's the most relieving thing ever to be free of her absolute shitty behavior. I had guilt at the beginning about cutting her off but not anymore, she will never change and life is too short to put up with terrible behavior from someone just because I am related to them.

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 28/10/2021 17:54

My mum is similar. Would never think to ask how I am. Ever. Only response to me having a miscarriage was ‘i never had any problems getting pregnant’. Nothing else. But everyone in the family knows everyone else's business as she like to pass it on.

Now she just makes stuff up. She has always half listened and filled in the gaps with what she thinks would be true, but now she is a bloody nightmare. And i call her out each time.

But, up until she became disabled, she would give as much practical help as she could all the time. Much, much more than other parents. Just no emotional Support at all.

AgnesXNitt · 28/10/2021 17:56

My Mum has always swung between being emotionally distant (when she can ignore the issue) and chronically hysterical (when she can't). Her two favourite lines are "you don't know what I'm saying about you when you're not here" (in response to being challenged about appearing not to care) and "if something bad happens to one of my children then that's actually worse for me, (the parent)" (in response to going hysterical when forced to deal with any issues her children may have had).
To be honest at this point I just let it go and don't tell her much of anything that is happening in my life and certainly none of the hardships I may be facing. I've accepted that she is just not an emotionally supportive person and have built my own support network which she isn't part of. I love her very much but I just don't expect her to play that sort of role in my life.

Ozanj · 28/10/2021 17:58

Mum is similar with me. Awful to the point of being evil sometimes to my face, but will gossip about me everywhere. I find restricting the info I share with her has helped.

Notaroadrunner · 28/10/2021 18:02

Sadly mine is dead now but she was great. There were only 2 times in my life where we fell out for a few days but other than that we'd chat every day. She was the link to the rest of the family. We only had to call her to hear each other's news. I miss her a lot.

Boood · 28/10/2021 18:04

I’m so sorry to hear about your grandchild.

My mother is like that. When I spoke to her at the weekend, she asked how I was. I said pretty fed up because I’ve twisted my ankle so I’m stuck resting and won’t be able to run for a while. She immediately, without a beat, moved on to tell me that she had hurt her knee a couple of weeks before and it still hurt.
Expect nothing, and you won’t be disappointed. Shit though, isn’t it.

HailAdrian · 28/10/2021 18:07

I did but she died at the weekend at the grand old age of 58. I still feel like there's stuff I need to say to her. Sorry some of you seem to have toxic mothers, it must be very difficult. Flowers

Original poster
Thataintright · 28/10/2021 18:32

Thank you all for your responses.

I just feel like she feels she 'picked' the wrong child.

But I won't try and change her. I'm mid 40s (had children when I was young!) and I suppose I need to stop comparing.

I think it makes it more difficult because she actively stopped my birth mother having contact (before adoption was finalised).

Maybe it's good that I don't get it. That means I'm not like her 😊

OP posts:
Original poster
Thataintright · 28/10/2021 18:32

HailAdrian, so sorry for your loss Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
Thataintright · 28/10/2021 18:34

Boood, just wow!

It's like they refuse to acknowledge any difficulty you might be in. I hope you feel better soon 😊

OP posts:
Original poster
Thataintright · 28/10/2021 18:35

Notaroadrunner, that's mum material 😊

OP posts:
EishetChayil · 28/10/2021 18:58

I'm adopted too, and have a very poor relationship with my adoptive mother. On the surface it's fine, but the truth is she's a massive narcissist who thinks only of herself. She doesn't know the first thing about me, but yet speaks constantly about me to others. My whole childhood was overshadowed by her emotional needs and moods. I was never allowed to disagree or express anger. Just absolute compliance, or she would ignore me for days.

HoikingUpMyBigGirlPantss · 28/10/2021 19:01

Sorry for your recent family loss Flowers

My DM was not an emotionally supportive parent and I once heard her dismissively laughing to her friend about another child bullying me at school and have told her nothing important in my life since that point. She's a product of her own emotionally detached mum (who was actually a much better gran than a mum), and who in turn I suspect was a product of her own tough upbringing. I was much emotionally closer to my late DF even though he worked away a lot as we were growing up.
This has made me try doubly hard to listen and support my DC and to try to have a close relationship with them and to break the chain.
DM now relies on me a great deal due to age and poor health, which is ironic. The golden child sees her twice a year for an hour each time - although she posts regularly on FB about DMs health issues so that she can get sympathy!
I just feel sorry that our relationship as mum and daughter never really grew.

BlackAlys · 28/10/2021 19:08

I no longer have a relationship with mine. Years and years of lies and re-writing history to paint herself ad theconsysnt victim, not to mention the violence and inappropriate behaviour in the home when I was a child, has culminated on me taking a major step back. I still facilitate contact with her and my teenagers but am finding out about lies that are being told about me to other people.

I am on the verge of blocking all contact with my DC for all our sakes.

You may find the "I took you to stately homes" board over in Relationships a solace and small comfort.

I'm sorry OP. We are reared to love and respect our elders which is why the fear, obligation and guilt (FOG) runs in us and motivates to just keep on going, but not every mother loves like they should.

Mine was about control and manipulation and I've just about had enough for a lifetime.

BlackAlys · 28/10/2021 19:09

I'm also very sorry for your loss.
Maybe it's making you re-evaluate things? Thanks

Merryoldgoat · 28/10/2021 19:11

Mine died when I was a teenager. It was a complex relationship. She was loving and kind but deeply depressed, poor and trapped in an emotionally and financially abusive relationship.

I was much loved and much wanted but she still made a lot of very poor decisions which I find difficult to get past even after more than 20 years.

Lndnmummy · 28/10/2021 19:15

My mum is toxic. She has never been able to stand me. Often when I read here about how people think their mum is their rock etc I day dream about having that. Someone that loved me unconditionally, was proud of me and rooted for me. Its sad really.

Oneforthemoneytwo · 28/10/2021 19:16

@EishetChayil I could have written your post word for word apart from me not being adopted