Do you have a good relationship with your mother?

[Thataintright]

Do you have a good relationship with your mum?

My mum has never been emotionally present in my life.

She could not tell you a thing about me, although loves talking about me.

Two recent examples- my granddaughter was stillborn.
I let my mother know, and she started messaging me about a new cake she has tried. Meanwhile, she'd told the whole family about the tragedy but not addressed it with me. No phone call, nothing.

Second example was that I tested positive for covid yesterday. I WhatsApp'd her to let her know (as well as asking if she's okay) and I've been left on 'read' since yesterday morning! But she will have told the whole family and I'll soon be getting cards through the post.

There are many, many more examples of this type of behaviour.

I so wish I had a mum who cared (I was adopted, if that makes any diff, bio mum died when I was young).

It's my biggest wish!

I just don't get it!

it's the closest thing I've got to an explanation of why she is how she is.

Yes, it's like so many mothers in their late 70s anyway (like mine) expect to be able to permanently summons their daughters in to the role of My Daughter while denying them any communication, connection, voice.....

This is my mother. She's been good to me on a practical level and I was always very grateful and let her know but the only emotions she wants from me is gratitude and optimism.

She seems to have a good relationship with my father though, and they unite against me which is awful when I'm single. The two of them still bully me. It's only very recently that I went extremely low contact.

Mine is a bit odd, we get on fine and she does care but she’s also a bit distant at times.
I have always been closer to my Dad and he’s the more natural one in many ways. My mum has anxiety issues (as do I but a bit different presentation) and she and I don’t have a lot in common. I found her infuriating when I was a teen and was pretty awful to her. She sacrificed a lot work wise and educationally and I think she’d have had a happier life if she hadn’t had to do that. And her relationship with my father is beyond unusual (but that’s another thread). I wish she was happier.

She’d do anything for me and me her. But then she does things (exactly like she moans about in her own mother) like not contact me for weeks and then says I should’ve called her. I have a lot on at the moment, DD is 2, doesn’t sleep until late and two weeks after she had Covid we all have the cold from hell. I have no voice, a sick horse and a busy senior job that I’ve been absent from. I am stressed to fuck and she’s retired and does bugger all. But I should be the one to call her first. I’m refusing which is petty but it’s not exactly supportive-we could all be dead for all she knows.

I know she’s quietly pissed off we had to cancel visits due to illness. She’s not asked once how we are in 3 weeks.

But then at the drop of her hat she’ll put £2k in my bank account to help with vet bills without me asking.

I love her hugely, but we aren’t the sort that hang out together or call each other daily and I really want my relationship with DD to be more like that. But I suppose I’ll turn into my own mother…..

@Thataintright

Rollaroundtheclock. Yes, she is similar to mine. I've already had three 'get well' messages from family (who she"d obviously told) but still nothing from her

I think my mother is unhinged.

This is so typical, when she tells people, they are sympathetic to her in their responses. If she rang you, she'd have to be sympathetic and supportive to you.

She has the emotional capacity to ''enjoy'' receiving sympathy but not to say anything comforting to you.

My mother's inconsistency is that she won't talk to me because ''there's no point throwing accusations around''. So that's it, unilateral decision that there'll be no discussion. But from her pov, there is only her perspective so a discussio achieves nothing. And she might be right, given that she is not open to any change in her views. BUT, although she won't talk to me, she will trash me to my brother, aunts, cousins,,,,,,,,

Nope . My mum doesn’t appear to have the capacity to consider other people’s needs/wants/perspectives. Very self absorbed and concerned about how others treat her.

She’s now disabled and has cognitive issues that are getting progressively worse. I struggle to care or be sympathetic because she was such a terrible mother.

Op I can certainly relate to wishing I had a better mum or relationship with her. I feel sad when I see the relationship some others have. I think it is about trying to accept it as it though. As you say….they’re not going to change now are they.

Sorry to hear about you grandchild op my mum is sadly very similar. She actually can't hold a back and forth conversation, you tell her something important and she turns it into something about her or completely shuts you down and starts talking about something irrelevant.
With my second pregnancy, I was a couple of days from my due date and baby hadn't moved all day. I rang my mum to ask if she'd come and watch my toddler while I went to get checked, and she told me I was being stupid and she was about to start making tea, could it wait until tomorrow!
When I said no i needed to go (I was in a bit of a panic) she huffed and puffed and made me feel awful.
With my first baby (traumatic pregnancy and very long awaited baby after 7 years of trying), she said she'd like to buy the pram. So at 30 weeks we went to the local pram shop. I saw a lovely pram and my mum marched up to the shop owner and loudly said, if I buy this and something happens to the baby can I get my money back? I was absolutely horrified and I burst into tears! I had to leave the shop and go home and she honestly couldn't understand why.

We have a okay relationship now but it’s taken many years and lots of therapy on my part to forgive some of the things she has done,
Me and my sister were SA by out biological father on his contact time this was deallt with at the time by the courts we were under 7 no issue with my mum over this
However she got with my stepfather who started to abuse me within a month of moving in with us I disclosed at 17 what he had been doing all them years she left him for about 5 months then let him move back in with us this I can never forgive I basically loved at fronds for the next year then got married moved abroad she finally got rid a few years later.
She believed me from the time I told her but his hold over her was to great
She did stand by me when I took him to court 4 years ago and was a witness but we still have a strained relationship but she’s an amazing grandma and I still want her part of my life

I wrote this poem about my mum a few months ago. I’ve never tried writing poetry before and I am no poet but I found it really useful to process my feelings about our relationship because instead of thinking too much about how I actually felt, I was thinking about how to put it into words. I’m posting it here having never showed it to anyone before as it seems relevant! Funnily enough I get on with her better now, partly she has shown a slight interest in me (first time in decades) but also weirdly the act of writing this lot out seems to have released me from my sadness. Also perhaps it’s been easier for me to get over as unlike other pp, my mum has not been active in my life at all, so I haven’t had to get over her being actively mean, just neglectful.

Dear mum
Do you ever think about what might have been
If you had treated me like a human being?
The love and support we could have had
The missed opportunities they make me sad
Did you ever think ‘I could hold her’?
If you had ever been a shoulder
That I could cry on, a help, a support
But instead our relationship has been caught in no man’s land
I don’t think that you even notice
Or know or care about the coldness
You’ve been benignly negligent, not mean
But I do wonder what could have been
If you had related to me as a human being

Could we have helped each other to be happy?
I guess you never needed me
For anything, maybe you wanted me to feel free
But all my life I’ve felt cut adrift
There’s not even been much of a rift
Because there was never much there to miss
No love or laughter, hugs or a kiss

Maybe you cared but never dared to have love shared with me
Did I mean anything to you?
Or did you want to feel free of me, nothing for you to see or want to know about?

And here we are still getting older
And what we have is getting colder
We never had any understanding
You never knew me

I have my own children now and I cannot understand how
You put so little into what you have with me, such a missed opportunity
At least I can do my best to arrest this pattern of love’s lost opportunity so my kids can know and feel unity with me

But I don’t have much love to lose
It was never there
Because you never cared

… reading it now it sounds quite depressing. But honestly- writing it all down made me feel so much better, I think it helped me to accept the relationship for what it is and has enabled me to move forward.
Hope you make peace with what you have too. There are others who love you, and they are the ones that are important.

Same here, so I keep contact minimal. My Mother tries to compete with me and treats me like I am her peer. Massive gossip/unable to keep anything to herself, so I do not tell her anything. Tries to belittle me in front of others, but apparently sings my praises when I’m not around. When I announced my 3rd pregnancy after a MC said, ‘Again!?’
Wasn’t interested in being a Grandmother and never offered any support, but is now interested in her GC as she’s bored, fed up with her DH and lonely.

I’m near enough NC with my Father (saw DV and Emotional Abuse between my parents & then hot footed it out of the home as a teen when the DV was directed at me).

I am so very sorry for your loss

I have a good relationship with my mum, not so much when I was younger but it's great now. DH doesn't have the best relationship with his mum, it's very clear that whilst she loves him, she wishes he were different in pretty much every way possible. Whatever he does he could have done something more, done it differently, done it the way they or his dad did. It's exhausting just watching it.

My mum doesn't tell anyone anything about me as she isn't proud of me.
She's very shy and quiet to outsiders and very cold and mean to both me and my DB.
I'm very LC with her. I have 2 DD and she never asks about them only asks about me and if I've been to work etc
It's weird. Frustratingly weird and quite upsetting

I haven’t spoken to my mother in years. She’s not a mother to me and never has been. I’m 50 and it still hurts. I wish it didn’t.

So sorry for your loss.

I don’t have a great relationship with my mum. She’s always been distant with me and it feels like nothing I do is ever good enough. Whatever I tell her, she will find something negative to say about it. It’s exhausting. She makes everything about her. I heard her saying that she was ‘the most important person at the wedding’ at my wedding. She asks why I never put gushing posts on Facebook when it’s her birthday yet she never puts anything like that on about me. She’s never once said that she loves me. I don’t remember ever being hugged by her as a child.

No, as others have said here, my mum is available for practical help. Eg if I needed emergency childcare she would drive to me. (I have never asked her). If I needed any amount of money she'd have it in my account tomorrow.
But she was emotionally unavailable when I was a child (various reasons from her childhood and from our family situation when I was young) and so I never had a close relationship with her. She also has massive anxiety which I cannot deal with/give headspace to. And is very negative. The last time I saw her she had a vitriolic story about poor customer care she had received, then told me about a friend whose husband is very sick, he almost died, and it's the anniversary (of death) of the same lady's two siblings. I barely know her friend, ditto for the husband and didn't even know she had siblings. I don't need that negative conversation. Which then makes me disengage further

My mother is very similar. She genuinely thinks and believes she is a loving mother. However she has very little empathy andI now realise she is actually very narcissistic.
Her behaviour and lack of care has caused me immense upset over the years. Recently though, a switch has gone on in my head. She’s never going to change. I think she’s actually a bit mad. I don’t take it personally anymore. just detach and try to be civil. I would have loved to have had a loving mother who really was there for me. She only really cares about herself.

@PuertoPollensa

No, as others have said here, my mum is available for practical help. Eg if I needed emergency childcare she would drive to me. (I have never asked her). If I needed any amount of money she'd have it in my account tomorrow. But she was emotionally unavailable when I was a child (various reasons from her childhood and from our family situation when I was young) and so I never had a close relationship with her. She also has massive anxiety which I cannot deal with/give headspace to. And is very negative. The last time I saw her she had a vitriolic story about poor customer care she had received, then told me about a friend whose husband is very sick, he almost died, and it's the anniversary (of death) of the same lady's two siblings. I barely know her friend, ditto for the husband and didn't even know she had siblings. I don't need that negative conversation. Which then makes me disengage further

I could have written this.

Actually no. My mother wouldn’t drive across town to help me or give me money.

I adore my mum. She is fabulous. My MiL though, that’s a whole other story.

I really feel for you. I have a terrible relationship with my mother and don’t expect it to ever get better. Like you said, she knows nothing about me but loves talking about me, claiming my successes are due to her and bragging about my life. She abandoned me as a teenager and completely glosses over years of mental abuse and neglect. It used to make me sad - now I’m thankful I escaped.

@Mistlewoeandwhine

I haven’t spoken to my mother in years. She’s not a mother to me and never has been. I’m 50 and it still hurts. I wish it didn’t.

I know, they think i owe you nothing you're 50, but i only started figuring out the dynamics at about 47. I just allowed myself to be eroded for 47, so i may be 51, but it is hurting me NOW

In a word No! Tho she would probably say we have 🥴

Everybody seems to love her, but l find her lacking in empathy, always turns things round to her and l feel that anything l have done both in terms of my personal life and working life, has never been good enough and l am a disappointment to her.

I wish we could form a support group off MN. It’s a loss like no other.

Do I have a good relationship with my mother? No.

From a childhood where I felt like an inconvenience and where mental health problems were treated as if I was just making a fuss and placing yet MORE demands on her time and energy, to an adulthood where it’s been made clear what a failure I am as a woman (no husband, no children, a complete disinterest in housework AND no guilt for any of that - the horror!)

Throw in the idea that we’re all supposed to just put up with suffering because life was hard for HER so it should be for EVERYONE, the rants, the failure to actually know me as a person, the conspiracy theories, the homophobia and the racism and…well, it’s a bit shit, really.

She isn’t really in my life, I don’t enjoy her company and, well, there’s not a lot more to it than that. I’m baffled when people talk about their wonderful relationships with their mothers because it’s just not something I can relate to.

So sorry for your loss OP

My mum is very emotionally unavailable. She sees my DSis granddaughters almost every day but I don't live near and she never asks about my Ds16months. I used to send her lots of photos and tell her what he's been up to but I got sick of just getting a heart emoji back. Just like she's always been with me. Never asks me anything. Doubt she knows what job I have. Hadn't seen a photo of DS for months, she has no idea that he has a special interest in books or that he does this or that. But if I ask her for a knitted hat she will make it in 2 days flat.

Thank you for sharing your poem.

I can relate to so much of this, sadly.

Mine is self-absorbed, a martyr, the victim. Can never do wrong. Everything on her terms. She pushed me over the edge a few years ago and we are now very LC. It’s the best thing for my emotional well-being but it really sucks too. There’s no winners in any of this.

I have often wondered if it’s a generational thing too.

Sorry for your loss op. And sorry that your DM can’t find it in her to help you through your shit time. Get well soon