Do you have a good relationship with your mother?

[Thataintright]

Do you have a good relationship with your mum?

My mum has never been emotionally present in my life.

She could not tell you a thing about me, although loves talking about me.

Two recent examples- my granddaughter was stillborn.
I let my mother know, and she started messaging me about a new cake she has tried. Meanwhile, she'd told the whole family about the tragedy but not addressed it with me. No phone call, nothing.

Second example was that I tested positive for covid yesterday. I WhatsApp'd her to let her know (as well as asking if she's okay) and I've been left on 'read' since yesterday morning! But she will have told the whole family and I'll soon be getting cards through the post.

There are many, many more examples of this type of behaviour.

I so wish I had a mum who cared (I was adopted, if that makes any diff, bio mum died when I was young).

It's my biggest wish!

I just don't get it!

OP - Sorry for your loss 💐

@Choccorocco - Thank you for sharing your heartfelt poem. I’m sure it helped lots of us.

@MagpieMary
MagpieMary
‘I wish we could form a support group off MN. It’s a loss like no other.’

Hugs & 💐 for us all.

I find selecting Birthday and Mother’s Day cards without the gushy sentiments hard.

Have had numerous rows over the years. I had a milestone Birthday party at a venue with restricted numbers. My Mother was upset that I wouldn’t allow her to invite her friends over mine. Massive row on my Birthday.
Rows over her not wanting to attend a DC’s Birthday party. She wasn’t busy. She just did not understand why it would be nice for her to be there along with other family members. She thought that she did not need to attend as she did not have any young kids.
Although, she has extreme FOMO and will invite herself and other random people to everything else.

I do think it’s generational as her Mother/my GM is not maternal and has similar negative personality traits, although my GM’s empathy has improved when dealing with me, my DC and her other GC in her latter years. My Maternal Great GM was also not maternal and I think struggled with her MH according to the few anecdotes that have been shared about her life.
I think that they may be Bipolar. Difficult conversation to have with people who have not figured it out themselves.

Its hard going. Sorry for your loss op. Not sure if generational as some just difficult. She quite devious I find I have be on my game! 80

Mine was schizophrenic, which we only found out after she died. She had been diagnosed years before but passed it off as manic depression, which presumably she thought sounded less severe. We always knew there was more to it though.

My childhood was largely chaotic. My mum wasn't cold and could be very loving at times, but she was also very childish and selfish. She never did anything that required any sort of effort, so the house was filthy and we ate rubbish all the time. She would throw tantrums over absolutely nothing. She was extremely irresponsible and we often had power, phone, etc, cut off because she didn't pay the bills. From a very young age I felt like the parent dealing with a difficult toddler. My dad just pandered to her.

We had no guidance in life, so we really did have to work everything out for ourselves. It set us back years. As a young adult I had to try to look after her, rather than get support from her (which is what my friends got from their parents). It makes me sad seeing 'normal' families and it can feel very isolating.

Both my parents are dead now (and I'm still only mid 30s). It's an odd feeling, I miss them in a way but am also relieved to be free of all the drama and obligation. That probably sounds bad to anyone who hasn't experienced it.

Also very sorry for your loss OP. I agree with PPs that it would be good for you to take a step back from your mother and focus on your children.

My mum frequently ghosts me and is in and out of my life. She turns her phone off and goes poof she was in and out of psychiatric hospitals and used to physically and emotionally abuse me.
I still want a relationship and grieve for the mum I never had. I'm trying my best with DD i think my past has affected me I hope she knows how much I love her and I'm always there for her.

Forgot to post this earlier:

outofthefog.website/

That probably sounds bad to anyone who hasn't experienced it.

I think those who haven’t experienced a bad/indifferent parent really don’t understand how you can just not mind, or even prefer them not being in your life

They can't. My mother gets a buzz out of hurting me. But yet, identifies with being perfect. Her defence mechanisms protect her from any self-awareness or introspection. She can be pleasant (but distant) so long as I support her rosy perception of herself I've realised. If I call her out on any of her antics, she is a martyr beast, so she gets to behave horribly without feeling any guilt, because she is a MARTYR (victim).

It is horrendous. It's only now at 51 I'm unravelling myself.

Nobody with an emotionally healthy mother could understand.

CantStartaFireWithoutaSpark, thank you for the recommend. I will look and see if they do it on audible 😊

TrickOrTreat21, that is awful. I'm so sorry for you.

Redglitter. This is lovely. My friend's mum seems very much like yours. Our friendship group all adore her. And you can tell she cherishes her own children.

Thank you all for your responses. I apologise if I haven't replied Induvidually but I still have covid, at the mo, and I am feeling very tired, at odd times 😊.

I've read all of your replies, and it really helps that posters have given a perspective on why she/they behave that way.

I think that, because I was adopted, I thought she would cherish me forever. She loved me when I was a baby. But I note that pre-teens and beyond, she had no emotional time for me. She even yelled at me to shut up during labour . There was no support. Ever. And, if there was, it was a HUGE sing and dance. I often wondered why she adopted me..

She's one of these people that, when you are happy, great. But if ever you have anything on your mind, worries, etc., she gets very angry and dismissive. And she is the biggest gossip!

I really wish my mum was still alive. I didn’t, ever, involve her in my life. On reflection I would discuss my thoughts and worries with her. Sadly I’m too late ☹️ My mum would have understood my thoughts and feelings . I would have welcomed her input. My biggest mistake. I own it ☹️

tattySlippers, why didn't you involve her?

Thataintright

I really don’t know. Maybe because she was suffering ill health, maybe because she thought I could cope bringing up my family? Honestly I don’t know. I really wish I could turn back the clock. Maybe because I could get her view on my experiences at the time, or to let her know I was doing fine to put her mind at rest? Seriously I don’t know…

But if ever you have anything on your mind, worries, etc., she gets very angry and dismissive.

My parents are both like this, but I've come to accept it. Maybe they are just too close to have an objective or caring view. Like if I am upset about something, they seem to think I'm saying it's their fault or wanting them to solve the problem. When I'm not, just discussing an event.

But you know what, you can't have the same relationship with everyone in your life. Different people are good for different reasons. I can open up emotionally with friends, but if I needed money I'd ask my parents, and some things are best kept here on mumsnet!

I'm not adopted but have no relationship of any kind with my mother. I moved hundreds of miles away to get some peace.
I have complex trauma and toxic stress from my childhood.
I'm perfectly happy on my own but occasionally she'll contact me with some of her toxic drama and I'll be unable to get out of bed for the whole day.
Most of my life now is peaceful but I have to work hard at it.

Mine was like yours OP Our relationship has improved since she died.

She also did the making up things, and once she had then it was gospel even when it was clearly untrue, eg she always said there was '18 months between them' when asked about my age and my brothers, there's actually 23 months between us.

It's a pointless lie, no idea why she said it and even less why she always repeated it.

TattySlippers, that can't be easy for you

But you know what, you can't have the same relationship with everyone in your life. Different people are good for different reasons

Yes, there are a lot of practical things that she taught me, which I will truly be grateful for.

That’s so sad that she hasn’t been there for you OP.

My mum is similar. She lives nearby, but we rarely see her. She never visits, and has made it clear that if I pop in past hers that I should only bring 1 child (I have 3!) and even then we’re not welcome to stay long. It’s definitely got worse as the years have passed.

When my eldest was a toddler I suggested we all go on a family break together (since this was what all my friends were doing!) - she replied with ‘You must be joking. Why would I want to spend a weekend with you and your child?’.

My DH is working away for Christmas this year so I’ll be on my own with the DC. Everyone assumes I’ll be going to my mums for Christmas! I wish I had the type of relationship where she’d love to have us for Christmas, but I don’t.

She told my DC she doesn’t like children!

Have had no relationship with her - or any of her family - for 30 years!

I was illegitimate - strong Irish Catholics in the 50’s so I was the real scourge of the family 😒 - and boy was I made to feel different to her other dc. Left home at 15 never to return.

Not sure if she is still alive to be honest. Her house was sold over a year ago and I know her husband and another of her daughters died 5 years ago.

It sounds really callous but. I honestly don’t care. I speak about them very, very rarely and they just feel like complete strangers to me now.