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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you have a good relationship with your mother?

97 replies

Thataintright · 28/10/2021 17:41

Do you have a good relationship with your mum?

My mum has never been emotionally present in my life.

She could not tell you a thing about me, although loves talking about me.

Two recent examples- my granddaughter was stillborn.
I let my mother know, and she started messaging me about a new cake she has tried. Meanwhile, she'd told the whole family about the tragedy but not addressed it with me. No phone call, nothing.

Second example was that I tested positive for covid yesterday. I WhatsApp'd her to let her know (as well as asking if she's okay) and I've been left on 'read' since yesterday morning! But she will have told the whole family and I'll soon be getting cards through the post.

There are many, many more examples of this type of behaviour.

I so wish I had a mum who cared (I was adopted, if that makes any diff, bio mum died when I was young).

It's my biggest wish!

I just don't get it!

OP posts:
Rollaroundtheclock · 28/10/2021 19:24

I have this as well. I could write a book but several years ago I was very nearly caught up in a terrorist attack. I received so many messages from people through the night checking I was ok except from her. The following morning still no word but she was posting all over Facebook about how worried she was…I couldn’t believe it. It took a lot not to post under it saying ‘I’m fine by the way thanks for asking’. She is toxic, anything bad that happens to anyone is all about how it affects her, no matter how far removed she is and she also lies and makes stuff up for attention. I just stay away as much as possible.

Mary46 · 28/10/2021 19:26

Op not easy. Mine is hard work 80. Got used to getting her own way by dad. These people wont change. My contact is minimal. But some people are just difficult. Holiday topics are avoided!!

Simonjt · 28/10/2021 19:33

Haven’t seen or spoken to her since I was a teenager, no loss, shes a horrible person who shouldn’t have had children.

The person I call Mum however is great, we have a really good relationship and shes a brilliant Grandma. Shes the best human ever.

idontlikealdi · 28/10/2021 19:58

Not really. My sister is very much the 'golden child' even though she's moved 6000 miles away, I do all of the helping out and things they need but don't get the appreciation for it. I do it because she's my mother but often wonder why.

She also clearly favourites the grandkids on the other side which doesn't help.

TeaAndToastNameChange · 28/10/2021 20:09

I had a complex relationship with my mum. She was vulnerable, but quite abusive and neglectful growing up. Quite toxic. But I loved her.

She died last month and for all her faults and all the complexity and difficult times I went though with her, I would do anything to see again for an hour, a minute even, and give her a hug.

purpleme12 · 28/10/2021 20:18

I'm not close with her no.
I'm not sure she respects me really
She's not there for me emotionally. So I don't go to her
I don't know why it all is.
I guess you could say she's there practically sometimes

TrickOrTreat21x · 28/10/2021 20:21

My mum was like that.

I had stillborn triplets I was told two days later by her "don't pregnant again.", "everyone has miscarriages you get over it."

She also forced me into having an abortion when I was younger (but old enough.)

And many other things.

I snapped one day after another horrible comment. Told her I never wanted to speak to her again.
Something changed. She changed.
We got in contact again 6 months later and she's been very supportive since. She still has her odd moment - but it's very rare and she's always quick to apologise.

It may be worth talking to your mum.

AntoniaNickNacks · 28/10/2021 20:23

Mine sadly passed away pretty young. She was a complicated character really and was not happy a lot of the time. We had a mixed relationship. Sometimes best of friends and sometimes I couldn't stand her.

If she was still alive I bet she'd still drive me mad. I do miss her a lot, but it's easy to remember someone's good points when they are no longer here.

Ihaveoflate · 28/10/2021 20:23

Do you think it's a generational thing? My mum is early 70s and absolutely will not engage at an emotional level. She only ever talks about herself and doesn't know the first thing about me really. But she is quite good on a practical level and always has been.

I've only recently accepted that it's just how she is and she'll never change. We'll only ever have a superficial relationship, which is a shame but she could be a lot worse.

I don't know many people my age (40s) with an especially close relationship with their mother. I hope things will be different between me and daughter.

AntoniaNickNacks · 28/10/2021 20:26

To add, I'm approaching 40 and do find my relationship with my dad is quite distant now. My own dcs are my main focus and my dad has his own life which is very separate to mine. We don't live near each other. I do try to stay in touch by phone though.

toolazytothinkofausername · 28/10/2021 20:28

@Lndnmummy

My mum is toxic. She has never been able to stand me. Often when I read here about how people think their mum is their rock etc I day dream about having that. Someone that loved me unconditionally, was proud of me and rooted for me. Its sad really.
Same Sad

But on the flip side I know everything I have ever achieved has been down to me alone, and I should be extremely proud of myself for that.

Original poster
Thataintright · 28/10/2021 21:48

EishetChayil, oh my! Our mothers sound very similar! And our childhood was definitely dictated by her mood. She was either completely distressed or 'crying' uncontrollably.

I note now that she used to manipulate me. So when Social Services came around, I would feel sorry for her and, this, forget about the abuse.

She is a wicked woman. Those in the church continue to love her, and sing her praises...

How have you managed to cope with it, EishetChayil?

OP posts:
Original poster
Thataintright · 28/10/2021 21:52

HoikingUpMyBigGirlPantss. I hear you. But isn't it strange? I have never had a relationship with her. She has never, once, sat me down and spoken to me about anything. It's truly bizarre.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thataintright · 28/10/2021 21:54

BlackAlys, sorry to hear that. It sounds like you have gone through the mill, as well Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
Thataintright · 28/10/2021 21:56

AgnesXNitt. Yes, my mother only seemed to have to emotions. One to satisfy her narcissism and the other to garner sympathy. She had a shocking temper. It was lethal!

OP posts:
Original poster
Thataintright · 28/10/2021 21:58

FatCatThinCat. Of all the times of feeling vulnerable, you would have thought she would have put you first, in that situation. You must have been so scared.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thataintright · 28/10/2021 22:00

Rollaroundtheclock. Yes, she is similar to mine. I've already had three 'get well' messages from family (who she"d obviously told) but still nothing from her Hmm

I think my mother is unhinged.

OP posts:
TheUndeadLovelinessOfDemons · 28/10/2021 22:01

My relationship with my mum is worse now, she shouts over me, says DH doesn't seem like he has ADHD, when everyone with ADHD is different, there so many subjects that she'll mention that trigger a meltdown in me (I'm autistic).

Recently she said "I hope in the future we'll be able to talk about anything."

Yet again I explained why that can't happen.

ThatsNotMyReindeer · 28/10/2021 22:02

I have no contact with my mum. She's an alcoholic, quite advanced by recent accounts from neighbours and I wouldnt be surprised if it killed her soon. She's been drinking to significant excess for 15+ years but even before that she was totally emotionally unavailable. I was never told I was loved, I was never told she was proud of me etc. despite like most mother mentioned, loving to brag about my achievements to others, but to my face nothing was ever good enough. I got 98% in an exam I took 2 years early, her response was why didn't you get 100%?

The moment I knew I was pregnant I felt so much love for my son that I honestly don't know how she is the way she is. She clearly has major issues but for my own sake I had to cut contact. I figure if I do the opposite to my child that my parents did to me, I'll be doing OK!!

CantStartaFireWithoutaSpark · 28/10/2021 22:03

I have the same mother.
She’s horrible and I resent her so much. She’s the source of all my pain, my brother’s growing up into just horrible adults.
I recommend every single one of you in this thread buy and read this book. It may be the steps you need to start healing.

Do you have a good relationship with your mother?
Redglitter · 28/10/2021 22:05

I have a fantastic relationship with my Mum. She lives about a mile from me, we talk several times a day on the phone & I see her a couple of times a week

I suffer from several health problems and she's very supportive

Shes close to my brother & me. She gets on very well with my friends too, in fact she goes walking with one of them 😂 and she came out with me today when I was meeting someone who had said they hadn't seen her for ages

I love her to bits & dread the time when she's not here

MrsBerthaRochester · 28/10/2021 22:05

No. We havent spoken in nearly three years after she threatened to stab me. She is a narc and has mental health issues that she refuses to address. She accused me of sleeping with my youngests sister father when i was 15. The reality is he was physically and sexually abusive. She cant handle this so twists the narrative to suit her version. The sad thing is both my sists no longer speak to me as they will not stand up to her. Im the classic scapegoat child.

PinkiOcelot · 28/10/2021 22:06

I’m so sorry for the loss of your granddaughter.

I think if I were you I’d just not tell her anything.

My mam was great. Always there for me no matter what. She has Alzheimer’s now and doesn’t even know who I am. I tell myself that I was very lucky to have had her as my mam. I’ve modelled myself on her and will always be there for my dds no matter what.

ManifestingWisdom · 28/10/2021 22:06

No. She just sees me as an object self.

I cannot be hurt by her, but she can be hurt by me. I don't get to have feelings but I'm manipulated to consider hers. i've tried to point out inconsistencies in her guilt-tripping but another one of lovely attributes is the silent treatment and stonewalling, so, nope, no communication is possible. There is ONE perception, hers. That's it. Mine is an offensive act of aggression I'm inflicting on her.
She is the victim of me. And my Dad and my brother are her foot soldiers.

So ............... no :-(

LubaLuca · 28/10/2021 22:08

Do you think it's a generational thing? My mum is early 70s and absolutely will not engage at an emotional level.

I've often wondered this about my mum who's also in her 70s. She tries very hard to be emotionally detached from family and friends, which can feel hurtful at times.

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