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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re. Christmas and family visits?

460 replies

minervas1 · 28/10/2021 12:22

Just trying to sense check if I'm being U or if DH is...

Last Christmas we spent just us two (no kids yet!) and it was lovely, we had a perfect time. It had always been the plan to spend it like that after years of traipsing around between two families (usually 24th-26th with one, and then 27th-30th with another), but obviously Covid rules meant we couldn't visit anyone in the run up to Christmas or around NY as had been the plan.

This year I had presumed we would spend Xmas Eve, Day and Boxing Day alone but visit families before and after. I expressed this to DH, asking whether he wanted to see his Mum+Dad before or after Xmas, and he said he didn't want to do any of that. He said he didn't want to drive around on his annual leave and be guests in other people's houses, and just wanted to relax like last year. We both got a bit irritated with each other, and he eventually said he would do one trip if necessary to my Mum and Dad, but he was only going to do one. I think this is really cruel to his family who we're really close to, and I don't want to miss seeing mine in the festive season either.

Now, here's where I may be being Unreasonable... I don't drive. I can't drive, never had any interest in learning (not medical or trauma related or anything, just have never had to). Our families live quite far from us, so visiting does involve 4 hours of driving, although not difficult driving and mostly on motorway. DH says he finds that exhausting and it makes him tired for Christmas when he is "on holiday", and that travel days eat into festive time. He is happy to see family earlier in December and then just hunker down for the christmas period itself.

I don't know if he's just being a lazy dick here or not, tbh? Is it unreasonable to expect him to do the driving so we can make family happy and have some nice visits, especially as I already feel we're being a bit selfish by having Christmas just us two? Or is he fair enough? Is there a compromise here?

OP posts:
tiggerwhocamefortea · 28/10/2021 14:22

although not difficult driving and mostly on motorway.

Well you wouldn't know would you....since you don't drive

don't know if he's just being a lazy dick here or not, tbh?

Well One of you is the lazy dick but it isn't your husband in this scenario

starfishmummy · 28/10/2021 14:22

Learn to drive and then come back and say 4 hours on a motorway is "not difficult driving"

RampantIvy · 28/10/2021 14:23

@episcomama

And it's a four-hour round trip? I thought you meant 4 hours each way? So two hours each way is enough to induce an attack if the vapours in your DH? Fuck me, unless he has ME or CFS I'd wonder what was wrong with him.
Or maybe he just doesn't want to?
TrickOrTreat21x · 28/10/2021 14:23

Your being the lazy dick not learning to drive and expecting to be driven around. YABU.

DaisyNGO · 28/10/2021 14:24

[quote julieca]@InTheNightWeWillWish if Driving is really so bloody exhausting for him, just stop for a coffee.
I think OP was wrong to use income for DP to learn to drive. Because this kind of control by men is so common.[/quote]
I'd hate to do 4 hours WITH a coffee break. I didn't really think OP was suggesting 4 hours non stop.

The money she paid benefits her as he mostly drives her. She says she doesn't want to drive.

Driving a long way with someone who can't drive is a pain, if anything goes wrong, they can't help out. Especially in winter when you might suddenly get a bug...dare I say, even more likely at the mo.

InTheNightWeWillWish · 28/10/2021 14:24

@minervas1

So I take on board a lot of what everyone is saying and obviously everyone thinks I’m in the wrong so fine, I will quietly think it’s unfair rather than continuing to complain to him, but I would like to point out two things.
  1. My DH couldn’t drive when we met. When we first left university neither of us could afford it, and then a few years after that he really wanted to learn so we could stop taking the train and we knew it would massively enhance our quality of life. We both paid for him to learn, the car was given to us by my Mum (her old car), we both pay for the upkeep and costs associated. He doesn’t drive for himself, he drives for our household, in the same way when I put on washing I do it for both of us. I think it’s super weird that everyone thinks I’m getting “lifts” everywhere - he may physically do the driving but I’m just as entitled to want to use the car, within reason. He’s not my Dad giving me a lift to the cinema to meet up with my mates for gods sake.
  1. I’m surprised so many people think it’s ok to tell your spouse they can’t have guests at Christmas. I wonder how many of you would like it if your husband said that?
1) my DH couldn’t drive when we met either and he learnt shortly after we graduated. ‘Our’ first car was my car. I bought it, I insured it. We paid for the maintenance on it and he gave me some money towards his share of the insurance. DH would still give me a lift to the train station in the morning. It was in my car that I bought but he still gave me a lift. Now partly this was because he was wanting to drive himself to work later (I caught the first train) but he was still giving me a lift. It gave me 5 extra minutes in the morning because I didn’t need to defrost the car. It meant I could eat my breakfast on the way to the station rather than driving. We still share a car now and jointly contribute to costs. If he wants the car when I have plans, he has to give me a lift. He has to organise his plans around where I want to be. Or vice versa. I don’t need him to give me a lift to meet my friends. You do. You have to make sure he’s free to drive you or to ask your friends to pick you up. If you’re meeting your friends for dinner and the cinema, how is it any different than your dad driving you there? Other than you’re contributing to the cost of the maintenance of the car which you weren’t doing at 15.
  1. we ask each other before we have guests to our house. There is a compromise usually in that we would manage how long someone stays. It doesn’t sound like you’re open to compromise though, so maybe a hard no is the only option? We’ve also had one of his friends outstay his welcome (technically his ex gf) over the Christmas period. I told DH when they finally left that they weren’t coming over again. Fortunately he agreed. I’m expecting our first child and expecting to be inundated with visitors in early December. We are agreeing the boundaries between us and realise there’s compromise needed on both sides - me how long I spend with his parents and him how long he spends with mine. That’s a discussion to be had between you. Neither of us live near family either, so yes that compromise takes into account how far they’ve travelled to see us. If he’s never allowing visitors, that’s a different story but he’s saying he doesn’t want to endlessly host over Christmas. He’s not saying they can’t turn up at other times. Neither of us would agree to endlessly host family over Christmas as it’s a time for us to relax.
StormyTeacups · 28/10/2021 14:25

He sounds quite intransigent.

But, it is his family that is missing out I guess. And no, him telling you that you can't have guests is not on

ImUninsultable · 28/10/2021 14:25

@AryaStarkWolf

She wants guests over christmas but she doesnt want to do the work of organising the house for it.

Sounds like she wants him to do hosting work if they visit or for him to do 16 hours of driving over the holiday so she can go on visits that he doesnt want to do.

It sounds a little like he has reached the end if his tether and is exhausted and just wants a break.

OP should absolutely be allowed to invite her family over. As long as he keeps the place as clean as he would usually do then that's fine. But she sounds like she wants more than that.

MeredithGreyishblue · 28/10/2021 14:25

He doesn't have to be sitting next to you while you do the laundry though!

You're both entitled to a Christmas you're happy with. Find a compromise or a good public transport link.

CSJobseeker · 28/10/2021 14:27

@Bargoed

Honestly you don't drive and have no empathy just how bloody exhausting it is!
This.

*so visiting does involve 4 hours of driving, although not difficult driving and mostly on motorway"

As a non-driver, you are in no position whatsoever to comment on the relative difficulty of a driving journey, and 4 hours is a lot of driving so will be tiring no matter kind of roads it's on.

Your options are:

  • learn to drive
  • get some form of public transport
  • persuade your family to visit you instead

But you can't expect your DH to facilitate your wish to take long journeys when you don't contribute to the driving at all.

CSJobseeker · 28/10/2021 14:28

(bold fail)

Bonniegirlie · 28/10/2021 14:28

Driving is tiring! You're so out of order never learning and leaving it all to him. Sheesh. And you're calling him lazy? Wow, just wow

Notonthestairs · 28/10/2021 14:30

You sound like you think you've invested in a long term on call taxi driver. Learn to drive.

Guests staying has to be a joint decision and compromises worked through.

julieca · 28/10/2021 14:30

OP I would ignore this MN thread. So many people calling you names who haven't even read the thread and are talking out their arse.
Put yourself first from now on. He is controlling.

AryaStarkWolf · 28/10/2021 14:30

[quote ImUninsultable]@AryaStarkWolf

She wants guests over christmas but she doesnt want to do the work of organising the house for it.

Sounds like she wants him to do hosting work if they visit or for him to do 16 hours of driving over the holiday so she can go on visits that he doesnt want to do.

It sounds a little like he has reached the end if his tether and is exhausted and just wants a break.

OP should absolutely be allowed to invite her family over. As long as he keeps the place as clean as he would usually do then that's fine. But she sounds like she wants more than that.[/quote]
ahh OK, I missed that bit, bloody hell

senorafridgidaire · 28/10/2021 14:31

Team DH here. If he's always been happy to do The Visits in previous years, cut the poor chap some slack this year - let him stay home and chill for a fortnight, and let him deal with the fallout if he doesn't want to visit his own family, if there even is any fallout. I can't imagine anything worse that a forced 'we WILL see both families between the dates of X and Y because CHRISTMAS'. Doesn't stop you getting on a train to go and visit whoever you like, and you've said he's happy to see everyone earlier in Dec, so no big deal surely?

And yes, learn to drive.

CSJobseeker · 28/10/2021 14:31

Jointly paying for the item doesn't mean you can demand someone else's labour.

And I agree with this!

I assume your DH jointly bought the appliances in your house. If there was a shared appliance which he refused to learn how to use, would he have the right to dictate to you when he required you to use it? Hell no!

You want to use the car? Learn how to drive it and get a licence.

Thatsnotall · 28/10/2021 14:31

@minervas1

I think what is so frustrating is he doesn’t control when my family visit at any other time - we actually just had my Mum down to stay with us for a mini-holiday, and his siblings often visit. He’s just got it into his head that it would be really hard work to have anyone over the Christmas holiday, whereas I would have multiple visits from both sides of our family happily.

I think possibly he is feeling incredibly drained after this year, which I do understand, it’s just annoying for me. Maybe I need to think more about the reasons he is saying this to me rather than just that it’s upsetting.

I think you’re totally missing the point. We had Christmas year before last just us, no family, and I can’t tell you how amazing it was. I now look at the ‘family-visiting’ of Christmas with absolute dread (be it going to them or them coming to us). He’s simply found Christmas to be more enjoyable when it’s just the two of you - I think you’re being very very unreasonable to dismiss that on the need to ‘make family happy’ as per your OP. Why is making your wider-family happy more important than what your DH wants? That’s not to say what you want doesn’t matter, of course it does, but what you want can only happen with him doing all the things he said he doesn’t want to. The compromise he has offered is to see your family earlier in the month which IS a compromise if he doesn’t want to travel anywhere at all over the Christmas period and he HAS to be the one to take you because you can’t drive …. I can’t see why this is so awful?

So yes, you’re being enormously unreasonable. And the washing comparison of previous post is also a bit odd. Presumably DH can use it? And if you asked him to put a load on, he could? And it would have very limited impact on anyone’s time? Owning a vehicle may be a shared household asset but using it is not. It feels like, if he drives you around everywhere all year long, to say no, once a year, is more than reasonable.

Really struggling to see how you’re not understanding this. Hope you work it out.

wasthataburp · 28/10/2021 14:31

Why can't they visit you?

NorthSouthcatlady · 28/10/2021 14:34

I can see where he is coming from. Those dash around and have to visit lots of people type Christmas’s tire me out

YABU for calling him lazy as he won’t drive you. Driving is tiring and you can’t demand people do stuff you won’t do yourself. A friend of mine can’t and won’t drive, difference is she doesn’t expect people to drive on her behalf. She either walks, gets a taxi or uses public transport

TeeTotaller1 · 28/10/2021 14:35

4 hours driving v staying at home?

I'd be doing the latter, sod that

Learn to drive then in a years time I'll bet you'll be saying you don't want to schlep up and down the motorway when it's your annual leave

Morgan12 · 28/10/2021 14:36

I do think he is being rather selfish actually.

He won't drive (fair enough).
He won't compromise and get a train.
He won't allow any visitors.

Seems like he's doing what he wants and you've to like it or lump it.

I'd leave him all alone and go spend Christmas with my family.

Thatsnotall · 28/10/2021 14:37

@julieca

OP I would ignore this MN thread. So many people calling you names who haven't even read the thread and are talking out their arse. Put yourself first from now on. He is controlling.
So the bloke who drives his wife round anywhere she wants for 351 days of the year because she can’t drive the car she owns, and who has now said he’d like not to do anything other than chill at home with his wife for a fortnight at Christmas for the first time, is controlling? Hmm
Wizzbangfizz · 28/10/2021 14:39

Learn to drive and share the load! If he won't facilitate visiting his own family leave him to it and get him to tell them why!

julieca · 28/10/2021 14:40

@Thatsnotall no the couple where the man gets prioritised for any money on learning to increase his skills, but then controls both when he uses them, and his partners family coming to stay.
It is very common if money is limited for it to be spent on the mans skills rather than the woman.