AIBU re. Christmas and family visits?

[minervas1]

Just trying to sense check if I'm being U or if DH is...

Last Christmas we spent just us two (no kids yet!) and it was lovely, we had a perfect time. It had always been the plan to spend it like that after years of traipsing around between two families (usually 24th-26th with one, and then 27th-30th with another), but obviously Covid rules meant we couldn't visit anyone in the run up to Christmas or around NY as had been the plan.

This year I had presumed we would spend Xmas Eve, Day and Boxing Day alone but visit families before and after. I expressed this to DH, asking whether he wanted to see his Mum+Dad before or after Xmas, and he said he didn't want to do any of that. He said he didn't want to drive around on his annual leave and be guests in other people's houses, and just wanted to relax like last year. We both got a bit irritated with each other, and he eventually said he would do one trip if necessary to my Mum and Dad, but he was only going to do one. I think this is really cruel to his family who we're really close to, and I don't want to miss seeing mine in the festive season either.

Now, here's where I may be being Unreasonable... I don't drive. I can't drive, never had any interest in learning (not medical or trauma related or anything, just have never had to). Our families live quite far from us, so visiting does involve 4 hours of driving, although not difficult driving and mostly on motorway. DH says he finds that exhausting and it makes him tired for Christmas when he is "on holiday", and that travel days eat into festive time. He is happy to see family earlier in December and then just hunker down for the christmas period itself.

I don't know if he's just being a lazy dick here or not, tbh? Is it unreasonable to expect him to do the driving so we can make family happy and have some nice visits, especially as I already feel we're being a bit selfish by having Christmas just us two? Or is he fair enough? Is there a compromise here?

Perhaps this is your DH's way of getting you to learn to drive...

And yes YABU.

OP "I think it’s super weird that everyone thinks I’m getting “lifts” everywhere - he may physically do the driving but I’m just as entitled to want to use the car, within reason"

Not a valid comparison

If DH does your laundry, he can use the machine to do it.

In this case, you can't use the machine. And it sounds like you have no idea why it might be hard work.

Jointly paying for the item doesn't mean you can demand someone else's labour.

If he doesnt want to drive then you either go by public transport or stay at home. I don't think he should be obliged to ferry you around if he would rather stay at home.

Gosh it says something that as a household you needed one driver, so even though the car would be a gift from your mum, as a couple it would be him that got the budget for lessons and acquired a skill that is useful for many jobs and gives him control over where you go and when.

If he doesn't drive regularly, then driving 2 hours will be tiring. It would be better long term if you could share that or in cases like this where only you want to go, he can duck out. If he's less sociable than you, this could be an ongoing issue.

I couldn't live with a man who would refuse to have my family visit at all. And controlled when I could go see them. You have been together since Uni, so have you spent the bulk of your adult life with him? Think about if this is actually how you want to live.

[quote julieca]@ancientgran except she isnt leaching lifts as you so delightfully put it.[/quote]
I was actually agreeing with the poster I quoted when she commented on the audacity of someone who can't be bothered to learn to drive calling someone a lazy dick. Calling someone a lazy dick is delightful, did you comment on that?

@minervas1

So I take on board a lot of what everyone is saying and obviously everyone thinks I’m in the wrong so fine, I will quietly think it’s unfair rather than continuing to complain to him, but I would like to point out two things.

1. My DH couldn’t drive when we met. When we first left university neither of us could afford it, and then a few years after that he really wanted to learn so we could stop taking the train and we knew it would massively enhance our quality of life. We both paid for him to learn, the car was given to us by my Mum (her old car), we both pay for the upkeep and costs associated. He doesn’t drive for himself, he drives for our household, in the same way when I put on washing I do it for both of us. I think it’s super weird that everyone thinks I’m getting “lifts” everywhere - he may physically do the driving but I’m just as entitled to want to use the car, within reason. He’s not my Dad giving me a lift to the cinema to meet up with my mates for gods sake.

1. I’m surprised so many people think it’s ok to tell your spouse they can’t have guests at Christmas. I wonder how many of you would like it if your husband said that?

You’re not driving. The car belongs to a household. But your husband isn’t your slave is he? He is by all means allowed to say. No I don’t want to drive. Xmas is known for how hard it is and so busy. Which requires a lot more concentration. Motorway driving then adds to that on TOP.

You’re being so unreasonable!

[quote julieca]@Whatiswrongwithmyknee I am not looking down on anyone. But if an OP posted saying her DP finds it exhausting to hoover the whole house - that might be true, but it is really not a reason to say he shouldn't then hoover.[/quote]
I would find hoovering the whole house exhausting at the minute because I’m pregnant. The difference is I can hoover downstairs and say to DH that I’m tired and ask if he can take over and do upstairs. I can also do some rooms and leave some for later in the day or even the next day. Once I start hoovering I don’t have to hoover the whole house in one go, it would be ideal because then it’s done but its an activity that can be stopped part way through.

OP’s DH can’t say he’s tired and stop at a service station and ask her to take over because she can’t drive. No matter how bad the roads are, how bad the weather is, if he has a migraine or his back is hurting, they can’t swap drivers. They can’t just wait at the service station until the next day. Once he starts driving he needs to keep driving until he reaches the destination.

I would regularly drive 3 hours one way weekly for work (thankfully Covid stopped that). This isn’t that I’m a nervous driver or can’t drive long distances or on motorways. For such an experienced driver, surely you just realise that certain motorways are better than others? M25 90% of the time is a shit hole. M6 around Birmingham is usually much worse than the M6 around Preston.

OP prioritise budget for you learning to drive. Your DP is being controlling. You need the independence.

You may ^want* to use the car OP, but as you're not qualified to do so, you can't. Not sure what you don't understand about that. Non-drivers don't get a say in how often or for how long a driver has to drive.

Your second point is, however, a valid one. The obvious compromise here is that people visit you, and in that you do get a say because you live in a joint property.

I think what is so frustrating is he doesn’t control when my family visit at any other time - we actually just had my Mum down to stay with us for a mini-holiday, and his siblings often visit. He’s just got it into his head that it would be really hard work to have anyone over the Christmas holiday, whereas I would have multiple visits from both sides of our family happily.

I think possibly he is feeling incredibly drained after this year, which I do understand, it’s just annoying for me. Maybe I need to think more about the reasons he is saying this to me rather than just that it’s upsetting.

“I think it’s super weird that everyone thinks I’m getting “lifts” everywhere - he may physically do the driving but I’m just as entitled to want to use the car, within reason.”

Not true at all. If you used the car without him in it you would just be sitting in the driveway.

I agree with others that you should learn to drive but to answer your question YABU. He has suggested visiting everyone earlier in December, I would do that. And if you still want to visit your own family closer to actual Christmas then make your own way there.

@InTheNightWeWillWish if Driving is really so bloody exhausting for him, just stop for a coffee.
I think OP was wrong to use income for DP to learn to drive. Because this kind of control by men is so common.

@julieca

The only thing I don't like is driving rain and thick patches of fog. Apart from that I don't care. Traffic jams - put music on and sing along.

Whoop de do for you.

@LittleDandelionClock

Yeah we never visit anyone over Christmas. I prefer to drink and my lovely DH doesn't want to spend his time driving. So they can come to us or not see us. I am sure there will be pearl clutching over this and accusations of selfishness but we are comfortable with our decision.

Are you planning to learn to drive op?

@thing47

You may ^want* to use the car OP, but as you're not qualified to do so, you can't. Not sure what you don't understand about that. Non-drivers don't get a say in how often or for how long a driver has to drive.

Your second point is, however, a valid one. The obvious compromise here is that people visit you, and in that you do get a say because you live in a joint property.

She could go and sit in it for 4 hrs, she's entitled to. Of course she isn't entitled to say he has to drive it while she's sat there calling other people lazy dicks.

I don't blame your partner tbh. Driving around visiting family at Christmas is tiring and time consuming IMO. He sounds like he just wants to chill out on his time off and last year covid was the eye opener for that!

The thing is though @minervas1 - he learned how to drive and you still haven't. All the rest is smoke and mirrors.
Stop quietly thinking it's unfair - it isn't.
Stop continuing to complain to him - he doesn't deserve this.

You are being unreasonable.

As for not wanting people to stay in your house, I can respect that. I would see that in a similar light as not wanting family or friends to join you on your holidays.

Even though I definitely think you're BU, I don't think you're BU about having people visit over Christmas, it's your home too and he needs to compromise with you there i think

You're fully entitled to use the car. So, go drive yourself. Oh. Wait. . .

He's open to family visits at other times, he's feeling bloody knackered, clearly and really doesn't want to host, or be hosted. If you don't like that, you can leave him to it, travel by public transport (or drive yourself, you are after all, fully entitled to use the car), and go and have family Christmas with your family or your inlaws. I do seem to remember that one of your objections to hosting was that you'd have to do all the grunt work for that. But you're the one that wants it. . .

She could go and sit in it for 4 hrs, she's entitled to

@minervas1

So I take on board a lot of what everyone is saying and obviously everyone thinks I’m in the wrong so fine, I will quietly think it’s unfair rather than continuing to complain to him, but I would like to point out two things.

1. My DH couldn’t drive when we met. When we first left university neither of us could afford it, and then a few years after that he really wanted to learn so we could stop taking the train and we knew it would massively enhance our quality of life. We both paid for him to learn, the car was given to us by my Mum (her old car), we both pay for the upkeep and costs associated. He doesn’t drive for himself, he drives for our household, in the same way when I put on washing I do it for both of us. I think it’s super weird that everyone thinks I’m getting “lifts” everywhere - he may physically do the driving but I’m just as entitled to want to use the car, within reason. He’s not my Dad giving me a lift to the cinema to meet up with my mates for gods sake.

1. I’m surprised so many people think it’s ok to tell your spouse they can’t have guests at Christmas. I wonder how many of you would like it if your husband said that?

I don't think it's OK for him to tell you you can't have guests at Christmas but I read your post saying you wouldn't invite people over when you know he doesn't want them there, so I guess there isn't much you can do about that?

Quite honestly if my DP told me I couldn't have my family over for Christmas I'd go to them without him on the train, in your shoes.

I don't agree with you about driving though, it's not really the same as doing the laundry, which you could both do if needed. And ultimately you might not be in this position if you drove as maybe he wouldn't feel so rubbish about having to drive so much over Christmas and you would also have the capability of driving yourself, even if he doesn't join.

I'd have a chat with him and see whether if you were able to share the drive would he be more willing to travel over Christmas. If yes, that's maybe something you can do next year.

Your last comment is crazy sorry. It’s far easier to put clothes in the washing machine and press a button than it is to drive 4 hours on an “easy” motorway!

People who don’t drive always think it’s easy and usually are unrealistic just as you are. I loved the thread about a non driver previously saying that “it’s only drivers getting panicked about the petrol crisis and you don’t find non drivers getting themselves riled”. Eer no that’s because they don’t drive and need petrol!

He’s offered various solutions ie one visit over Christmas and another in the run up early December. Seems a good solution so that everyone is happy. But you don’t seem keen.

I will quietly think it’s unfair rather than continuing to complain to him

Which bit do you think is unfair? From what you have said, it seems perfectly fair, so I’m genuinely asking.

You want to make two trips, he wants to make none, so the compromise is that you do one trip. That way you both get half of what you want and half of what you don’t want. How is it unfair?