AIBU re. Christmas and family visits?

[minervas1]

Just trying to sense check if I'm being U or if DH is...

Last Christmas we spent just us two (no kids yet!) and it was lovely, we had a perfect time. It had always been the plan to spend it like that after years of traipsing around between two families (usually 24th-26th with one, and then 27th-30th with another), but obviously Covid rules meant we couldn't visit anyone in the run up to Christmas or around NY as had been the plan.

This year I had presumed we would spend Xmas Eve, Day and Boxing Day alone but visit families before and after. I expressed this to DH, asking whether he wanted to see his Mum+Dad before or after Xmas, and he said he didn't want to do any of that. He said he didn't want to drive around on his annual leave and be guests in other people's houses, and just wanted to relax like last year. We both got a bit irritated with each other, and he eventually said he would do one trip if necessary to my Mum and Dad, but he was only going to do one. I think this is really cruel to his family who we're really close to, and I don't want to miss seeing mine in the festive season either.

Now, here's where I may be being Unreasonable... I don't drive. I can't drive, never had any interest in learning (not medical or trauma related or anything, just have never had to). Our families live quite far from us, so visiting does involve 4 hours of driving, although not difficult driving and mostly on motorway. DH says he finds that exhausting and it makes him tired for Christmas when he is "on holiday", and that travel days eat into festive time. He is happy to see family earlier in December and then just hunker down for the christmas period itself.

I don't know if he's just being a lazy dick here or not, tbh? Is it unreasonable to expect him to do the driving so we can make family happy and have some nice visits, especially as I already feel we're being a bit selfish by having Christmas just us two? Or is he fair enough? Is there a compromise here?

@julieca

OP I would ignore this MN thread. So many people calling you names who haven't even read the thread and are talking out their arse. Put yourself first from now on. He is controlling.

How the fuck is he controlling?

He’s willing to drive OP to her parents early December. He’s happy to have OP’s family visit but wants his own space over Christmas. He’s not cutting her off from anyone. He usually takes her wherever she wants and drives each time. He’s saying he’ll visit her family over his family in December. OP contributed to the cost of him learning to drive and the maintenance of the car because it benefits her. Until now, when he’s said he wants a break over Christmas, which includes not travelling and just having his own space for the Christmas break.

I say this as someone who was with DH for five years before I learnt to drive five years ago (he’s always driven) … you cannot compare four hour driving trips to doing the laundry!
I can understand you’re disappointed, especially if you enjoy seeing family and friends during the festive period but you really can’t call him a lazy dick. If you are so eager to see them, get the train yourself.
I’d be more disappointed at him not wanting family over but again I can see where he’s coming from…we regularly entertain over Christmas and it can be very draining!

@Morgan12

I do think he is being rather selfish actually.

He won't drive (fair enough).
He won't compromise and get a train.
He won't allow any visitors.

Seems like he's doing what he wants and you've to like it or lump it.

I'd leave him all alone and go spend Christmas with my family.

^^ this absolutely.

*I do think he is being rather selfish actually.

He won't drive (fair enough).
He won't compromise and get a train.
He won't allow any visitors.*

Or OP is being selfish and expecting him to like it or lump it

She expects him to drive whenever she wants
He offered to visit one set of family at Xmas and the other earlier in Dec but OP won't compromise
He appears to have not vetoed family visiting over Xmas despite that not being his preference but OP won't spend time (less time than he would have to drive) getting the house ready for visitors.
He would be happy for OP to visit her family separately by train if she wanted but OP won't compromise.

He doesn’t drive for himself, he drives for our household, in the same way when I put on washing I do it for both of us

What a bizarre thing to say

Putting washing on takes two seconds - it's not like you're taking it down to a river and banging it on a rock! It's hardly a comparison to driving which requires your 100% concentration the entire time in order to be safe. I mean, when you do the laundry, you don't sit and stare at the machine for 4 hours while it washes and dries your clothes

If you want to go and see your family over the Christmas break, why can't you just...go alone? I don't see why DH needs to either chauffeur you there or accompany you on the train. Just go on your own.

Your update just makes it clear that it's now your turn to learn to drive and he should be helping fund the effort, like you did for him.

@minervas1

I think what is so frustrating is he doesn’t control when my family visit at any other time - we actually just had my Mum down to stay with us for a mini-holiday, and his siblings often visit. He’s just got it into his head that it would be really hard work to have anyone over the Christmas holiday, whereas I would have multiple visits from both sides of our family happily.

I think possibly he is feeling incredibly drained after this year, which I do understand, it’s just annoying for me. Maybe I need to think more about the reasons he is saying this to me rather than just that it’s upsetting.

So you actually see family quite often, and he's normally totally fine about them visiting, and he's even compromised on driving you to your family at Xmas. This is not an example of someone being controlling.

It's just that he wants a quiet Xmas because "he is feeling incredibly drained after this year", whereas you want him to be your taxi driver and tidy the house in preparation for the guests that YOU want to invite (not him).

This isn't a man being lazy and controlling. He's just expressing his wishes about how he wants to spend his free time.

YOU want to spend your Xmas being taxied around to people's houses and having multiple visits from guests. He has compromised to a degree, but he isn't on this earth to facilitate what you want and he has a right to say no.

OP do you work? He may be really looking forward to relaxing after a stressful few months. Possibly you do - in which case you should understand?

You need to learn to drive. On this occasion just get the train up & you don't need to worry about visiting his family. If he is happy to see them at another time then that's up to him.

If your Mum has just visited he obviously isn't saying no outright to visitors - more expressing a preference for chilling over Christmas with no travelling about?

[quote ImUninsultable]@AryaStarkWolf

She wants guests over christmas but she doesnt want to do the work of organising the house for it.

Sounds like she wants him to do hosting work if they visit or for him to do 16 hours of driving over the holiday so she can go on visits that he doesnt want to do.

It sounds a little like he has reached the end if his tether and is exhausted and just wants a break.

OP should absolutely be allowed to invite her family over. As long as he keeps the place as clean as he would usually do then that's fine. But she sounds like she wants more than that.[/quote]
In fairness, hosting guests at Christmas can be hard work and OP is also trying to consider her DH's family in all this. He has said they can visit hers but not his, she knows that will cause upset.

Tbh in OP's shoes, I'd also be conscious that it looks like it was me who put the restrictions on this year, since my family would still be getting a visit.

I don't think he's unfair not to want to drive since it all falls on him, but I do think he's unfair to say people can't come to their home at Christmas, knowing that it means OP either can't see her family or would need leave him sat at home alone over Christmas.

[quote julieca]@Thatsnotall no the couple where the man gets prioritised for any money on learning to increase his skills, but then controls both when he uses them, and his partners family coming to stay.
It is very common if money is limited for it to be spent on the mans skills rather than the woman.[/quote]
Except the OP says she "never had any interest in learning".

There is nothing at all to suggest that she is being prevented from learning, either by her DH or by her financial position.

I don't drive , but I don't expect others to chauffeur me either . Look at public transport

I don't drive. I can't drive, never had any interest in learning (not medical or trauma related or anything, just have never had to).

OP doesn't want to learn to drive. That's a somewhat different kettle of fish to not being allowed to. There's no indication that she couldn't learn if she wished to. Which doesn't really indicate 'controlling' behaviour.

Yabu. He wants a quiet Christmas with you, and as you've said, every other Christmas except last year when nobody had a choice, it's been endless visiting and driving.

I don't blame him at all tbh.

[quote julieca]@Thatsnotall no the couple where the man gets prioritised for any money on learning to increase his skills, but then controls both when he uses them, and his partners family coming to stay.
It is very common if money is limited for it to be spent on the mans skills rather than the woman.[/quote]
Isn't it his family they won't be seeing?

@minervas1
he may physically do the driving but I’m just as entitled to want to use the car, within reason

This quote shows you don’t get it. Yes you can use the car, if YOU can drive it, you can’t say to him I want to use the car today you drive it where I want to go

It’s not the same as putting the washing on

I repeat my suggestion before, learn to drive, then you will be entitled to use the car to get you somewhere

[quote julieca]@Thatsnotall no the couple where the man gets prioritised for any money on learning to increase his skills, but then controls both when he uses them, and his partners family coming to stay.
It is very common if money is limited for it to be spent on the mans skills rather than the woman.[/quote]
Are you on the right thread? On this thread the OP has no interest in learning to drive. She’s said it several times. I imagine her DH would be bloody delighted if she decided to.

Regardless of Christmas issues, you should learn to drive. My Aunty never did, as she was too nervous. She passed her test in the end, but she still never drives, ever - she’s just left it too long to develop the road skills, I think. If my uncle ever stops being able to drive - and they’re both retired so it’s not outside the realms of possibility that a health issue could arise at some point - they’ll be buggered. Getting around their county without a car is a complete pain.

Both of you should really be capable of driving, if at all possible.

@minervas1

I think what is so frustrating is he doesn’t control when my family visit at any other time - we actually just had my Mum down to stay with us for a mini-holiday, and his siblings often visit. He’s just got it into his head that it would be really hard work to have anyone over the Christmas holiday, whereas I would have multiple visits from both sides of our family happily.

I think possibly he is feeling incredibly drained after this year, which I do understand, it’s just annoying for me. Maybe I need to think more about the reasons he is saying this to me rather than just that it’s upsetting.

This seems to somewhat contradict your OP:

This year I had presumed we would spend Xmas Eve, Day and Boxing Day alone but visit families before and after. I expressed this to DH, asking whether he wanted to see his Mum+Dad before or after Xmas

How generous of you to give him the option. Just so happens, he doesn't want to do either 🤷🏻‍♀️ Seems to me you're just annoyed about not having things all your own way.

If you want to see your family, get the train. Regardless of what you pay towards the car, non-drivers just do not understand the drain of driving for long periods, particularly on the motorway.

@minervas1

I think what is so frustrating is he doesn’t control when my family visit at any other time - we actually just had my Mum down to stay with us for a mini-holiday, and his siblings often visit. He’s just got it into his head that it would be really hard work to have anyone over the Christmas holiday, whereas I would have multiple visits from both sides of our family happily.

I think possibly he is feeling incredibly drained after this year, which I do understand, it’s just annoying for me. Maybe I need to think more about the reasons he is saying this to me rather than just that it’s upsetting.

He's prepared to do one visit so why don't you get public transport to visit your family and then see his family with him or send him by himself if you fancy a quite day.

seriously. learn to drive before you have kids. you will need to.

then you can help make these decisions next christmas....

@minervas1

I think what is so frustrating is he doesn’t control when my family visit at any other time - we actually just had my Mum down to stay with us for a mini-holiday, and his siblings often visit. He’s just got it into his head that it would be really hard work to have anyone over the Christmas holiday, whereas I would have multiple visits from both sides of our family happily.

I think possibly he is feeling incredibly drained after this year, which I do understand, it’s just annoying for me. Maybe I need to think more about the reasons he is saying this to me rather than just that it’s upsetting.

Yes. I think you're failing to realise that he isn't saying "I don't like seeing family, screw you".

It seems to me it's more a matter of "God, last year, spending time just with you, was brilliant and I want to do that again. I get you want to see your family at Christmas, so I'll do the trip there for you because obviously your relationship with your family is important to you. But I want a sort of mini-staycation. I'll sort my family relationships out my own way."

Perhaps alternate and spend this year with your family and next year with his. I'd hate spending my whole Christmas break visiting both families, I need some time to hunker down in my own space.

Love how you are making excuses about driving!!
You can't be bothered to drive, you can't be bothered to prepare house, but you can be bothered to moan about lazy partner!
Pot kettle....... what a princess xx

Jesus, let the poor man have a break over Christmas. Get the train to visit your family by yourself. Get the train to visit his family by yourself. You're both entitled to spend Christmas how you want, if that's opposing then do the things alone.

I am surprised so many people think driving is such a hardship, especially when it’s to do a nice thing like see family over holidays.
I do nearly all the driving in our household and I don’t mind it, I look forward to the drive up to see family for Christmas, get the radio on, snacks in the car and a KFC pit stop!
I don’t think you’re being unfair OP, but I guess if your DH really doesn’t like driving then fair enough. But it’s still nice to see family at Christmas, in my opinion, so maybe the train with a tin of gin is a compromise. Good luck!