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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU re. Christmas and family visits?

460 replies

minervas1 · 28/10/2021 12:22

Just trying to sense check if I'm being U or if DH is...

Last Christmas we spent just us two (no kids yet!) and it was lovely, we had a perfect time. It had always been the plan to spend it like that after years of traipsing around between two families (usually 24th-26th with one, and then 27th-30th with another), but obviously Covid rules meant we couldn't visit anyone in the run up to Christmas or around NY as had been the plan.

This year I had presumed we would spend Xmas Eve, Day and Boxing Day alone but visit families before and after. I expressed this to DH, asking whether he wanted to see his Mum+Dad before or after Xmas, and he said he didn't want to do any of that. He said he didn't want to drive around on his annual leave and be guests in other people's houses, and just wanted to relax like last year. We both got a bit irritated with each other, and he eventually said he would do one trip if necessary to my Mum and Dad, but he was only going to do one. I think this is really cruel to his family who we're really close to, and I don't want to miss seeing mine in the festive season either.

Now, here's where I may be being Unreasonable... I don't drive. I can't drive, never had any interest in learning (not medical or trauma related or anything, just have never had to). Our families live quite far from us, so visiting does involve 4 hours of driving, although not difficult driving and mostly on motorway. DH says he finds that exhausting and it makes him tired for Christmas when he is "on holiday", and that travel days eat into festive time. He is happy to see family earlier in December and then just hunker down for the christmas period itself.

I don't know if he's just being a lazy dick here or not, tbh? Is it unreasonable to expect him to do the driving so we can make family happy and have some nice visits, especially as I already feel we're being a bit selfish by having Christmas just us two? Or is he fair enough? Is there a compromise here?

OP posts:

userxx · 28/10/2021 13:48

Learn to drive then see is you still think he's a lazy dick.

AryaStarkWolf · 28/10/2021 13:48

YABU and cheeky with your attitude to him driving

Essen · 28/10/2021 13:49

@julieca I actually said many rather than most. I have seen a particularly nasty accident involving a young couple and a baby. I was there before any police and ambulance and it was very distressing. I have also been hit by a car as a pedestrian and seen several (three) accidents where police have put tents over dead bodies on the road. I would say I was realistic rather than anxious.

julieca · 28/10/2021 13:49

@Whatiswrongwithmyknee I am not looking down on anyone. But if an OP posted saying her DP finds it exhausting to hoover the whole house - that might be true, but it is really not a reason to say he shouldn't then hoover.

Greenrubber · 28/10/2021 13:50

I wish I could hunker down over Christmas!!

julieca · 28/10/2021 13:50

@Essen I am sorry to hear that. You have witnessed/been victim to far more distressing road traffic accidents than is normal. I understand your feelings now.

Method · 28/10/2021 13:51

I don't think you're unreasonable to want to see family for Christmas OP. Has he ever mentioned you not driving being a problem as he finds it exhausting? I tend to do a large chunk of the driving at Christmas and frankly it's not that bad and it's 6 hours each way. If I were you I'd learn to drive, I couldn't bear not having that independence but I totally think that it's a little lazy to refuse to see family or host family for Christmas.

VivienScott · 28/10/2021 13:51

Having had a non-driving partner whose family lived miles away, I can’t tell you how unreasonable you sound. Learn to drive.

Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 28/10/2021 13:52

[quote julieca]@Whatiswrongwithmyknee I am not looking down on anyone. But if an OP posted saying her DP finds it exhausting to hoover the whole house - that might be true, but it is really not a reason to say he shouldn't then hoover.[/quote]
Hoovering is essential. Driving to see family at the busiest time of the year during much needed AL is not.

People are not snowflakes for finding it much more tiring than you to drive long distances.

DaisyNGO · 28/10/2021 13:54

4 hours driving!!! I'd be exhausted.

Re train, you do you. He can manage his own family relations.

Trains are often changed at xmas, it's much easier to visit at other times.

Bookworm20 · 28/10/2021 13:55

I don't drive. I can't drive, never had any interest in learning

Why not? So other people can drive you around everywhere and then you moan about them being lazy? Bloody hell. That is the most entitled thing I've read today.

Sorry but YABVU. I'm with your DH on this. How about you get yourself bothered to learn to drive and then you can do that easy 4 hour drive in winter and then he can't moan about visiting family can he?

And as for getting the house ready for guests 'on your own'? Do you live in a mansion or something? Its really not that hard!

Do you always expect other people to do everything for you?

LookItsMeAgain · 28/10/2021 13:55

My advice is to not visit family and extend an invite to them for them to visit you. They don't have to stay with you, if there is an AirBnB nearby for example and your DH is precious about sharing or welcoming family into your (as in yours and his) home.

The compromise here is that it's time for you to learn to drive. Whether you want to or think you don't need to learn, it's a life skill and will help in the future. Then at Christmas you can share the driving to and from relatives and he may be more amenable to doing the visiting.

CheddarGorgeous · 28/10/2021 13:56

Neither of you are unreasonable. You want to spend Christmas with family. He wants to spend it alone. He's at least compromising and saying he'll do one trip.

Are you incompatible in other ways?

Also, learn to drive. It's much fairer on your husband.

Original poster

minervas1 · 28/10/2021 13:56

So I take on board a lot of what everyone is saying and obviously everyone thinks I’m in the wrong so fine, I will quietly think it’s unfair rather than continuing to complain to him, but I would like to point out two things.

My DH couldn’t drive when we met. When we first left university neither of us could afford it, and then a few years after that he really wanted to learn so we could stop taking the train and we knew it would massively enhance our quality of life. We both paid for him to learn, the car was given to us by my Mum (her old car), we both pay for the upkeep and costs associated. He doesn’t drive for himself, he drives for our household, in the same way when I put on washing I do it for both of us. I think it’s super weird that everyone thinks I’m getting “lifts” everywhere - he may physically do the driving but I’m just as entitled to want to use the car, within reason. He’s not my Dad giving me a lift to the cinema to meet up with my mates for gods sake.

I’m surprised so many people think it’s ok to tell your spouse they can’t have guests at Christmas. I wonder how many of you would like it if your husband said that?

OP posts:

Flipflopblowout · 28/10/2021 13:58

2 hours there and 2 hours back is a breeze, don't understand the problem other than he doesn't want to go. The solutions for next year have already been highlighted.

ImUninsultable · 28/10/2021 13:58

Learn to drive. That is a lot of driving and it is tiring. Help him out.

julieca · 28/10/2021 13:59

@ImUninsultable MN is crawling with MRAs. So I am not surprised.

ancientgran · 28/10/2021 14:00

@1FootInTheRave

I can't believe you have the audacity to call him a lazy dick.

You're the lazy one who never learned to drive.

Stop leeching lifts and sort yourself out.

I was going to say the same. The bloody cheek of her.

Outnumbered99 · 28/10/2021 14:00

With your drip feeds im more on the fence. is there a rift with his family that you don't know about? Is there something wrong with his health mental or physical, that he doesn't want them to see? Something doesn't sound right here and its about more than driving.

Ditto other posters- get driving lessons for Christmas! (I say that as the only driver in my household too).

julieca · 28/10/2021 14:00

@ancientgran except she isnt leaching lifts as you so delightfully put it.

Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 28/10/2021 14:01

I think it’s super weird that everyone thinks I’m getting “lifts” everywhere - he may physically do the driving but I’m just as entitled to want to use the car, within reason.

Yes but I think people are saying this is not within reason.

I’m surprised so many people think it’s ok to tell your spouse they can’t have guests at Christmas. I wonder how many of you would like it if your husband said that?

I wouldn't at all. I may have misread it though, but it sounded like your OH was expressing his preference rather than thinking he had a right to put his foot down and veto this possibility?

Thatsnotall · 28/10/2021 14:01

@episcomama

And it's a four-hour round trip? I thought you meant 4 hours each way? So two hours each way is enough to induce an attack if the vapours in your DH? Fuck me, unless he has ME or CFS I'd wonder what was wrong with him.

Give over. Everyone is different. Driving IS tiring in different ways for different people (hence the ‘take breaks’ campaigns) - just because it doesn’t ‘give you the vapours’

(which, incidentally, OP hasn’t stated it does her DH either, but it’s an interesting non-sequitur) doesn’t mean it isn’t the case for others.

ancientgran · 28/10/2021 14:01

@minervas1

My DH couldn’t drive when we met. When we first left university neither of us could afford it, and then a few years after that he really wanted to learn so we could stop taking the train and we knew it would massively enhance our quality of life. We both paid for him to learn, the car was given to us by my Mum (her old car), we both pay for the upkeep and costs associated. He doesn’t drive for himself, he drives for our household, in the same way when I put on washing I do it for both of us. I think it’s super weird that everyone thinks I’m getting “lifts” everywhere - he may physically do the driving but I’m just as entitled to want to use the car, within reason. He’s not my Dad giving me a lift to the cinema to meet up with my mates for gods sake.

I’m surprised so many people think it’s ok to tell your spouse they can’t have guests at Christmas. I wonder how many of you would like it if your husband said that?

So you're not getting a lift? Is he your chauffeur or something. You can't just demand that people do things. Driving isn't relaxing, maybe have some lessons and find out.

userxx · 28/10/2021 14:03

He doesn’t drive for himself, he drives for our household

So chauffeuring is one of his "jobs" ?

Still think you should learn to drive. I'd hate to rely on someone to drive me places.

Nocutenamesleft · 28/10/2021 14:03

Ooh. Motorway driving. In winter

4 hrs. Is completely exhausting!

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