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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re. Christmas and family visits?

460 replies

minervas1 · 28/10/2021 12:22

Just trying to sense check if I'm being U or if DH is...

Last Christmas we spent just us two (no kids yet!) and it was lovely, we had a perfect time. It had always been the plan to spend it like that after years of traipsing around between two families (usually 24th-26th with one, and then 27th-30th with another), but obviously Covid rules meant we couldn't visit anyone in the run up to Christmas or around NY as had been the plan.

This year I had presumed we would spend Xmas Eve, Day and Boxing Day alone but visit families before and after. I expressed this to DH, asking whether he wanted to see his Mum+Dad before or after Xmas, and he said he didn't want to do any of that. He said he didn't want to drive around on his annual leave and be guests in other people's houses, and just wanted to relax like last year. We both got a bit irritated with each other, and he eventually said he would do one trip if necessary to my Mum and Dad, but he was only going to do one. I think this is really cruel to his family who we're really close to, and I don't want to miss seeing mine in the festive season either.

Now, here's where I may be being Unreasonable... I don't drive. I can't drive, never had any interest in learning (not medical or trauma related or anything, just have never had to). Our families live quite far from us, so visiting does involve 4 hours of driving, although not difficult driving and mostly on motorway. DH says he finds that exhausting and it makes him tired for Christmas when he is "on holiday", and that travel days eat into festive time. He is happy to see family earlier in December and then just hunker down for the christmas period itself.

I don't know if he's just being a lazy dick here or not, tbh? Is it unreasonable to expect him to do the driving so we can make family happy and have some nice visits, especially as I already feel we're being a bit selfish by having Christmas just us two? Or is he fair enough? Is there a compromise here?

OP posts:
Waspie · 28/10/2021 17:03

I don't see the problem. Your husband has said that he'll drive you to your parents for a Christmas visit. The fact that he won't then drive to his own parents is something he can discuss with them.

I imagine his parents will be quite hurt but will understand completely when he says that he isn't driving to them because it's tiring and they can't come to you because his home is his "sanctuary". #sarcasm

I do however think that if you don't drive and are dependant on someone else for your transport that you have to just take what's offered. If you don't like it it's up to you to either learn to drive or to take public transport.

Oh4Tunas · 28/10/2021 17:04

I don't think you're the only one in the wrong here, OP. It's Christmas. Most families try to see everyone, if possible. I'd definitely insist on seeing your family just before or after Christmas, and you can go see his family earlier in the month, if that's all he'll agree to. I'd probably be sure they knew it wasn't down to me that we weren't seeing them closer to the date, though! Let him explain to them why it has to be this way.

I don't like driving that much, myself, and I appreciate time to relax, keeping home a sanctuary, etc., but he seems very inflexible to possible compromises. No trains? No hosting family at your own house? He shouldn't get his way all the time. That's not much of a partnership!

ILoveYou3000 · 28/10/2021 17:05

@julieca

OP I would ignore this MN thread. So many people calling you names who haven't even read the thread and are talking out their arse. Put yourself first from now on. He is controlling.
How is he controlling?

Quite ironic you accusing others of not reading the thread, when you clearly haven't read it properly yourself.

OP's husband has agreed a compromise. One visit over Christmas, the other earlier in the month. She says he's exhausted and had a bad year but has still had both sides of the family to visit, he simply wants some downtime over Christmas. How is that controlling?

goingtotown · 28/10/2021 17:05

4 Hours driving on a motorway is a lot of miles. You’ve never driven so you wouldn’t recognise that.
.

BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou · 28/10/2021 17:06

[quote MalagaNights]@buggeroff I would rather be married to someone who didn't drive than someone who wouldn't have guests stay in our home,or stay with others.
I'd find that much more restrictive and limiting.

In fact, I couldn't live like that.[/quote]
We have guests frequently. Just not ones that need to stay overnight. It makes DH very uncomfortable and I couldn’t live with making him uncomfortable. He has coping strategies when we have visitors but overnight stays are different.

AryaStarkWolf · 28/10/2021 17:07

He's said he'd do one, if it's his family the OP could decide not to go. She's said it's cruel to his family is he doesn't see them and she really wants to see hers so as I said either she goes to see her family and then goes with him to see his or he goes if he agrees it's cruel and he wants to see them and she isn't bothered. Because he might actually want to see his family but can't face doing both.

According to the OP he didn't want to do either but said he would do one to compromise so i doubt he's going to choose to do the drive if the OP isn't even going

AryaStarkWolf · 28/10/2021 17:11

As the only driver in my family, I understand your dh on this completely. I have to drive our family 8 hours 1 way, 8 hours back and then the next day 2 hours each one way for the other side of the family. It makes my holidays exhausting as I have to do all the cooking as well at each house.

Why are you doing all that? Stop!

AryaStarkWolf · 28/10/2021 17:15

@sHREDDIES19

Driving your partner to see loved ones shouldn’t feel like a chore, it’s part and parcel of being a unit and helping one another. I do believe everyone who can should learn to drive and would agree that it’s in your interest to learn. I also think driving isn’t really that taxing and as a one off your partner shouldn’t really be moaning. I’d happily do this for my dh, why wouldn’t I?!
Just because you personally don't find driving long distances taxing doesn't mean everyone else feels the same way though. I would be really tired doing a drive like that
Latecomer131 · 28/10/2021 17:23

OP, you have no idea. I have spent the past year learning to drive, largely with DH teaching me, and anything beyond 2 hours is insanely knackering.

I am not surprised he doesn't want to spend his annual leave making these trips. If you won't learn, and therefore give the option of sharing the load of such journeys 50/50, then you don't have any place criticising his decision to opt out of being a long haul taxi service.

Waterfallgirl · 28/10/2021 17:31

There has got to be a compromise here. He doesn’t want to visit them plus he doesn’t want them to visit you. Who made him the boss of you and your house ? Why doesn’t he want to compromise, is he always like this?
Like most things on here a good conversation might be useful!

StormyTeacups · 28/10/2021 17:36

2 hour drive each way? Barely registers on the 'long drive' register tbh. Bit feeble.

Fanackapansy · 28/10/2021 17:37

For me personally, a two hour drive one day, and then a two hour drive another day to come home is really not a big deal. Does he have a very exhausting job?

Also, travelling earlier in December isn’t that bad either. We don’t live in a Chris Rea song. And it’s only two hours...Confused It’s not like we live in the mountains or Canada with guaranteed snow and ice, it’ll probably be light until 5pm… 🤷🏼‍♀️

Still, as the line driver he gets to make the call. I’d really consider learning to drive if I was you, then at least you get to use the car you pay for.

Platax · 28/10/2021 17:37

@StormyTeacups

2 hour drive each way? Barely registers on the 'long drive' register tbh. Bit feeble.
Even potentially on icy roads and in the dark?
SilveredPinkPetal · 28/10/2021 17:39

I’m with your husband ( not literally)

After 20 years of family, I prefer Christmas at home, without them.

😂

ILoveYou3000 · 28/10/2021 17:39

[quote julieca]@ancientgran just twist my words to suit your own agenda then.[/quote]
🤣🤣🤣

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 28/10/2021 17:40

My ex husband couldn't drive for years, so I ended up driving him to work and back everyday - 1 hour each way then driving myself to work in the NHS, half an hour the other way and on all our holidays to Europe, Scotland, Cornwall. I was pissed off with it. I said to him learn to drive or just fuck off.
It was only when he finally passed his test he realised how exhausting it is driving all that way.

Feedingthebirds1 · 28/10/2021 17:40

@Waterfallgirl

There has got to be a compromise here. He doesn’t want to visit them plus he doesn’t want them to visit you. Who made him the boss of you and your house ? Why doesn’t he want to compromise, is he always like this? Like most things on here a good conversation might be useful!
But he is compromising. He's willing to do the drive to her parents and to stay there for a few days, even though he would rather not. He just doesn't want to do two visits, so he's prepared to miss out on seeing his family so that OP can see hers.

It's the OP who's insisting that they have to go and spend time with both her family and his and anything less makes him a selfish dick. So who made her the boss of DH?

onelittlefrog · 28/10/2021 17:43

Can't you just get a train?

Fanackapansy · 28/10/2021 17:46

Also, average uk temps in December are 7 degrees. Not likely to be icy. The uk doesn’t get properly cold until January and even February.

ILoveYou3000 · 28/10/2021 17:46

@Waterfallgirl

There has got to be a compromise here. He doesn’t want to visit them plus he doesn’t want them to visit you. Who made him the boss of you and your house ? Why doesn’t he want to compromise, is he always like this? Like most things on here a good conversation might be useful!
He has compromised. He's said they can visit his family earlier in the month and he'll take OP to visit her family when she wants to go. He's also happy for family visits any other time.

It's not just the driving that's exhausting is it? Visiting or hosting is a different form of tiring. You have to be 'on' constantly. And it sounds like OP's DH has had a tough year so wants some time to decompress and relax with his wife.

Vivi0 · 28/10/2021 17:48

I think it’s super weird that everyone thinks I’m getting “lifts” everywhere - he may physically do the driving but I’m just as entitled to want to use the car, within reason.

So, essentially, you feel entitled to a lift!

Tee20x · 28/10/2021 17:50

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

My ex husband couldn't drive for years, so I ended up driving him to work and back everyday - 1 hour each way then driving myself to work in the NHS, half an hour the other way and on all our holidays to Europe, Scotland, Cornwall. I was pissed off with it. I said to him learn to drive or just fuck off. It was only when he finally passed his test he realised how exhausting it is driving all that way.
No way!!!! What was his reason not for driving - couldn't be just here public transport ?!
KT727 · 28/10/2021 17:54

You're definitely not an awful person or lazy for not learning to drive.

I think you both have valid points.

You want to make sure both families feel that you care about them and are willing to share special time with them. He is exhausted and doesn't feel up to driving.

First of all, he needs to make sure his family know that HE is the reason you won't be visiting them, not you, because they may assume it's you.

Then you can look into alternative arrangements- can one of your family members collect you or can you catch the train to their house/s? Could you visit them on 28th together, by car, or would he not even compromise to do that?

Goawaymorningsickeness · 28/10/2021 17:54

@minervas1

Sorry - he won't have families visit us during those two weeks either as he wants home to be his sanctuary. This is why I'm particularly annoyed with him as he wants everything his way.

He also won't get the train, so I could visit my own family alone but we still wouldn't see his.

So go and visit your family alone. It’s not up to you to Police him seeing his family. You are being totally selfish and unreasonable to expect him to ferry you around visiting people. Go and get some driving lessons. There’s no excuse for any grown up being too lazy to learn to drive. It sounds to me that you want everything your way.
KT727 · 28/10/2021 17:55

PS. If we're picking teams, I'm on your side.