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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re. Christmas and family visits?

460 replies

minervas1 · 28/10/2021 12:22

Just trying to sense check if I'm being U or if DH is...

Last Christmas we spent just us two (no kids yet!) and it was lovely, we had a perfect time. It had always been the plan to spend it like that after years of traipsing around between two families (usually 24th-26th with one, and then 27th-30th with another), but obviously Covid rules meant we couldn't visit anyone in the run up to Christmas or around NY as had been the plan.

This year I had presumed we would spend Xmas Eve, Day and Boxing Day alone but visit families before and after. I expressed this to DH, asking whether he wanted to see his Mum+Dad before or after Xmas, and he said he didn't want to do any of that. He said he didn't want to drive around on his annual leave and be guests in other people's houses, and just wanted to relax like last year. We both got a bit irritated with each other, and he eventually said he would do one trip if necessary to my Mum and Dad, but he was only going to do one. I think this is really cruel to his family who we're really close to, and I don't want to miss seeing mine in the festive season either.

Now, here's where I may be being Unreasonable... I don't drive. I can't drive, never had any interest in learning (not medical or trauma related or anything, just have never had to). Our families live quite far from us, so visiting does involve 4 hours of driving, although not difficult driving and mostly on motorway. DH says he finds that exhausting and it makes him tired for Christmas when he is "on holiday", and that travel days eat into festive time. He is happy to see family earlier in December and then just hunker down for the christmas period itself.

I don't know if he's just being a lazy dick here or not, tbh? Is it unreasonable to expect him to do the driving so we can make family happy and have some nice visits, especially as I already feel we're being a bit selfish by having Christmas just us two? Or is he fair enough? Is there a compromise here?

OP posts:
ILoveYou3000 · 28/10/2021 17:57

Could you visit them on 28th together, by car, or would he not even compromise to do that?

He already has compromised and agreed to take the OP to visit her family.

KT727 · 28/10/2021 17:57

@sHREDDIES19

Driving your partner to see loved ones shouldn’t feel like a chore, it’s part and parcel of being a unit and helping one another. I do believe everyone who can should learn to drive and would agree that it’s in your interest to learn. I also think driving isn’t really that taxing and as a one off your partner shouldn’t really be moaning. I’d happily do this for my dh, why wouldn’t I?!
Yes I agree with this. It's quite normal for someone to drive their partner/spouse/family around over Christmas.
Notonthestairs · 28/10/2021 17:59

It's also quite normal to share the driving. I don't expect my husband to be my personal driver.

Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 28/10/2021 17:59

Why do people keep saying that driving for 4 hours is no big deal for them? How on earth is that relevant to what is taxing/ a big deal to someone else? How bizarre.

Tee20x · 28/10/2021 18:04

Also to add to my earlier post - sometimes you may just want some downtime and not have to deal with the hassle of Christmas, whether that be being a guest or having to host.

My family, my grandmother in particular always gets uppity when family members make their own plans with their own separate family units for Christmas.

But it's like who invented the tradition of who's seeing who & when do people get to alter it! Everyone is different tbh & I know this year I'll be spending Xmas with my own family unit as that's what suits me and what I would like to do.

mbosnz · 28/10/2021 18:06

It's equally quite normal for a partner to say, 'I'm bloody knackered, I really don't feel up to doing all the driving, doing the family thing, really just want to chill at home this year', and to say, 'that's okay hon', because that's part and parcel of being a unit and helping each other.

He's offered to take her to her parents, they've visited relatively recently, she could take the train, while he's not keen on having them over for Christmas, equally she's not keen on doing all the prep etc, and he's not keen on doing the prep etc either.

senorafridgidaire · 28/10/2021 19:16

Taking the driving element out of it because it's been done to death, imagine this scenario:

DH: I want family to come and stay over Christmas

DW: Really, do we have to, can't we give it a miss this year? It's been a bad year, I'm totally exhausted due to XYZ and I'm really looking forward to a couple of weeks down time with no responsibilities and no visitors, just want to hang out with you. I really can't face it

DH: Well I want them to come. And you'll need to help me get the house ready for them I'm not doing it by myself

We'd all be giving the advice "its your home too / you deserve downtime / if your DH wants visitors he can bloody well get the house ready for them and do all the cooking and hosting yada yada'

OP sounds like a petulant child. And I know I said I wouldn't mention the driving but at "I'm entitled to use the car / he's the household driver" my eyes rolled so far back in my head I could see my arse.

crazeelala2u · 28/10/2021 19:21

[quote billy1966]@crazeelala2u ....you sound like a house skivvy, is there a reason why you accept this?

All the driving and all the cooking🙄

Why would you put up with this?🤷‍♀️[/quote]
@billy1966

My son is military and CANNOT cook to save his life. He lives on processed cheap food. So, when I go visit him I rent a cabin, and I cook and leave him the leftovers. And no one else in the family drives. So, it's what it is for now, until they both have families of their own and I can pass the torch.

LastSummerHere · 28/10/2021 19:30

I can see both your POV OP. It is hard to drive four hour in winter each way (and I don't think your analogy of washing is a bad one, considering he will be driving this journey once whereas you are washing, folding and putting away clothes every damn day!!)

If you really want to see your family, go on your own on the train. And if he wants a nice quiet Christmas, let him organise it for you both. He buys the food and drink and does the decorations. That way, you can both make it a good one.

billy1966 · 28/10/2021 20:28

@crazeelala2u ...well you sound so generous.

He needs to learn to cook but I appreciate that some are resistant.

Mind yourself.Flowers

hotmeatymilk · 28/10/2021 20:34

Just learn to drive. And stop caring whether he sees his family at Christmas or not, that’s his concern, surely? He said he’d be willing to see your parents — there you go, job done.

DroopyClematis · 28/10/2021 20:44

Yes , I can also see your point of view but you really need to learn to drive.
All that driving, twice, around Christmas would depress me.
We have to do a six hour round trip a few times a year, plus another 5 hour round trip a few times a year.
It's utterly exhausting. My husband is the main driver but , even as a passenger, I find the journeys exhausting.

That you don't want to clean the house for visitors is surprising . Why can't you , given that you can't and won't learn to drive?

You say that you don't want to clean the house for visitors, well..
It wouldn't take 8 hours to tidy up for visitors, surely?

Give your husband a break.

And learn to drive, at least then you'll learn how hard it is to do an eight hour round trip.

I used to drive from Birmingham to London every Friday for a long time. I was on my knees every single time , and I was in my 20s!

HikingforScenery · 28/10/2021 20:56

You sound cheeky tbh.
You’ve no “interest” in driving but want to dictate to your husband .

Maybe you should take a fast pass course and search frantically for cancelled tests. With luck, you might be able to drive you both around for Christmas ( unlikely I know)

Yabu

billy1966 · 28/10/2021 22:29

@hotmeatymilk

Just learn to drive. And stop caring whether he sees his family at Christmas or not, that’s his concern, surely? He said he’d be willing to see your parents — there you go, job done.
Good advice.
FictionalCharacter · 28/10/2021 22:51

@Ohwhatfunwehad

Non drivers have no idea how annoying it is for drivers to play taxi.

Get the train, learn to drive and listen to your DH. This will only become more problematic if you have children

This. People who don’t drive just don’t understand the effort involved, because the driver looks like he’s just sitting there, same as the passengers.
CornedBeef451 · 28/10/2021 22:58

Four hours driving at Christmas could be a nightmare.

I don't like driving for more than two hours because it's really tiring no matter how "easy" you think it is and I've been driving for 25 years.

I would only consider four hours for a holiday somewhere I actually wanted to go and only for a week.

Learn to drive and then you can do what you want next year.

This year catch a train or just sick it I land stay home. Unless you have an undisclosed medical condition there is no excuse for not learning to drive.

In this scenario you are definitely the lazy one.

RampantIvy · 28/10/2021 23:24

My son is military and CANNOT cook to save his life. He lives on processed cheap food.

There are loads of excellent cookery books for beginners, YoutTube videos, othet online resources and TV cookery shows. I don't think he wants to cook, rather than he can't cook.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 29/10/2021 07:09

@crazeelala2u

There is no such thing as CANNOT cook.

There is WON'T cook and CAN'T BE ARSED to cook.

Anyway, original post derailed. Sorry.

Oblomov21 · 29/10/2021 07:17

I adore driving. But 4 hours is a long time. And, I don't want to spend my Christmas's traipsing all over the country either. One is fine. Why can't one of them come and meet you half way for lunch, for just the day? Plus yes you do need to learn to drive, for when you have dc.

Christinayangtwistedsister · 29/10/2021 07:30

It sounds as if the guy is completely drained and just wants a quiet 10 days to hibernate and recharge and I totally get that

HappyDays40 · 29/10/2021 08:21

It is very tiring driving everyone else. You can't relax or have a drink. I feel his pain and ourvis only an hour either way. It just feels endless. Have everyone to you or both catch a train?

HappyDays40 · 29/10/2021 08:23

You can a crash course in driving so still time to learn before Christmas!

southlondoner02 · 29/10/2021 08:52

The driving is a bit of a red herring. I don't drive, although I've chosen to live somewhere where I don't need to. If you don't want to learn to drive that's fine. But if you want to go places you need to be able to do so independently, so train or bus.

Go and see your family by train whenever it is you want to. The easy thing about not having kids is you don't have to work out logistics, you can just go. You don't need him to go with you if he doesn't want to. His family is up to him to sort out. We go to see my in-laws in early December for a Christmasy weekend, have roast dinner etc and it doesn't encroach on the Christmas period. Would he be interested in doing something like that?

BashfulClam · 29/10/2021 09:34

Learn to drive ffs. It’s a pain being the only driver in the household. I’ve also had to take dh to A&E twice in the last few years and if I couldn’t drive we’d have a problem. Last time I called an ambulance and they said it would take hours. Taking him in the car was easier.

Asleanna · 29/10/2021 09:42

Honestly the way you spoke about lifts from your partner is shocking. Just because you financially contributed to the car it doesn't mean you can demand a lift whenever you want. Just get some driving lessons. I honestly don't understand why people don't learn to drive when it's clear they need access to a car (and you obviously do need one in this instance otherwise you will be able to get a train!)

YABU. BTW.