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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re. Christmas and family visits?

460 replies

minervas1 · 28/10/2021 12:22

Just trying to sense check if I'm being U or if DH is...

Last Christmas we spent just us two (no kids yet!) and it was lovely, we had a perfect time. It had always been the plan to spend it like that after years of traipsing around between two families (usually 24th-26th with one, and then 27th-30th with another), but obviously Covid rules meant we couldn't visit anyone in the run up to Christmas or around NY as had been the plan.

This year I had presumed we would spend Xmas Eve, Day and Boxing Day alone but visit families before and after. I expressed this to DH, asking whether he wanted to see his Mum+Dad before or after Xmas, and he said he didn't want to do any of that. He said he didn't want to drive around on his annual leave and be guests in other people's houses, and just wanted to relax like last year. We both got a bit irritated with each other, and he eventually said he would do one trip if necessary to my Mum and Dad, but he was only going to do one. I think this is really cruel to his family who we're really close to, and I don't want to miss seeing mine in the festive season either.

Now, here's where I may be being Unreasonable... I don't drive. I can't drive, never had any interest in learning (not medical or trauma related or anything, just have never had to). Our families live quite far from us, so visiting does involve 4 hours of driving, although not difficult driving and mostly on motorway. DH says he finds that exhausting and it makes him tired for Christmas when he is "on holiday", and that travel days eat into festive time. He is happy to see family earlier in December and then just hunker down for the christmas period itself.

I don't know if he's just being a lazy dick here or not, tbh? Is it unreasonable to expect him to do the driving so we can make family happy and have some nice visits, especially as I already feel we're being a bit selfish by having Christmas just us two? Or is he fair enough? Is there a compromise here?

OP posts:
JoSummer · 29/10/2021 19:14

I think most posters are being quite harsh on you. I don’t drive either (not on motorways) so any long journeys have to be done by DH, but I certainly don’t see myself as “getting a lift” from him. Like you said, there are different roles in a relationship and driving seems to be understood between you to be his role. I’m sure you do many things for him that he doesn’t help with.
However, I do think the compromise he’s made is quite a good one - he’s saying he will visit your family but not his own. That would be good enough for me. I also think it sounds lovely that he wants to be alone with you over Christmas.

TractorAndHeadphones · 29/10/2021 19:25

Why are you so bothered as to whether he sees HIS family?

Hont1986 · 29/10/2021 19:39

If four hours of motorway driving doesn't tire you, then you are a dangerous driver.

Eilatan2018 · 29/10/2021 19:46

You’re being a dick. Driving is tiring. Learn to drive or get the train

Tessabelle74 · 29/10/2021 19:54

Me too @RampantIvy no way anyone that ACTUALLY drives would say that

Blueseasky · 29/10/2021 20:20

Why don’t you host his and your families.

Mumontour85 · 29/10/2021 20:20

Wow. As ever reading some of these comments is such a delight 😳 I often wonder how many of you have children that you tell online bullying is bad...

I think your OH is being pretty unreasonable. He doesn't seem to want to compromise and doesn't seem to care about hurting anyone's feelings as long as he gets it his way.

Ok, I guess it is kind of a compromise that your OH will go and visit your fam, maybe arrange a time in January to have a 'second Christmas' with your in-laws? Or try and convince your OH to have them to yours for a couple of days.

Driving distances can be exhausting, so I do totally get where he's coming from, I personally just think Christmas is a time for family and it makes me a bit sad that he's not fussed about seeing anyone and would be happy for you to just leave on a train to go off without him. Think it's a bit weird tbh.

Lostonthefell · 29/10/2021 20:27

Christmas morning 1997 I was heading over the A66 shap fell in an old landrover and trailer heading home for Xmas, a 5 hour run. In deep snow. Through the blizzard I saw 2 people on a tandem cycling the other direction and gave them a toot and wave. They waved back like heroes. Maybe you need to take up cycling to see your family probably be more reliable that the train service…

GettingItOutThere · 29/10/2021 20:30

get driving lessons!

driving 4 hours over christmas isnt driving "for the family", its extra and unnecessary!

I agree with him too, having no guests over christmas its much better and be able to relax

so yes YABU!

BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou · 29/10/2021 21:12

@Hellsbells35

I drive and my husband doesn’t. 4 hours is nothing. He’s being very lazy!! Driving isn’t tiring…you’re sitting down
If driving isn’t tiring then why all the adverts about taking regular breaks? My car even reminds me to take a break if I’m doing a long drive!
AnnieSnap · 29/10/2021 21:20

Contrary to many other posters, I don’t think you ABU, but I don’t think your husband is either. What is required is compromise. Explain it’s important to you to see both families around Christmas and that you have taken on board that he doesn’t want the tiring driving - motorway driving isn’t as easy as you think. It requires a lot of concentration and is mentally tiring. Propose that you either take the train (and see it as part of the festivities - have a couple of drinks on the way, take a flask of hot chocolate or whatever), or you invite the families to your house and share the preparations.

Ellie56 · 29/10/2021 21:48

"...visiting does involve 4 hours of driving, although not difficult driving and mostly on motorway..." Hmm

As a non- driver you have no idea whether it's difficult or not. Driving on the motorway is shite at Christmas and 4 hours driving, especially in the dark with poor lighting and bad weather is exhausting.

As PP said take the train or learn to drive yourself.

browneyes77 · 29/10/2021 21:59

M6 around Birmingham is usually much worse than the M6 around Preston

As someone who lives in Birmingham and has to do a few 200 mile round trips to her head office up north using the M5 and M6, I can testify to this.

The M6 around Birmingham/West Mids is a fucking nightmare and I dread being anywhere near it 😂😂

nanbread · 29/10/2021 22:09

@StormyTeacups

2 hour drive each way? Barely registers on the 'long drive' register tbh. Bit feeble.
Yeah I used to commute this. It's not too bad. Anything above 3.5 starts to feel long though.

Wouldn't want to drive in icy / snowy conditions however and there is that risk in winter.

In OP's case I'd go by myself to visit my family coming back Xmas Eve, and then arrange to see DP's family early December?

thebabessavedme · 29/10/2021 22:37

so, it's christmas, he is on leave, he has to drive you about for several hours at a time, can't then sit and relax and have a drink because he then has to drive for several hours to get you home?, fuck that for a game of soldiers! not my idea of a lovely relaxing christmas break, and then to call him a lazy dick! wow!

Pipsquiggle · 29/10/2021 22:53

OP you need to learn to drive. It's not fair you comparing putting the washing on to your DH giving you lifts.

I live 4 hours away from my parents and the Christmas round trip is just a ball ache. We tend to stay home, people come to us as we are the ones that have children and work full time.

R3ALLY · 29/10/2021 23:01

I’m married to a non driver. I actually like driving but I hate feeling like I’m being used as a taxi, never having a drink when out with the car, always conscious of having to drive next day etc. Do yourself a favour and learn, then you can have this discussion fairly .

ASeriesOfTubes · 30/10/2021 00:42

I think most posters are being quite harsh on you. I don’t drive either (not on motorways) so any long journeys have to be done by DH, but I certainly don’t see myself as “getting a lift” from him.

@JoSummer Your DH's perspective on this might be different. When you're the only one who does a particular task without obvious payback or labour equality, sooner or later you begin to resent it.

TheChiefJo · 30/10/2021 04:05

@thebabessavedme

so, it's christmas, he is on leave, he has to drive you about for several hours at a time, can't then sit and relax and have a drink because he then has to drive for several hours to get you home?, fuck that for a game of soldiers! not my idea of a lovely relaxing christmas break, and then to call him a lazy dick! wow!
My thoughts. Let him enjoy Christmas too.
Justdontdoit · 30/10/2021 04:42

As a driver myself it does get frustrating when people assume because you’re driving it’s easy or easier mainly due to their experiences using public transport. I think non drivers look at the convenience rather than the task itself. The drive will be more tedious if he drives a Manuel.
Regarding him not wanting to do anything at xmas, I totally understand. Throughout the year it’s a constant run of the mill and in that one week I just want to do a whole lot of nothing. (Think can’t remember what day it is type of nothing Grin). Life has become so busy that we always think we need to be doing something, sometimes we just need to be still. It seems as though your dp is that type of person.
However, I do think he should compromise on visitors even if it’s for a day or two. I’m sure he doesn’t always need to entertain family all hours of the day.
Driving isn’t for everyone, but it is liberating being able to drive, it gives you the freedom to not have to rely on others for lifts on all occasions.
Good luck OP, I hope you both find compromise and are able to enjoy your holidays together. The last thing you want is for this to create a bad vibe and you both end up miserable and upset with one another for either’s choice of how they wish to spend their holidays.

Zatapec · 30/10/2021 09:30

Driving is very tiring, let him rest on his days off, and why don't you invite everyone to your house, altogether on one day, then just enjoy being together with each other. 💞

Mygirlruby · 30/10/2021 10:10

The older I get, the more I wonder why it is that people feel compelled to put themselves out just for some days on the calendar in midwinter. Yes, Christmas, but unless you're religious, does it have to be those few days when let's face it, public transport is either busy, delayed or cancelled and the weather can be shit. Spending forced time in other people's homes, after a long drive, inside where it's too hot, being given food you wouldn't choose yourself, putting up with over excited kids, boisterous dogs...stop me now! Why doesn't everyone just pick a date in the spring or summer and have a get together then? One good thing about lockdown was having some peace and quiet. I loved it last year.

ElsieMc · 30/10/2021 11:41

Op, don't know where you live but I live rurally and it is a nightmare at the moment driving due to flooding etc. I am always anxious about losing my car, getting stuck with the kids etc. I am a grandparent carer. I learnt to drive in my twenties because I had to take responsibility for myself and my family. I just hated asking for favours for lifts because I felt a nuisance. In my defence, I had a bad driving experience with an instructor and stopped for a while.

I can see both sides but can tell you op how annoying it is for people to hijack your car so to speak. My female boss used to assume she could take over my car for meetings, off site visits etc. Yet she was the one who took my parking permit from me (it formed part of my role) to save a bit of money for the department. One time we discussed attending a meeting and I asked how she was getting there and she said "with you". I told her she wasnt, there was the question of insurance and I would not be coming in my car as it was too hard to find parking as I no longer had a parking space.

Learn to drive op. It will be liberating for you. You can visit your parents whenever you want then. And others can ask you for an annoying lift at an inconvenient time.

pollymere · 30/10/2021 11:42

YABU. Maybe spend NY with your family but all that driving is horrible and you can't really relax when you're staying in someone else's home. It's also not quality time if everyone is exhausted and grumpy. Organize to see his family in a month or two instead when the weather is better for driving. And do learn to drive if you can as it will really help with long trips.

VickyEadieofThigh · 30/10/2021 11:57
  1. As many have said, being the driver is exhausting and "mostly motorway" driving is certainly not easy, especially in winter and especially over Xmas - you need to be extra vigilant.
  2. I really, really don't like visiting family at Xmas or them visiting me. I've always found it a chore, very tiring and as I've never had children, have fortunately never had the pressure of 'got to go to/have grandparents for Xmas'. Some people really don't like the enforced, overheated, Xmas 'traditions' wherever they occur and if your holidays are limited, that's precious leave filled up with stuff that isn't restful.
  3. In my early 30s, I said this to my parents and in-laws: we will come and visit at other times but we are not coming at Xmas.