Page 13 | AIBU re. Christmas and family visits?

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 28/10/2021 15:59

If he only wants to drive once can’t you visit his family by car say 22-24 Dec then go by train to visit your family by train on say 27-29 Dec

senorafridgidaire · 28/10/2021 16:04

@AryaStarkWolf same here.

I used to do all the travelling (5 hours drive) to see my family ("because it's easier" - errr not for me, especially the time that it started snowing heavily on my way back and I nearly got stranded on the motorway), and funnily enough once I said I'd had enough and I wouldn't do it any more, it's suddenly not that important that we see each other at Christmas. They won't even meet me half way. So I'm heading into my third Christmas of not seeing them!

NoWordForFluffy · 28/10/2021 16:05

@1FootInTheRave

You are totally unreasonable.

Get the train?

This. With sleigh bells on.

AryaStarkWolf · 28/10/2021 16:07

[quote senorafridgidaire]@AryaStarkWolf same here.

I used to do all the travelling (5 hours drive) to see my family ("because it's easier" - errr not for me, especially the time that it started snowing heavily on my way back and I nearly got stranded on the motorway), and funnily enough once I said I'd had enough and I wouldn't do it any more, it's suddenly not that important that we see each other at Christmas. They won't even meet me half way. So I'm heading into my third Christmas of not seeing them![/quote]
Yes Easier for them is clearly what they meant

tbf we get a few coming on Christmas Day, I think they prefer it as well because they don't have to cook so it works out for us all

Platax · 28/10/2021 16:08

I like driving, and generally if we go on holiday I prefer to drive because it makes the journey pass more quickly. But it's silly to suggest it's a doddle; any competent driver is concentrating properly on the road and other cars, and concentrating for two or more hours at a stretch is always going to be tiring.

icedcoffees · 28/10/2021 16:12

And someone driving thier spouse on a journey they are both taking anyway is not doing them a favour

Of course it's a favour.

Passengers in cars can sleep, read, play on their phones, eat, drink, watch a film on a table etc. The driver can't do any of those things - they need to be alert the whole time to be safe and in control.

nordica · 28/10/2021 16:13

Even without the driving, I totally get where he's coming from on this. I also made the decision years ago to spend Christmas relaxing at home and not visiting anyone or having anyone round. I just prefer that.

Christmas is just another day, especially if (like me) you don't have kids.

JudgeRindersMinder · 28/10/2021 16:15

@minervas1

So I take on board a lot of what everyone is saying and obviously everyone thinks I’m in the wrong so fine, I will quietly think it’s unfair rather than continuing to complain to him, but I would like to point out two things.

My DH couldn’t drive when we met. When we first left university neither of us could afford it, and then a few years after that he really wanted to learn so we could stop taking the train and we knew it would massively enhance our quality of life. We both paid for him to learn, the car was given to us by my Mum (her old car), we both pay for the upkeep and costs associated. He doesn’t drive for himself, he drives for our household, in the same way when I put on washing I do it for both of us. I think it’s super weird that everyone thinks I’m getting “lifts” everywhere - he may physically do the driving but I’m just as entitled to want to use the car, within reason. He’s not my Dad giving me a lift to the cinema to meet up with my mates for gods sake.

I’m surprised so many people think it’s ok to tell your spouse they can’t have guests at Christmas. I wonder how many of you would like it if your husband said that?

Your first point….OMFG I’m speechless!!

Original poster

minervas1 · 28/10/2021 16:16

@JudgeRindersMinder sorry, why?

OP posts:

BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou · 28/10/2021 16:36

2. I’m surprised so many people think it’s ok to tell your spouse they can’t have guests at Christmas. I wonder how many of you would like it if your husband said that?

My husband hates having people stay at our house, it makes him very uncomfortable so although I would love to have visitors we don’t. He also is very uncomfortable staying in other peoples homes too so we don’t do that either. I sometimes go and stay with family in my own though.

Comparing expecting someone to drive for four hours to take you somewhere with putting the washing on is just laughable I’m afraid.

ancientgran · 28/10/2021 16:38

@AryaStarkWolf

He's prepared to do one visit so why don't you get public transport to visit your family and then see his family with him or send him by himself if you fancy a quite day.

Send him by himself to go visiting when he doesn't even want to go? wtf?

He's said he'd do one, if it's his family the OP could decide not to go. She's said it's cruel to his family is he doesn't see them and she really wants to see hers so as I said either she goes to see her family and then goes with him to see his or he goes if he agrees it's cruel and he wants to see them and she isn't bothered. Because he might actually want to see his family but can't face doing both.

ancientgran · 28/10/2021 16:40

@julieca

She said she wasnt bothered. Women commonly do this when resources are scarce and let the man gain the skills.

So the OP isn't telling the truth? Nice.

julieca · 28/10/2021 16:41

@ancientgran just twist my words to suit your own agenda then.

crazeelala2u · 28/10/2021 16:45

@minervas1

Just trying to sense check if I'm being U or if DH is...

Last Christmas we spent just us two (no kids yet!) and it was lovely, we had a perfect time. It had always been the plan to spend it like that after years of traipsing around between two families (usually 24th-26th with one, and then 27th-30th with another), but obviously Covid rules meant we couldn't visit anyone in the run up to Christmas or around NY as had been the plan.

This year I had presumed we would spend Xmas Eve, Day and Boxing Day alone but visit families before and after. I expressed this to DH, asking whether he wanted to see his Mum+Dad before or after Xmas, and he said he didn't want to do any of that. He said he didn't want to drive around on his annual leave and be guests in other people's houses, and just wanted to relax like last year. We both got a bit irritated with each other, and he eventually said he would do one trip if necessary to my Mum and Dad, but he was only going to do one. I think this is really cruel to his family who we're really close to, and I don't want to miss seeing mine in the festive season either.

Now, here's where I may be being Unreasonable... I don't drive. I can't drive, never had any interest in learning (not medical or trauma related or anything, just have never had to). Our families live quite far from us, so visiting does involve 4 hours of driving, although not difficult driving and mostly on motorway. DH says he finds that exhausting and it makes him tired for Christmas when he is "on holiday", and that travel days eat into festive time. He is happy to see family earlier in December and then just hunker down for the christmas period itself.

I don't know if he's just being a lazy dick here or not, tbh? Is it unreasonable to expect him to do the driving so we can make family happy and have some nice visits, especially as I already feel we're being a bit selfish by having Christmas just us two? Or is he fair enough? Is there a compromise here?

As the only driver in my family, I understand your dh on this completely. I have to drive our family 8 hours 1 way, 8 hours back and then the next day 2 hours each one way for the other side of the family. It makes my holidays exhausting as I have to do all the cooking as well at each house.

billy1966 · 28/10/2021 16:46

@julieca

She said she wasnt bothered. Women commonly do this when resources are scarce and let the man gain the skills.

I agree.

OP, as an absolute priority you need to learn to drive.

It is a very useful life skill and I cannot imagine not having it if you had a family.

Most people learn just to have the skill.

You never know when it will be of use and that is why so many encourage their children to have it done by the time they are 21, if not before.

I think driving is tiring and by not being able to share the driving is a part of this.

Him not wanting any family/friends to visit all over Christmas is wholly unreasonable and to me would be totally unacceptable.

Are his needs very dominating within the relationship?

If they are, beware.

Head off to see his family if he won't take you.

Similarly, make sure you visit your family too.

Start lessons asap so you can use the car YOUR mother gifted you.

billy1966 · 28/10/2021 16:49

@crazeelala2u ....you sound like a house skivvy, is there a reason why you accept this?

All the driving and all the cooking🙄

Why would you put up with this?🤷‍♀️

MalagaNights · 28/10/2021 16:49

@buggeroff I would rather be married to someone who didn't drive than someone who wouldn't have guests stay in our home,or stay with others.
I'd find that much more restrictive and limiting.

In fact, I couldn't live like that.

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 28/10/2021 16:55

[quote MalagaNights]@buggeroff I would rather be married to someone who didn't drive than someone who wouldn't have guests stay in our home,or stay with others.
I'd find that much more restrictive and limiting.

In fact, I couldn't live like that.[/quote]
That's not the whole story here though is it? They have visitors (and have had recently) and the H has offered to take the OP to her parents. It's him wanting to slow down at Christmas specifically in this case.

NowEvenBetter · 28/10/2021 16:56

Because you’re just further embarrassing yourself OP.
You are not ‘entitled’ to use the car, since you don’t drive.

Tee20x · 28/10/2021 16:59

"although not difficult driving and mostly on motorway"

...for 4 hours, from someone who does not and has never driven. I don't think it's your place to comment on the ease of the drive my dear. Just because it's a motorway doesn't mean he can just switch off and relax.

Travelling at that speed and having your wits about you for that long is mentally draining.

He has said he will do one drive to visit your family take that and be happy. It's up to him whether he wants to see his own family.

Rude to call him a lazy dick. How about you learn how to drive seen as there's nothing medically stopping you.

DoctorSnortles · 28/10/2021 17:03

Learn to drive. Be a grown up.

DottyHarmer · 28/10/2021 17:03

Being a non-driver if you have dcs, OP, is going to be an almighty pain (unless you live in the middle of a city).

Never too late: Dsis passed her test the morning dn was born

Meandmini3 · 28/10/2021 17:03

You need driving lessons for Christmas

callmeadoctor · 28/10/2021 17:03

He isnt bothered about visiting his parents.... so let that one go. Thats his decision. How about inviting your parents over before or after xmas but they stay in a nearby b and b or Airbnb? (Fab compromise, if I say so myself.....................................)

sHREDDIES19 · 28/10/2021 17:03

Driving your partner to see loved ones shouldn’t feel like a chore, it’s part and parcel of being a unit and helping one another. I do believe everyone who can should learn to drive and would agree that it’s in your interest to learn. I also think driving isn’t really that taxing and as a one off your partner shouldn’t really be moaning. I’d happily do this for my dh, why wouldn’t I?!