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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re. Christmas and family visits?

460 replies

minervas1 · 28/10/2021 12:22

Just trying to sense check if I'm being U or if DH is...

Last Christmas we spent just us two (no kids yet!) and it was lovely, we had a perfect time. It had always been the plan to spend it like that after years of traipsing around between two families (usually 24th-26th with one, and then 27th-30th with another), but obviously Covid rules meant we couldn't visit anyone in the run up to Christmas or around NY as had been the plan.

This year I had presumed we would spend Xmas Eve, Day and Boxing Day alone but visit families before and after. I expressed this to DH, asking whether he wanted to see his Mum+Dad before or after Xmas, and he said he didn't want to do any of that. He said he didn't want to drive around on his annual leave and be guests in other people's houses, and just wanted to relax like last year. We both got a bit irritated with each other, and he eventually said he would do one trip if necessary to my Mum and Dad, but he was only going to do one. I think this is really cruel to his family who we're really close to, and I don't want to miss seeing mine in the festive season either.

Now, here's where I may be being Unreasonable... I don't drive. I can't drive, never had any interest in learning (not medical or trauma related or anything, just have never had to). Our families live quite far from us, so visiting does involve 4 hours of driving, although not difficult driving and mostly on motorway. DH says he finds that exhausting and it makes him tired for Christmas when he is "on holiday", and that travel days eat into festive time. He is happy to see family earlier in December and then just hunker down for the christmas period itself.

I don't know if he's just being a lazy dick here or not, tbh? Is it unreasonable to expect him to do the driving so we can make family happy and have some nice visits, especially as I already feel we're being a bit selfish by having Christmas just us two? Or is he fair enough? Is there a compromise here?

OP posts:
bluebeck · 28/10/2021 15:24

YABU

I think you should just get the train to see your family on your own.

julieca · 28/10/2021 15:24

Of course she wants him to contribute to housework aka getting the house ready.

MalagaNights · 28/10/2021 15:24

God this thread is weird.
It's like the crowd smelled the blood with 'you don't drive' and are revelling in the frenzy of beating you to a pulp with this.

It's like driving is some special greulling challenge, whihc you can never possibly understand.

A 4 hour journey is tiring whether you're the passenger or the driver.

The question is really whether you want to make the trip.

It's evidently not about the driving as everyone is gleefully seizing on, as he also won't get the train and doesn't want people to stay.

The issue is: he wants a quiet realxing Christmas, you want to see both families.

You both need to work out how you are going to organise your time over Christmas so there isn't resentment either way and so you don't need to have this row every year.

And you don't need to drive just so you can share the drive at Christmas. Ignore the frothing.

And someone driving thier spouse on a journey they are both taking anyway is not doing them a favour Grin!

DampSquidGames · 28/10/2021 15:25

Why can’t you take the train or coach to visit your parents?

RampantIvy · 28/10/2021 15:26

I think possibly he is feeling incredibly drained after this year,

Probably due to all the driving he has to do Grin

It depends on where you live on how difficult and tiring you find driving. M25, M6 round Birmingham, M62 - no thanks.

Semi rural Yorkshire where I live is fine most of the time.

Some people enjoy driving. Some people (DH) loathe it. I neither like nor dislike driving. It is just something I have to do.

julieca · 28/10/2021 15:26

@MalagaNights I agree. I am convinced on any MN thread you only have to put the sentence - I cant drive - for most people to tell you you are wrong, whatever the situation.

AryaStarkWolf · 28/10/2021 15:27

And someone driving thier spouse on a journey they are both taking anyway is not doing them a favour

It is a favour if the driver didn't actually want to go in the first place!

thing47 · 28/10/2021 15:29

I think you've made up a whole back story that doesn't exist actually

This. Julieca is clearly projecting some (unresolved?) issues in her own life as her posts bear no resemblance to those being raised in this thread.

For those of you who are hard of reading, the DH is quite happy to take OP to see her own family; it is his family they won't be seeing. Not quite sure what aspect of his behaviour is in any way unreasonable.

LaetitiaASD · 28/10/2021 15:35

@Ohwhatfunwehad

Non drivers have no idea how annoying it is for drivers to play taxi.

Get the train, learn to drive and listen to your DH. This will only become more problematic if you have children

Yeah but non-drivers are environmental saints - they never buy petrol unlike those disgusting, petrol buying, climate changing drivers that ferry them around!
thing47 · 28/10/2021 15:36

Not driving = perfectly reasonable
Not driving but expecting someone else to ferry you wherever and whenever you want to go or they're a 'lazy dick' = totally unreasonable

HTH

julieca · 28/10/2021 15:37

Paying for your DP to learn to drive, your mum giving him a car, and paying towards petrol - him refusing to drive - makes him a dick.
He would not be able to drive either without OPs help.

Notonthestairs · 28/10/2021 15:39

A 4 hour journey is tiring whether you're the passenger or the driver.

^^ that is nonsense. I enjoy driving, but it requires a lot more concentration than being a passenger.

Bjarnum · 28/10/2021 15:40

Get a provisional and start with lessons - that way you can drive too even if you have not passed your test (though you have to avoid motorways)

Notonthestairs · 28/10/2021 15:40

@julieca

Paying for your DP to learn to drive, your mum giving him a car, and paying towards petrol - him refusing to drive - makes him a dick. He would not be able to drive either without OPs help.
All solved by the Op learning to drive.
lifeinlimbo2020 · 28/10/2021 15:41

See I don't find driving 'exhausting' but my husband does. I like motorway driving and am quite happy driving for six hours plus whereas my DH doesn't so I think if that's how your DH sees it and it's his family he's decided not to see, then do that this year and his family next year. Then. If you're that bothered learn how to drive.

julieca · 28/10/2021 15:43

And OP if you learn to drive. make it your car that he can borrow to use.

Bookworm20 · 28/10/2021 15:43

You asked if there was some sort of compromise to be able to see both parents ideally. What about:

Meet each set of parents at a restaurant half way for a lunch (1 hour drive for you and them?) one set on a day before xmas and one on a day afterwards for a meal out with each set. Then drive back later same day. So thats only 2 full days out of the xmas break. This way less driving, you're not hosting, you don't have to stay at someones elses house and you get to see both sets of parents over xmas.

Platax · 28/10/2021 15:46

I can see your husband's point of view. When we got married we made a specific decision that we did not want to be like friends who complained that they spent large chunks of Christmas on the roads to keep various relatives happy, and therefore made it clear that we would be spending Christmas on our own and aiming to see them at some point before or after. If he is the one who ends up with all the driving, that becomes even more important.

Just take the train to see your relatives and let him sort out his own.

MalagaNights · 28/10/2021 15:46

A 4 hour journey is tiring whether you're the passenger or the driver.

^^ that is nonsense. I enjoy driving, but it requires a lot more concentration than being a passenger.

It's true for me. In fact I feel better if I've driven as I'm alert and engaged, I find being a passenger on a long journey drains me of enery from the extended passivity.

Im exhausted after an 8 hour flight. But I didn't fly the plane.

AryaStarkWolf · 28/10/2021 15:48

@julieca

Paying for your DP to learn to drive, your mum giving him a car, and paying towards petrol - him refusing to drive - makes him a dick. He would not be able to drive either without OPs help.
He hasn't refused to drive though, he told her he'd drive her to visit her family, he just doesn't want to do 2 trips, not just because he doesn't want to drive but he doesn't want to be away 2 different times over Christmas, that's perfectly reasonable
Notonthestairs · 28/10/2021 15:52

@MalagaNights you might be exhausted after an 8 hour flight because you've travelled to the airport, spent X amount of time going through passport control and waited around and then been in a pressurised environment.

Sitting in a car as a passenger- completely different experience.

wyemummy · 28/10/2021 15:52

Christmas travelling is miserable and definitely takes the edge off as a driver. DH and I have refused to do it since DS (now 3) arrived as all other family members have grown up children so can travel to us if they want to. We’re happy to put them up and happy to travel outside the Christmas period but after a hideous journey home on the M25 after my grandfather’s funeral on 23rd December in which we passed two horrible accidents within a few miles we now count our blessings that we have a good reason to hunker down and not join in the madness. Definitely have sympathy with your DH, you can’t appreciate how exhausting and stressful (and potentially dangerous) it is unless you drive. People’s heads are not in the right place on the roads when they’re thinking about getting hone/wherever for Christmas so you have to be extra vigilant as a driver. Do see your POV too but I think you’d feel differently if you shared the driving.

anon12345678901 · 28/10/2021 15:54

@julieca

She said she wasnt bothered. Women commonly do this when resources are scarce and let the man gain the skills.
Are you projecting? I think you need to re read the OP posts
Littlemisspissypants · 28/10/2021 15:54

This is the view point of so many non-drivers. 'youre sat down whilst your driving, you're lazy'. Pull your finger out, stop using your husband as a long distance taxi and learn to drive. You're totally unreasonable to call him lazy for not wanting to do an 8hour round trip.

AryaStarkWolf · 28/10/2021 15:55

@wyemummy

Christmas travelling is miserable and definitely takes the edge off as a driver. DH and I have refused to do it since DS (now 3) arrived as all other family members have grown up children so can travel to us if they want to. We’re happy to put them up and happy to travel outside the Christmas period but after a hideous journey home on the M25 after my grandfather’s funeral on 23rd December in which we passed two horrible accidents within a few miles we now count our blessings that we have a good reason to hunker down and not join in the madness. Definitely have sympathy with your DH, you can’t appreciate how exhausting and stressful (and potentially dangerous) it is unless you drive. People’s heads are not in the right place on the roads when they’re thinking about getting hone/wherever for Christmas so you have to be extra vigilant as a driver. Do see your POV too but I think you’d feel differently if you shared the driving.
Yeah me and DH are the same, after the first couple of years of driving around, we decided anyone is welcome to come to ours on or around Christmas day but we were staying put!