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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re. Christmas and family visits?

460 replies

minervas1 · 28/10/2021 12:22

Just trying to sense check if I'm being U or if DH is...

Last Christmas we spent just us two (no kids yet!) and it was lovely, we had a perfect time. It had always been the plan to spend it like that after years of traipsing around between two families (usually 24th-26th with one, and then 27th-30th with another), but obviously Covid rules meant we couldn't visit anyone in the run up to Christmas or around NY as had been the plan.

This year I had presumed we would spend Xmas Eve, Day and Boxing Day alone but visit families before and after. I expressed this to DH, asking whether he wanted to see his Mum+Dad before or after Xmas, and he said he didn't want to do any of that. He said he didn't want to drive around on his annual leave and be guests in other people's houses, and just wanted to relax like last year. We both got a bit irritated with each other, and he eventually said he would do one trip if necessary to my Mum and Dad, but he was only going to do one. I think this is really cruel to his family who we're really close to, and I don't want to miss seeing mine in the festive season either.

Now, here's where I may be being Unreasonable... I don't drive. I can't drive, never had any interest in learning (not medical or trauma related or anything, just have never had to). Our families live quite far from us, so visiting does involve 4 hours of driving, although not difficult driving and mostly on motorway. DH says he finds that exhausting and it makes him tired for Christmas when he is "on holiday", and that travel days eat into festive time. He is happy to see family earlier in December and then just hunker down for the christmas period itself.

I don't know if he's just being a lazy dick here or not, tbh? Is it unreasonable to expect him to do the driving so we can make family happy and have some nice visits, especially as I already feel we're being a bit selfish by having Christmas just us two? Or is he fair enough? Is there a compromise here?

OP posts:
julieca · 28/10/2021 15:04

@knightsinwhitesatin I like driving too. One of the things I missed during the first lockdown was a nice long drive to visit someone or go somewhere. I drive 7 hours when we were allowed to visit family again. It was great.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 28/10/2021 15:04

I don't know if he's just being a lazy dick here

Um... if you can't be arsed to learn how to drive, and expect him to ferry you around all over the place all the time anyway, let alone at Christmas, then you are the lazy dick here.

Learn how to drive!

icedcoffees · 28/10/2021 15:06

I am surprised so many people think driving is such a hardship, especially when it’s to do a nice thing like see family over holidays.

Not everyone thinks that's a "nice thing to do", though. If OP thinks it would be such a nice way to spend her annual leave, she can learn to drive and do it all herself.

Being the designated driver day in, day out can be exhausting, especially as there's no choice but to do it all. Choosing to do all the driving is very different to having no choice.

Feedingthebirds1 · 28/10/2021 15:06

Why is there so much emphasis in the replies on the driving aspect? That's only part of it, and I suspect not the main part. He just wants a quiet Christmas without spending a large chunk of his holiday in other people's houses. Very few posts have recognised that bit. Four hours driving to somewhere you're looking forward to going isn't the same as dragging yourself out when you don't want to go.

How many threads/posts do we see on here where posters complain that being a guest is very different to being in your own home? Or that having visitors means you can't do the things you normally would if they visit you, because it changes the dynamics of the house?

OP it does sound like you're the one wanting things all your own way. for your sake he's offered to go and visit your parents (with the associated driving). Why isn't that good enough for you? Why does it all have to be on your terms and what you want, otherwise he is, according to you, being a selfish dick?

ancientgran · 28/10/2021 15:06

@knightsinwhitesatin

I am surprised so many people think driving is such a hardship, especially when it’s to do a nice thing like see family over holidays. I do nearly all the driving in our household and I don’t mind it, I look forward to the drive up to see family for Christmas, get the radio on, snacks in the car and a KFC pit stop! I don’t think you’re being unfair OP, but I guess if your DH really doesn’t like driving then fair enough. But it’s still nice to see family at Christmas, in my opinion, so maybe the train with a tin of gin is a compromise. Good luck!
Not everyone enjoys driving though, I've just been to pick GS up. It is bucketing down with rain, roads are busy as all the halfterm holiday makers don't fancy the afternoon on the beach so are on the move presumably looking for something to do where they can keep dry. Was half an hour but not pleasant in the slightest.
Original poster
minervas1 · 28/10/2021 15:06

I’m currently on a train with a gin in a tin so your post made me laugh @knightsinwhitesatin !

For the person who asked if I worked Confused - yes, I do, a very busy job so I’m sadly not a complete princess as someone called me!

OP posts:
icedcoffees · 28/10/2021 15:07

I don't think he's unfair not to want to drive since it all falls on him, but I do think he's unfair to say people can't come to their home at Christmas, knowing that it means OP either can't see her family or would need leave him sat at home alone over Christmas.

Maybe he doesn't mind being left alone? He hasn't said she can't go and visit her family, he just doesn't want to do all the driving and/or all the hosting, which is totally fair enough.

Bogofftosomewherehot · 28/10/2021 15:07

@NailsNeedDoing

No, he’s not just being a lazy dick. Four hours driving is a huge chore, especially if it’s for something you’re not bothered about doing. He’s being generous and kind to you by agreeing to take you to see your family

The compromise is you learn to drive, and then you can share the chore.

I'm with @NailsNeedDoing. I think you've got a nerve calling him a lazy dick when you haven't bothered to learn to drive.

You have no idea how tiring it is driving for 4hrs in winter.

Maybe it's time you learnt? Especially if you decide to have kids and then expect him to do all of the running around.

Stompythedinosaur · 28/10/2021 15:07

Definitely a time to compromise - alternate years or half the time with visitors and half alone.

Yabu to say you have no interest in driving - if you have an interest in getting places by car then you can see the benefit in driving. Driving 4 hours solo is a lot and is tiring.

ancientgran · 28/10/2021 15:10

@icedcoffees

I don't think he's unfair not to want to drive since it all falls on him, but I do think he's unfair to say people can't come to their home at Christmas, knowing that it means OP either can't see her family or would need leave him sat at home alone over Christmas.

Maybe he doesn't mind being left alone? He hasn't said she can't go and visit her family, he just doesn't want to do all the driving and/or all the hosting, which is totally fair enough.

He's said he take her, just isn't prepared to visit both families. I think he's been fair offering to take her to her parents. OP asks if there is a compromise but he's already offered the compromise but that isn't enough.
AryaStarkWolf · 28/10/2021 15:10

He's prepared to do one visit so why don't you get public transport to visit your family and then see his family with him or send him by himself if you fancy a quite day.

Send him by himself to go visiting when he doesn't even want to go? wtf?

fitsandgiggles · 28/10/2021 15:11

Unreasonable. There's nothing worse than using your free time to chauffeur people around. And 4 hours driving will be tiring. It's not like when you are passenger and can relax, have a look on your phone etc. Why not get the train or see if family can visit you?

ineedaholidayandwine · 28/10/2021 15:11

He's fair enough in this one, i don't drive either, same as you just never had to, don't want to.
I'd never expect my husband to drive me to my family, i know he finds long drives exhausting so if he says he's not up for it either I'll get the train or they come to us.

anon12345678901 · 28/10/2021 15:11

@knightsinwhitesatin

I am surprised so many people think driving is such a hardship, especially when it’s to do a nice thing like see family over holidays. I do nearly all the driving in our household and I don’t mind it, I look forward to the drive up to see family for Christmas, get the radio on, snacks in the car and a KFC pit stop! I don’t think you’re being unfair OP, but I guess if your DH really doesn’t like driving then fair enough. But it’s still nice to see family at Christmas, in my opinion, so maybe the train with a tin of gin is a compromise. Good luck!
I enjoy driving, but I do it every day and have driven for over 20 years now. It looses its appeal, especially longer journeys. Sometimes it's nice to not drive or be driven. OP maybe it's time you started lessons for yourself?
AryaStarkWolf · 28/10/2021 15:12

[quote julieca]@Thatsnotall no the couple where the man gets prioritised for any money on learning to increase his skills, but then controls both when he uses them, and his partners family coming to stay.
It is very common if money is limited for it to be spent on the mans skills rather than the woman.[/quote]
The OP has said herself she has no interest in learning to drive though

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 28/10/2021 15:14

@minervas1

I think what is so frustrating is he doesn’t control when my family visit at any other time - we actually just had my Mum down to stay with us for a mini-holiday, and his siblings often visit. He’s just got it into his head that it would be really hard work to have anyone over the Christmas holiday, whereas I would have multiple visits from both sides of our family happily.

I think possibly he is feeling incredibly drained after this year, which I do understand, it’s just annoying for me. Maybe I need to think more about the reasons he is saying this to me rather than just that it’s upsetting.

I think you may have hit on something in your first post about how nice a quiet Christmas was for him (and loads of others) last year. I'm dreading 3 day trips in 4 days this year if we go back to normal. Utterly exhausting and sometimes unfair on younger ones I think as they don't always get chance to enjoy gifts fully until they get home.

Also given he's generally happy for your mum to come I think it's fine to want some time as just a couple over Christmas.

(I think everyone else has covered the driving bit of this!)

verymiddleaged · 28/10/2021 15:15

I’m just as entitled to want to use the car, within reason.

OP you are perfectly entitled to use the car but as you haven't learned how to drive unless you hire a chauffeur you can't.

To be able to use the car you need to be able to get behind the wheel and drive it.
Learning to do this if you are ever thinking of having dc would be best done sooner rather than later.

DampSquidGames · 28/10/2021 15:15

I think your DH is being very reasonable, he said he would like a quiet Christmas and has offered to drive you to see your parents.

julieca · 28/10/2021 15:15

She said she wasnt bothered. Women commonly do this when resources are scarce and let the man gain the skills.

Goblina · 28/10/2021 15:17

@Morgan12

I do think he is being rather selfish actually.

He won't drive (fair enough).
He won't compromise and get a train.
He won't allow any visitors.

Seems like he's doing what he wants and you've to like it or lump it.

I'd leave him all alone and go spend Christmas with my family.

He has compromised by suggesting doing the visit earlier in December. Just not Christmas week.
AryaStarkWolf · 28/10/2021 15:19

@julieca

She said she wasnt bothered. Women commonly do this when resources are scarce and let the man gain the skills.
I think you've made up a whole back story that doesn't exist actually
icedcoffees · 28/10/2021 15:19

He's said he take her, just isn't prepared to visit both families. I think he's been fair offering to take her to her parents. OP asks if there is a compromise but he's already offered the compromise but that isn't enough.

Exactly, which makes OP seem even more irrational to me, lol.

AryaStarkWolf · 28/10/2021 15:21

@julieca

She said she wasnt bothered. Women commonly do this when resources are scarce and let the man gain the skills.
These are her words :

I don't drive. I can't drive, never had any interest in learning (not medical or trauma related or anything, just have never had to).

EssexLioness · 28/10/2021 15:22

I think you are being unreasonable here OP, but maybe because you just haven’t considered his point of view before. 4 hours driving is exhausting and I am a confident driver. I have family over 4 hours away, mostly motorway driving and it is a real chore tbh. Motorway driving is actually more draining in my view, which you may not realise as a non driver: it is boring and monotonous and requires a lot of concentration to avoid your mind wandering. All of this is worse in grey, miserable weather and things like torrential rain are stressful as your visibility is so poor and there are a lot of idiots on the road. It can also be potentially deadly, and I have seen so many near misses (often involving HGVs).
I think he is being very fair to offer to drive to your family, and his family plans aren’t your business to worry about. Leave that up to him.
Also you say you don’t want to get the house ready on your own, yet he doesn’t want the guests so I think that’s fair. You accuse him of being lazy because he doesn’t want to do all that driving yet it is much easier and quicker for you to get the house guest ready (unless you live in a huge mansion), so by your logic then it is you that is being the lazy one.

Hillary17 · 28/10/2021 15:24

I can’t drive and we honestly have this every year. We now flip it - so we host everyone at a bit of a nibbles and drinks event on Boxing Day. Then we still family but husband doesn’t moan none stop about the drive. Sorry! I’m convinced we’ll argue about this until our death beds.