To want to be a stay home mum?

[wanttostayathome]

So I've got about 6 months left of my maternity leave, and I already know for a fact I don't want to go back. I love being a mum and I want to take another year or two off to raise my baby before she starts school.

Financially, it would be tight and although probably doable we'd have much less disposable income. My DH thinks I should go back for the money and also to have some balance between mum life and the old me.

I however disagree. There's nothing more I want from my life than to raise my baby but I don't know how to approach this conversation with him, as I know my POV isn't the done thing and I should want to be able to juggle career and family.

So, AIBU?

I mean some of the sentences that have been twisted out of context just so that another poster can come along and “defend the right of women to work” (when no one is attacking this) is mind boggling. Some of you are clearly gutted that you missed the feminist movements in earlier decades. If you want a feminist cause maybe look at SAHMs - we are a pretty marginalised group these days and are openly slated online by some ( not all) other women for not doing what the majority do.

No twisting or taking out of context required. The words in this paragraph that’s quoted here verbatim are ridiculous enough on their own.

@Babysharkdududududu

Literally all of the above comments just confirm to me that some of you will just twist anything that has been said - if it has been said by a SAHM. Not all of you though.

This does seem to be going in circles now,
And some of you repeating but the OPs husband just wants x or similar you have been banging the same drum for a long time now the discussion has moved on from just what the ops husband wants.

So pointing our some above comments, but the stating 'not all of you', so you can claim you didn't mean that comments when challenged is just childish behaviour.

And why do you think people will twist anything if its posted by a sahm. You aren't one, are you a student?

People keep mentioning the husband not wanting to be the only earner because you keep insisting that anyone who points that out hates sahms. So they and continously clarifying while you put your fingers in your ears and complain people hate you.

Except you aren't a sahm, so you wouldn't be part of this 'marginalised group' anyway.

Literally all of the above comments just confirm to me that some of you will just twist anything that has been said - if it has been said by a SAHM.

Of course they do. You're determined to see nothing but your own agenda and therefore, no matter how much people point things out to you, no matter how well reasoned and substantiated their posts are, you won't challenge your thinking. You'll merely take everything people are saying as "confirmation" of it.

Literally nobody has suggested that there's anything wrong with someone being a SAHP if both people are on board. You appear to be unhappy with anything less than all of us applauding your decision as the objectively best one that all families should do if they can, all pros and absolutely no cons.

The whole divisive 'picking a side' thing is weird anyway. It implies that if you do one thing (either WOH or SAH) then you would hate doing the others. Quite an odd way to think.

I adored being with my children and found it especially fun when they got to the stage of interacting more, toddling about and wanting to be involved in everything. I really can't imagine for a moment id have been unhappy staying at home. I decided to continue working for all the myriad reasons mentioned. It doesn't follow that I'd have been miserable staying home. That would be Flawed logic.

If you want a feminist cause maybe look at SAHMs - we are a pretty marginalised group these days

No you are not.

What am I reading?

@DrSbaitso

If you want a feminist cause maybe look at SAHMs - we are a pretty marginalised group these days

No you are not.

What am I reading?

Lmao not sure but it's pretty deluded.

Oh dear god. At this point you are like a pack of angry dogs!

What have I or anyone said that is actually so outrageous really?! I mean some of the comments are just nasty, snide and many of you are just repeating each other. Oh and arguing against points which no one made!

You know some of you maybe need to question what you gain from going online to repeat other posters and gang up solely on one or two people (before me it was some one else).

Let’s see who will post the nastiest comment in response because I’m sure there will be lots. My money is on Betty carver as she’s said some pretty awful things so far.

Nope, not interested in playing your weird game. Soz!

DuchessOfDork and Babysharkdududududu don’t know about you two but I’ve zoned out here and I’m not wasting my energy. In fact I’m putting the kettle on and will raise my cup to you two sensible people - feel free to join me wherever you are!! Enjoy your day ladies ☕️

I work, but there is something a little rabid about wohps ob these threads. Not sure what it is tbh....envy maybe (I know I'm not allowed to say that though- not on message am I?), or maybe just bullies picking on people they view as more vulnerable or weaker. Either way, not a good look and if you're so happy with your choice, why so angry?

@Babysharkdududududu

Oh dear god. At this point you are like a pack of angry dogs!

What have I or anyone said that is actually so outrageous really?! I mean some of the comments are just nasty, snide and many of you are just repeating each other. Oh and arguing against points which no one made!

You know some of you maybe need to question what you gain from going online to repeat other posters and gang up solely on one or two people (before me it was some one else).

Let’s see who will post the nastiest comment in response because I’m sure there will be lots. My money is on Betty carver as she’s said some pretty awful things so far.

Good, solid argument.

@Babysharkdududududu

Oh dear god. At this point you are like a pack of angry dogs!

What have I or anyone said that is actually so outrageous really?! I mean some of the comments are just nasty, snide and many of you are just repeating each other. Oh and arguing against points which no one made!

You know some of you maybe need to question what you gain from going online to repeat other posters and gang up solely on one or two people (before me it was some one else).

Let’s see who will post the nastiest comment in response because I’m sure there will be lots. My money is on Betty carver as she’s said some pretty awful things so far.

How us disagreeing with you and answering things you said like a lack of angry dogs?

What have i said that rabid? When people who agree with you post do you view you and them as 'angry' or 'rabid'.

I joined this thread late and it was quite measured until people started, incorrectly, claiming people were anti sahm, with no proof to back it up

Again the claim of gang mentally, when it's individual posters that disagree is a tactic to shut up anyone who you don't want to hear from.

Its designed to silence people.

If you don't want to engage further, then don't.

But no one on this thread is anti sahm. They have made their points very very clearly. You just don't want to hear them.

What have i said that rabid? When people who agree with you post do you view you and them as 'angry' or 'rabid'.

I think you're conflating two posters there. The one you are quoting didn't say "rabid" I don't think, (that was me who said rabid)! Mine was a general comment about how wohps (of which I am one) behave on these threads. Not aimed at you or anyone on particular

@DuploSubmarine

I work, but there is something a little rabid about wohps ob these threads. Not sure what it is tbh....envy maybe (I know I'm not allowed to say that though- not on message am I?), or maybe just bullies picking on people they view as more vulnerable or weaker. Either way, not a good look and if you're so happy with your choice, why so angry?

I think on this thread you may need to ask that of @Babysharkdududududu who is claiming people have said things they have not.

I would love to know which posts of mine you have decided are angry?

I don’t think I sound rabid. Neither am I anti SAHM - my own mum was one for years. I have a couple of friends who are SAHPs (one male, one female). Why would I be anti-SAHP when people I care about have chosen this? The difference to the OP’s situation is that my dad, and my friends spouses, were also fully on board with the decision and it was the right one for their circumstances.

@DuploSubmarine except they haven't.

There was one poster, I think, who mentioned SAHM reading cosmo and getting fat, which is of course ridiculous and insulting. In contrast, there's been an angry tirade from one poster in particular who seems determined to think that people are ganging up on SAHM and accuses mums who work as being on hamster wheels and only working because we want to buy lots of stuff. It's most bizarre.

I would have been very happy as a SAHM. The fact I chose to work does not mean that I'd hate the alternatives. Absolutely fine to have a SAHP provided both parents are in agreement - as we've all said repeatedly.

Not aimed at you or anyone on particular

Ah so a general comment that wasn't about people on the thread in general.

And yes you are right. I did confused posters. However Babysharks sentiment is exactly the same.

I would love to know which posts of mine you have decided are angry?

Calm down love! I wasn't accusing you personally of anything

But now you mention it, you do sound angry. Demanding I clarify EXACTLY WHAT I MEAN BY THAT AND SHOW ME EXACTLY WHERE....🤣🤣🤣🤣

No. I won't be doing that.

This is a weird thread and people, none of whom know this husband of the OP, are literally on the ceiling! Are people projecting their own husbands’ attitudes onto this unknown man? It seems very triggering for so many.

If these threads show anything, it is that the decision to return to work is far more emotionally fraught for women than men. And it’s not just down to societal expectations. It’s innately more difficult for (most) women to separate from young children and it does women a disservice to try to claim otherwise.

Tbh, the OP is just thinking about an extra year off with her baby. Anyone would think she’s about to step off the face of the earth!

People change direction in life many times. She’s said she’s having doubts about her future in that industry anyway. Maybe it’s time for a rethink?

Presumably they’ll have more children in the next few years so she’ll be home again anyway?

And as for all this ‘sole provider’ hype. He’s would only be doing the same as he’s doing now . Yes they may have less income for a limited period, but it is what it is.

I think some women are ready to get back into the workplace ASAP and there’s nothing wrong with that. But for other women, I do think being essentially forced to put your child in childcare before you feel ready can literally feel like having your arm ripped off. It can be extremely traumatic. And when women feel alienated, it’s easy to see how depression and mental health problems can creep on. Especially when mothers are told how ‘lucky’ they are for being able to combine children and work (but they feel utterly miserable on the inside and anything but lucky). It’s really tough and it’s a very emotive and highly charged subject. The fact that these threads always hit the roof is proof of that, whether you’re SAHM or WOHM.

@DuploSubmarine

I would love to know which posts of mine you have decided are angry?

Calm down love! I wasn't accusing you personally of anything

But now you mention it, you do sound angry. Demanding I clarify EXACTLY WHAT I MEAN BY THAT AND SHOW ME EXACTLY WHERE....🤣🤣🤣🤣

No. I won't be doing that.

And there it is again.

You post something that makes no sense, sometimes questions it and they are an angry woman?
Using a misogynistic stereotype to shut people up?

And then claim you generalised comment wasn't about the thread in general?

Is that how you usually operate? Make random comments, can't back them up and try to shut people up if they question it?

Are people projecting their own husbands’ attitudes onto this unknown man?

No, I don't have a husband. I am going off op saying her partner doesn't want her to be a sahm.

Who cares what's the 'done thing'. If you can manage it financially and want to, then do it. I don't even see that it is or isn't the done thing. Everyone I know did different things in relation to work and being a sahm and it didn't occur to me to have any opinion and they didn't have an opinion on what I did. We all just need do what feels best and works.

@min00 thank heavens for a more measured post after the weirdness just now!

However, I disagree that the sole provider issue is just 'hype.' Carrying financial responsibility for the family can be a huge pressure. Men's mental health is just as important as women's, and you only have to look at issues of burn out, depression and male suicide rates to see that it's just not as simple as thinking 'oh well, the husband is already working full time, so it's not much of a change for him.' I certainly wouldn't want the responsibility of being sole financial provider for my family, so I don't expect it of my dh either.

Haven't read the full thread, but sure it's been said. You both have to be on board and in agreement to you being a SAHM. It'll just stir up resentment otherwise.

Sorry, you do sound extremely irrate. I mean, really, are you OK?

I mean...it WAS a general comment about the thread. You didn't even know which poster you were responding to because you were so keen to spew indignation at someone. So it's no wonder you misread it. It made perfect sense as a general comment. I said "...wohps on these threads...".

You are so angry you can't hold a sensible conversation. Why though? Seriously, you need to watch your blood pressure. Must be through the roof.