To ask your favourite passive aggressive email sayings

[amazeandastonish]

I have irritating colleagues, as I'm sure we all do, and whilst I'd love nothing more than to say something like "fuck off", I obviously have to be more polite and professional.

So what are your favourite passive aggressive email sayings? Are there any I don't already know?

My favourite is "as per my last email"

Also someone in a previous job once signed off with "take care". Neither of us liked each other and I knew she really didn't mean

Apparently 'kind regards' means anything but, yet I'm not sure everyone realises that so I don't think that's really a PA saying!

When the email simply has your name rather than ‘Dear’ and then as tensions get worse has no name at all, just launches straight into it. Likewise going from ‘kind regards’ to ‘regards’ to nothing.

Sometimes, if put in the right/wrong place, even a ‘please’ or ‘thank you’ can sound passive aggressive. ‘I would appreciate it if you could please respond at your earliest convenience’

I'm reminded of Sofie Hagen talking about the differences between the UK and Denmark in this respect:

'The Danes are direct. If you want to send a professional email to someone, asking for some files, regardless of how little you know them, your email will read: “Hey, send the files.” That’s it. It took me a while to learn the British way of making every request sound as if you are asking a person for their first-born’s hand in marriage. “Dearest Cliff, I hope you are well. I do apologise for getting in touch on this godless Tuesday, but I hope you might consider even the slightest possibility of perhaps finding the time…” And so on. My emails now take 20 times longer to write. Often, I forget the pleasantries and simply send a Danish-style four-word message. Then I am filled with British shame. For this reason, I have considered adding an email signature that reads: “I’m not rude, I’m Danish.”

Gentle reminder
As per...email

@TwinklyBranch

"Happy to discuss" = "call me if you dare".

That's funny!

I REALLY dislike kind regards !

You must be a volunteer because I can't imagine your company pays anyone to treat their customers so rudely.

"I hope this clarifies things" = Why did you not get this the first time?

Mine is "would you consider it prudent to...." - and then I explain exactly what I need them to do to prevent a major fuckup. No-one is fooled by this one - I am clearly telling them what to do and how to do their job -- but it is polite!

@RenoSusan
“You must be a volunteer because I can't imagine your company pays anyone to treat their customers so rudely.”

This thread is moving fast. Who was that to?

Oh dear, I often use, "noted, thanks" or, "noted, will do". Certainly don't mean it to be pa. Just hate getting emails dressed up in flowery language. Why use ten words when two or three will do? Just wastes time. And as for starting every work email with, "hope you are well?" or some such... God give me strength!

I love a bit of “furthermore” just for one last dig.

I think this is an art peculiar to Britain. Other cultures are baffled and take these comments literally.

‘Noted’ is used quite a lot in business proposals to clients so I don’t think it is necessarily PA. in fact, it can actually sound quite submissive in internal emails if you are responding to criticism.

These are PA? Who knew? To me they just look like the basic courtesy adults should be expected to show each other at work. If I feel acrimonious enough to a colleague to want to sign off an email with 'fuck off bollockhead', it probably means I'm happy to avoid them where possible and communicate sparingly in any case. PA pot-shots are a waste of negative energy; I'm simply polite to them and stay out of their way.

My long-learned lesson with emails are the fewer the words used the better. There's less room for them to be misconstrued. I've also trained myself out of the kind of wordiness, always starting with an apology, full of Ps, Qs, 'justs' and defensive language so often ingrained in women. That took practice. If anyone noticed at the time, they haven't commented, and plenty of people work on the same basis.

'Best' and 'All best' are fine. I think we can leave aside the objection that they are dangling modifiers in this case.

I love 'have a fantastic weekend' when the other person knows you can't bear them and couldn't give a toss about their weekend!

Oh my god, I cannot stand the I hope you're well or I trust this email finds you well!!!

“Happy to answer any questions…” I’m really not - this is self-explanatory you muppet

Kind regards = trying to be trendy in the American way. It’s not professional. Why not sincerely or faithfully.

@Watto1

Kind regards is fine. Dropping the ‘kind’ means they have really pissed you off!

Absolutely! Especially if it's got some other little digs peppered throughout 😂😂

A few below:

Noted
= whatever it is you have said is irrelevant/ idiotic but I really don’t feel it needs any further response from me. By the way, you’re a cock.

Happy to discuss
= I know you don’t like what I’m telling you, and if you’d like to speak to me in person I’ll explain why you’re wrong.

You might consider this a commercially reasonable course of action, however, there is significant legal and/or regulatory risk associated with your proposal, which I would be happy to explain in person
= do this and you’re going to get us in trouble and at best you’ll lose your bonus and at worst you’ll get fired.

Let me make this crystal clear and absolutely not for debate
= Only used once or twice in emergencies, usually when I’m giving a specific instruction that the recipient will ignore with career and/or reputation threatening jeopardy.

‘Warmest regards’ is just revolting. It has a ‘moist’ feel to it.
I cannot stand ‘gentle reminder’. So passive aggressive

@Dnaltocs Quite right. I’ve been using kind regards but think it is time to return to yours faithfully/sincerely.

Just a gentle reminder

Subtext >>Fucking pull your collective fingers out!

I realised a few years ago that I used more exclamation marks in emails to women than I did to men (then hated myself for it obviously) and now try to remove as many as possible because while my instinct is to 'soften' what I'm saying, my job is to say what I mean in a non emotive and professional way.

It's definitely a female socialisation thing in my case - 'don't be rude / bossy' etc.

@Dnaltocs

Kind regards = trying to be trendy in the American way. It’s not professional. Why not sincerely or faithfully.

See these just sound really old fashioned to me!