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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how I mentally accept this mistake?

130 replies

idiotgeorge · 26/10/2021 17:00

I made a really costly mistake because I was stressed and didn’t check something carefully before I booked it. I’m talking 1000s. It won’t leave me impoverished or anything but will make a massive dent in my savings.

I’m hoping the company in question will take pity but let’s say they don’t…

I’m looking for some good ‘mantras’ for just accepting this and moving on. I’m completely devastated but I don’t want to be overwhelmed with this feeling for too long. How do I swallow it and move on and not be filled with regret?

OP posts:
IceInTheStomach · 27/10/2021 13:01

I would say you could take comfort in the fact so many people here have posted to say they have fucked stuff up too suggest solutions or just empathise, but I'm know it's probably all cold comfort at the moment.

I once (in the middle of a very busy stressful Friday) handed keys over to the new owners of a property without properly checking they had actually completed and funds had been transferred. They happily took the keys and avoided all attempts by us or solicitors to contact them over the weekend. I actually still remember the the feeling when I realised it hadn't completed and it makes me shudder sometimes. That weekend I was terrified and almost in disbelief that I had fucked up so badly. Hundreds of thousands of pounds and possession of a property.

Obviously it was sorted in the end, if it hadn't the firm would have had indemnity cover etc but it was a huge mistake. I still think about it sometimes but it doesn't feel anywhere near as awful as when it happened and this will be the same for you (and you can comfort yourself that you're not at the same level of sheer incompetence Wink)

Amazingly I kept my job. That was a good thing (not just for obvious reasons) as it helped me to realise I may have fucked up but my boss still felt I was worth keeping on due to my previous track record of not fucking up, which was comforting and (ironically) also taught me to be a more understanding person myself, as I would have sacked me if I had been the boss! Since then I have taken the opportunity to be as kind as I can to any staff reporting to me, who had made a mistake, so I can share some of the kindness I received from my boss at the time which made my situation so much better. Needless to say I learnt to triple check everything too!

I hope you feel better and have taken some comfort from the thread.

IceInTheStomach · 27/10/2021 13:03

I have to say too, if anyone had suggested God or crystals to me at the time, I may have rolled my eyes right out of my head, but I know now it comes from a place of well meaning.

Borderterrierpuppy · 27/10/2021 15:37

I just remind myself that however bad I feel about it the physical feeling fades. You will feel a little better with every day that passes.
We have to forgive ourselves when we make a mistake. Great if we can rectify it, but if we can’t, move forward.

Feeasco · 27/10/2021 17:49

Everyone has done this, if not a few times.
Treat yourself as if you are your best friend. Try and enjoy whatever it is and know you will in time replenish those savings.
I would be surprised if there is not a coming off period for your purchase. If not, just enjoy and make the best of it -ife is too short to feel guilty x

CSJobseeker · 27/10/2021 17:59

No use crying over spilled milk

thebuswontfit · 27/10/2021 18:09

Think of it as spreading your wealth?

Yourstupidityexhaustsme · 27/10/2021 18:13

Be your own best friend. It's something I'm trying so hard to do.

If your best friend rang you absolutely devastated then what would you do? You'd joke about it, call her a right daftie, see if you could fix it, realise you couldn't have an angry for fuck sake moment, give her a hug and then open a bottle of wine and have something nice for tea, watch her favourite tv that night and do your best to cheer her up and take her mind off it.

Do that. We ALL make mistakes. We ALL deserve forgiveness. Especially from ourselves. It's just money. You haven't hurt anyone, you haven't done anything bad.

It can be completely forgiven/forgotten in time, even by yourself.

SpookyPumpkinPants · 27/10/2021 18:16

Is it something like booking two flights to a far flung place intending to cancel one, but upgrading to first class instead, the flight you can cancel but not the upgrade

Hopefully you can find a governing
body who will be able to sort it out for you.

fruitbrewhaha · 27/10/2021 18:20

I suppose you could consider what is the alternative?

You either move on accept it and learn from it

or it eats you up and makes you miserable.

Option 1 is better.

MarvellousMonsters · 27/10/2021 18:22

You say it won't leave you impoverished etc, so:

"It's only money, it could be worse"

ChargingBuck · 27/10/2021 18:57

Oh that's pants OP. Please avoid the temptation of the self-scolding route.
& here's a couple of mantras:

That's ... inconvenient.
Taught to me by an old MD. It's a great one for getting yourself - & your direct reports! - to avoid catastrophising.

It will all be the same in 100 years.
A good one for regaining perspective.

Take one of these Wine & whatever the outcome from the supplier company, you will be right as rain.

Christmas1988 · 27/10/2021 19:24

I lost thousands last year, I was well and truly conned buying new vans for the builder and all sorts looking back I was so stupid and I’d have been the first to notice if it had been happening to anybody else. I’m still angry but time has been a great healer. I’m less angry and I’ll be less angry next year and the year after as will you.

Christmas1988 · 27/10/2021 19:28

Being angry is like drinking poison but expecting the other person to die

Holding on to angry is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else, you are the one who gets burned.

Hope these twee phrases help! Hope for the hopeless quotes!

browneyes77 · 27/10/2021 19:58

I did some sessions with Mind for my anxiety and stress because I’m one of life’s overthinkers and will beat myself up about things and panic about how I can fix them.

One thing they helped me to see, is that you can only focus on the things you can control. Dont focus on the stuff that is out of your control.

So, what’s happened has happened. You can’t control the outcome BUT you can control what you do with that outcome.

secretbookcase · 27/10/2021 20:50

@unlikelytobe

I think it was the film Bridge of Spies .... Tom Hanks says to Mark Rylance "You're in a lot of trouble but you don't seem very worried" (or words to that effect). Rylance says "Would it help?"

No.Smile

I love that line too. It was a lightbulb moment when I first heard it.
Blah1881 · 27/10/2021 21:10

Nothing matters except that you are alive and have your health, and that the same is true for those you love. I have made 1000s and lost 1000s- my god if you asked people to recount their ‘money I wasted by accident’ stories I’m sure you would be inundated!

VK456 · 27/10/2021 21:58

I feel for you. I lost a very large sum of money through no fault of my own. The only way I can deal with it is not to think about it. This does get easier as time passes, but it still upsets me when I do think about it nearly 20 years later.

Helenluvsrob · 27/10/2021 22:28

Ultimately it’s done and it’s only money. No one was hurt or died.
Hug your loved ones , cherish yourself. That’s what really matters.

CrankyFrankie · 27/10/2021 23:17

It’s only money 💜

That said..! If it’s the type of thing that is offered to businesses (eg expensive health check) then they definitely refund or at least part refund when they want to. If you beg them enough I’m sure they’ll give you something back. Definitely needs to be begging phone calls and appealing to better nature etc rather than just hoping on an email. Good luck x

Zipperdidoodaa · 28/10/2021 00:18

Similar happened to me several years ago - I lost what was, to me, a significant amount of money on a holiday. It helped me to think that it just wasn't meant to be and something worse than losing money could have happened had I gone.
Funnily enough not long after I had a significant tax rebate - I hope the same happens for you too

Rangoon · 28/10/2021 03:32

I found out my teenage son had cancer, three years ago, after a fairly routine appendix removal. We had an agonising wait to find out whether the cancer was contained or whether it had spread. He ended up having an excellent prognosis but compared to this losing some thousands of pounds is really nothing.

LifeAdvice · 28/10/2021 03:48

Depending on what it is, I usually try three things:

  1. personal embarrassment or bad feelings - I remind myself that no one really thinks about me as much as I do ( or as I think they do), and that within a few weeks probably no one will remember it. So why should I tie myself up in knots and cringe with embarrassment at a memory that literally know one else in the world remembers.
  2. financial mistake or wrong career decision etc - I try and remind myself of all the things I have done right (often without knowing about it) and so I was bound to have a bad one at some point. You mentioned less in savings - I try and remind myself of some lucky good decisions that have influenced my life for the positive - taking a certain job, not buying or waiting to buy something it turns out later would have been useless or having insurance etc. So I try and see this as a bad one to even it out and move on.
  3. punish myself! - if I really feel bad and none of this works, I might stop takeaways or take away coffees or Netflix or something, as a bit of a ‘punishment’ and then put that money saved away to ‘make up’ for my mistake. It makes me feel better, but usually after a week I am over it, and rejoin everything! But sometimes, a bit of ‘punishment’ and belt-tightening and saving money really helps me move on from the guilt.

Hope these help :)

Costakiko · 28/10/2021 05:46

How u feeling op?

Maybe this costly mistake is the lesson to learn now that stops an even larger mistake in years to come.

So learn the lesson. Work out where things went wrong and eg. don’t make changes etc when really tired.

It will be okay.

thecatsarecrazy · 28/10/2021 08:36

My husband failed to return tax returns on time, messed up the years all sorts. He never actually made any money self employed. He had ideas of working for himself but never managed it. He got fined 1000s putting it off and not telling me, had to take a lone out to pay for it. Only finished paying it off recently.

LoisLane66 · 28/10/2021 10:53

If it was holiday money you could just pretend you had the time of your life and look online at photos of the place imagining yourself there or cook some food from that area and play music you might have heard on the trip
My 'kick myself' moment was when we got burgled and some photos went missing (before cloud storage) Nothing else could match that loss...ever, but I have learned to mentally recreate the places and people in the photos and smile, remembering the great times we had. Those memories can't be stolen.