Why aren’t you obese?

[Spottyphonecase24]

A bit of a weird one but I have just got off a zoom call with my therapist. We were talking about my weight (I am obese).

Why isn’t everyone else obese? What stops you? I don’t seem to have an off button. I remember going from a 10 to a 12 and thinking that’s it I’m not going to get any bigger but I did and now I am in a size 24 and they are getting a bit tight. I’ve read lots about how people have their light bulb moment to lose weight and that has not happened to me, or maybe it has and I’ve ignored it.

What stops you eating a tub of icecream or picking up a large bar of chocolate instead of a small one or one bag of crisps instead of a family size bag?

I honestly don’t know the reasons why people don’t eat more. Is it will power, feeling full?

I think some people are just predisposed to weight gain. I eat my fair share of crap but I do enjoy exercise and burn a lot off. Maybe my luck will change one day

I have always been active, my father was very sporty so dragged me off down the local rugby club as soon as I was allowed and I have never really looked back. I ended up playing semi pro before hanging up my boots in my early 30s at which point I took up rowing. I am lucky that I have had access to strength and conditioning coaches, nutritionists etc so have a base knowledge on how to look after myself. I compete in rowing so train 5/6 days a week and although I have a largely healthy diet I eat like a horse as I need the fuel. I drink lots, love cheese and curries but only really indulge at weekends. I don't eat chocolate and only eat deserts when at a restaurant. I don't smoke. My holidays are of the trekking variety. My social life is very much geared around sporty people so I am just using to seeing people in lycra!

I purposely don't buy the larger sized snack food like chocolate because I know that when I start I won't be able to stop. If I do buy things like milk chocolate it will be maybe once a month, same with any other 'treat' kind of food.

I also don't drink. If I got tipsy in the past it would throw all my resolve out the window and I would end up eating rubbish.

I don't eat carbs which has massively helped with my cravings.

I prefer myself clothes on me when I'm slimmer.

@Interrobanger

Without outing myself too much, I work with people who struggle with their weight and body image. In my experience people who over-eat do so because of deep rooted emotional reasons - childhood abuse and/or neglect, trauma, sexual trauma, undiagnosed neurodiversity, bereavement...

The reason is never that they simply like cake too much.

I look at over-eating as being under the same umbrella as addiction. It's another way of self-medicating to manage emotional pain. Just as an alcoholic drinks to self-medicate, or a workaholic uses work to distract themselves from feeling emotional pain.

I've seen people with binge-eating disorders make amazing progress through therapy. Once they start addressing the cause of their pain, the need to over-eat diminishes. But it's painful work - not everyone is ready or able to do it. And it can be slow progress, which is frustrating when you want to see quick results.

This^^

Most of the people on this thread do not understand binge eating or why people end up gaining stones. They think their daily decisions about what to eat and being able to decide not to have a bit extra are comparable to yours. This is crap.
I have been a size 24, currently a size 18 and working on getting down a bit further. You are in therapy so clearly working on whatever is going on in your head. This is the first step. The second is deciding you are important and valuable enough to look after yourself. The final step is finding something which works for you and sticking to it. It won’t be easy or smooth but the key is forgiving yourself when you slip but getting back up again and keeping going.
Good luck.

I moved to a mindset of deciding that everything I put in my mouth has to contribute positively to my health. This means that whatever I eat is a positive choice rather than a negative one. I am not 'denying' myself anything, that would be incredibly miserable. I therefore choose to eat what I consider to be an incredibly healthy diet of only vegetables, salad, fish, occasional chicken, olive and flaxseed oil, nuts, a little fruit... that's all.

I made this choice though as I have been incredibly unwell with more than one chronic condition and genuinely believe that I had to do this to put myself in a place where I could 'heal' as best I could.

I guess it's their relationship with food. Lucky bastards.

I'm morbidly obese and have a deeply problematic relationship with food. Food is love. Food is comfort. People tell us fatties to only eat when we're hungry but with emotional eating, you're always bloody hungry. It's addiction, and one can't give up food like one can cigarettes.

In a flat choice between a long life and a life filled with cheese, I'd probably choose the cheese.

@Mnusernc interesting, but what about people who were previously very thin and then gradually put on weight ?
I used to be about 8 /9 stone. Now I'm 13 , and d say my diet now is better , less takeaways and alcohol for example.

@midnightpopcorn

I'd be really interested to see a week of food for the thin people who say they eat loads of unhealthy food but dont gain weight. I just don't understand it scientifically... I'm convinced they're actually not eating much or they're really active.

So for example if I'm unchecked, not in the zone diet wise and eat what I like, I'd say it's: bacon, eggs, sausage and buttery bread, crisps x 2, 3 portions cereal (looks like nothing in the bowl), chocolate bar, tuna Mayo sandwich (whole tub of sandwich filler meant for 3 sandwiches), then a takeaway (pizza or curry), or a meal from the freezer like pie, chips, beans. Then maybe a bottle or 2 of wine and another bar of chocolate.

This kind of thing every day for weeks.

That's not how the thin people are eating is it?

No, I don’t think I’ve ever eaten that much in one day.

I have binge eating disorder but I am a size 10.

Therefore nothing really stops me, and my weight does fluctuate (within half a stone). I’ve been really skinny and I’ve been a size 14. I do get to a weight where I diet but I haven’t been there weight for about 8 years.

I think I just don’t have the capacity to eat the volume of food I’d need to eat to get bigger. I also get sick of the high calorie foods. Like I will feel too ill to eat any more of it, so I’ll choose to have a meal with lots of vegetables.

I eat a lot of junk food but I also eat healthy meals too which I think keeps my weight in check. I also don’t binge 24/7. I generally have a few days a week where I won’t binge and I therefore won’t eat any junk because I actually don’t like it or how it makes me feel. It is a drug to me. A bit like how some people do cocaine at the weekend or binge drink on a Friday night.

I had dropped the binging but lockdown screwed it all up for me and I can’t get a handle on it again.

Oh I also exercise. Nothing major, speed walking and Pilates.

Honestly, it just wouldn't occur to me to eat more than one cake, or a whole packet of biscuits. I only drink water or tea. I never ever say no to an ice cream, cake etc in a social setting but it will generally be factored into a smaller lunch or whatever. I walk about 5 miles a day just in day to day activities.

I eat quite slowly and can't eat large meals as they make me feel too full. I tend to eat small portions but do eat maybe too much chocolate and dessert type things, my weight has always been about the same and BMI around 22 so not overly slim, about average size really for my 5'10 height. exercise is quite variable, I sometimes go for long walks and other days do hardly anything. I think a lot of it is genes though as my family are all very average size and their weight doesn't really change much like mine, even at Christmas time

Im a size 12… im never going to be much smaller. Like others have said. I have minimal junkin the house. We have some biscuits and multipack crisps. I have one tiny bag of crisps a day and a couple of biscuits. I don’t buy big chocolate bars or ice cream. Of course I have treat evenings but maybe one a week where we share a big back of crisps and a share bag of chocolate maybe.

Portion sizes are smaller, I don’t calorie count or diet but I eat and as many nutrients as possible. I don’t restrict foods or food groups. I love toast and bread I just don’t eat a load of it every day. I don’t really drink alcohol at home.
I have meals where I eat what I want, go out for food and drinks. I don’t restrict anything.

I exercise: cardio, resistance bands and yoga. We walk a lot too.

Saying all that.It’s took me years to get here but I’ve very unhealthy family members and a parent that died younger because of life choices. I don’t want to be in that position. It’s easy for me to list it all but only you know why you eat and how you could try and change your lifestyle. You also need to be realistic .

So for example if I'm unchecked, not in the zone diet wise and eat what I like, I'd say it's: bacon, eggs, sausage and buttery bread, crisps x 2, 3 portions cereal (looks like nothing in the bowl), chocolate bar, tuna Mayo sandwich (whole tub of sandwich filler meant for 3 sandwiches), then a takeaway (pizza or curry), or a meal from the freezer like pie, chips, beans. Then maybe a bottle or 2 of wine and another bar of chocolate.

I am far from "thin" but it simply would not be on the radar to eat anythjng like that much, ever, on a birthday or on Christmas day or an all inclusive holiday or ever. It would physically hurt and make me feel nauseous.

A birthday for example would be something like

McDonald's breakfast - sausage McMuffin with hash brown and a cappuccino. Maybe a Ferraro Rocher or three.
Artisan chocolate brownie or cupcake for lunch. Cup of tea.
Pizza Hut for tea. 4 slices each of a Large pizza cut into 10 (I share with DH) with the rest saved for lunch tomorrow. 3 or 4 Guylian seashells. Maybe a bottle of beer or a can of Lilt.

I went from a size 10 pre kids and pre hashimotos hypothyroid to a size 14. I could live with been a size 14 as I had no time to really think about me with young kids and working full time etc. However roll on last summer and I was squishing into a size 14. In weighed myself at a friends house, I was 1.5 stone heavier than I was when I was a size 14! That was my lightbulb moment. I looked awful, in photos I could see I looked fat, but mostly I felt like crap and had zero energy. I Joined the gym, which for me was easy as before kids I did a lot of sport, so more like getting my old me back. Cut out the crisps, chocolate, less cheese, less bread and I lost 1.5 stone over 5 months. My main trigger was to feel healthy again and have more energy.

You need to find that trigger within you whatever it is. I imagine it's different for everyone.

For me, genetics (always been thin) and a naturally small appetite usually - I like to snack or have small meals rather than huge portions, I'm a grazer. Oh and as others say, not having treats in the house all the time, my hubby isn't naturally thin so he doesn't like to be tempted at home!

At the moment, I'm too thin and this is due to breastfeeding - currently eating everything in sight in an attempt to gain/maintain weight! I know, seems like a great problem to have but it's not good as I was already thin to begin with...

I excersise a fuck ton. Hiking, spinning, running, lifting. No way could I give up nice food. I used to have the metabolism of dreams so never needed to diet untill I turned thirty and my arse and thighs just seemed to swell.
I realised I couldn't diet so had to start excercising instead.

What stops you eating a tub of icecream or picking up a large bar of chocolate instead of a small one or one bag of crisps instead of a family size bag?

1. I have a dislike, almost a fear, of being too full, which stops me eating too much - have you thought that you may have lost the ability to discern when you are hungry or have actually satisfied your physical need but it's then a mental / emotional trigger that you can't control?

1. I can't eat heavily processed food, apologies for the candour, but it's awful, too sweet, salty or greasy and it puts me off. Maybe that comes from years of telling myself this, but I have no problem resisting all that junk!

1. There is a huge element of self-esteem involved. ie not wanting to harm your own body with big doses of stuff that's unhealthy (back to the excessive salt, sugar, fat) It will probably take you time to work through your real relationship with food incl whether it's a substitute for something else that you're lacking in life x my mantra used to be "my body is a temple not a dustbin" until this mindset became second nature.

Definitely agree with not buying junk in the first place!

These are personal opinions based on your question in your OP, I haven't read anyone else's responses, so no judgement on anyone else.

I am very slim and eat lots of chocolate and biscuits. I would have some every day. I like chips, curries, pizza but all will be homemade. I don’t eat takeaways or drink alcohol or have ready meals. I’m vegetarian. I would never eat bacon, eggs and sausage. I’m not very active. For two weeks I’ve struggled from the bed to the sofa and back - (been ill). A typical day would be porridge with raisins, banana and milk, or two slices of toast with peanut butter. Lunch was baked potato with ratatouille filling and cheese, chocolate cake, two apples. Snack was cheese sandwich. I also had a Complan drink to give some extra calories and nutrition. Dinner will be butternut squash risotto. A few cups of tea, two glasses of orange juice. There’s a 200g bar of chocolate here just looking at me, which I’ll eat later.

I eat only when I'm hungry, as defined with physical hunger cues.

I don't eat just because it's a mealtime or because everyone else is eating. I don't eat just to be polite and I'm not afraid to stop eating and leave food. I don't restrict foods, but unless I am actually physically hungry, I don't eat them. And I definitely don't snack or graze. We have plenty of those kinds of things in the house but they don't really interest me.

@Hohofortherobbers there’s some truth to that too.
I saw something a while ago that looked into the history and genetics of people who struggled to lose and keep weight off. The ins and outs of it was this for example: If you are of Irish decent, and your great grandmother was pregnant during a famine, her body would have thrown all its resources at keeping her baby alive. As a result, the baby’s dna is altered to make it store as much body fat as possible. Those genetic changes are then passed down through generations and your body doesn’t get the memo that it’s not going to be subjected to a famine like your great grandmother was.

Partly it's perception though, too. Somebody said they were 'slim' upthread. They have a BMI slightly above mine, but I don't consider myself 'slim' because I have a tummy (although Covid has taken care of half a stone!). So people all have a different image of 'slim' in their minds.

I think it's a combination of eating well, moving, and knowing limits. I know that I have increased my appetite over the years, which explains the extra 7 or so kg that I carried. At 5'8", that gave me a bit of a tummy, but for a shorter woman, it would be the difference between obese and not obese.

It's not a case of eating a smaller bar of chocolate or less ice-cream.
Most slim people rarely eat those things. they are an occasional treat. they are not real food.

How do you know this?

At my work place, most of us slim people will still have a snack of a smell bag of crisps/choc bar at break time every day.

I can tell you why I am obese - food has, at times, been my only strategy for dealing with my feelings. It’s got nothing to do with willpower, nothing to do with wanting or not wanting to be obese. Little to do with genetics. I use food the same as a smoker uses cigarettes or an alcoholic uses alcohol. It allows me to escape.

I have a very good off button, it's a pity it can't be put into tablet form.
If my clothes get tight I'm ruthless about dropping a few pounds. I've never gone up a size.
I like being active and prefer healthy food.

My experience of being an obese child were so painful, that even 40 years later no sacrifice or effort is too great to make sure I never go back there.