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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my friend is being ridiculous ?

101 replies

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 25/10/2021 21:33

A bit of background first. OH is an ok dad and partner. Not amazing, not bad , somewhere in the middle. I do more than him purely because of my hours and because I'm around more, especially now that he works away and only home in the weekends. He has no issues with me going out or nursing my hangover the next day, keeping DD away and busy and doing housework, including when I'm ill. He's good enough for me. He drives a lot and has a very hard,physical job plus being outside in all weathers. Poor sod has a really rough time sometimes.

Friend asked Friday if I fancy a (long)day out on Saturday. I said no as OH was coming home and wanted to spend time with him, he had a cold and feeling shitty plus a bit unfair to leave him with everything (this is probably where I went wrong) while I'm out all day. I'm also tired from work. I did suggest a big day out once he stops working away (in 3 weeks) or doing something in half term with the kids , or them coming over and staying at ours over half term, or go out for a but while DD was at a sleepover this week. Plenty of alternatives and opportunities to spend time together, including just us grownups.

She got very upset and starting attacking OH that he's not pulling his weight , that I do everything while he's gone (at work!!) , that I deserve some time away from DD . I just said look I'm not up for it, these are the other options, let me know if you want to do something else.

Haven't heard from her until today until she messaged me with "is it safe to talk?" I said "yes ,sure what's up?" . She sent me some pics and links about controlling relationships, cycle of abuse and once again gave a huge speech about how useless OH is as a partner and father, that he can't even look after his kid for one day , pulling every thing i ever moaned about (seriously regretting it now) etc. and why can't I just see I'm being a door mat, running after him and washing his pants and whole lot of other shit.

I'm just sat here thinking what the fuck and with no idea what to reply or if to even reply at all?

OP posts:

Monsterpumpkins · 25/10/2021 21:35

Well obviously she is no friend and doesn't really know you at all. Tbh I would consider whether she has told anyone else her findings... She wants to be a hero and save you. She will want recognition for this...
I would be enraged...

Chloemol · 25/10/2021 21:38

Just text back thanks but I don’t need this, me relationship is fine and I am very sad you think it isn’t. I tried to explain OH is away a lot,this is our only chance to do family stuff, I offered you other dates and you declined

Dont send me stuff like this again

Hankunamatata · 25/10/2021 21:47

I'd just send her a laughing emoji face back

Original poster

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 25/10/2021 21:50

@Chloemol

Dont send me stuff like this again

I'll probably send something along these lines. I just can't figure out where she got all that from and if that's really how she sees me/us.

If it is... I don't even think this friendship can be saved.

OP posts:

LoathesomeLinsey · 25/10/2021 21:52

I did (I'm so sorry) laugh a little at her ridiculousness. Yanbu. She's being quite odd I think.

My oh is much the same as yours fwiw and I've never had the leaflets on coercive abuse or whatever, but have definitely had the "what?! You want to let him have a rest at the weekend? But surely you have them ALL WEEK". But I don't! We both work in the week and try to split things.

HalfpastFlea · 25/10/2021 21:52

So why can't he look after his child for a day? Are you not entitled to equal free time as he has every evening whilst he's away working?

SomePosters · 25/10/2021 21:55

Rather than have a visceral reaction try hearing her out

Sometimes our friends see stuff we choose to gloss over

Also sometimes people are just cracked

But if you’re so sure she’s wrong then taking some time to listen and process can’t do any harm can it?

stillonthattightrope · 25/10/2021 21:59

Is there anything in what she says? Has she watched you feeling put upon over the years and not being available for plans?

It's hard because it's important to be able to share stuff with friends from little niggles to a big crisis. But you do need to accept that friends aren't going to forget that knowledge. So in your friend's head, is she piecing all this together and reaching a conclusion you don't agree with?
Her approach might have been a bit full on but does she have a point at all?

Original poster

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 25/10/2021 21:59

@HalfpastFlea

So why can't he look after his child for a day? Are you not entitled to equal free time as he has every evening whilst he's away working?

He can , and he probably would've if i had asked. But he had a nasty cold , was knackered from work/driving/feeling shitty and I barely see him.

I get breaks when she's at sleepovers /playdates, when he takes her out swimming every weekend and other things, when I make plans to be out . Tbh, I don't necessarily feel the need for a break either. I can get my me time at home with her too.

OP posts:

saraclara · 25/10/2021 22:05

It doesn't appear to have occurred to the friend, (or to anyone on this thread), that maybe OP actually wants to spend time with her husband when he's been away all week.

If my DH had worked away all week, I'd have missed him, and actually wanted to see him rather than have a long day off with a friend.

KeyLimeFly · 25/10/2021 22:06

We might have a mutual friend 😂 I know someone just like this. Massively projects drama/misery/abuse over every tiny little thing. Everything is a ‘red flag’ and not just a slight disagreement or me being considerate of DH (who is absolutely not in any way abusive) she does a lot of head tilting and saying ‘how ARE you?’ I had to massively reduce contact with her in the end sadly which rather played into her abusive DH fantasy.

samwitwicky · 25/10/2021 22:08

@HalfpastFlea

So why can't he look after his child for a day? Are you not entitled to equal free time as he has every evening whilst he's away working?

Of course she's entitled. But she doesn't want to.

saraclara · 25/10/2021 22:09

"Dear friend
DH is my husband. I love him and he's away for five days a week. When he comes home for the weekend I'm happy to see him, and enjoy his company and our family time. I have no idea why you've spun this alternative scenario."

WorraLiberty · 25/10/2021 22:10

@HalfpastFlea

So why can't he look after his child for a day? Are you not entitled to equal free time as he has every evening whilst he's away working?

Did you miss the bit where the OP said he's coming home and she wants to spend some time with him?

Original poster

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 25/10/2021 22:11

@stillonthattightrope

Is there anything in what she says? Has she watched you feeling put upon over the years and not being available for plans?

If I want to go somewhere it's never been an issue. I only had to cancel a few times (in 6 years since we've been friends)because he had to work a Saturday unexpectedly or said I'd be late if it was a weekday because he was running late(traffic/the job overran).

Does she have a point? I think no. Can he be an arsehole, a bit lazy or head either in the clouds or in the sand sometimes? Yes. But so am I. Dunno, we're just normal people (not perfect) in a normal relationship(not perfect).

OP posts:

saraclara · 25/10/2021 22:12

@HalfpastFlea

So why can't he look after his child for a day? Are you not entitled to equal free time as he has every evening whilst he's away working?

I said no as OH was coming home and wanted to spend time with him, he had a cold and feeling shitty plus a bit unfair to leave him with everything (this is probably where I went wrong) while I'm out all day. I'm also tired from work

OP has made it clear that he's normally happy to take over the childcare and domestic stuff. But this weekend he feels rough (he hasn't complained or refused to help, she's just being thoughtful because he's said he's not well) and OP is knackered from work.

Dogknowsbest · 25/10/2021 22:14

From what you've said on here she sounds a bit mad. I know some people do things into situations that just aren't.

Are you sure you haven't said stuff to her before though that has caused her to think this?

Thatsplentyjack · 25/10/2021 22:15

Well, it really depends on what and how much you've been telling her/ moaning to her about.

WonderfulYou · 25/10/2021 22:17

I think you probably moan to her a lot about him (like we all do) and probably say more about his faults/when he’s annoying you than when he’s being normal and decent so she only knows the bad side of him.
You were meant to go out and then he gets a cold so you cancel - if she already thinks he’s a bit controlling them she’s going to think that’s why.

Or you’re blinded and he’s actually worse than you realise.

In future don’t say anything negative about him to her.
She is trying to be a good friend so definitely don’t fall out with her. Why not arrange something for next weekend and have a few drinks kid free to hash it out and clear the air.

Lightswitch123 · 25/10/2021 22:20

@stillonthattightrope

Is there anything in what she says? Has she watched you feeling put upon over the years and not being available for plans?

This.it was probably hard for her to broach this could uou not hear her out then make up your mind?

Original poster

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 25/10/2021 22:22

@Thatsplentyjack

Well, it really depends on what and how much you've been telling her/ moaning to her about.

There's never been anything massive, more"FFS ,really

" type things. Like him losing his keys, looking everywhere including in stupid places like the fridge and the trampoline and then moaning we have too much crap. Or knowing something is kinda broken/not working well doing nothing about it and then getting all sad when it goes really wrong. Stupid and ridiculous stuff. He's an idiot sometimes.

But I also tell her the good things, she knows he's supportive and helpful, that he plays (or played when she was little) with DD more than I did , took her to softplay on his own(I never did), will cook , clean even if not as much as me, is around if/when I need him etc.

I think overall it's a pretty good balance and I definitely thought I portrayed that.

OP posts:

Sittingonabench · 25/10/2021 22:23

I would message her telling her you appreciate the concern but she’s it the wrong end of a stick you weren’t aware she was holding! Don’t give any further details or start justifying as it’s not her business. It sounds like you are both doing as well as you can- trying to keep each other going, healthy and ensure your child is cared for. That’s better than many people manage. No relationship is perfect and complaining and blowing off steam Ona friend is normal - but I would be cautious of doing that with her

3beesinmybonnet · 25/10/2021 22:25

I think she's peeved because she wanted a long day out with you but you said you'd rather be with your DP.

So she's trying to undermine your confidence in your relationship by suggesting your DP is abusive as a punishment.
I can see why you'd rather be with your DP.

Original poster

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 25/10/2021 22:26

@WonderfulYou

I think you probably moan to her a lot about him (like we all do) and probably say more about his faults/when he’s annoying you than when he’s being normal and decent so she only knows the bad side of him. You were meant to go out and then he gets a cold so you cancel - if she already thinks he’s a bit controlling them she’s going to think that’s why.

Or you’re blinded and he’s actually worse than you realise.

I didn't cancel, she asked, I said no and explained why and offered some alternatives. OH didn't even know I was invited, even if he did he'd probably have insisted I went. He never objects to me going out or stumbling in at 4 am drunk or anything like that. All he asks is if i had fun and do I want to go again.

OP posts:

godmum56 · 25/10/2021 22:43

I suspect she might have been projecting her experience on to you?

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