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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my friend is being ridiculous ?

101 replies

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 25/10/2021 21:33

A bit of background first. OH is an ok dad and partner. Not amazing, not bad , somewhere in the middle. I do more than him purely because of my hours and because I'm around more, especially now that he works away and only home in the weekends. He has no issues with me going out or nursing my hangover the next day, keeping DD away and busy and doing housework, including when I'm ill. He's good enough for me. He drives a lot and has a very hard,physical job plus being outside in all weathers. Poor sod has a really rough time sometimes.

Friend asked Friday if I fancy a (long)day out on Saturday. I said no as OH was coming home and wanted to spend time with him, he had a cold and feeling shitty plus a bit unfair to leave him with everything (this is probably where I went wrong) while I'm out all day. I'm also tired from work. I did suggest a big day out once he stops working away (in 3 weeks) or doing something in half term with the kids , or them coming over and staying at ours over half term, or go out for a but while DD was at a sleepover this week. Plenty of alternatives and opportunities to spend time together, including just us grownups.

She got very upset and starting attacking OH that he's not pulling his weight , that I do everything while he's gone (at work!!) , that I deserve some time away from DD . I just said look I'm not up for it, these are the other options, let me know if you want to do something else.

Haven't heard from her until today until she messaged me with "is it safe to talk?" I said "yes ,sure what's up?" . She sent me some pics and links about controlling relationships, cycle of abuse and once again gave a huge speech about how useless OH is as a partner and father, that he can't even look after his kid for one day , pulling every thing i ever moaned about (seriously regretting it now) etc. and why can't I just see I'm being a door mat, running after him and washing his pants and whole lot of other shit.

I'm just sat here thinking what the fuck and with no idea what to reply or if to even reply at all?

OP posts:

Cherrysoup · 26/10/2021 14:09

I think I’d tell her you need some space from her. She sounds like she has an overactive imagination.

NorthSouthcatlady · 26/10/2021 14:18

What’s wrong with giving him some consideration and wanting to spend some time with him? I think both of those are good things. I always appreciate it when my partner shows me consideration

Love the way you acknowledge you are normal people in a normal relationship. I know l am fair from perfect and so is my partner. We are all just trying to get through life

Welshiefluff · 26/10/2021 14:26

I wonder why she has an ex rather than a partner. lol

cheninblanc · 26/10/2021 14:31

I read this as the op wants to support her partner as he isn't well, she wants to spend some time with him and there isn't really a big deal. I'd reply to the friend and say exactly that, that she's making more out of it than needed

Thepennysjustdropped · 26/10/2021 14:33

Your best bet is to say something along the lines of "I know you're trying to help, but there's no need. The way we sort things out works for us. As I said, I'd be happy to see you next week (or whatever)." IMO with people poking their noses in, don't give them too much information, or you're forced to try to justify everything. "It works for us" should suffice.

dworky · 26/10/2021 14:51

OP has made it clear that he's normally happy to take over the childcare and domestic stuff.

It shouldn't be taking over, it is his equal responsibility for being a father & living in a home.
I think your friend has a point.

Original poster

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 26/10/2021 15:13

@dworky

OP has made it clear that he's normally happy to take over the childcare and domestic stuff.

It shouldn't be taking over, it is his equal responsibility for being a father & living in a home.
I think your friend has a point.

At the moment he's not around enough to take over or whatever you want to call it.

At the weekends he does the food shop and whatever else we need, takes DD out swimming on the Sunday and skate park on Saturdays if the weather is nice. If there are any chores left we split them. Or we just say fuck it and chill and catch up some other time.

OP posts:

TheQueenOfTheNight · 26/10/2021 15:23

Just say that it doesn't suit this week and change the subject.
If she wasn't single, she wouldn't be looking to spend so much time with you.
It sounds like she'd quite like you both to be single.

PinkSyCo · 26/10/2021 15:26

Sounds like your friend has been spending far too much time on Mumsnet to me. She also sounds a lot more controlling than your DH.

Eralos · 26/10/2021 15:44

Yanbu

Nowomenaroundeh · 26/10/2021 16:06

Ugh I've had situations with a particular friend where on the face of it look different to what you've described but I've felt like I suspect you do now.

I remember once going through a bad breakup. I did the inevitable cliche stages; dramatic weightless, some wild nights out drowning my sorrows etc. It got go the end of a particularly tiring week at work, I was having a glass of wine with some colleagues and looking forward to heading back to my apartment for a takeaway and a romcom. I was feeling ok overall.

My friend had invited me to an event during the week that was on nearby promising me it would be lots of fun. I had declined as it's not really my thing and she had pressed it again that day. I reiterated that it wasn't my thing and I had a night in planned for myself regardless. We always drank in the same bar after work so it wasn't hugely surprising that she found me there with a hugely dramatic explanation of how she just had to stop by and talk sense into me. She told my colleagues (we were a smal team and good friends for a time) how she was simply not allowing me to sit at home heartbroken and had a fun night out planned for us. I was exhausted, had greasy hair, no money for a big night out and no interest. But her alleged concern was so convincing everyone got involved saying I deserved to let my hair down, I must go, there was no point wallowing and so forth. When I protested I had had too many fun nights out recently and no money she insisted she lend money until payday next week.

Feeling ganged up on i went to the event where it became immediately apparent she just needed a companion as she wanted to go to run into a particular person but had not felt comfortable showing up alone. I felt completely used and utterly peeved. This wasn't helped by an email waiting for me in my work inbox to pay her back the money I owed her as soon as I was paid.

Your friend just wanted you to go out with her and was manipulative and underhand in getting what she wanted. I think your reply was perfect and you should refuse to engage with the topic again. I'd take a step back from this friendship too.

VillageOf8 · 26/10/2021 16:07

People need to stop telling their friends/family all their relationship issues. It's not their concern and as you can see, friends/family can misinterpret it. They also remember it and judge long after you forgot all about it. Small issues should be worked out between you and your partner unless it's something bad where you need others' support to get out safely.

I've had a couple friends in the past who complained how bad their OH treated them to the point where I thought they were being abused/controlled. When I gave my friends resources for abused women, they got highly offended. I then set my boundary and told them to stop telling me their marital issues then as I'm not their spouse or therapist. Don't just offload your issues onto your friends and not expect them to interpret it their own way and react.

I also had a friend like yours, she was jealous when I met my husband and kept implying he was using me and cheating on me (he never did either) just because she was lonely and bitter. I don't tolerate that nonsense and cut her off. In a couple weeks, have your friend over and see how the convo goes. If you get the impression she's being manipulative, kick her out your home and cut her off. Don't feel guilty about cutting off toxic "friends"

IntermittentParps · 26/10/2021 16:36

@AccidentallyOnPurpose

Well I got an apology that wasn't really an apology. The gist of it was , that a good friend wouldn't dump her friends for a man , I knew that she needed this fun day out and since she always thought I was such a good friend and the few bits I moaned about she assumed the problem is him. It's the assumption that she then apologised for. She then asked if she can come over and stay tomorrow, have a drink and clear the air. Tbh I don't want her to.

It seems to be a mix of what PP's have said and I know I have my part of the blame for moaning about OH and giving her "ammunition ".

She sounds tiring and self-centred. She's a good friend though so I'd see what she has to say in person; explain again, let her talk and give her a chance.

iklboogiemaninthecloset · 26/10/2021 16:56

Send her a picture of the universe and point out it doesn't revolve around her.

IntermittentParps · 26/10/2021 16:56

@iklboogiemaninthecloset

Send her a picture of the universe and point out it doesn't revolve around her.

That's made me snort

Original poster

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 26/10/2021 17:11

Everyone is being so sensible and measures and I feel like a total nutcase. Last night I was WTF, this morning hurt and now I'm just well and truly pissed off. I don't actually want to see her, definitely not this week.

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 26/10/2021 17:35

@HalfpastFlea

So why can't he look after his child for a day? Are you not entitled to equal free time as he has every evening whilst he's away working?

But the OP actually wants some family time, amongst other reasons

Did you read what she wrote?

Nanny0gg · 26/10/2021 17:41

@dworky

OP has made it clear that he's normally happy to take over the childcare and domestic stuff.

It shouldn't be taking over, it is his equal responsibility for being a father & living in a home.
I think your friend has a point.

It is if it's him coming home from being away, so he's not actually been able to do it.

The OP's had to do it all up till now, so he can take over when he's back.

LookItsMeAgain · 26/10/2021 17:43

@AccidentallyOnPurpose

Tell your friend this. (maybe leave out the bit that you feel like a nutcase).

Whereismumhiding3 · 26/10/2021 17:44

OP you don't have to make
plans this with with this friend if you don't want to . You already offered her alternative times- so I'd just repeat those & say you're not free this week.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 26/10/2021 17:53

a good friend wouldn't dump her friends for a man
Except he's not a random man, he's your OH, DC's dad and partner.

She's annoyed you are not available for HER.
I think she would have accepted a hard and fast excuse like booked and paid for a weekend away or going to a wedding, but when its just spending time at home with family - then in her eyes you could easily give that up and do what she wanted.
Its not like you made it plain you didn't want to see her at all. You gave her reasonable alternatives but she wanted you to make her a priority.

And I think the text with all the articles about abusive men were a way of impressing upon you that he's not worth it. Her apology was a bit "meh" I'm guessing she is one of those friends who makes it very difficult when one turns down their suggestions, for whatever reason.

catfunk · 26/10/2021 17:56

I don't think she's being 'ridiculous' as she could easily be right and many friends in her situation are.
However in this instance she's misjudged the situation I'd just assure her of that calmly.

Original poster

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 26/10/2021 18:13

@catfunk

I don't think she's being 'ridiculous' as she could easily be right and many friends in her situation are. However in this instance she's misjudged the situation I'd just assure her of that calmly.

In my experience, if you go in that aggressively to a woman who is in a controlling/abusive relationship it's bound to make things worse. So even if her concerns were genuine, her actions were misguided at best.

OP posts:

Cocomarine · 26/10/2021 18:23

I reckon she just finished watching “Maid” on Netflix and thinks she now knows all about abuse.

I’d forgive a friend who was braving a concern at the risk of being shot. But it was never a real concern was it? It was all about her.

DrManhattan · 26/10/2021 21:33

Are you her only friend ?

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