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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my friend is being ridiculous ?

101 replies

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 25/10/2021 21:33

A bit of background first. OH is an ok dad and partner. Not amazing, not bad , somewhere in the middle. I do more than him purely because of my hours and because I'm around more, especially now that he works away and only home in the weekends. He has no issues with me going out or nursing my hangover the next day, keeping DD away and busy and doing housework, including when I'm ill. He's good enough for me. He drives a lot and has a very hard,physical job plus being outside in all weathers. Poor sod has a really rough time sometimes.

Friend asked Friday if I fancy a (long)day out on Saturday. I said no as OH was coming home and wanted to spend time with him, he had a cold and feeling shitty plus a bit unfair to leave him with everything (this is probably where I went wrong) while I'm out all day. I'm also tired from work. I did suggest a big day out once he stops working away (in 3 weeks) or doing something in half term with the kids , or them coming over and staying at ours over half term, or go out for a but while DD was at a sleepover this week. Plenty of alternatives and opportunities to spend time together, including just us grownups.

She got very upset and starting attacking OH that he's not pulling his weight , that I do everything while he's gone (at work!!) , that I deserve some time away from DD . I just said look I'm not up for it, these are the other options, let me know if you want to do something else.

Haven't heard from her until today until she messaged me with "is it safe to talk?" I said "yes ,sure what's up?" . She sent me some pics and links about controlling relationships, cycle of abuse and once again gave a huge speech about how useless OH is as a partner and father, that he can't even look after his kid for one day , pulling every thing i ever moaned about (seriously regretting it now) etc. and why can't I just see I'm being a door mat, running after him and washing his pants and whole lot of other shit.

I'm just sat here thinking what the fuck and with no idea what to reply or if to even reply at all?

OP posts:
Skinnytan · 26/10/2021 12:14

Don't let her stay. Perfectly normal for you to want to be with your husband. She is just annoyed you didn't pick her over him and is now digging a big ole hole

Allsorts1 · 26/10/2021 12:29

Don’t ditch your friend for caring about you and coming to a conclusion based on what you tell her. Don’t be defensive or push her away because you’re offended. We all need good friends. It sounds like she’s got the wrong end of the stick so just gently put her right and tell her you’re happy you have a friend who cares about you but that there really is no need for her to worry x

Allsorts1 · 26/10/2021 12:31

I recently told a friend that she was entitled to be happy in her relationship and asked her if she was sure her DP was right for her, after repeated messages from her about how lonely and sad she was and how miserable in the relationship she was. I was perfectly gentle and just wanted to remind her that she deserves to be with someone who lifts her up but she came down like a tonne of bricks on me accusing me of “putting doubt” in her mind about him etc. I apologised to her but haven’t really looked at our friendship the same since.

SquidGame0456 · 26/10/2021 12:32

Do you notice that your friend is making all this about her? Ranting on about you dumping your friends for a man? Does she have a partner? If so I'd guess their relationship is shit. She sounds so self-obsessed. Though perhaps I'm projecting as I've had 2 friends like that and they drained the life out of me and both got weird about my partners. Very self-obsessed though and needed male attention so possibly an element of jealousy.

Is she a good friend normally? Or does she make everything about herself?

SpeakingFranglais · 26/10/2021 12:33

I think she spends too much time on MN to be honest Grin

She has probably got those ideas from here and is all for LTB

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 26/10/2021 12:33

You can't blame her for thinking that things you've often complained about are the reality of your relationship.
What if you said look, I know I moan about X, y, z and I can see why you think that's all there is to it but there's as much good as not and just because I don't tell you all the good stuff doesn't mean it's not there.

User2638483 · 26/10/2021 12:36

I think it comes from a good place, and she’s looking out for you. Probably projecting or has has experience of this with another friend.
So I would probably reply thanking her for looking out for you but it is genuinely your choice and she doesn’t need to worry.

LagunaBubbles · 26/10/2021 12:45

So why can't he look after his child for a day? Are you not entitled to equal free time as he has every evening whilst he's away working?

So you read the fact that he's normally pretty good and also the OP actually wants to spend time with him because she barely sees him....and still came up with that anti man rubbish?

LoathesomeLinsey · 26/10/2021 12:50

@AccidentallyOnPurpose

Well I got an apology that wasn't really an apology. The gist of it was , that a good friend wouldn't dump her friends for a man , I knew that she needed this fun day out and since she always thought I was such a good friend and the few bits I moaned about she assumed the problem is him. It's the assumption that she then apologised for. She then asked if she can come over and stay tomorrow, have a drink and clear the air. Tbh I don't want her to.

It seems to be a mix of what PP's have said and I know I have my part of the blame for moaning about OH and giving her "ammunition ".

She sounds about 15. I wouldn't want to hang out with her either tbh.
mountbattenbergcake · 26/10/2021 12:53

Well I got an apology that wasn't really an apology. The gist of it was , that a good friend wouldn't dump her friends for a man

So she doesn't actually give a shit about you, she's just annoyed that you won't do what she wants.

I knew that she needed this fun day out and since she always thought I was such a good friend and the few bits I moaned about she assumed the problem is him.

Well tough tits, why would you prioritise the needs of a friend over the needs of your family, one of whom is ill and you haven't been able to spend time with?

It's the assumption that she then apologised for. She then asked if she can come over and stay tomorrow, have a drink and clear the air. Tbh I don't want her to.

It seems to be a mix of what PP's have said and I know I have my part of the blame for moaning about OH and giving her "ammunition ".

So she just wants to be entertained by you and fed and watered.

Does she ever invite you to stay over?

I would say no.

MintyGreenDream · 26/10/2021 12:53

I think she's a secret Mnetter and been on here too long

upaladderagain · 26/10/2021 12:57

My thoughts exactly Minty

LemonTT · 26/10/2021 13:05

She sounds like she is desperate for company or desperate for a drinking buddy. I suspect the later.

Fleshmechanic · 26/10/2021 13:05

Is she single lol? Sounds like someone who doesn't understand give and take in a relationship. He sounds fine and like he does his fair share tbh. What has washing his underwear got to do with it, whoever does the washing washes everyone's underwear and that happens to be you lol, I'm the same 😆.

todaysdilemma · 26/10/2021 13:08

The apology was fine, sort of, but the fact she's still forcing herself on you and obliging you to hang out is so manipulative. Surely, discussing this can happen on a weekend you're actually free!! It's like she still doesn't get that you don't want to hang out with her in any capacity that weekend.

Don't let her come over. She'll monopolise your time, guilt you and just ruin your family time with this stressful convo.

Wotsitsits · 26/10/2021 13:12

You've probably been moaning away at her about DH for ages and she's rightly concerned.

I have a friend like you. Honestly some of the stuff she's told me has made me really worried for her and at one point I told her to consider leaving him. That pissed her off! I learned my lesson and now when she moans about her DH I STFU and change the topic as quickly as possible. I wish she would shut up about him if she's not going to change anything, it's really boring for me to hear it and just depressing all round.

Tulips15 · 26/10/2021 13:15

@Chloemol

Just text back thanks but I don’t need this, me relationship is fine and I am very sad you think it isn’t. I tried to explain OH is away a lot,this is our only chance to do family stuff, I offered you other dates and you declined

Dont send me stuff like this again

And add that she is incredibly rude!
Original poster
AccidentallyOnPurpose · 26/10/2021 13:15

@Thundercats77

Does she have a OH?

TBQH she sounds peeved off that you are opting for time with your DH and have said no to her, she's been rejected. You quite clearly didn't make plans with her and cancel. she's making you feel bad thinking that you will retaliate with "I'm my own woman, no man controls me, yes friend, I will come out with you".

She sounds quite controlling and manipulating herself.

Don't let her come over, say you are busy. Give it a few days. She clearly knows she has fucked up and that you aren't easily manipulated.

Not at the moment. Her ex does have her kids every other weekend so I wonder if she feels she must take advantage of the free time or just doesn't know what do with herself without kids or a partner/doesn't want to be alone.

The irony is , that coming on so strong would just make me dig my heels in even more and definitely not want to go. I'm a stubborn cow.

OP posts:
NataliaSerene · 26/10/2021 13:17

@Allsorts1

Don’t ditch your friend for caring about you and coming to a conclusion based on what you tell her. Don’t be defensive or push her away because you’re offended. We all need good friends. It sounds like she’s got the wrong end of the stick so just gently put her right and tell her you’re happy you have a friend who cares about you but that there really is no need for her to worry x
But it wasn’t in response to anything other than “this weekend does not work for me.”

She is calling someone putting their own family first “dumping a friend for a man.” It’s all about her and her needs. Sounds like she wants OP to be single so she can hang out and drink whenever it suits.

LoathesomeLinsey · 26/10/2021 13:19

I think she might be incredibly bored and is desperate to create drama and insert herself into it tbh.

Definitely never moan about dh to her again though.

StormTreader · 26/10/2021 13:19

Anyone who starts the "a real friend would.." song is on a warning from me, real friends don't try and hold their friends hostage.

Therealjudgejudy · 26/10/2021 13:30

She sounds like a manipulative drama queen!

Tell her you are too busy to see her because you WANT to spend some time with your husband

LookItsMeAgain · 26/10/2021 13:47

I'd respond by saying something along these lines : "I'm not in the mood at the moment for you to come over, stay over, have a drink and 'clear the air'. My air is fine thanks. You got the wrong end of the stick about me and my DH. I know him and our situation better than you do so while your 'advice' was well intentioned, it was way off the mark. I need time to reflect on how you see me and DH before I'd be interested in meeting up again."

She seems blunt in her replies to you so if I were replying to her, I'd be equally direct.

LoathesomeLinsey · 26/10/2021 13:48

@LookItsMeAgain

I'd respond by saying something along these lines : "I'm not in the mood at the moment for you to come over, stay over, have a drink and 'clear the air'. My air is fine thanks. You got the wrong end of the stick about me and my DH. I know him and our situation better than you do so while your 'advice' was well intentioned, it was way off the mark. I need time to reflect on how you see me and DH before I'd be interested in meeting up again."

She seems blunt in her replies to you so if I were replying to her, I'd be equally direct.

I dunno about this response tbh... it sounds bit defensive.

I'd just say "no, I can't do this weekend as I want to spend time with dh". Then ignore her. She's being a tit.

Blackmagicqueen · 26/10/2021 14:02

I have a similar friend who will try to reorganise my life when I tell her a valid reason I can’t make something, she then will ask numerous times in case ‘I change my mind!’ Shock ! For this reason I keep my distance.