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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my friend is being ridiculous ?

101 replies

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 25/10/2021 21:33

A bit of background first. OH is an ok dad and partner. Not amazing, not bad , somewhere in the middle. I do more than him purely because of my hours and because I'm around more, especially now that he works away and only home in the weekends. He has no issues with me going out or nursing my hangover the next day, keeping DD away and busy and doing housework, including when I'm ill. He's good enough for me. He drives a lot and has a very hard,physical job plus being outside in all weathers. Poor sod has a really rough time sometimes.

Friend asked Friday if I fancy a (long)day out on Saturday. I said no as OH was coming home and wanted to spend time with him, he had a cold and feeling shitty plus a bit unfair to leave him with everything (this is probably where I went wrong) while I'm out all day. I'm also tired from work. I did suggest a big day out once he stops working away (in 3 weeks) or doing something in half term with the kids , or them coming over and staying at ours over half term, or go out for a but while DD was at a sleepover this week. Plenty of alternatives and opportunities to spend time together, including just us grownups.

She got very upset and starting attacking OH that he's not pulling his weight , that I do everything while he's gone (at work!!) , that I deserve some time away from DD . I just said look I'm not up for it, these are the other options, let me know if you want to do something else.

Haven't heard from her until today until she messaged me with "is it safe to talk?" I said "yes ,sure what's up?" . She sent me some pics and links about controlling relationships, cycle of abuse and once again gave a huge speech about how useless OH is as a partner and father, that he can't even look after his kid for one day , pulling every thing i ever moaned about (seriously regretting it now) etc. and why can't I just see I'm being a door mat, running after him and washing his pants and whole lot of other shit.

I'm just sat here thinking what the fuck and with no idea what to reply or if to even reply at all?

OP posts:

WTF475878237NC · 25/10/2021 22:44

I don't have friends who would just send things like this to me on a whim. My friends would only be motivated to do something having considered the best way to broach it for some time. If a friend did this to me I would know they were genuinely concerned and either picking up on how I had "settled" and was not really happy but misinterpreting this or how I was actually in a bad relationship.

I'm not sure if this is a genuine friend, but if so, something must have led up to her sending this. Otherwise she is not really what I'd call a friend at all.

ClareBlue · 25/10/2021 22:48

So she asked if you wanted to go out to which you usually agree on a regular basis. Butt this time you said no you were spending time with your partner who had been away and was not feeling well, but you could do some other definite days, she said you are in an abusive controlling relationship.
Well it comes across are irrational, unless there is a lot more than you are saying.

gofg · 25/10/2021 22:51

So why can't he look after his child for a day? Are you not entitled to equal free time as he has every evening whilst he's away working?

Maybe read the original post and try to stop seeing everything from an "all men are bastards" perspective.

Kuachui · 25/10/2021 22:55

see this would annoy me because me and my husband like spending time together and tbh a lot more than i would like to spend with a friend, would feel it even more so if he worked away every day

todaysdilemma · 25/10/2021 22:56

She sounds like she's projecting her own unhappiness on you. It's such a bonkers reaction, almost like she can't comprehend you may prefer to see your OH after he's been away for a week... If not projection, she's just annoyed that you're not at her beck and call this time around.

I would reply to her and say "Thanks for the concern. But I think my OH is great, which is exactly why I am choosing to spend my weekend with him. You, on the other hand need to manage your disappointment about the change in weekend plans better. Here are some resources that may help." Then send her links to emotional manipulation and coping with disappointment type articles.

Unless she apologises for overstepping the mark, I would give her a wide berth. It's one thing to gently question if things are ok, quite another to go so heavy into the domestic abuse scenario triggered only by your refusal to accomodate her! It's almost like she wants your relationship to be in trouble.

Lindy2 · 25/10/2021 23:04

It sounds like she's jealous. She wanted to go out for the day with you and she's pissed off you're choosing to see your husband instead of her.

Is she in a good relationship? If she doesn't understand you choosing to stay with your DH I would guess probably not.

Original poster

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 25/10/2021 23:04

I've replied.

"Look , I don't know what's going on or where you got all this from , but you know me, and x and none of this applies to us. I chose not to go out for various reasons as I've explained so I don't know why you're blaming X when he doesn't even know about it. I'm upset that that's how you see him, and if I gave that impression then I'm partly to blame. I'm even more upset that that's how you see me."

Depending on what she comes back with I'll decide what to do next.

OP posts:

Snaketime · 25/10/2021 23:14

I think she wanted to do what ever it was she asked you to do, was sure you would say yes and is now pissed because you said no and she can't go. So she is projecting onto your DH blaming him as she is convincing herself you wouldn't say no otherwise. She is also probably hoping you will agree to go to change her mind and prove that your DH isn't controlling.

beautifulview · 26/10/2021 05:27

I think your message was great. How she responds will tell you if she’s a genuine friend or not

Original poster

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 26/10/2021 10:50

Well I got an apology that wasn't really an apology. The gist of it was , that a good friend wouldn't dump her friends for a man , I knew that she needed this fun day out and since she always thought I was such a good friend and the few bits I moaned about she assumed the problem is him. It's the assumption that she then apologised for. She then asked if she can come over and stay tomorrow, have a drink and clear the air. Tbh I don't want her to.

It seems to be a mix of what PP's have said and I know I have my part of the blame for moaning about OH and giving her "ammunition ".

OP posts:

Goblina · 26/10/2021 11:06

Is she single/lonely?

NataliaSerene · 26/10/2021 11:23

She sounds really manipulative. I have a blanket policy of avoiding anyone who uses the phrase “clear the air” because I find it usually means they get to tell you all of your shortcomings while ignoring their own bad behavior.

Definitely don’t let her come to your house - you won’t be able to just leave.

What do you plan to do?

Thundercats77 · 26/10/2021 11:27

Does she have a OH?

TBQH she sounds peeved off that you are opting for time with your DH and have said no to her, she's been rejected. You quite clearly didn't make plans with her and cancel. she's making you feel bad thinking that you will retaliate with "I'm my own woman, no man controls me, yes friend, I will come out with you".

She sounds quite controlling and manipulating herself.

Don't let her come over, say you are busy. Give it a few days. She clearly knows she has fucked up and that you aren't easily manipulated.

saraclara · 26/10/2021 11:29

a good friend wouldn't dump her friends for a man

FFS. You've not dumped her. You have just said you're not available that day. What a huge drama queen she is, and how egotistical of her to think that she should come before your DH and DC!

I certainly wouldn't agree to her coming round at the moment.

NataliaSerene · 26/10/2021 11:30

I can’t believe she referred to you wanting to be with your own husband, father of your children, as choosing “a man” over her. It’s not some guy you picked up in a bar a few days ago.

crossstitchcat · 26/10/2021 11:36

You dumped your friend for a man. Fgs. He's your husband and you have children together.
Is she 16

Johnnypiratesfriend · 26/10/2021 11:39

I'm with you op. Hubby and I love spending time together. I find people who put their friendships before their partner werid tbh. I have lost friends because of this in the past. (surprisingly I have not lost my hubby when my friends needed me).
I would have sent this text back. Wow thanks for drawing my attention to this, I forget that controlling behaviour also applies to friendship too. Well done for admitting you have control issues. I am willing to help you but I need to create some boundaries. One of which is I will chose how to spend my time and who I have in my life.

FatCatThinCat · 26/10/2021 11:40

Message her back telling her you agree that controlling, coercive relationships are really bad so can she please stop trying to control and coerce you into doing something you've already made clear you're not doing.

DysmalRadius · 26/10/2021 11:43

A good friend doesn't try to cause a rift in their friend's relationship just because they want a day out! I can't believe she is describing spending time with your family as 'dumping her for a man' - that's really manipulative and self-serving.

billy1966 · 26/10/2021 11:51

OP,

I would be wary of this "friend".

Dumping a friend for a man?
Wtf.

This is your husband.
If he is away alot, it really is very normal for you to want to be with the family unit for your child to see the family together, when time is limited.

I was in the same situation a decade ago.
Husband away a lot and I saw friends when he was away but when he was home I had zero interest in going out for a night.
I wanted to chill and enjoy the second set of hands on board.

She sounds off and I would be suspicious of her motives if things are as you describe.

She asked, you said No thanks, offered alternatives and she can't accept your No, so sends you this stuff?

I wouldn't be impressed at all.

I certainly would also be wondeting what she might be saying to others.

I certainly wouldn't ever feel comfortable bitching about your husband again with her.

Clear the air?
She over stepped.
Her half apology is very poor.

Have a hard think about this friendship.

2bazookas · 26/10/2021 11:56

She's OTT.

I'd reply wte " You meant well but please don't play the drama queen. Seems we don't really know each other as well as we thought."

Sparklfairy · 26/10/2021 11:56

@AccidentallyOnPurpose

It seems to be a mix of what PP's have said and I know I have my part of the blame for moaning about OH and giving her "ammunition ".

So she's making it all about her now and how much she 'needs' this, laying on the guilt trip and manipulation, and has sort of admitted she's just lashed out and blamed him simply because she's not getting her own way.

I wouldn't cave and have her over tbh, it kind of sends the message you're a bit of a walkover.

HeartsAndClubs · 26/10/2021 12:04

As I was reading your OP I wondered how many posts it would take for someone to come along and say that you’re in a controlling relationship, and I see it only took about 3 posts.

Reality is that there are some who are desperate to prove to people that they are clearly in abusive relationships. I see it on here time and time again, where someone posts about something their partner has said, and within a page or two the masses have convinced her that she’s in an abusive relationship and should get the hell out.

It’s perfectly normal to want to spend time with your partner when he’s been at work all week.

It’s perfectly reasonable to decline an invite from a friend on the basis you haven’t seen your partner all week and want to spend some time with him.

Ignore her and the people on this thread who seem to be desperate to make you destroy your relationship for whatever reason.

NataliaSerene · 26/10/2021 12:05

I think that might be the end of our friendship. She was punishing you for not wanting to hang out with her by accusing your DH of abusing you. Now she’s trying to force you to spend time with her through guilt, despite knowing that the time she’s chosen does not work for her.

MinnieGirl · 26/10/2021 12:12

@saraclara

"Dear friend DH is my husband. I love him and he's away for five days a week. When he comes home for the weekend I'm happy to see him, and enjoy his company and our family time. I have no idea why you've spun this alternative scenario."

This is perfect

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