to want advice from female breadwinners

[bumfeckbingo]

My DP has just totally bitten my head off and I'm struggling to not feel really shit.

Over the last few years I have been the one earning the majority of our income. DP has said this makes him feel bad and that he wants his current business venture to work out and mean we are more 50/50 on earning, like we used to be.

I make sure I divvy up the funds so we both have spending money etc. He isn't extravagant or anything but obviously things are tighter on one income rather than two. I really, really try not to make a big deal of this as I know he feels bad about the situation.

Just for balance a few years ago I lost the job I had at the time. He transferred money to my account, paid for things, gave me his card etc and never asked how much I had spent or on what. He never pressured me to hurry up and find work either, he just left me to it. I wasn't buying designer handbags or anything but I appreciated how he made an effort to preserve my sense of independence. Even though I was essentially dependent on him, it never felt like that. I would say I was un/under employed for around 8 months.

Fast forward to now and I am earning well and he isn't. I know he feels bad about it and I'm trying my best but sometimes like just now it feels like I'm getting punished for being the main earner when I go out of my way to not make a big deal of that.

Sorry if this doesn't read very well, I'm just so upset.

Does anyone have any experience of this and if so, what made it better? He seems so resentful of the situation which is hard because I am doing my best.

Why is he not earning as much as he’d like to? Is it because his business is struggling? Or does it just have less potential for bringing a lot in that what he was doing before? I’m not sure it matters, actually- either way he accepted the situation when he decided to do this. If he’s finding it doesn’t work for him he needs to take steps to increase his income, not try and take his inferiority complex out on you.

Making you feel bad because he doesn't earn what he'd like is a classic male response. I have no helpful suggestions unfortunately other than to remind you that you don't exist just to make him feel better.

Sounds like he needs to grow up.
What did he bit your head off about?

@Boood I personally think the potential is there but I don't get too involved. I have my own stuff to worry and think about! I can tell he is very frustrated about his situation but alienating me, like you say, won't make our lives better.

@PerfectPuppy I interrupted his work by speaking to him.

I think you have to sit down and have an honest conversation about it. Yes he might feel bad but it's not unusual in a couple for one to earn more and so he needs to clarify why it makes him feel so bad that it's not him. He shouldn't make you feel bad about it.

I earn about double what DH does now but over the years he has supported us through 2 lots of maternity leave and me working very part time when DCs were small. Now we just see this as me balancing that out although it wouldn't matter to him if it was the other way round either.

If it's just some male ego thing, he's being silly. As long as you are financialy managing and each have fair access to any spare money, what's the issue? Are you both paying proportionately towards houshold bills and expenses?

Well, his approach was to just hand you a card and pay for more things himself. Whilst you say you “divvy up”. So that does rather sounds like all the money is yours and some has to be given to him. Do you want to expand on that, because they do sound like different approaches.

That said - he shouldn’t be biting your head off for speaking. And it sounds like those wasn’t even about money?

@PhoboPhobia I cover most of the bills and costs atm. We each have access to spare money. Of course sometimes there isn't that much spare money, whereas when we both worked we both had our own spare funds and so forth.

I have accepted that it's my job at least for now to pay for things but he seems so angry about the situation. I'll try talking to him again at some point, he just says I'm fair about money but he still hates not earning more. Honestly, I think that's part of the issue, he can't view the situation clearly because he's so focused on the income he's lost sight of the actual reality.

I wouldn’t be doing any emotional pandering. If he feels bad and wants to be contributing more equally then he knows what to do - give up on his low-paying business venture and take a job with a proper salary. If he doesn’t want to do that then he doesn’t get to take his bruised ego out on you. I’d be as direct with him as that. His ego doesn’t take priority over you. Frankly, if he’s been faffing about with a “business” which hasn’t paid him a proper income for “the last few years” I don’t think he even has a business, just an expensive hobby - I’d be telling him it’s time to do some proper work.

I’m currently breadwinner in our house. I treat DP as my equal and make sure he has access to the money he needs. I don’t mind providing for us. I certainly wouldn’tallow him to punish me for his choices.

@Cocomarine Ok so when I was unemployed he paid for everything and then transferred me money or gave me his card if I went to the shop. He got the food shop online. If I had a bit of money I would offer to pay and as I got back on my feet we gravitated back to more of a 50/50 approach.

I currently transfer him money to cover bills and then there is more on top. This is dividing up the spare. If we are out I usually pay. If we get takeaway I pay etc. He can use my card whenever he wants he just doesn't really like to. I get the shopping, both of us have the login so he adds what he wants.

So by divvy up I kind of mean spending money after all bills are dealt with. I really don't make a big deal of it, I just send his share over with the bill money as he sorts those out. Sometimes there isn't that much spare and I think he feels bad using my earnings on himself. So if he was earning well I think he would buy some new, nice clothes for example and he isn't comfortable doing that with "my" money, he will save up what he makes and use that. I get that it must be frustrating.

I am self employed so my income is variable month to month.

He could feel emasculated but that doesn't give him an excuse to bite your head off or talk to you rudely. I'm impressed by your set up though. Hopefully this is transitory and not an example of how he treats you generally in the relationship.

So he wants it both ways? The freedom to develop his business but also the freedom to be mean to you as the main breadwinner?

He sounds like he needs to sort out a few things in his head.

Just to say, if he wanted to arrange the finances differently then that would not be an issue. This arrangement is what he says he wants.

Have you reminded him of what he did for you when you were unemployed? Tell him how much you appreciated the way he handled it and that you're trying to emulate it yourself.

This is not a you problem that you should be fixing. This is a him problem that he needs to look inward and fix, and not take it out on you.

From your posts, it sounds like he is frustrated not being the 'provider' of the household and feels emasculated that his partner is the breadwinner. This is a mentality only he can shift, it isn't anything you can do if you are being fair with finances.

I am the breadwinner in our house. Prior to my DH's recent promotion, I earned nearly double his salary. I still earn significantly more, but he is closing the gap.

He has never, ever, said anything nasty to me about me earning more. He is not bothered at all. We split our finances proportionate to our net take home, so finances are fair in that regard.

The one sad thing is that he isn't happy for you making this money. He's not being supportive of you as he should be as a partner. Instead, he's dragging you down because he's annoyed at his own situation.

I think you need to sit down and have a calm conversation and say it is not on that he's snapping at you. That you are supportive of his business venture and are not putting down his lower income at present, so he should be supportive of you in return. If he has any negative feelings, these need to be dealt with as it just brings you down and that's not fair when you haven't done anything wrong.

@Chamomileteaplease

So he wants it both ways? The freedom to develop his business but also the freedom to be mean to you as the main breadwinner?

He sounds like he needs to sort out a few things in his head.

Quite.

It sounds like he is using you as an emotional punching bag.

I'd be telling him to get a grip and if he can't handle the pressure of being self employed he needs to get a job, simple as.

@ComtesseDeSpair To be honest I'm not convinced by this business being right for him the way he's doing it but I'm not here to tell him what to do. He used to earn a really good wage and I think that the expectation of doing that again has taken over to a certain extent.

I'm the breadwinner too. My husband respects me for it and doesn't see it as a threat in the slightest. It would horrify me if he ever expressed that he was emasculated because of the money I earn; that's utterly misogynistic and sexist and I wouldn't stand for it.

@MilduraS I have pointed that out. Not just him paying for things but preserving my feelings at the same time. It was actually a very nasty situation with lots of stress and bullying and I can't fault him on how he supported me.

I'm fine doing the same for him but it sometimes feels like he is just lost in this idea now. This afternoon was quite upsetting.

I’m afraid I haven’t got any easy advice for you. I’m the high earner/ primary breadwinner and have been one for about the last 8 years.

IME some men can really struggle with this level of financial inequality. When I was married, my exh saw me through two maternity leaves and much lower earnings on my side as I went back part time when my DC were babies/ pre school. He was super generous and very happy. He provided financially and I did the bulk of the domestic family home/ family life work.

Then the children became older, I went back FT, my career rocketed and I became the high earner. Just as his business folded. I didn’t say a word, but supported him and us, without a thought. Why wouldn’t I? We were a partnership (or so I thought) and I would support him and us just as he had done for me and our children for years.

His ego couldn’t stand it. Long story short, we divorced. At some point you cannot apologise for being successful. Or for asking the spouse earning less outside the home to pick up more of the slack domestically (which became a huge bone of contention for me and him). I asked him to do more around the house (to lift the burden off me since I was working such long hours) and you would have thought I had insulted him. He too was working long hours trying to get his new business off the ground, the difference being mine was paying the bills, his wasn’t.

I’ve only then had one serious relationship post divorce and that too has failed. Part of the underlying reason is because I earned more than him and this time round I categorically refuse to apologise for/ minimise my success because it makes a man uncomfortable. I’ve been told I don’t fit the ‘norm’ for a woman. That I’m too aggressive and career focussed. I’ve also been advised that if I’d like to hold onto a man, I need to ‘simper’ (nope, not kidding) and ‘let a man feel like a man’. Don’t even begin to understand what that’s about.

All of the above also made me feel shit. I didn’t need to be lectured after 14 hours of back to back meetings that ‘I hadn’t thought about him enough’ or whatever other grievance I was going to get my head bitten off for.

Bluntly your partner is fortunate to have a partner who is supporting him the way he supported her. If he feels like shit over this, then he needs to pull his head out his ass and do something about it.

Either he accepts where he is and becomes a little more grateful for what you’re bringing to the party.
Or he steps up, gets some paid income and starts contributing.

But whining about how much he hates it whilst taking your money and doing nothing to actively contribute financially? Please. Talk about taking the absolute mickey.

It's perfectly possible for him to have a lot of negative feelings about not working and bringing in money, which are quite separate from any - or no - gendered feelings towards his partner earning an income he is living off.

The two things are not linked. Dignity and independence matter to everyone. If one way he feels self respect is by earning his living then that may have nothing to do with the fact his DP is paying for everything.

He may have snapped at the OP simply because he's feeling crap

If he's anything like my DH, then it's insecurity and loss of feeling self-worth and identity. Some women seem to get this too during maternity leave, but I was not one of them, so struggle to empathise!

My DH was inexplicably angry throughout when it was just me earning. Despite our financial situation being better than it ever has, and me dividing up leftovers after bills equally into our individual accounts.

He just couldn't cope with the idea that he wasn't "being a man". "A man is supposed to work." No amount of talking seemed to be able to shift what boiled down to a pretty fundamental core belief.

The solution was for us to take a financial hit as a family, and for both of us to work part-time, rather than one at home/one at work.

Completely turned his attitude and mental health around, like waving a magic wand. For whatever internal reason, he really did just need to work, despite it making us overall worse off as a family.

@Alarae You're right, I think a sit down talk is in order. He is such an independent, stubborn kind of man. I think his paying for me was much easier than this scenario but I can't change the outcome of this business. I get his frustration but we need a life away from work too.

@speakupattheback agreed. It may well be that. But then what is he going to do about it?

You wait until there's a quiet calm moment, and you sit him down and tell him that he needs to get a grip on how he speaks to you. That you have been where he is so you understand how he is feeling, but punishing you for paying the bills and being nothing but supportive is hugely unfair. Ask him to think about how he would have felt had you done this to him.

I have been the breadwinner when H has been out of work. I know he didn't like being dependent, but he never sulked or stropped about it. The most was a 'jokey' comment once in a while about him feeling like a cocklodger - which was far more about his self-esteem at not being able to find work, as he was doing plenty round the house!

Your partner will be struggling with feeling low, but he needs to realise that using you as an emotional punching bag is not on. There is a big difference between off-loading to a love one when you are feeling down, and aiming those negative feelings at someone as a target because lashing out gives you an excuse to vent your feelings.