Girls with ADHD

[SecondUsername]

I’ve read the symptoms of ADHD and do wonder if my DD has it.

But I also wonder if it’s immaturity (she’s 6 ish), or just her personality, or maybe even something else.

AIBU to ask for your day to day experiences of having a girl with ADHD?

I’m asking for experiences with girls as it can present quite differently in boys.

Also, how Long did diagnosis take?

Many thanks for any insights. I’m hoping they help me to see if I’m way off thinking she might have it.

My 11yr old stepdaughter has been tested and we're awaiting the results, but she's already seeing a psychologist who specializes in ADHD and being treated as such. She's also being tested for dyscalculia and for her logic skills in general. So it's hard to know what's ADHD and what's not.

Apart from the classic struggles with concentration she's prone to outbursts, a resistance to doing or trying things herself, a chronic lack of self belief and a general inability to cope with things. She worries about death and skips parts of stories where it occurs. The only way she can fall asleep within an hour of bedtime is if she has an audio book to listen to, otherwise her thoughts go into complete overdrive. If we let her just get on with getting ready for school herself it would take hours. We have to press, but gently because too hard can push her over her stress limit. The dyscalculia means that saying 'we only have 30 minutes' is basically meaningless to her.

She has sensory issues and can freak out getting dressed if the fabric scratches her. We have to buy her seamless socks.

We recently went on holiday to Cyprus to see my parents, and she had a great time but really struggled with the fact that everything was just slightly 'different' - the taste of milk etc.

She sleeps under a weighted blanket, although not sure that would be recommended for a 7yr old. It does help her a lot though.

Her dad has several issues of his own including heavily medicated ADHD and has developed strong OCD over the years (which apparently develops as a coping mechanism - you feel you have so little control over things in general that you become obsessive about controlling what you can.)

It's taken us three years or so to get the ball really rolling, although initially we were just asking for help with her academic challenges rather than specifically ADHD. We're not in the UK though. It did feel like it was first when she reached the equivalent of secondary school that they really listened - her primary level teachers seemed to think her challenges then were in normal limits. We wish we'd pushed harder. But it's gone at a decent pace since her secondary teachers listened to us (I think her issues started presenting more at school at this point anyway.)

The saddest part is that her basic personality when these things aren't affecting her is so brilliant, lovely and sunny.

Inability to sit still for long periods of time, impulsive, emotional regulation issues, trouble concentrating to name a few.My dd7 has adhd.

There is also “inattentive “ ADHD which presents differently and I’m sure I read is more commonly how girls present. With inattentive ADHD the child is less hyperactive and more day dreamy. Give it a google.

@Bewildered2021

Inability to sit still for long periods of time, impulsive, emotional regulation issues, trouble concentrating to name a few.My dd7 has adhd.

There is also “inattentive “ ADHD which presents differently and I’m sure I read is more commonly how girls present. With inattentive ADHD the child is less hyperactive and more day dreamy. Give it a google.

Sorry I should have clarified - I’d think she has inattentive ADHD if she does have it. She isn’t particularly hyperactive, although does have periods of this - I’m sure most children do though.

I was just wondering what this looks like really in day to day life as opposed to a checklist.

Was it hard to get a diagnosis in your child so young?

@NewLevelsOfTiredness

My 11yr old stepdaughter has been tested and we're awaiting the results, but she's already seeing a psychologist who specializes in ADHD and being treated as such. She's also being tested for dyscalculia and for her logic skills in general. So it's hard to know what's ADHD and what's not.

Apart from the classic struggles with concentration she's prone to outbursts, a resistance to doing or trying things herself, a chronic lack of self belief and a general inability to cope with things. She worries about death and skips parts of stories where it occurs. The only way she can fall asleep within an hour of bedtime is if she has an audio book to listen to, otherwise her thoughts go into complete overdrive. If we let her just get on with getting ready for school herself it would take hours. We have to press, but gently because too hard can push her over her stress limit. The dyscalculia means that saying 'we only have 30 minutes' is basically meaningless to her.

She has sensory issues and can freak out getting dressed if the fabric scratches her. We have to buy her seamless socks.

We recently went on holiday to Cyprus to see my parents, and she had a great time but really struggled with the fact that everything was just slightly 'different' - the taste of milk etc.

She sleeps under a weighted blanket, although not sure that would be recommended for a 7yr old. It does help her a lot though.

Her dad has several issues of his own including heavily medicated ADHD and has developed strong OCD over the years (which apparently develops as a coping mechanism - you feel you have so little control over things in general that you become obsessive about controlling what you can.)

It's taken us three years or so to get the ball really rolling, although initially we were just asking for help with her academic challenges rather than specifically ADHD. We're not in the UK though. It did feel like it was first when she reached the equivalent of secondary school that they really listened - her primary level teachers seemed to think her challenges then were in normal limits. We wish we'd pushed harder. But it's gone at a decent pace since her secondary teachers listened to us (I think her issues started presenting more at school at this point anyway.)

The saddest part is that her basic personality when these things aren't affecting her is so brilliant, lovely and sunny.

Thank you for this - that’s really helpful.

My daughter is a lovely girl; kind, caring, loves cuddles. But she also has regular outbursts, has her own agenda, doesn’t listen well (to no, but also will ask a question and not wait for the answer), she will talk and talk (including a good 20 min monologue rant in the car the other day), she’s (what I would call) over emotional too, she can concentrate when she’s doing something enjoyable / she’s chosen, but can be distracted easily.

However, I also recognise that she’s only 6, so she may just be immature for her age. I soon have parents evening, so I’ll be asking if she is the same at school.

Academically she’s where she should be at the moment.

She has always been an awful sleeper. She wakes now at least once in the night, very occasionally sleeps all the way through.

Her father had suspected ADHD as a child, but for some reason it was never formally diagnosed, although it would explain a lot of his behaviour now. He also has related conditions such as OCD and anxiety.

That does sound similar. The main difference being academic level - but that could also be the dyscalculia. Her father also has pretty bad dyslexia but her reading seems ok.

And yes. she can lose herself in minecraft and actually be very creative and committed to it, that sort of thing.

For not listening - it can be like, she's about to do something and we tell her not too, and you can see her struggle like she has a compulsion that she's having to use a lot of energy fighting, rather than being willfully disobedient.

Also emotional. In Cyprus she had a breakdown that we couldn't take a homeless puppy on the beach back with us. A full-on sit-down protest and refusal to move. She could not cope with the thought of it being uncared for. Similarly when we've been out somewhere and she's seen a homeless person, she won't be able to shake the thought we could have done more for them somehow. And of course that level of compassion is a lovely thing, but she lacks the coping mechanisms to move on from it.

She was six when I moved in and her mum had started to notice signs. I'd say it really became 'problematic' around 9... but the dyscalculia definitely amplifies the issues, so hopefully even if your daughter does have ADHD she won't have it as hard.

We've adapted a few things to try and help her. We have set places at the dinner table with soothes her OCD etc. We need to be very aware of her school timetable because she can wake up in the morning needing to know what the day will bring before she can relax.

How do you know to assess your dds for ADHD rather than for ASD? My dd has been referred for assessment for ASD, but she sounds in many ways very similar to NewLevels' and SecondUsername's dds.

They initially told me I would have to wait until she was 7 but I pushed and she was diagnosed at 5. My DD is also on the spectrum and has a massive problem with sleep. Academically she is fine but only because the school are aware and support by giving breaks as and when needed. I suspect her older sis 9 also has ADHD (inattentive) . She is classically day dreamy. The big difference is she gets shouted at and called lazy at school because she has no diagnosis. Academically she was fine until year 4 where she struggled with exam papers never finishing them .

@Dilbertian

How do you know to assess your dds for ADHD rather than for ASD? My dd has been referred for assessment for ASD, but she sounds in many ways very similar to NewLevels' and SecondUsername's dds.

I would look up about both types. Maybe also ask got an ADHD assessment? Maybe your child has ASD and other disorders/conditions?

I think I also looked up ASD but it didn’t seem to fit my child.

Good luck with the assessment.

*for

@Bewildered2021

They initially told me I would have to wait until she was 7 but I pushed and she was diagnosed at 5. My DD is also on the spectrum and has a massive problem with sleep. Academically she is fine but only because the school are aware and support by giving breaks as and when needed. I suspect her older sis 9 also has ADHD (inattentive) . She is classically day dreamy. The big difference is she gets shouted at and called lazy at school because she has no diagnosis. Academically she was fine until year 4 where she struggled with exam papers never finishing them .

So glad your daughters school is supportive - that must make a huge difference.

Will you try for a diagnosis for your older child?

Gosh I hope you get the sleep sorted soon - it’s exhausting having a child with poor sleep (although I recognise my daughters sleep could be much, much worse than it is)

👋 adult here who is pretty sure she has ADHD and is on a three year waiting list for assessment.

As a child I was very well behaved but often described in school reports as being a daydreamer/away in another world. I would struggle to remember anything I needed for school. I always thought a locker would help when I got to secondary. It didn’t.

My bedroom was a mess, always, no matter how hard I tried fo keep it tidy. I couldn’t find things when I needed them. I couldn’t remember to bring the things I needed with me. I lacked self confidence and really felt completely in adequate so it was easier to behave and fade away into the background. As I grew older, the emotional dysregulation came into play and made life more difficult. I actually think it was there as a child but I remember that less.

I have suspicions one of my children has ADHD but she is far too young for it to be an actual consideration as she’s only 3. We have it in our minds though that it is a possibility and try to use techniques that are known to help with those with ADHD.

@NewLevelsOfTiredness

That does sound similar. The main difference being academic level - but that could also be the dyscalculia. Her father also has pretty bad dyslexia but her reading seems ok.

And yes. she can lose herself in minecraft and actually be very creative and committed to it, that sort of thing.

For not listening - it can be like, she's about to do something and we tell her not too, and you can see her struggle like she has a compulsion that she's having to use a lot of energy fighting, rather than being willfully disobedient.

Also emotional. In Cyprus she had a breakdown that we couldn't take a homeless puppy on the beach back with us. A full-on sit-down protest and refusal to move. She could not cope with the thought of it being uncared for. Similarly when we've been out somewhere and she's seen a homeless person, she won't be able to shake the thought we could have done more for them somehow. And of course that level of compassion is a lovely thing, but she lacks the coping mechanisms to move on from it.

She was six when I moved in and her mum had started to notice signs. I'd say it really became 'problematic' around 9... but the dyscalculia definitely amplifies the issues, so hopefully even if your daughter does have ADHD she won't have it as hard.

We've adapted a few things to try and help her. We have set places at the dinner table with soothes her OCD etc. We need to be very aware of her school timetable because she can wake up in the morning needing to know what the day will bring before she can relax.

Thank you for replying again.

Yes, my DD will also pause when she is told no. Sometimes she listens, but at other times I am unsure if she is choosing to just ignore me, or like you say struggling because she lacks the control to not do it. She is definitely worse when tired though!

We also tried set places at the table - mostly because she can have a meltdown about who sits where / next to who.

I definitely need to ask her teacher about school and see what she is like in class.

We don't have a diagnosis yet but my daughter is on the waiting list for neurodevelopmental assessment, after a telephone consultation with CAMHS, who suggested ADHD may be a possibility.

DD is bright, funny, highly creative, engaging, doing well academically, and can be very kind. However she had a horrendous year at school last year. She could not focus on the carpet during learning activities and easily became overwhelmed, lashing out at and hitting/hitting peers and teachers and being defiant. I dreaded every single day last year, worried about what the day would bring with her behaviour. No amount of consequences / rewards at home or school made a difference to her behaviour. I've gone around in circles wondering whether it's ASD/PDA/ODD/ADHD, or whether we were simply awful parents doing a bad job of bringing her up (I spent more time than I should have pondering that little chestnut!)

As I've looked into ADHD more, I can see the attention elements are there for my DD (she can't get dressed / eat her dinner / walk down the street without getting distracted!). I initially discounted ADHD as a possibility though as she is able to concentrate brilliantly during some tasks, particularly those she enjoys and finds intrinsically motivating, e.g. drawing. However I have since found out this is not unusual.

The aspect that impacts on her most is the emotional regulation side of things. I have only really started to understand that this is actually quite a key part of ADHD despite not being part of the diagnostic criteria. She was in reception year last year and the free-flow play was just too much, too overwhelming, and she just couldn't comply with instructions, nor control her behaviour / responses. Her way of managing was lashing out.

School staff have also noticed she has some anxiety. She worries about getting things 'right', struggles with transitions, and feels very unsure of herself at times.

She is in a different class this year and the 'calmer' classroom environment has done wonders for her. The teaching staff this year seem really responsive too and let her have some time out of the classroom when it gets too much. We haven't had a single incident of hitting/hurting or lashing out so far. She still needs support to keep on task in the classroom but she is doing so much better.

I really don't think she has ASC as she has lovely social skills when well-regulated and engages socially well with children and adults. We can have great reciprocal conversations with her. She has theory of mind and can explain what's happening in social situations.

She might not get a diagnosis of ADHD of course, but nevertheless, I feel that viewing her needs through an ADHD mindset has helped me understand her better.

Her father also has pretty bad dyslexia but her reading seems ok.

I was just diagnosed with dyslexia last week and I'm shocked because I've always been a voracious reader, I have a knack for languages and I used to write fiction for fun - it's my maths that lets me down. I originally approached Disability Services at my university because I thought I had dyscalculia but the Educational Psychologist says definitely not because I understand the concept of numbers and can do mental arithmetic.

I scored on the 86th percentile for reading but I'm only the 5th percentile for processing and organising information at speed. I always thought dyslexia was about being bad at reading and writing but apparently not, it's about processing. I can do the task, it just takes me ages to figure out what's being asked of me and I get flustered.

I also found out last month I have combined presentation ADHD and ASD though, so who knows what is affecting each part of my brain

@amusedbush

Her father also has pretty bad dyslexia but her reading seems ok.

I was just diagnosed with dyslexia last week and I'm shocked because I've always been a voracious reader, I have a knack for languages and I used to write fiction for fun - it's my maths that lets me down. I originally approached Disability Services at my university because I thought I had dyscalculia but the Educational Psychologist says definitely not because I understand the concept of numbers and can do mental arithmetic.

I scored on the 86th percentile for reading but I'm only the 5th percentile for processing and organising information at speed. I always thought dyslexia was about being bad at reading and writing but apparently not, it's about processing. I can do the task, it just takes me ages to figure out what's being asked of me and I get flustered.

I also found out last month I have combined presentation ADHD and ASD though, so who knows what is affecting each part of my brain

That's interesting, but yes the dyscalculia seems to present as a complete conceptual lack of understanding of numbers. I can't think of a better way to describe it than she can't form any of the 'patterns' that we fundamentally use to understand maths. Like.. if you told her that multiplying by 10 just means whacking another zero on a number, she'd learn that as a fact, without understanding why it works. If you write the numbers 1 to 10 on a piece of paper but remove the seven, she needs to count up to find which number is missing, because she's remembered how to count, but has no feeling that 7 just naturally belongs there. It's horrible.

@SecondUsername

I definitely need to ask her teacher about school and see what she is like in class.

One thing to be aware of. What we found with my SD, and something that they often do apparently, is that they will subconsciously try and act as normal as they can in school. This is one of the reasons they can seem so drained at home in the evening - they've put huge effort into trying to mask their behaviours at school and it takes its toll.

@NewLevelsOfTiredness

That does sound similar. The main difference being academic level - but that could also be the dyscalculia. Her father also has pretty bad dyslexia but her reading seems ok.

And yes. she can lose herself in minecraft and actually be very creative and committed to it, that sort of thing.

For not listening - it can be like, she's about to do something and we tell her not too, and you can see her struggle like she has a compulsion that she's having to use a lot of energy fighting, rather than being willfully disobedient.

Also emotional. In Cyprus she had a breakdown that we couldn't take a homeless puppy on the beach back with us. A full-on sit-down protest and refusal to move. She could not cope with the thought of it being uncared for. Similarly when we've been out somewhere and she's seen a homeless person, she won't be able to shake the thought we could have done more for them somehow. And of course that level of compassion is a lovely thing, but she lacks the coping mechanisms to move on from it.

She was six when I moved in and her mum had started to notice signs. I'd say it really became 'problematic' around 9... but the dyscalculia definitely amplifies the issues, so hopefully even if your daughter does have ADHD she won't have it as hard.

We've adapted a few things to try and help her. We have set places at the dinner table with soothes her OCD etc. We need to be very aware of her school timetable because she can wake up in the morning needing to know what the day will bring before she can relax.

Don't discount dyslexia because they are good at reading. My dyslexic children are also good readers, but have issues with processing, spelling etc...

@NewLevelsOfTiredness

My 11yr old stepdaughter has been tested and we're awaiting the results, but she's already seeing a psychologist who specializes in ADHD and being treated as such. She's also being tested for dyscalculia and for her logic skills in general. So it's hard to know what's ADHD and what's not.

Apart from the classic struggles with concentration she's prone to outbursts, a resistance to doing or trying things herself, a chronic lack of self belief and a general inability to cope with things. She worries about death and skips parts of stories where it occurs. The only way she can fall asleep within an hour of bedtime is if she has an audio book to listen to, otherwise her thoughts go into complete overdrive. If we let her just get on with getting ready for school herself it would take hours. We have to press, but gently because too hard can push her over her stress limit. The dyscalculia means that saying 'we only have 30 minutes' is basically meaningless to her.

She has sensory issues and can freak out getting dressed if the fabric scratches her. We have to buy her seamless socks.

We recently went on holiday to Cyprus to see my parents, and she had a great time but really struggled with the fact that everything was just slightly 'different' - the taste of milk etc.

She sleeps under a weighted blanket, although not sure that would be recommended for a 7yr old. It does help her a lot though.

Her dad has several issues of his own including heavily medicated ADHD and has developed strong OCD over the years (which apparently develops as a coping mechanism - you feel you have so little control over things in general that you become obsessive about controlling what you can.)

It's taken us three years or so to get the ball really rolling, although initially we were just asking for help with her academic challenges rather than specifically ADHD. We're not in the UK though. It did feel like it was first when she reached the equivalent of secondary school that they really listened - her primary level teachers seemed to think her challenges then were in normal limits. We wish we'd pushed harder. But it's gone at a decent pace since her secondary teachers listened to us (I think her issues started presenting more at school at this point anyway.)

The saddest part is that her basic personality when these things aren't affecting her is so brilliant, lovely and sunny.

Wow your description sounds exactly like my daughter. If she had a stepmother i would be wondering if it were you! We are persuing an autism diagnosis, she is already diagnosed with dyslexia and dyspraxia. I hadn't considered adhd.

DD presented as absolutely classic ADHD as a youngers child. Being as she had the 'boy' classic of course she got a diagnosis very early. Now she's 10 and a girl so she's masking so well her teacher was incredulous.

With her it was either no focus or hyperfocus. Never anything in between. As well as more classic bouncing off the walls.

@NewLevelsOfTiredness

Ahh that sounds really difficult. I have a friend who has been diagnosed with dyscalculia and she reports the same sort of difficulties as your DD, just no concept of numbers or how to work with them.

My dyslexia report from the Ed Psych says she could see I was using "semantic associations or visualisation" to carry out the mental arithmetic but struggled to use numbers where I hadn't memorised a formula, etc. For example, one of the questions was 180 divided by 6 and it took me a while but I told her out loud "I know 180 is like 18 and 6 goes into 18, just give me a minute...". I've memorised times tables etc, it just all went to shit when it was a more arbitrary test identifying patterns and so on

I suspect this with my daughter and reading the posts above ring so many bells. I feel like there are so many hurdles to getting a diagnosis.
Her new teacher at least has picked up on it straight away.
She does OK school work when she can focus, but often there is just nothing on the page.
She's really struggled with reading and is behind.
Sensory issues.
Emotional regulation.
Unable to follow instructions, especially if multiple commands. 8 have to repeat and repeat.
Easily distracted.
Anxiety.
She's 8yars old. Suspect adhd in family at least two generations

This is interesting for me because I have wondered about my 6 year old DD. We have parents evening coming up so I will speak to the school about it and see if anything is coming out there.
Can I ask if any of you have issues with the toilet? Our massive sticking point is that she often won’t go to the toilet when she needs it. You can tell she needs to go but when you tell her to go she will literally explode, anger etc. She won’t have an accident, she makes it 99.9% of the time but it seems like a control thing with her.
Sorry if that’s off topic!

Oh the toilet troubles we've had. Withholding, constipation, soiling. I didn't know there was a possibility of a connection! 2 years or so it took to sort it out after continence clinc referral.

Oh blimey @CottonSock I’m a bit worried now. As I say, she doesn’t (or very very rarely, maybe 3 times in the last year) have accidents, it just all has to be on her terms

Milo, we don't have a diagnosis though, it could be coincidence. I didn't know the connection, but have just googled. Think I'm going to ring the gp and ask to go on the 3 year waiting list.