Girls with ADHD

[SecondUsername]

I’ve read the symptoms of ADHD and do wonder if my DD has it.

But I also wonder if it’s immaturity (she’s 6 ish), or just her personality, or maybe even something else.

AIBU to ask for your day to day experiences of having a girl with ADHD?

I’m asking for experiences with girls as it can present quite differently in boys.

Also, how Long did diagnosis take?

Many thanks for any insights. I’m hoping they help me to see if I’m way off thinking she might have it.

@PlanDeRaccordement

I was diagnosed with ADHD at age 39. I have hyper-focus type.

As a girl, I was very high energy and mostly played with boys. In school I would often have very realistic day dreams, and be so focused on it that I wouldn’t notice class ending or teacher talking to me. So I’d be punished for obstinance or not paying attention.

As I got older, I used to draw instead of take notes, or secretly read a book stuck inside my text book(also got into trouble for that). I was off in another world a lot during class, except playtime when I would be bouncing around with the boys climbing trees and even got into fights.

I would wander off and get lost on school field trips- distracted by something. I did well academically but not as well as I could have because I’d rush through a test and hand it in first, well before anyone else because I’d get all jittery and just want to be done with it.

Conversation I’d interrupt adults, finish their sentences or respond to what I assumed they were going to say. They just seemed painfully in slow motion to me.

This last paragraph really sounds like my husband. He said he knows what I am going to say so it is irritating to wait. Although he has only just recently said this and won’t interrupt me as I’m speaking. My daughter interrupts all the time! But they could be her age too. I think I am the reverse and my brain is in slow motion so sometimes I need to ask for less chatting.

I wish this type of ADHD was more well known. Do you find you are able to hyper focus on your career and it’s helped you progress? Or do you mainly focus on hobbies?

Thanks got sharing

Just found this thread and I think I’m recognising a lot in my nearly 12 year old DD. I’ve been veering between inattentive ADHD, hormones and just the way a child’s brain develops for a couple of years to understand and help her. Please can I get your perspective?

• she didn’t sleep through the night until she was six
• she’s anxious a lot of the time about getting things wrong, making it hard for her to try things
• she’s anxious about dirt and germs, washes her hands excessively, always checking with me things like “I touched X is that okay?” or “if you put X in your mouth would it kill you?”
• she has epic meltdowns regularly and it often feels like we’re walking on eggshells to try to manage them. They’re over seemingly minor things but can last for 2-3 hours sometimes
• she ties her emotion regulation to me, if I stay calm she’s calmer but when I start getting frustrated (like when we’re running late in the morning yet again) she flips and then that’s my fault for rushing
• she can concentrate easily on computer games or TV but really struggles to do this on things that don’t interest her or don’t have an immediate ‘reward’
• she lacks motivation, imagination, resilience, confidence and self belief despite doing well at school
• primary school never picked up on any issues although she had lots of friendship issues, particularly in year 6. At times I feel like I can see her holding things together and then it all comes out with me. When she’s having a meltdown you can almost see that her brain has shut down
• she interrupts all the time, she doesn’t seem able to wait for someone else to finish speaking. She asks a question but doesn’t listen to the answer so asks again. We have to repeat instructions or information numerous times
• I describe her as away with the fairies in dreamland. I once found her in the bathroom in the same position as I left her in five minutes previously, apparently she was “getting ready” to brush her teeth
• she constantly asks what to do. None of our suggestions are acceptable so she asks us again and again. She struggles to play independently, always wants interaction (which causes friction with DD10 who enjoys playing by herself at times). Playmobil games are planned out in advance and she will check if this or that would happen (“would a mum stay in hospital with a child overnight?”), it’s like it has to be accurate rather than just imagination.
• she’s recognised that she gets easily distracted in school, particularly if in a lesson she’s not interested in
• she and DD10 are chalk and cheese so I’m wondering which of them is the “normal” one (wrong word I know)
• I’ve often wondered what’s “wrong” with her and why she’s so hard to parent. I’m constantly searching for the answer (parenting books, google, mumsnet), that magic tip that means suddenly I’m doing it right at last
• she seems to get overwhelmed quickly. Someone said about trying to tidy the bedroom was too much, yep! When I help her I end up doing it as she’s distracted by stuff that she finds
• she can be utterly vile to her two younger sisters when angry
• she struggles sometimes to sit and watch telly, rolling on the floor, dancing, just faffing
• I’m starting to wonder about dyslexia too, she struggled to get going with reading initially. She enjoys it now but still does it in fits and starts and tends to prefer fact books and ones that you can dip in and out of. I’m wondering if it’s processing problems/poor working memory

Sorry this is so long! I could add more but they’re all up for breakfast! I’d greatly appreciate your thoughts

@Sunnyjac your post describes my dd down to every single point. I only had one so had no compassion to draw bit for all the reasons you mention I always knew something was "off".

She's 15 now and after her struggles with friendships and life in general increased once she started secondary, she finally burned out at 13.5 and could no longer attend school. Turns out she has ADHD.

I feel so so guilty for not realising. She did go to therapy on and off as a kid but no one picked up on it and we always thought it was situational (stuff going on in our family) as opposed to any ND issues.

@Sunnyjac ditto describes my DD as well - I have been reading around ASD (autism) with a PDA profile (pathological demand avoidance). Have a read on the PDAsociety uk website it also has some helpful pages you can print off. I’ve also just read one of the books mentioned on here (& reading the 2nd one as well), your daughter may find them helpful too. As written from perspective of a 11-12yr old girl.”Can you see me” and “Do you know me” by Libby Scott, There’s a lot of crossover with girls on the spectrum/ PDA & ADHD But my sympathies it’s relentlessly hard work parenting it, I too have a more NT teenager who is a piece of cake compared to her sibling.

We have a confirmed diagnosis with dd (13) and she had huge energy levels, highly and outstandingly artistic and creative, buries herself in projects, she has a sunny, enthusiastic and somewhat joyful outlook, she has lots of friends and a happy life,
but she does find organisation tricky, keeping things orderly and tidy, listening and concentration can be a challenge sometimes. She can be indifferent to hygiene so I need to monitor that carefully (maybe a teen thing)
I found being super organised helped no end, reminder charts, solid routines and being gentle. Doing homework on roller skates (spellings) and adjusting for her need to move and not sit too long, we do homework in short bursts.
Emotional outbursts are best allowed to blow out, and then approach quietly to discuss once things have calmed down. Giving her strategies when she gets upset, and being really kind when she struggles.
She has no problems academically beyond making silly mistakes because she doesn’t check her work, I have explained that her ADHD is a super power and we have been extremely positive about it. Yes it’s been a struggle as a parent at times, but she is such an amazing person, I love her as she is - her massive energy and zest for life - I have high hopes for her in the future because we will help utilise the best parts, and strategies for the challenges - she has a lot (more than most) to contribute to the world. Remember that hoe we react will very much set in stone how they feel about themselves.

womaninthelamp and SkiRun0077 thank you both so much for replying. You’ve given me the confidence to approach the school and start the conversation. I’ve been worried that she’ll think I think there’s something wrong with her but I feel we’re trying to fit her into a space in our family and life in general that isn’t the right shape for her. I do think a diagnosis could help us find her shape, if that makes sense. And hopefully we’ll all be happier and more positive. I’ll check out those books

@Dilbertian - Does your DD have “special interests” that she focuses on and talks about a lot? It can be particular books or films or collecting particular toys so is sometimes overlooked in girls (whereas boys might be the more obvious “obsession with trains” for example)

Without a special interest she is more like to be diagnosed with ADHD, there is a lot of overlap.

I have an ADHD diagnosis but have been referred for an autism assessment- my consultant says he feels “very sure” about it though.

With hindsight, my special interests were around reading the same books again and again as a child, with all the words memorised really. Then, as a teenager my special interest became psychology - so not so obvious really.

My DD has ADHD I think and I can’t see any special interests with her. She is also not especially literal ( and I really am and always was!) so I think it is “just” ADHD, with strong sensory components.

@SecondUsername - I also hid books inside textbooks 😂 even did it throughout university lectures and listened with one ear in case there was something I needed to hear.

Also used to get told off in school for “reading ahead” when we reading through the textbooks as a class. It seems a silly thing to tell someone off for really.

I now teach SEN learners though and find my own neurodiversity is a great thing. I certainly wouldn’t tell someone off for day dreaming, or doodling or asking questions that seem unnecessary. I’ve been there enough myself

This is fascinating. DD will be 5 in May and the more I read about ADHD the more I think that's what's going on with her and reading the replies here I can see so much of her in what's being described.

School have been mixed in their response so far. They recognise that she needs more support but say she's unlikely to get a diagnosis until she's 7 or 8.

@Sunnyjac

Just found this thread and I think I’m recognising a lot in my nearly 12 year old DD. I’ve been veering between inattentive ADHD, hormones and just the way a child’s brain develops for a couple of years to understand and help her. Please can I get your perspective?

• she didn’t sleep through the night until she was six
• she’s anxious a lot of the time about getting things wrong, making it hard for her to try things
• she’s anxious about dirt and germs, washes her hands excessively, always checking with me things like “I touched X is that okay?” or “if you put X in your mouth would it kill you?”
• she has epic meltdowns regularly and it often feels like we’re walking on eggshells to try to manage them. They’re over seemingly minor things but can last for 2-3 hours sometimes
• she ties her emotion regulation to me, if I stay calm she’s calmer but when I start getting frustrated (like when we’re running late in the morning yet again) she flips and then that’s my fault for rushing
• she can concentrate easily on computer games or TV but really struggles to do this on things that don’t interest her or don’t have an immediate ‘reward’
• she lacks motivation, imagination, resilience, confidence and self belief despite doing well at school
• primary school never picked up on any issues although she had lots of friendship issues, particularly in year 6. At times I feel like I can see her holding things together and then it all comes out with me. When she’s having a meltdown you can almost see that her brain has shut down
• she interrupts all the time, she doesn’t seem able to wait for someone else to finish speaking. She asks a question but doesn’t listen to the answer so asks again. We have to repeat instructions or information numerous times
• I describe her as away with the fairies in dreamland. I once found her in the bathroom in the same position as I left her in five minutes previously, apparently she was “getting ready” to brush her teeth
• she constantly asks what to do. None of our suggestions are acceptable so she asks us again and again. She struggles to play independently, always wants interaction (which causes friction with DD10 who enjoys playing by herself at times). Playmobil games are planned out in advance and she will check if this or that would happen (“would a mum stay in hospital with a child overnight?”), it’s like it has to be accurate rather than just imagination.
• she’s recognised that she gets easily distracted in school, particularly if in a lesson she’s not interested in
• she and DD10 are chalk and cheese so I’m wondering which of them is the “normal” one (wrong word I know)
• I’ve often wondered what’s “wrong” with her and why she’s so hard to parent. I’m constantly searching for the answer (parenting books, google, mumsnet), that magic tip that means suddenly I’m doing it right at last
• she seems to get overwhelmed quickly. Someone said about trying to tidy the bedroom was too much, yep! When I help her I end up doing it as she’s distracted by stuff that she finds
• she can be utterly vile to her two younger sisters when angry
• she struggles sometimes to sit and watch telly, rolling on the floor, dancing, just faffing
• I’m starting to wonder about dyslexia too, she struggled to get going with reading initially. She enjoys it now but still does it in fits and starts and tends to prefer fact books and ones that you can dip in and out of. I’m wondering if it’s processing problems/poor working memory

Sorry this is so long! I could add more but they’re all up for breakfast! I’d greatly appreciate your thoughts

Hi.

You mention your daughter is anxious about dirt and germs- have you considered OCD? This sounds very like the start of mine. I basically constantly washed my hands and was worried about germs. I also picked up other habits, eg turning on and off light switches a certain number of times. Ok now, but just something to be mindful of for your child.

Our DDs sound similar in parts - difficult to parent, bad sleepers, anxiety, being wiggly and can be very mean when angry.

Hopefully you find the Info from others here helpful too.

@SecondUsername , my dd has just been diagnosed ADHD , aged 24...although not medicated as she was only just been diagnosed (in England) before moving abroad in September and as we live in Wales she had to be re- referred by GP for Psychiatric input as she'd reregisterd with local GP
She was diagnosed with dyslexia/dyscalculia aged 10 ( v strong family history of dyslexia/dyspraxia/dyscalculia in family- 2 siblings, father, uncle and grandfather all dyslexic/dyspraxic/dyscalculic!- all high achievers, although her df wasn't diagnosed with dyslexia/dyscalculia/dyspraxia until he was 36 )
Has done very well academically, despite all these hurdles- left high school and did BTECs at college rather than A levels as they suited her way of learning ( has v poor short term memory and needs to write lots of lists...is always losing things - numerous mobile phones/ bank cards!)
Worked hard and now has a first class honours degree in Business and is currently working/living abroad in SE Asia in fashion based industry
However has always been impulsive and definitely the most defiant of the dcs as a teenager .loves high energy sports, is an adrenaline junkie/ risk taker - (but not promiscuous) and loves partying and always played loud music at home - unlike her siblings,

No amount of consequences / rewards at home or school made a difference to her behaviour
This resonates. They don’t work because the child cannot stop and think before acting - impulsive.

[quote Stopyourhavering64]@SecondUsername , my dd has just been diagnosed ADHD , aged 24...although not medicated as she was only just been diagnosed (in England) before moving abroad in September and as we live in Wales she had to be re- referred by GP for Psychiatric input as she'd reregisterd with local GP
She was diagnosed with dyslexia/dyscalculia aged 10 ( v strong family history of dyslexia/dyspraxia/dyscalculia in family- 2 siblings, father, uncle and grandfather all dyslexic/dyspraxic/dyscalculic!- all high achievers, although her df wasn't diagnosed with dyslexia/dyscalculia/dyspraxia until he was 36 )
Has done very well academically, despite all these hurdles- left high school and did BTECs at college rather than A levels as they suited her way of learning ( has v poor short term memory and needs to write lots of lists...is always losing things - numerous mobile phones/ bank cards!)
Worked hard and now has a first class honours degree in Business and is currently working/living abroad in SE Asia in fashion based industry
However has always been impulsive and definitely the most defiant of the dcs as a teenager .loves high energy sports, is an adrenaline junkie/ risk taker - (but not promiscuous) and loves partying and always played loud music at home - unlike her siblings,[/quote]
I’m glad she got her diagnosis. Will she look to get medication when possible, or will she just use her diagnosis to understand herself better?

Do you think it would’ve helped you if she’d had a diagnosis earlier? With managing behaviour / understanding her?

@Sunnyjac

Sounds just like my DD, who was diagnosed with ADD in her early 20s and she was already diagnosed with OCD (the frequent hand washing and questions about germs bit).

She is on slow release methylphenidate for work. She takes it in the morning, and we can see if wearing off in the evenings as she gets more excitable and fidgety!

@frogsarejumpy

No amount of consequences / rewards at home or school made a difference to her behaviour This resonates. They don’t work because the child cannot stop and think before acting - impulsive.

This absolutely resonates with me. I've been told I need to be more consistent with my parenting and carry on using these techniques even though they don't work.

Quite what good they think it will do for me to keep offering stickers to a child that couldn't care less about whether she gets a sticker or not I've no idea but that's where we are

I’m starting to wonder about dyslexia too, she struggled to get going with reading initially. She enjoys it now but still does it in fits and starts and tends to prefer fact books and ones that you can dip in and out of. I’m wondering if it’s processing problems/poor working memory

While your DD's struggles with reading could be down to any of those things, as they all tend to be co morbid, both my DD and DH struggle with reading, as while they can decode no problem, they cannot get the meaning from what they are reading. DD could read the first page of a Harry Potter book, and if I asked what had happened in the story, she would have no idea! DH has to read incredibly slowly to extract meaning - I think its part of their attention problems. I remember DS and I were talking about how reading is like watching TV in our heads - DH and DD looked at us amazed, as they had no idea that was what reading could be like for other people! Neither can visualise from language!

@SecondUsername
While I suspected she had other issues other than dyslexia etc, dh was less convinced and we felt she had enough going on to explore any other issues as she had support for her dyslexia and had friends who accepted her as she was, plus when she was a teenager, 10 yrs ago there was little support or recognition of ADHD unless symptoms were much more pronounced and disruptive ( certainly where we live)

She is exploring idea of trying medication, but obviously this is tricky with her being in SE Asia currently and no means of getting medication or being monitored, so suspect she's going to wait until she comes back on holiday next year sometime
I have more of an understanding of her situation now and am just so amazed at how she gets on with her life and see it as part of her personality..she's found a job she loves and for now seems to be content, but no doubt she will become unsettled again and look for the next outlet for her energy

@SecondUsername I have pondered about OCD but it doesn't seem to rule her life yet. I try to keep a lid on it and reassure her that it's fine to each question she asks. Hopefully getting support in the other areas will help her to feel more in control of her life and perhaps less anxious about this. I do find this thread so helpful. I've now emailed her teacher to request a meeting.

@Intercity225 Thanks for the info. My husband has to read with deliberate concentration to get meaning from books. When we watch television I can keep one eye on the programme and one on, say, doing the online shop and I'll have more idea what's happening than he will. He thinks he might be the same as DD so at least we have an idea where it may have come from!

Also agree about the consequences/rewards thing. Unless it's in her face and immediate it has no impact on her. We've tried endless reward schemes and consequences but they have zero effect. Very good on the other two but they have far less need for that sort of thing anyway.

One thing I meant to ask, how did your girls feel about the assessment process and the possibility of being diagnosed? Were they okay with it or did it make them worry that there was something “wrong” with them? How did you broach the subject?

I knew there was something wrong with DD from age 12, when I realised she could not understand what she read. I used to read all her text books, and explained them to her. I remember, she had some English homework to imagine what the ranch looked like in her set book. She was in tears, because she did not know what a ranch is, and she couldn't visualise it from the book! I had to show her pictures of ranches. Same as her set book in German A level, I had to get her a DVD of the book; and synopses of it in English, so she could get what the story was.

I had her assessed by a speech and language therapist, and neuro-educational psychologist. They found slow processing and the lack of reading comprehension; but as she could concentrate ok 1:1 in a quiet room, ADD did not come up. However, they did recommend extra time in exams, and the Powerpoints of lessons in advance, to give her something visual to hang the meaning on.

At university, she was researching her problems and thought it could be ADD. She asked the mental health trust for an assessment. I had to go to, to talk about her childhood and school. At the end of it, she was diagnosed with ADD. When I read it up, everything I had seen in her lack of executive functioning, made sense - especially as I had known DH had ADHD from when I started to live with him, in our 20s. The difference was he was hyperactive; and over his adult life time, he has developed coping strategies.

I think DD found it a relief to have an explanation of why she lost her phone and keys every day, why she forgot all appointments, the impulsivity, the emotional hyper-reactivity, etc. Once on methylphenidate, she said she could see all her silly mistakes in her course work. She takes it for work now. The other night, she was on WhatsApp to me, and her bf had to walk out of the room, as he could not cope with how she was jumping about from subject to subject, as the methylphenidate was wearing off!

@Intercity225

I knew there was something wrong with DD from age 12, when I realised she could not understand what she read. I used to read all her text books, and explained them to her. I remember, she had some English homework to imagine what the ranch looked like in her set book. She was in tears, because she did not know what a ranch is, and she couldn't visualise it from the book! I had to show her pictures of ranches. Same as her set book in German A level, I had to get her a DVD of the book; and synopses of it in English, so she could get what the story was.

I had her assessed by a speech and language therapist, and neuro-educational psychologist. They found slow processing and the lack of reading comprehension; but as she could concentrate ok 1:1 in a quiet room, ADD did not come up. However, they did recommend extra time in exams, and the Powerpoints of lessons in advance, to give her something visual to hang the meaning on.

At university, she was researching her problems and thought it could be ADD. She asked the mental health trust for an assessment. I had to go to, to talk about her childhood and school. At the end of it, she was diagnosed with ADD. When I read it up, everything I had seen in her lack of executive functioning, made sense - especially as I had known DH had ADHD from when I started to live with him, in our 20s. The difference was he was hyperactive; and over his adult life time, he has developed coping strategies.

I think DD found it a relief to have an explanation of why she lost her phone and keys every day, why she forgot all appointments, the impulsivity, the emotional hyper-reactivity, etc. Once on methylphenidate, she said she could see all her silly mistakes in her course work. She takes it for work now. The other night, she was on WhatsApp to me, and her bf had to walk out of the room, as he could not cope with how she was jumping about from subject to subject, as the methylphenidate was wearing off!

That’s good that her diagnosis made a difference to her as does her medication.

Thanks for Sharing

@sunnyjac the OCD for me wasn’t officially diagnosed and although I had a few rituals / things I did to feel better it didn’t progressed beyond that so I don’t think my parents sought medical help either. They did the same - answered my questions, reassured me things weren’t dirty, etc and if eventually got somewhat better by itself. I would say I still clean my hands more than most people but not obsessively so. I hope your daughters passes / eases too.

[quote Stopyourhavering64]@SecondUsername
While I suspected she had other issues other than dyslexia etc, dh was less convinced and we felt she had enough going on to explore any other issues as she had support for her dyslexia and had friends who accepted her as she was, plus when she was a teenager, 10 yrs ago there was little support or recognition of ADHD unless symptoms were much more pronounced and disruptive ( certainly where we live)

She is exploring idea of trying medication, but obviously this is tricky with her being in SE Asia currently and no means of getting medication or being monitored, so suspect she's going to wait until she comes back on holiday next year sometime
I have more of an understanding of her situation now and am just so amazed at how she gets on with her life and see it as part of her personality..she's found a job she loves and for now seems to be content, but no doubt she will become unsettled again and look for the next outlet for her energy[/quote]
Thanks for the reply.

It’s good that she had support in place for other issues / conditions that also helped with the ADHD. It also sounds like supportive friends and family really helped

For those considering the impact of assessment and how to broach. If they are younger simply play it down as a little test lots of children have. If older, I told my dd we feel every child should be assessed (true) so that they can have an individualised approach to education, a bit like an MOT on a car, so we can see what areas need help and what’s working well. We played the whole thing to prevent worry, but also because it may come back with nothing, so we avoided labels or scaremongering - and went out for a treat at the end so she could talk about it.

DD is on the ADD sprectrum, not enough to be diagnosed but hits all buttons in one way or the other.

Forgets everything. You ask her to go to her room and bring down xyz. She will go up but forgets to come down with the item as she found something to look at on her way up.

Difficult to concentrate unless it is something she really enjoys. So she could play for ages with Lego or her teddies, inventing complex storylines, be occupied for hours but if it comes to homework, shopping, anything she is not interested in, it is a struggle to keep her focused.

Hates crowds, noises and bright lights. Will say "I have butterflies in my brain" and needs time out.

Hates not knowing what is happening. So a spontanous day out is impossible, she needs to know exactly what will be there and what we will do. We research a lot before setting off. Same with going to a restaurant.

Needs routines - it sounds mad but for a couple of years the school holidays were mayhem. Too much unknown, too much choices of what to fill the day with. She went normally to holiday clubs as that helped her having a structured day.

Quite drawn to anything sensual, loves bathing, touching anything soft and cosy. We have tons of blankets, fluffy pillows, she wears fluffy teddy fabric jackets. She was always stroking anything soft and warm.

Need to have a comfort object with her.

Outbreaks can happen without notice and we are often lost what the trigger is. She could start crying and thrashing for up to an hour, she herself doesn't know why and how to stop. It is hard as she hates being touched so we just sit near her and wait for the end. I sometimes can see something coming, she loves stuffed animals and would suddenly appear with several in her arms, like a shield and feeling protected, so I can once in a while stop it before it starts.

Good news - she is 14 now and while there are still lots of issues, we also see progress. She is more able to regulate herself and sets her own routines. She also is more in control about her outbreaks, it's months since we had one. She weaned herself of the need for a security object in general but will still use one if necessary like taking a teddy with her on holiday in case something triggers an anxiety attack. She sets her own routines and will say to us if somehting is off and she needs a break.

She learns slowly to accept her ways and not let them overwhelm her but to control her.