Can anyone help me forgive and not hold a grudge?

[RainbowBriteUk]

As a child we didn't have much money. Food wasn't scarce exactly but it wasn't plentiful neither. I knew not to ask for things and settled on cheap clothes. This resulted in name calling at school but it was what it was. Christmas and birthday presents were second hand or cheap.

About 15 years back my mum met a man online. He lived abroad and they met and married and he came to live here. For the first number of years I lived with them. Money was very tight but he was sending hundreds of pounds a week back to his family. As money was tight, my mum sold all my childhood belongings and many of her own possessions. She also sent some of my belongings over to his family. She asked before doing this but turned aggressive when I said no so the easiest thing was to let them go.

Despite money being tight, her husband refused to eat non-branded food which I hugely resented as it cost a fortune. Moreso, my mum and he spent a lot on buying presents for his family and flights home for him where also expensive during this frugal time.

I moved out when the resentment was too much but I still feel anger that during that time he didn't care that despite sending money over and his food choices being expensive because he refused to eat nothing that wasn't a brand name, my possessions were sold. He's still a twat in other ways and I feel huge resentment to him. I'm friendly to him and never let my feelings show but he ignores me (literally!). How do I move on with this grudge?

This isn’t a grudge. It’s a normal reaction to being mistreated as a child.

That’s not to say that I don’t think you should process how you feel, so I would say looking into therapy to talk through the whole situation would probably be good for your own sense of peace.

I get on with my mum much better now than I did but she still massively defends him and tends to label me as mean when i'm telling a few truths about him and the way he is with me (totally ignorant). He came away recently with us and said about three sentences to me the whole time. One was really fucking aggressive too! He ignores me if I ask him questions about his life and never asks me about anything to do with my life (work etc.) He's an incredibly negative person. My mum could do a million times better.

So sorry you had to go through this, your mum and this man have been utterly selfish. Do they expect you to run after them now?

Not surprised you bear a grudge and it doesn't sound like he treats you politely or kindly now so I suggest you have very little to do with him.

Ultimately it's your mum that needs your forgiveness for putting him and her relationship ahead of you but you maybe arent ready to be angry with her yet. For now then can you see her without him being around?

@NannyOggsWhiskyStash Thanks for your message. I very much distance myself from him and try and see my mum alone. I busy myself with work so there's no chance for anyone to take advantage of me.

It's too much for me spending any time with him when he ignores me. I can be having a conversation with my mum and he just butts in with a completely different topic (talking to my mum of course, never me), and my mum always answers him. He's so rude. He makes my blood boil.

@Porcupineintherough I have confronted her in the past and she's always denied it until recently she says there is so much she feels guilty for. She didn't expand on it so I'm guessing she may have meant the past with him.

I don't really discuss him with her anymore. She jumps to his defence and it winds me up no end.

I really feel for you. He sounds horrible. Its hard to move on when yiu still see him, so dont.

Have you ever had any counselling to cope with your residual feelings from your childhood? Which sounds awful by the way .

Unfortunately I think you are hiding from yourself that your mother has been a really terrible mother and probably isn't much better now as she continues to put her husband's needs above yours.

What positives do you gain from your relationship with your mother now? I assume you live elsewhere?

You're a better person than me. I'd go very low contact and grey rock both of them. What they/she did is unthinkable and that you are still able to be courteous says a lot about the type of person you are, I honestly couldn't play happy families after what they did.

I feel like this towards my mum for reasons similar.

It’s not a grudge you need to let go of. You don’t need to do anything at all if you don’t want to. Often people tell you that you need to forgive but I find forgiveness quite a toxic concept at times because often people are pushed towards it before they are ready and considered “cured” once they reach the forgiveness stage. It’s a long and very hard process, and you don’t need to get there to be happy.

What works for me is - Trying to look at the feeling and accept it as a perfectly normal and human reaction to injustices that you didn’t deserve. eventually you start to detach yourself from the hurt feelings it gives you, and focus on the future and the fact you don’t feel like that now. I have put things in place to ensure I don’t feel that way again. Every now and again I feel triggered (Brexit and Covid, the idea of losing everything and being hungry again - or getting rid of things incase I can’t afford to replace them again) but I sit with the feelings and remember they come from that place inside that is hurt and scared. It does help to acknowledge them.

You don’t need to let go as such, but more acknowledge it happened, how it has changed you, and how you don’t need to feel that way now x

He sounds like a dick but it was your mum who let you down. She chose to prioritise him over you and continues to do so.

I would carefully consider whether you want a relationship with her and look into counselling. She acted appallingly .

Thank you all for your advice.

They sold my belongings when I was in my early 20's. They were dolls I had kept from my childhood. Ones given to me by family members who had since died.

She does still prioritise him. If he's on a night shift he refuses to set an alarm, so she can't be out with me or he won't get up for work. She also has to be back to make his tea if he's on a day shift. Her life is restricted through him.

I'm so sorry OP. She sounds horrible. They both do.

I take it you don't have any siblings?

As others have said, this isn't really a grudge. I think anybody would feel the same. And it's not like they have apologised and tried to make amends and you're refusing to move on - they are still doing it.

If I were you I would just focus on myself and give nothing back. Maybe look into some kind of therapy if you think it would help you.

@RainbowBriteUk

She does still prioritise him. If he's on a night shift he refuses to set an alarm, so she can't be out with me or he won't get up for work. She also has to be back to make his tea if he's on a day shift. Her life is restricted through him.

I think you need to consider counselling.

Your mum also needs to access something to increase her self esteem.

She's allowing him to control her. He's an adult. He and he alone is responsible for getting up for work and feeding himself etc. but she's taking responsibility for him because she believe she has to sue to poor self esteem.

When I was a kid I didn't so much mind not having much money but when he came along in my early twenties and they're struggling massively for money, yet he's still booking flights home at over £300 a time, not eating cheaper food and sending £200 a week home to his family, it massively pissed me off. My mum and I were the only ones who suffered through having to sell our much-loved belongings.

You’ve absorbed an unhelpful message that the “right” thing to do is to forgive. Holding a grudge sounds so negative in our culture… but all it is, is a perfectly sensible protective mechanism, your brain warning you that these are no good people to have around you.

Tell him to get to fuck. Just cut him out of your life completely. And if your mother doesn’t behave herself when alone with you - you don’t need her either. I’ve got a mother who’ll make non specific “I feel guilty” noises. Is that an apology? The fuck is it. It’s an entirely self serving attention seeking cue for the listener to say either that she doesn’t need to feel guilty, or is forgiven. REAL guilt would precede a REAL apology.

People sometimes think that not forgiving = a life of bitterness that hurts you more. Not true… what happens over time is you become indifferent. Not twisted in bitter grudges at all. You move on, and it slips into the past. Not in a harmful, bottled up way - just something that’s no longer relevant to your new life. Whilst you’re still allowing people like them in your life, you don’t have a chance to move to indifference.

Grudges against people who deserve them are natural and OK.

There are multiple reasons why you don't need to forgive him; he isn't even sorry for one.

He is obviously no good, but your mum allowed this. She was supposed to protect and defend you but instead took food out of your mouth to send to his family. She sold your possessions. She defends him and makes you feel as though you are being unreasonable. You are not being unreasonable at all. There is nothing more reasonable than disliking someone who made your childhood a misery.

If you want to maintain a relationship with your mum then in future only ever meet her alone and don't invite him. Definitely don't go on holiday with the two of them again. Three is a crowd and holidaying with a couple is always uncomfortable, even if the couple are lovely (which in this case, they are not).

Please consider therapy to come to terms with what happened. Your childhood was not the supportive and nurturing environment it should have been and these experiences leave scars.

@itsgettingwierd When i've brought it up with her before (that he should be sorting himself out). She also says it's just his way that he can't cook (he never makes meals or does housework). She says she doesn't mind doing these things for him but I mind.

You're adult now and no longer dependent on either of them for survival.

There's no law that says you have to keep being polite to someone who is rude, for example.

You sound very enmeshed and that you've not yet been able to emotionally separate from your mother into adulthood. You're still concerned with what she thinks of you, you're also trying to protect her feelings by being kind to her and him.

You have choices but I don't think you can see yet that you can choose how you want to behave. You owe them nothing.

Try Googling daughters of narcissistic mothers

I don't think you should try to forgive them. The fact they both behaved in such an appalling way and that they still act in an abusive way towards you by not accepting they were wrong and trying to make amends means you have every justification to "hold a grudge" as you put it.

You should never forgive someone who doesn't realise they need to be forgiven.

Cut both of these toxic individuals out of your life - they're not going to change and you are better off having no further contact with them. Maybe that'll make them realise they treated you like shit, but I doubt that, they're just highly unpleasant people.

I think it's ok to hold a grudge and think it's a way of protecting oneself. I think it's also ok not to forgive. It's toxic and unhealthy to buy into that khama of needing to forgive, why should you? You did nothing wrong. What you can do is accept the way you feel and decide how you want to approach things going forward.

" Holding a grudge is like drinking poison while expecting the other person to die",
We are all human and we are all capable of making bad choices, people tend to do what they think is the right thing at the time, we all have 20/20 vision in hindsight.
l would try and draw a line under it. Focus on creating a wonderful way of life for yiurself, you deserve it.

I hold grudges but I don't verbalise it externally. My way of dealing with it is spending less time with these people but more time with people that bring me joy.

How do I move on with this grudge?

You’re not going to be able to move on until you address the matter honestly with yourself.

Look OP, this man sounds like an absolute dick, but your mum had the duty of responsibility to you, not him.

I imagine it is far easier to be angry with him rather than face the fact that your mum could have been a better mother to you. That she should have prioritied you and your needs. She didn’t and really, it’s not this arsehole’s fault. I understand why you feel as you do towards him, but you need to redirect your anger to the appropriate person and from there, start working through your feelings.

I agree that counselling would be a good start.