Can anyone help me forgive and not hold a grudge?

[RainbowBriteUk]

As a child we didn't have much money. Food wasn't scarce exactly but it wasn't plentiful neither. I knew not to ask for things and settled on cheap clothes. This resulted in name calling at school but it was what it was. Christmas and birthday presents were second hand or cheap.

About 15 years back my mum met a man online. He lived abroad and they met and married and he came to live here. For the first number of years I lived with them. Money was very tight but he was sending hundreds of pounds a week back to his family. As money was tight, my mum sold all my childhood belongings and many of her own possessions. She also sent some of my belongings over to his family. She asked before doing this but turned aggressive when I said no so the easiest thing was to let them go.

Despite money being tight, her husband refused to eat non-branded food which I hugely resented as it cost a fortune. Moreso, my mum and he spent a lot on buying presents for his family and flights home for him where also expensive during this frugal time.

I moved out when the resentment was too much but I still feel anger that during that time he didn't care that despite sending money over and his food choices being expensive because he refused to eat nothing that wasn't a brand name, my possessions were sold. He's still a twat in other ways and I feel huge resentment to him. I'm friendly to him and never let my feelings show but he ignores me (literally!). How do I move on with this grudge?

Its already been said but honestly, get some therapy.

I would not necessarily be going NC, as your mother sounds a beaten down and a bit of a victim, but that said you need much better boundaries because she was still complicit and there are fundamental failings on her part as a mother.

She sickness and the guilt you feel is something you need to explore and start to manage.

I’m confused about the time line

So how old were you when she met him?

The grudge is exhausting. My mother is supportive of me now but still makes excuses for him. I often feel like ending it all because I struggle with the guilt of feeling negative towards her when she was ill.

So what was your mother like your entire childhood and into your 20s before he came along?
I’m going to put money on there being issues with her before.
Whilst some women are abused by arseholes, you have to remember that sometimes arseholes just get together with arseholes.

I was early twenties when she met him.

@RainbowBriteUk

The grudge is exhausting. My mother is supportive of me now but still makes excuses for him. I often feel like ending it all because I struggle with the guilt of feeling negative towards her when she was ill.

So that’s a completely contradictory second sentence, and exactly the reason people are suggesting therapy.

It’s OK to feel very negatively towards your mother. Lots of people do, and lots of mothers deserve that.

@Cocomarine She was OK. She didn't have much money because she didn't work and spent loads of money on a 50 per day cigarette habit. We never had days out or holidays apart from when she was with a partner in my early childhood.

@RainbowBriteUk

The grudge is exhausting. My mother is supportive of me now but still makes excuses for him. I often feel like ending it all because I struggle with the guilt of feeling negative towards her when she was ill.

OP, look. You’re feelings of guilt are not normal in these circumstances and are typical of children who were raised in abusive home environments (clearly predating the time her husband entered your life).

Can you afford counselling privately? If not, please go to your GP and ask for a referral.

Why do you need to forgive?
Your mum barely met your needs, never had money for things you needed but managed to shower the mighty penis with plenty of offerings.
I'd hold a grudge too! She put cock before her child.

@RainbowBriteUk

I was early twenties when she met him.

So I don’t get the reference to your childhood. He wasn’t around then.

And when he came in to your life, you were earning money?

My mum has always maintained that it was me and my attitude rather than him or specifically them when I confronted her.

Because this absolves her of her own emotional neglect. She did that. Not just him.

As a child we didn't have much money. Food wasn't scarce exactly but it wasn't plentiful neither. I knew not to ask for things and settled on cheap clothes. This resulted in name calling at school but it was what it was. Christmas and birthday presents were second hand or cheap.

He wasn’t around then, was he?

I think she was also sending money over for his family after the first time they had met. I was working at the time and giving her money for board and that's what she was sending.

They were not great parents to you imo and I'm sure the majority reading this.
I'm so sorry that they didn't really show support to you. It was your mum's choice however and that's where I try to accept that other people's priorities wouldn't ever be mine. It's acceptance and making peace with that rather than forgiveness iyswim.

@RainbowBriteUk

I think she was also sending money over for his family after the first time they had met. I was working at the time and giving her money for board and that's what she was sending.

It was her business what she did with you board money

He wasn’t around for your difficult childhood, so despite being profoundly unpleasant, he can’t be blamed for that

That should read :I'm sure the majority reading this would agree.

You don't need to forgive anyone.
Your mum and her partner should never of sold your belongings and your mum should of been a better mother to you.
If anything I would go low contact with them both until they both apologise.
No mother should put a man before their children, it's just wrong on so many levels.

He wasn't around in my childhood, but I was pointing out that we had little money in my childhood, certainly only the cheapest food at ALDI, so I had to go without at times but soon as he comes along, he gets whatever he wants despite there still being very little money. Nice food, flights to his home country, a new car. I was paying £200 board per month at that point to my mum. It was all going on his expenses.

@Just10moreminutesplease

He sounds like a dick but it was your mum who let you down. She chose to prioritise him over you and continues to do so.

I would carefully consider whether you want a relationship with her and look into counselling. She acted appallingly .

I don't think she did intentionally. It sounds like emotional abuse to OP's mum. My own mum went through this until the bastard died.

Out of the money he was sending home, how much was he making?
If for example, he was the only one working snd your mum wasn’t, then he’s not unreasonable to support his family, if he chooses.
I’ve no problem with him spending money on flights to see his family either, unless it was your mum’s money.
In your early 20s, while living with them, were you working and contributing?

So why are you blaming him?

I’m really confused.

You had a deprived childhood.
You go a job.
Your mother used the £200 a month you gave for board to cut him things.

I really can’t see a problem

The selling your childhood dolls. This was wrong. How did they manage to do this with you living there?

@RainbowBriteUk

He wasn't around in my childhood, but I was pointing out that we had little money in my childhood, certainly only the cheapest food at ALDI, so I had to go without at times but soon as he comes along, he gets whatever he wants despite there still being very little money. Nice food, flights to his home country, a new car. I was paying £200 board per month at that point to my mum. It was all going on his expenses.

I’m sorry OP. But their finances aren’t any of your business.

@HikingforScenery He was making nothing at that point. My mum had a job which didn't pay great and I had a part time job.

I think selling someone else's possessions is wrong.