Can anyone help me forgive and not hold a grudge?

[RainbowBriteUk]

As a child we didn't have much money. Food wasn't scarce exactly but it wasn't plentiful neither. I knew not to ask for things and settled on cheap clothes. This resulted in name calling at school but it was what it was. Christmas and birthday presents were second hand or cheap.

About 15 years back my mum met a man online. He lived abroad and they met and married and he came to live here. For the first number of years I lived with them. Money was very tight but he was sending hundreds of pounds a week back to his family. As money was tight, my mum sold all my childhood belongings and many of her own possessions. She also sent some of my belongings over to his family. She asked before doing this but turned aggressive when I said no so the easiest thing was to let them go.

Despite money being tight, her husband refused to eat non-branded food which I hugely resented as it cost a fortune. Moreso, my mum and he spent a lot on buying presents for his family and flights home for him where also expensive during this frugal time.

I moved out when the resentment was too much but I still feel anger that during that time he didn't care that despite sending money over and his food choices being expensive because he refused to eat nothing that wasn't a brand name, my possessions were sold. He's still a twat in other ways and I feel huge resentment to him. I'm friendly to him and never let my feelings show but he ignores me (literally!). How do I move on with this grudge?

What a pair of arseholes they are.
I'd walk away and not look back, but not before telling the pair of them what I really thought of them. How dare he ignore you! That is showing you utter contempt.
Don't let yourself be treated this way.
The best revenge is to build a brilliant life for yourself and I really hope you do.

I want to forgive my mum because she's recently been very poorly, though she's better now. I just feel that she deserves better. If I had a partner who wouldn't cook, clean or get himself up, i.e. did absolutely nothing for himself, she'd be rightly concerned.

There were also times they had loud sex, knowing I could hear. This was when I was an adult, in my 20's. The first time I asked them to keep it down and she had a full on aggressive argument with me yet the loud sex continued.

@Moonface123

" Holding a grudge is like drinking poison while expecting the other person to die", We are all human and we are all capable of making bad choices, people tend to do what they think is the right thing at the time, we all have 20/20 vision in hindsight. l would try and draw a line under it. Focus on creating a wonderful way of life for yiurself, you deserve it.

Bullshit, @Moonface123 just because it sounds good on grudge magnet, doesn’t mean it’s actually helpful or healthy.

More: holding a grudge is your brain’s way of telling you that that person right there is giving you sips of their poison, and if you drink it you’ll slowly die.

So yes, draw a line under it and focus on creating a wonderful life - but recognise that to do, you probably need to remove the ongoing source of poison.

“Wise” sound bites are generally just nonsense.

*grudge magnet = fridge magnet 🤣

I’m afraid I don’t have any advice as if the same had happened to me I would never speak to either of them again! You were treated badly and I think it’s perfectly natural for you to feel angry and resentful about it.

I do understand it must be difficult to live with these feelings though and for your own sake (certainly not theirs), it might be helpful to seek counselling. Not because the way you feel is wrong but because it continues to have a negative effect on you and you don’t deserve that. I hope you find a way forward op, you are a far more forgiving soul than me.

You can't control your mum. You can control you.
You can go no-contact with him. Just don't agree to anything where he will be there. If he arrives, leave. Warn your mum that this is the action you've decided to take.
For your mum, she is in an emotionally at least abusive relationship. Like many she is in denial of it.
It's up to you how you deal with this. Does your mum bring anything positive to your life?

I ask him questions about his life, work, his family etc and he ignores me or occasionally gives one word answers. Never returns the question though. I brought it up with my mum and she says that it's just his way. They manage to have conversations. If we (rarely) see any of my family, he makes the effort to have a conversation with them. It's just me then.

An adult in their 20s who doesn’t want to hear their mother having sex should move out.

That said, the parent should have the good manners to keep the noise down whilst new accommodation is found.

In the context of their other selfishness though - it’s just more shit, isn’t it?

So what that she got sick? Doesn’t change who she is.

Don’t forgive
He’s not seeking forgiveness

You were failed terribly. By your mother. Not him.

He sounds deeply unpleasant. You don’t like him. You owe him nothing. He doesn’t owe you anything. Move on.

As for your mother…

I did confront my mum but she denied it all and then she got ill. I then dropped everything and tried to put everything behind me. I guess going away with them and him completely ignoring me (and being allowed to) really brought these feelings to the forefront again.

You live at home?

Do you earn money?

@Oftenithinkaboutit I moved out years and years ago. This all happened about 15 years ago. He's still ignoring me now though except now I don't have to see him if I don't want to so I see him very rarely.

Stop being friendly. Why should you act as if this did not happen.? I wouldnt be overly friendly with your mum either. I think that trying to do this is keeping it up in front of your mind. You dont have to be rude, but a little distance - civil, instead of friendly - may help. At the moment, when you act friendly you are downplaying your own emotions and reactions.

@RainbowBriteUk

I did confront my mum but she denied it all and then she got ill. I then dropped everything and tried to put everything behind me. I guess going away with them and him completely ignoring me (and being allowed to) really brought these feelings to the forefront again.

But you can’t just put things behind you and suppress your feelings. It’s obviously easier for you to direct your feelings towards him rather than your mum, because that discussion got you nowhere. And I imagine you feel guilty to pick up on that discussion with her in case she gets ill again.

So you’re focusing your anger on him. Which will ultimately not solve anything for you, because really, he’s not the problem OP.

I would prioritise your own life now ,and try not to see them so much .Just LC if you cant face them cutting them off altogether! Thing is you have suffered from your Mums poor choices .Its is upsetting that your thing got sold ,but you cant do anything about it now . Its just "stuff" as my Cousin said to me when some jewellery and valuable books got take from Mums flat when she was ill. Maybe some counselling would help you? Many women (esp older ones) seem to want a husband at any cost ,you are right that she could do a lot better ,but to her she has convinced herself that "hes the one" Sadly!

things got sold obv!

[quote RainbowBriteUk]@Oftenithinkaboutit I moved out years and years ago. This all happened about 15 years ago. He's still ignoring me now though except now I don't have to see him if I don't want to so I see him very rarely.[/quote]
He sold your dolls 15 years ago?

I asked her recently if he made her happy and she said he did.

It really is your mother Op
Not him

You don’t have children do you?
If you do… you will begin to direct your sadness at anger at your mother because you will realise how appallingly she behaved and failed you

I wouldn’t bother with either one of them. Your mother is too weak to stand up for herself or to protect you when you needed it - and he is a first class bastard. Keep hold of the grudge and use it to build a massive boundary between you and them. Toxic people don’t change because they don’t believe they are wrong. The only way to deal with them is to remove them from your life.

This isn’t a grudge. You have very valid feelings.

In your shoes, they would have been completely cut out of my life the second I could leave.

I wouldn't let this go or forgive them.

Being very blunt here op, but your mum is not a mother. A mother doesn't do that to their children. A mother does not choose a man over her children. She is a woman who had kids, but she's not a mother. She's a pretty shit person in all honesty. He is a disgrace as well of course and seems to be a pretty poor excuse for a human but you cannot change either of them.

It would probably make me feel better to go round to their house, scream at them both and tell them every truth about themselves, not letting them speak at all and just shout over the top of anything they say, then walk out and never speak to them again. But I appreciate that would be hard to do.

You deserve better than either of them in your life op. It sucks that your mum is like this, but unfortunately we can't choose our family. They don't define us though, and you're better than her. You don't need her in your life.

My mum has always maintained that it was me and my attitude rather than him or specifically them when I confronted her.

I don't think I would be investing any more of my time and attention in either of these people who have treated you so so badly.
I think what my forgiveness would like like would be to take the shape of letting it all go. Release the link. Walk away and leave it all behind, to go forth into the future and make it so all the things you have in your life that you actively have a choice about are positive additions only. No more servicing old ties that merely drive home the old messages that you're feelings don't count, are irrelevant and don't get airtime.
Once you have the sweet breeze of freedom from this constant dismissal of your worth your anger and resentment (which is valid) will have been permitted an outlet (at long last) and can fade to where it belongs as just part of the fabric of your past but no longer an active force.
Your emotions are telling you something and trying to box them up and shut them away isn't the path to forgiveness.
True forgiveness can only come from true regret on the part of the protagonist which you don't have.

I also don't feel my complaints are valid because this happened when I was an adult rather than a child. Perhaps as i'm adult my mother has a right to live her life as she pleases.