Can anyone help me forgive and not hold a grudge?

[RainbowBriteUk]

As a child we didn't have much money. Food wasn't scarce exactly but it wasn't plentiful neither. I knew not to ask for things and settled on cheap clothes. This resulted in name calling at school but it was what it was. Christmas and birthday presents were second hand or cheap.

About 15 years back my mum met a man online. He lived abroad and they met and married and he came to live here. For the first number of years I lived with them. Money was very tight but he was sending hundreds of pounds a week back to his family. As money was tight, my mum sold all my childhood belongings and many of her own possessions. She also sent some of my belongings over to his family. She asked before doing this but turned aggressive when I said no so the easiest thing was to let them go.

Despite money being tight, her husband refused to eat non-branded food which I hugely resented as it cost a fortune. Moreso, my mum and he spent a lot on buying presents for his family and flights home for him where also expensive during this frugal time.

I moved out when the resentment was too much but I still feel anger that during that time he didn't care that despite sending money over and his food choices being expensive because he refused to eat nothing that wasn't a brand name, my possessions were sold. He's still a twat in other ways and I feel huge resentment to him. I'm friendly to him and never let my feelings show but he ignores me (literally!). How do I move on with this grudge?

In that scenario, as your mother

I would have been engaging with you
I would have been telling him to stop interrupting you

In fact…

I would never have married him in the first place

@RainbowBriteUk

and she allowed it to happen.

Bingo!!!!

@RainbowBriteUk

Plus paying £200 a month to go home to be ignored (neither of them spoke to me when I got in from work). If I did speak, he used to butt in to talk about something completely different and only to my mum.

Even 15 years ago, £200 for board and lodgings was fuck all. That’s not the issue here. You’re only focusing on it because it’s uncomfortable to admit to yourself that your mum is trash.

5 pages in OP
And you’ve got it

He’s a twat. But he came in to your life when you were an adult. He’s unpleasant but didn’t owe you a thing

You mother however… have you a deprived childhood
But magicked you money for a lover

@Oftenithinkaboutit When I brought it up with her that he ignored me or interrupted me constantly I was aggressively told that I hated him and that it was 'just his way'.

Yet I still think he's an utter cunt. He could've said to my mum that he would wait til finances are better to fly home/have nice food etc. Instead we had to sell our possessions to fund his twattish lifestyle

So essentially, had he been a better person you could have just continued ignoring the fact that your mum has not been a good one to you.

Ok I’ll bow out OP
Head. Wall. Bang.

When we recently went away she tried to tell me that it was just his way when I brought up that he'd said about three things to me the whole break. He'd slagged off our location. He wasn't even invited. He just turned up. He's throughly unpleasant.

@Oftenithinkaboutit What do you want me to say/do?

It might be my mum who's at the root of it but it doesn't stop him from being an utter twat.

@Vivi0

Sorry I re-read the OP and now appreciate that it's the stepfather she bears the resentment for, rather than the mother. I felt so cross with the mother when I read it what I projected where OP was coming from.

The man is a selfish rude misogynistic twat for sure. That's a separate issue though. But it's the OP's mother who has hurt her yet OP sees her as another victim.

I suppose its easier to blame someone overtly horrible who you do not love and would not fear losing, but the grudge is better placed with the mother. As to how to deal with it, that will come down to whether OP can accept that her mother is weak and flawed and well, not a great mother.

@Vivi0 Not at all, but when he came along and he's ignorant towards me, i'm battling both of them.

You don’t have to battle either of them.
You need to understand (and you won’t, instantly, today) why it’s so important to you to keep in contact with her.

OP it sounds to me like you mother is to blame for EVERYTHING! She is the one responsible for spending money on cigarettes instead of on good food or day trips etc when you were a child, he wasn't even around then.

You really can't blame him for your feelings, it's your mother you should be angry at, and holding a grudge against. He's just an ignorant, selfish, twat, who for whatever reason your mother clearly adores.

I can't believe that if you were 20 when a lot of this happened, that you allowed them to sell your possessions, you were an adult for goodness sake, why didn't you just stand up to them and say no.

My advice - cut them both out of your life completely. Get some counselling, and move on. You don't need either of these people in your life.

I notice you don't mention your current situation, are you now in a relationship, do you have a job, your own home, or children? If you have one, or all of these things, then put them first, concentrate on making those things the best you possibly can, and with counselling, hopefully you'll be able to put the past behind you.

You need to accept that he is your mum's partner and she has chosen this life. They have been together at least 15 years. Their relationship dynamic isn't going to change.
Counselling might help you or reading Boundaries. Also if any of the possessions are still available to buy then buy new ones and keep them as a reminder to have boundaries and to disengage from the toxicity of your DM's partner.

Your mum is the problem and he is just an extension of that. She sounds quite nasty to you and maybe you should start thinking about going low contact.

He only does to you what your mother allows him to. She couldn’t control his behaviour but she could control his being in your lives.

If she cared or felt protection of you she would have binned him ages ago.

He sounds awful but your mother sounds worse. Much worse as he didn’t owe you a thing.

You're an adult, and he's an adult. He chooses how to conduct himself; you get to do the same. Which includes not liking him and choosing not to spend any time with him. You also don't need to make conversation with him if he's ignoring you.

Women get socialised to be nice, but there's no reason you need to be nice to a rude person.

I would simply be honest - you don't like him and you're not willing to spend time with him. You'll enjoy meeting up with your mum when he's not there; if he joins you on holiday, you pack up and leave. He interrupts your conversation to start his own with your mum - call him out on how rude that is. He shrugs it off, you leave.

Be polite, but also honest and matter-of-fact about why you're leaving. You wouldn't put up with rudeness like that in the workplace, why should you tolerate it in your personal life?

At some point you might decide it's not worth trying to spend time with your mum if you keep having to leave because of him. That's a decision you'll have to make for yourself.

The sex thing , if they would do that with another adult hearing it, then they would do it regardless of a child hearing it. The fact she got aggressive when you complained is beyond belief! I would literally die of embarrassment if I had done something like that.

@RainbowBriteUk

and she allowed it to happen.

She did, but you were an adult too. What was happening in your life that you allowed it to happen?

@RainbowBriteUk

I ask him questions about his life, work, his family etc and he ignores me or occasionally gives one word answers. Never returns the question though. I brought it up with my mum and she says that it's just his way. They manage to have conversations. If we (rarely) see any of my family, he makes the effort to have a conversation with them. It's just me then.

That's probably because he doesn't feel any need to put a show on for you, after all, your mother clearly doesn't care about you or your feelings, so he doesn't. She's defending him all the time "it's just his way" so he feels no need to make an effort with you.

But I would guess your mother does care about how her wider family perceive her, so he plays along with that, it's just a public show.

And I know this all sounds harsh, but I think counselling will help you to accept that this is the mother you have.

You don't have to forgive, unless it helps you move on. Forgiving someone is for your sake, not theirs, it's about what helps you, but only when you are ready. Forgiving someone should never be at someone else's timescale or behest.

You don't always need to forgive to move on. I came to acceptance of my ex's abuse (including rape), mainly because he died and I can move on without him looking over my shoulder. I haven't forgiven him, but it doesn't eat me up, I'm not bitter, I'm having a better life without him.

Stop bothering to make an effort with him, and try and see your mother on her own. I'm sorry you have this crap in your life.

You were seriously mistreated as a child. It's not about the belongings, it's about the fact you were made to feel less important than her new man in that your stuff could be sold so he could eat branded food.
I'm sorry you had to go through it all

[quote RainbowBriteUk]@Vivi0 Not at all, but when he came along and he's ignorant towards me, i'm battling both of them.[/quote]
You don’t need to battle either of them.

If you need to fight this hard to be treated with respect in a relationship, it is not a relationship worth having.

Not everyone gets the mum they deserve. There is nothing wrong with you, there is nothing wrong with feeling the way you do. But it will do you no favours to hold a grudge against this man when it is your mum who is accountable to you. And for how things were when you were a child.

You say your mum deserves better. Does she?

I think you deserve better.

You do sound quite emotionally enmeshed with your mum. What is your life like? Do you have a partner? Children? A job?

@VeganCheesePlease

You were seriously mistreated as a child. It's not about the belongings, it's about the fact you were made to feel less important than her new man in that your stuff could be sold so he could eat branded food. I'm sorry you had to go through it all

He came in to her mother’s life when op was In her twenties

He was in the wrong. But do was your mum. She was enabling him. And still is...
And she defends him? Over your hurt feelings... ouch

Id say: just go on with life. Really
You're not gonna get your childhood back.nor your possessions. Nor is he gonna change. Or your mum for that matter.

It might be time to speak to a psychologist and get this sorted. No need to carry this emotional burden with you for longer.