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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He can't regulate his drinking - I'm done

97 replies

Aliceinwanderland98 · 23/10/2021 23:33

As the title says. I have never had a night out socially with him where there has been alcohol where he has made it to the end of the evening without passing out, disappearing into a taxi home without me not caring where I was, or falling asleep on the table or the floor (this happens both in pubs and at our own kitchen table if/when we have guests). We have been together for 8 years and each year he has said he won't be a mess but I find myself apologising to people on his behalf constantly, and it is just relentless.

I am so exhausted of minding a 35 year old man. I am so tired of apologising for him.

I don't know why I'm posting. I just feel really done this time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Aliceinwanderland98 · 23/10/2021 23:37

Bump

OP posts:
StripeyDeckchair · 23/10/2021 23:41

I'm sorry. Alcoholics are tough to live with. You can't mend him, he has to want to mend himself and it doesn't sound like he wants to.
All you can decide is if you want to continue to live with this.
I wouldn't in your shoes, 8 years is long enough.

Wishing you strength whatever you do next.

toomuchlaundry · 23/10/2021 23:43

Do you have children?

Original poster
Aliceinwanderland98 · 23/10/2021 23:46

@StripeyDeckchair thank you for your response. Yes it is unbearable. I am exhausted. He doesn't ever see the issue, doesn't know how he got home, or when, or what events u folded to get him there. Even when we went next door last weekend for a 40th I had to convert to babysitter mode after the first two hours at most, it was grim. He doesn't remember.

OP posts:
Original poster
Aliceinwanderland98 · 23/10/2021 23:47

@toomuchlaundry yes we do. Two wonderful DDs aged 2 and 4 years old.

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 23/10/2021 23:47

Get rid

Original poster
Aliceinwanderland98 · 23/10/2021 23:49

@RampantIvy I like the concise advice here!

OP posts:
Weenurse · 23/10/2021 23:50

You can’t change him, you can only change yourself and your circumstances.
What do you choose going forward?

catfunk · 23/10/2021 23:50

He's an alcoholic and I'd get rid before it starts to affect the kids

kittenkipping · 23/10/2021 23:56

Babysitting. Urgh. No wonder you are done. I couldn't have a sexual relationship with a man I had to mother to babysit. That's a specific fetish that isn't usually compatible with normal life.

The fact that he's not apologising for himself, changing his behaviour for himself (because he's embarrassed from last time) is grim. These are lesson we learned as late teens he first times we get drunk. He didn't learn and sees no problem?! Urgh. You are right to step back and drop this burden

Original poster
Aliceinwanderland98 · 23/10/2021 23:59

@kittenkipping yes, I know it's grim. He has a good job and income to match but for the love of me I can't understand how he has made it this far in life.
I dread social occasions with him,I say to him in advance just please stay awake and if you feel yourself passing out, tell me and I will leave with you. How embarrassing for a woman of 33 years old to be saying that.

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 24/10/2021 00:02

Does he drive?

Original poster
Aliceinwanderland98 · 24/10/2021 00:08

@toomuchlaundry yes he does. He has often had a few drinks and then got in the car to go ad get more wine from the local restaurant. It's dangerous and embarrassing but I have no control over it.

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 24/10/2021 00:10

Yes you have, you can report him for drink driving

drinkingcherrywine · 24/10/2021 00:10

Being married to an alcoholic is fucking boring.

You are going to love feeling safe on your own with your dc, have a glass of wine with dinner whenever you want without having to switch to alert mode. Keep drink in the house for special occasions and it still be there when you want it. Go out and leave the dc with a babysitter and know that everything is fine at home and your children are safe. Never having to worry about making it to planned events on time or having to apologise for something you did not do. You will no longer be responsible for someone else's relentlessly poor choices, which is exhausting and not what being a team is about. Your children will get through their teenage years without being equally exhausted by having to take over the role of shepherd for you.

If he gets help and changes great, just know that won't happen because of you, it will happen regardless of what you do if it is going to happen. His drinking is not your fault, you have no influence over him and you will not have anything to do with his recovery.

No wonder you're exhausted.

Take a break, you're exhausted, make it a long break and see how it feels. See how nice life is when you only have to mother your children. You owe them not him.

You cannot control others only your response.Flowers

Wingedharpy · 24/10/2021 00:12

Does he think he has a drink problem?
This is key, because, if he doesn't, he will never take any steps to address this - and no-one else can do this for him.

makingmiracles · 24/10/2021 00:14

Honestly, I had a partner who drinks, but never drink drives. I would be ringing the police and informing them which restaurant he’s going to to get the drink when he next drink drives so they catch him at it. It’s lucky for him that so far the restaurant hasn’t reported him, they must smell alcohol on him. My yrs ago ex was done this way, he drove to local 24/7 esso and esso staff smelt it on him, police waiting to stop him on the last roundabout before his house, 18m ban and a fine.

It’s so bloody dangerous, he could kill someone and you’d have that on your conscience as you knew he’d gone out driving after drinking.

Bettybantz · 24/10/2021 00:14

I love a drink and sometimes overdo it but that lack of self/social awareness would really upset me. It’s not fair to make you the default responsible one every time.

What are the people you socialise with like? Is he always way more wasted than everyone else?

It doesn’t sound like a lot of fun. Doesn’t he get hanxiety when he’s shown himself up?

WithMyEncyclopedia · 24/10/2021 00:15

My sister had a drunk driver smash into her wall a few nights ago. Their 4yo had been playing near the same spot but luckily not at the time of the crash. The damage is terrible and that's even with no-one being seriously hurt.

Please, please do whatever you can to get it stopped - report him, whatever. Please!

WithMyEncyclopedia · 24/10/2021 00:15

(To help get it stopped- obviously you can't control him)

CheshireChat · 24/10/2021 00:23

As the daughter of an alcoholic man- it's fantastic news that you've left him.

Original poster
Aliceinwanderland98 · 24/10/2021 00:27

@CheshireChat unfortunately I am also the daughter of an alcoholic, and I also have not left him YET.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 24/10/2021 00:33

What is it going to take for you to leave him? You want your children repeating the same exact nightmare cycle that you have? Being raised with an alcoholic almost guarantees it. Please save your kids from this fate.

LuluJakey1 · 24/10/2021 00:34

Children who grow up living with an alcoholic parent are much more likely to have alcohol problems themselves. Chuck him out.

Original poster
Aliceinwanderland98 · 24/10/2021 00:41

@LuluJakey1 I am well aware. I've just got a new job and in six months I'll be much more able to fight my corner financially, right now he is the breadwinner but I worked my ass off this year and got myself a promotion. As soon as that happens I'll be looking to make a move.

OP posts: