He can't regulate his drinking - I'm done

[Aliceinwanderland98]

As the title says. I have never had a night out socially with him where there has been alcohol where he has made it to the end of the evening without passing out, disappearing into a taxi home without me not caring where I was, or falling asleep on the table or the floor (this happens both in pubs and at our own kitchen table if/when we have guests). We have been together for 8 years and each year he has said he won't be a mess but I find myself apologising to people on his behalf constantly, and it is just relentless.

I am so exhausted of minding a 35 year old man. I am so tired of apologising for him.

I don't know why I'm posting. I just feel really done this time.

The final straw for me was when EXP got that drunk he shit himself then asked to piss in my mouth.

FF ten years I now have a wondefull DH and 2 DDs (one is EXPs). We're all very happy.

Me and DH had a date night last night. I can't tell you how refreshing it was to just a few drinks, no drama 😊.

Good luck OP, get rid life's too short. You've got your girls, you've got this!

@WickedWitchOfTheTrent oh the Christmas parties, that's a great question. The last one he went to, his boss was giving him a lift home after it as he lives nearby-ish. My DP was absolutely bladdered and passed out in his boss' car, the poor man had some job trying to get my DP to the door. He was supposed to be looking after the kids the next day so that I could pick up the last of their Santa presents but he could barely move with the hangover. He also left my Christmas present out on the floor so when I came down in the middle of the night to check if he'd got home I saw my present just sitting on the floor. I know that gifts are just material things but it's the lack of consideration that really disappoints me.

My God, what a selfish arse he is. To be doing all this to the people around him, yet not urgently seeking all the help he can lay his hands on.

He isn't doing all of this to annoy. He is unwell.

@milkyaqua that doesn't mean that the op has to live a miserable life picking up after him and watching him decline though. Giving away your one shot at a happy existence for an addict is madness.

YANBU at all to be planning a life away from this shit for you and your girls. Good luck

@chocolateorangeinhaler

If he does this at every social occasion where alcohol is present then why do you keep going to these type of occasions? You wouldn't take a heroin addict to an opium den and ask them not to partake and sit in the corner quietly as you know exactly what would happen. Same with going out to pubs for you. You need to remove the temptation. Addiction is an illness and he sounds very ill with it.

What is it with social situations that make him drink to the point of blackouts? It sounds as if he's using the alcohol to get through them as he can't do it sober for whatever reason.

This is bizarre & terrible advice.

You are telling OP that not only must she take responsibility for her partner's alcoholism, she must curtail her own social life.

That's not helping - it's enabling.
It's not up to OP to "remove the temptation" FFS.
She didn't cause it, she can't control it, & she can't cure it.

Only her partner can do that, & it looks like he doesn't want to.
So OP's remaining option is to leave, & make a new, safe, reliable & secure home for her & her DC.

Please get rid of him, your children don't need an alcoholic in the house, it will ruin their childhood.

As you’re the dd of an alcoholic then you know how important it is to leave for your dc’s sake.
My dm is the dd of an alcoholic and although my dgf died when I was 2 it still affected me and my siblings because of how it affected my dm.

If you haven’t already then google adult child of an alcoholic.

[quote ToastCrumbsOnAPlate]@milkyaqua that doesn't mean that the op has to live a miserable life picking up after him and watching him decline though. Giving away your one shot at a happy existence for an addict is madness.[/quote]
That was hardly the intention of my post, or any of my previous posts on this thread! Having been there and got an entire wardrobe of tshirts, my point is it is better to live in reality. Someone has to in this situation.

It is pointless to expect an alcoholic or addict to just stop, moderate their behaviour, drink like a normal person, etc etc. He isn't doing any of this to upset the OP, he is doing it because he is an alcoholic - whether that be of the binge type or otherwise - and I think in this situation you have to arm yourself with the facts.

She says she's getting out in six months, I think? Best to get in touch with reality in the meantime, and seek support for dealing with her current reality in having a partner who is an alcoholic, and as an adult child of an alcoholic, whether with therapy or group support such as many of us have found in Al-Anon.

@milkyaqua , my post wasn't deliberately argumentative.

I'm just aware that it's very easy to (as the spouse of an addict) feel like you owe it to them to nurse them better. Calling it an illness in a thread like this can encourage that.

At the end of the day he's ruining her (and her children's) lives with his alcoholism. And it is bloody selfish however you dress it up.

I'm not trying to argue! I was just clarifying my intentions. Which I don't think I can make any clearer, and which you still don't seem to understand.

Yes, he is ruining their lives - but he is not doing it deliberately to ruin her/their lives. Most of the anecdotes on this thread by the OP seem to suggest he should just buck up and stop this silly behaviour. It's denial. It's not helpful.

I didn't call it 'an illness'. That said, he is not well.

I’ve been where you are. The only way I found peace was to leave. I didn’t realise how traumatised I was until I left. I had the same things - falling asleep face down in a curry when we were out, too pissed to walk back to a hotel, completely out of it at home on a Saturday night sat on the floor rocking and talking to himself. It will not get better.

I have a family member in a similar situation to you, children are older and the damage it's done to them is incredibly bad . Your kids are young enough that it's not effecting them so bad yet but I'm glad to see you are able to leave. The problem is the drinker won't admit they have a problem. He needs to feel the consequences of it not have it brushed under the carpet. I dread family occasions where alcohol is involved because of my relative .so Christmas is going to be difficult

Get rid for sure. He's an alcoholic and it will only get worse.

Do it now for the children's sakes.

@ToastCrumbsOnAPlate

Addiction IS an illness. Are you saying anorexia isn't an illness too and we shouldn't help those that suffer with that?

The OP could simply help by removing all alcohol from the home and stop going to places that revolve around drink and expecting her DH to not drink or drink but not get drunk. It's triggering having a drink problem to be around people who are all drinking.

I lived with an alcoholic for 5 years, excused his behaviour, lies, moods, tantrums, acting like an overgrown toddler, I watched him die from alcoholism age 34, drown in his own blood as his lungs haemorrhaged. He thought he could beat the system when he was diagnosed with cirrhosis of the liver, thought he was clever when he refused the chance to detox & save his life. I watched him have gallons of fluid drained off his stomach due to his liver failing, him constantly throwing up because he couldn't keep anything down but still insisting on drinking his cider with Vodka chasers. Him being so desperate for alcohol that he secretly drank my bottle of baileys in the fridge & him only confessing when I wanted a drink. Him having to keep a can at the side of the bed because he couldn't get through the night without a drink, I had to wash & dress him like a toddler because his shakes were so bad, his brain so full of toxins that he didn't know what day it was & couldn't answer the simplest question. Is this really the life you want for yourself? You deserve better, be stronger than I was & get rid.

Think of your children. They're going to grow up, and see daddy like this. They will be teenagers one day, staying up.late or coming downstairs to see what the commotion about. It's distressing and worrying for them. Why would you put them through it? Our next door neighbour is an alcoholic, married with 2 teenage sons. I feel sorry for the lads helping to drag their dad home. Sometimes I see their dad collapsed outside in the road, either the police or an ambulance has to be called. Its fucking embarrassing that a father cannot moderate his drinks. He drinks all day, every day in the garden. Surely the answer is not to drink?! His sons have gone from nice, bubbly, chatty boys, into withdrawn shells. They avoid eye contact and don't speak. They scuttle with their backs hunched over, its pitiful to see. If you love your children then you will leave your husband to stop him from.damaging them. Otherwise you're being very selfish, by think of only yourself.

@Beautiful3

Think of your children. They're going to grow up, and see daddy like this. They will be teenagers one day, staying up.late or coming downstairs to see what the commotion about. It's distressing and worrying for them. Why would you put them through it? Our next door neighbour is an alcoholic, married with 2 teenage sons. I feel sorry for the lads helping to drag their dad home. Sometimes I see their dad collapsed outside in the road, either the police or an ambulance has to be called. Its fucking embarrassing that a father cannot moderate his drinks. He drinks all day, every day in the garden. Surely the answer is not to drink?! His sons have gone from nice, bubbly, chatty boys, into withdrawn shells. They avoid eye contact and don't speak. They scuttle with their backs hunched over, its pitiful to see. If you love your children then you will leave your husband to stop him from.damaging them. Otherwise you're being very selfish, by think of only yourself.

The OP has mentioned a few times now she is leaving in approximately six months time when she has the financial backing to do so (recently secured a promotion).

@chocolateorangeinhaler I said nothing about anorexia. Don't twist my words.

I also said nothing about him 'doing it in purpose'.

Look , if anyone wants to help alcoholics then who am I to stop you? I was simply saying (in a shitty way clearly) , that you get one life. Living it with an addict is a waste of the op's and her kids. I lived with an alcoholic from birth until aged 28 , first my parent, then my exh. My support is for the op in her bid to get away. I wish her luck.

And I won't be engaging with any more posts by people twisting my words.

I did ask our OP if she had to wait for several months until she left the relationship, as my immediate preference was for her to leave soonest possible to minimise the affect of her partner’s behaviours on her children.

However, I accept what OP has said as she has a plan towards a more independent certain future. Yes, she could fly through the door into a better brighter future but would a place to live be ready & available, would there be enough money in reserve to fund a fresh start & so on. My preference came from thinking of her children’s experience of their drunken selfish sot of a father, upon reflection I know that OP’s calm ordered approach will safeguard her children better & more securely.

I admire OP for her considered approach. Her relationship is grinding to a shuddering halt due to the impact of his problems with alcohol - OK, alcoholism. She is facing into the wind & I reckon she’ll come through all this.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, alcoholics are treated by medical people & it is their bodies & minds that are destroyed by prolonged intake of excessive alcohol over a long period of time. But is it an illness?

Certainly addiction is the hook & substance abuse is the game, but is that an illness?
It is a disease, a dis-ease of the mind, body & spirit, but an illness?
Certainly, people can be helpless in the presence of alcohol & complete abstinence only is what works for many.
As you may tell, I struggle or quibble with the concept of alcoholism as an illness.

He obviously is not well or doing well.

Have you ever videod him and shown him when he is sober what a dickhead he is?