He can't regulate his drinking - I'm done

[Aliceinwanderland98]

As the title says. I have never had a night out socially with him where there has been alcohol where he has made it to the end of the evening without passing out, disappearing into a taxi home without me not caring where I was, or falling asleep on the table or the floor (this happens both in pubs and at our own kitchen table if/when we have guests). We have been together for 8 years and each year he has said he won't be a mess but I find myself apologising to people on his behalf constantly, and it is just relentless.

I am so exhausted of minding a 35 year old man. I am so tired of apologising for him.

I don't know why I'm posting. I just feel really done this time.

I saw that you are the child of an alcoholic, so you have a reasonable idea of how his life is going to go, & the impact of alcoholism on children of any age.

You know that you can no longer be in this relationship - for yourself or your children.

I saw also that you expect to be in a position professionally & financially to part from him later this year. Do you really have to wait that long?

Until you are apart, change your behaviours now. No more enabling, no more pretence to save face.

If he’s been drinking & gets in the car to drive, tell the police. FFS he might cause an accident & kill/injure someone if not himself, you or your children. Do not collude with this irresponsible & criminal action. Telling the police is you taking control.

He falls down drunk, leave him there.
Let him deal with the consequences of his actions.

Go home without him.
Don’t apologise, people already know he’s a drunk.

By covering his arse, you are softening his life so that he does not face or heed the consequences of his actions. This may delay his realisation of his problem.

Are you in contact with Al-Anon for support for you?

Get yourself some free support in the meantime. Alanon is online nowadays, and is really helpful in validating one's feelings and experience and clarifying what is and isn't within your control.

What a shame for you, I get this because my uncle is an alcoholic and my aunt has put up with it for years. They recently had a friends wedding to attend and I worried since they were invited as I feel my aunt can’t ever enjoy a social event. Anyway they booked a room and he took himself to bed and she was able to enjoy the wedding g but it’s still embarrassing and disappointing she can’t spend a nice ocassion with her husband. Sadly my uncle will never change. I will also not leave my children with them, which is awful as I love my aunt to bits but she covers up for him. He is tue type who hides bottles and I worry the kids will find them. This is so sad but true that those with an addiction will always put alcohol first.
It’s absolutely awful op

I mention Al-Anon.

You present well as you have insight & are working towards independence. But you will likely have unresolved emotions & behaviours from your childhood experiences of an alcoholic parent.

You may find that this period of being the adult in an alcohol affected relationship & taking action to protect yourself & your children is affirming, & it may also bring up some buried hurt feelings. Understandable & something that Al-Anon recognises & may offer you some peer support.

It looks to me like you've made your decision and you have your plan in place. That's wonderful, well done. It won't be too long before you're out on the other side, living a safe peaceful life with your DDs. Nobody needs an alcoholic for a partner.

‘ He knows what he's like, but I am the fool who has stayed with him so he probably thinks I'm too much of a weak person to leave. Perhaps it wouldn't be as bad if he was a great partner and father when sober, but he's not really that either to be honest.’

Ugh, enough of him already.

You are not a fool: not then, not now, not ever.

Obviously you have given him the benefit of the doubt many times before. You have brought two beautiful loved children into the world.

For a while, he must have been the beez kneez for you to overcome any doubts you had about his drinking - not noticeable first? selectively sober? offering a great family life with a responsible successful man? nothing like your father - seemingly?

So you are where you are. You have had enough - 100% MNetters say YANBU.

Protect your kids from the experience of alcoholism in the family.
Move on, out & up as soon as you can.
Stop colluding right now, this very minute.

You can do this.

Oh, @RampantIvy is right.

No. 1 step of MNet ‘Get ducks in a row’ programme is to collect information about everything financial & legal about house, salaries, pensions & savings. Be prepared.

If he has been very successful, you need to be sure that when it comes to formal financial arrangements & settlements, all the information is known.

Does he want to stop? Does he even care?

Thank you @UniversalAunt. Watching the shitshow of my SIL's life is a very stark reminder that life is too short to put up with this kind of behaviour. Having an alcoholic for a husband who has never supported her has completely sapped away any self-confidence she ever had. She is in a bad place right now and is having some counselling.

Speak to Al anon they are also there to help and support families of alcoholics.

His main relationship is with alcohol at the moment, he won't prioritise anything above that, not work, not kids not you. Until he reaches rock bottom that will never change.

Does he go out on his own to work do's? Surely he can't be like this when with his work colleagues at Christmas?

Op that is a fantastic decision and one which will transform your life. Get your ducks in a row.

The suggestions of al-anon support are good ones. They may have ideas that other people without experience with alcoholics wouldn’t think of.

I would just stop socialising with him until you leave. Use that time to start planning your future instead.

Best wishes

It's great you e made the decision to separate once you are able.

Prepare yourself for the emotional blackmail when you split and the custody situation.

I would start making notes of all the times he does drink from now on and the outcome. You may need this evidence.

I was in a similar position to you and it was fucking awful. He wasn’t my kids dad so it made splitting up easier but I never once regretted getting rid, only that I’d got myself into that position in the first place.
Just remember you don’t deserve to be in a relationship where you, your children, your home and security come second to his need for alcohol

And personally I would report him for drink driving, it gives you the evidence you may need in the future that he has a drink problem

Please please report him if he drives after drinking. you could be saving someones life

8 years.

What a waste.

Now that you have made the decision, focus totally on planning.

Start organising yourself to siphon off as much extra money as you can.

Hid it with someone you can trust or a new account.

Start clearing through the house so you will take what you need.

Look at accommodation.

Get all paperwork, financials, payslip, pension etc. together.

Schedule an appointment with a solicitor.

Start filming him in this condition so you have record re the children.

Tell your GP about his drinking and driving and how serious it is.

You do not want this man near your kids in this condition.

Focus completely on getting you and your children away from this.

Reach out for support from friends.
Keep posting.

I was married to an alcoholic. It's a total nightmare. They only ever get worse.

The only way forward for you is to divorce him asap and rebuild a better life for you and your children. (I too had young children at the time.)

They only ever get worse.

They can/do recover - but not until they desperately want to and not while they are being propped up by well-meaning others.

You have admitted it’s not a healthy situation, and you need to leave, and the fact you have posted here shows you know it, you just need the validation to know you are doing the right thing.

Yes you absolutely are, it won’t be easy, and you know it’s not as simple as just leaving, but just take it one step at a time and plan ahead. There are organizations that help family members too, and can help with benefits, housing etc, and other support. Have a look in your local area, they can help you plan to leave.

Good luck, and if you want to message me you can, I have personal experience of some parts.

It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it. You are breaking the cycle for your kids so they won’t have to go through what you did, but do it in your way and at your pace. You’ve got this.

I hope he doesnt drive drunk with the kids

At least you can see him for what he is. A weight will be lifted. Living with an alcoholic is awful 💐

Well done op. I'm the daughter of an alcoholic , I also married an alcoholic. I've been out of there 15 years now. Best decision ever!

He still drinks until he drops , the last time my teen went to see him he tried to send them out for wine. They haven't been back since.

You've got a long road ahead in terms of recovery , your children will have seen things they shouldn't too , but you'll be happier once you're away.

Good luck.

Well done reaching and making a plan you are now in control.Stop going out with him where alcohol is available.Re the children you must speak up about the drink driving and his behaviour because if he has the children at a weekend and you are not there he will drink and drive.The children must not be allowed with him alone he has no control and will not see the danger.Take care and good luck.I have seen this first hand it is so awful,please protect your children.

Sorry you are going through this. I have an alcoholic mother and have myself struggled with alcohol addiction myself. If he won't seek help there's no choice but for you to leave. You know once you're gone it will go one of two ways, he will either hit rock bottom and seek help or use it as an excuse to drink more. Either way it's not your responsibility, that is to yourself and your children. Stay strong, you sound like you have some solid plans in place to start a life away from him. Just remember that addicts are the best liars in the world, so don't be swayed by him once he realises what's happening.

Agree with previous posters, start reporting him for drink driving, make a note of it.
Record him passed out when he has no recollection. AND SAVE IT.

I hope you do leave him but the above will help you when the access/custody arrangements begin. Imagine him having the kids unsupervised all weekend and you worried sick that he will passed out or drink driving with them in the back.

Good luck OP