He can't regulate his drinking - I'm done

[Aliceinwanderland98]

As the title says. I have never had a night out socially with him where there has been alcohol where he has made it to the end of the evening without passing out, disappearing into a taxi home without me not caring where I was, or falling asleep on the table or the floor (this happens both in pubs and at our own kitchen table if/when we have guests). We have been together for 8 years and each year he has said he won't be a mess but I find myself apologising to people on his behalf constantly, and it is just relentless.

I am so exhausted of minding a 35 year old man. I am so tired of apologising for him.

I don't know why I'm posting. I just feel really done this time.

@Aliceinwanderland98 it's horrible isn't it.

I was being mildly flippant earlier, it's really not quite that simple to leave IRL, but the main thing is that you're taking steps towards it.

Never let him drive the children

I can imagine how you hate going out to any social occasion with him is a nightmare. He starts drinking. Rather than know he had enough like every other person of his age he keeps drinking and makes a total fool of himself and you. You sick of babysitting him and other people I am sure have noticed his behaviour.

My worry is that he get into his car drunk, cause an accident and perhaps kill himself or someone else.
If he is doing this I would ring the police and report him.

I know you got a promotion in work and your working towards leaving him. I gather all your financial details and get legal advice on the best way to do this. I know what your planning is not an easy thing to do but you don't want to be bringing up your children in this situation.

One of my friends had 3 children with an alcoholic. His drinking was getting worse. He had money for drinking but not for his family. She had enough of having little money and fighting with him. She realised that her and the children deserve better. She ended things with him.
Today her children are in their 20's. 2 of them have degree's and good jobs and her 3rd child is studying for a good degree and working PT. I don't think they would have done as well if she had stayed with him.

@catfunk

He's an alcoholic and I'd get rid before it starts to affect the kids

This^. They are already in danger of having a genetic predisposition to addiction. If they are raised in an environment where this behavior is the norm they will be even more likely to carry alcoholism (or some other addiction) to a new generation.

My boyfriend is exactly the same. He is an absolute saint 99% of the time, but whenever he has a drink he stumbles hone 7 hours later then he said he would with no memory of getting hone etc. I hate it too, his parents are both alcoholics and whilst this is a once every few months thing, he can’t seem to realise binge drinking is an issue too

My DH was like this. Didn't drink at home but every few months would go out with his mates, try to keep up with their drinking and end up paralytic. He just couldn't handle his drink at all.

He hit rock bottom when DS was 4. He was found unconscious in the street. I absolutely flipped my lid. He knew there were no more chances, he would lose his family if it happened again.

It's been 10 years since that night and it's not happened since. He stopped going out with these mates on their benders. He now goes to the cinema or for a curry or to the footie. He drives (he's never driven after drinking). He'll have the occasional drink at home instead.

So my advice is that people can change but your DH has to realise that he has a problem. He has to be prepared to change his social life. You can't reach the point where your DC become aware of what he's like when he's been drinking and I say age 4 is the cut off for that.

Show him this thread.

You need to start reporting him for drink driving. When you seperate he will have access to your children, you need evidence that he's not safe to be around the children unsupervised.

My ex was like this , couldn't just have 3 pints had to be 10 plus . I remember once his mum babysitting we got in and he passed out and the laminate flooring and his mum saying ' how are we going to get him up the stairs ?' We're not obviously that's where he is staying the night he made that choice . Honestly op the sooner you leave the better for the dc, and you obviously

He's an alcoholic.

You're the daughter of an alcoholic, so have some experience of this.

Yet you are expecting him to 'regulate his drinking'...

Sounds awful to be on edge like that. And also not to be able to enjoy any social events. And it’ll affect your kids as they grow up. As I’m sure you’re aware from your own experiences.

Start planning to leave. Look at your children and try to imagine them as alcoholics or (as you are) in partnership with an addict; if you don’t leave that’s what you’re risking.

Good luck and use MN for practical and emotional support.

Awful situation to bring up children in.

I really feel for you, but as a recovering alcoholic myself (very similar to your husband - not a daily drinker, but no ability to control my drinking once I started) I can say hand on heart - until or unless he accepts he has a problem and seeks help, nothing will change. In fact, it is likely to get worse.

Protect yourself and your kids.

I am glad you’re working towards ending the relationship, I appreciate you need to get your ducks in a row, so I hope you’re getting support with that.

I would also echo what others have said that any time he’s been drinking and gets in the car, report him. Every time. No thinking or worrying about whether it will cause issues. Straight away. If you separate, can you trust him to be driving with the children if he’s not sober or still over the limit from a bender?

In the meantime it’s worth stopping any socialising with him. Send the signal that you won’t engage in his behaviour any more. That’s tough this time of year, but if you go out make your own arrangements for getting home and let friends know that you have had enough of him getting into such a state. They’re probably thinking when will your DH grow up as he’s mid 30s and has young children, it’s a time the boozy nights out turn into slightly drunk dinners for a lot of people.

My friend had to call the police on her exH - pretty much his behaviour was what you’ve described, it was annoying when they were in their 20s but when they had children he was unsafe around them in that state and scared them. He got really angry once and she had to lock her and the kids in the bathroom and called the police.

After they split any time he had the children he took them to his local pub, (not a child friendly family type pub, it was an old boozer). He would sit there drinking and not look after the children at all, apparently falling off his chair paralytic sometimes. The landlord realised it wasn’t good for the kids, he was reported to social services and he can only have supervised access now with his mum present in a centre or public place. The kids are now teens and they can’t be bothered to see him, they know what he is like and don’t want him in their lives. Your kids are going to remember what he’s like, remove them from the damage he can cause as soon as you can.

Does he recognise he has a problem? Does he want to cut down? You can’t change him, only he can do that. If he doesn’t want to, you need to put your kids first and chuck him out. No good can come of this.

If he’s not going to change then you need to consider whether you want to be with someone you have to monitor like this. Maybe also consider why you’ve been with him for 8 years and had children knowing what he’s like

If he does this at every social occasion where alcohol is present then why do you keep going to these type of occasions? You wouldn't take a heroin addict to an opium den and ask them not to partake and sit in the corner quietly as you know exactly what would happen. Same with going out to pubs for you. You need to remove the temptation. Addiction is an illness and he sounds very ill with it.

What is it with social situations that make him drink to the point of blackouts? It sounds as if he's using the alcohol to get through them as he can't do it sober for whatever reason.

If you’re going to wait 6 months then tell him now that if he doesn’t change and stop drinking you’re leaving him. Perhaps that will be the thing that makes him see sense. You need to hide the car keys when he’s drinking or you’ll be morally guilty if he kills someone knowing he will drink drive. Either that or tell him to make sure he’s got enough drink in before he starts. What if he kills someone’s child? Someone’s wife / husband. He needs to grow up, mid 30’s he shouldn’t be acting like that. If he can’t control his drink he needs to stop.

Video him and show it to him if he doesn't remember. He needs to realise and wake up to the mess he is making of himself. My partner used to get quite drunk,I made them have water and regulate themselves a bit better,all is fine now

As the child of an alcoholic, get rid. He’ll ruin all your lives. If you stay, at the very least, he’ll get caught drunk driving and you’ll be the designated driver for the next couple of years. It’s hard telling children they can’t go to their activities as mummy can’t split herself in two and daddy can’t drive anymore. I also have no truck with the illness side of alcoholism. Bollocks. It’s a choice, as is everything in this life. My DF chose to drink. Your partner is choosing this life over you, your children, your financial security, the safety of others when he drives drunk. Hardly a prince amongst men. By staying, you enable him.

Also a child of an alcoholic here. I would also advise you to move on as quickly as possible. Growing up it was very hard to live with. My DB in particular was badly affected, he's now estranged from my DF. It made our childhoods very difficult.

My DF did end up getting sober. After we'd grown up and left home and my DM had put in all those hard years keeping everything together.

As soon as he did he left. Married someone 20 years younger. Leaving my DM at 60, completely devastated. She still pines for him 13 years later.

I love my dad and I'm glad he's happy now but the destruction one person in a family can create is awful.

I would definitely report him next time he drink drives. How would you feel if he ran someone over/caused a crash? Warn him in advance, then it'll be his choice.

[quote Aliceinwanderland98]@toomuchlaundry yes he does. He has often had a few drinks and then got in the car to go ad get more wine from the local restaurant. It's dangerous and embarrassing but I have no control over it.[/quote]
Do you realise that he could very well kill someone one day? Imagine how you will feel if that happens knowing that you were aware he was drink driving but did not report it. The "Nothing to do with me, mate" attitude really doesn't cut it here.

I am with you OP - unfortunately I feel the only thing to do is protect yourself and get out. You can't change him, he will always be the embarrassment he is now, sorry but it'll probably get worse.

You are young, I'd walk away because coping with someone's alcoholism is awful (I have experience unfortunately). I honestly wish alcohol wasn't a "thing" and it was totally banned... just because it can cause so much pain and anguish. Good luck in whatever you decide, but please put yourself first in this.

Sorry about the extreme briefness of my earlier post @Aliceinwanderland98. I was on my phone and just about to fall asleep.

My late BIL was an alcoholic. He stopped drinking, but the effects of his drinking caused irreversible damage. He destroyed 80% of his liver which could no longer process the toxins in his body. As a result, it caused permanent brain damage and he developed dementia. His body didn’t work properly, he soiled himself all the time and he could barely talk or walk. He ended up in a care home as SIL couldn’t cope with him any longer. He died from his alcoholism. That is what it says on his death certificate.

She had years of misery living with him, his children hated him due to what he did to their mother. Unless your husband can acknowledge that he has a drink problem this is what you can look forward to.

She now lives a very small and lonely retired life as she had to abandon work and friendships to care for her husband. She rarely has anyone to go out and socialise with and relies heavily on her family because she has no friends. We don’t live near enough to see her very often.

What you need to do:

1. Ring fence any earnings and savings you have and open a separate account if you have a joint account
2. Report him to the police if he drives after drinking
3. Do not support him after he has fallen over drunk. If he ends up with his face in the dog bowl just leave him there. He won't realise how bad he was the next day if you clean up after him and put him to bed

Remember: you did not cause this, you can't control his drinking, and you can't cure him. He has to do this himself.

The best thing you can do for your future and that of your children is to kick him out or leave.

And don't have any more babies with him.

@Foolsrule you're absolutely right, it is utterly life ruining. He has mortified me on many occasions so now I just avoid socialising with him. We can't even have a couple of glasses of wine on the couch because he can't pace himself and will literally pass out mid conversation. So fucking boring.
I want a partner who can enjoy experiences with me and act their age, not someone I have to babysit and keep checking on to make sure they're keeping it together.

@OhDear2200 I am planning to leave, have secured a promotion and will be financially much better off soon.

He knows what he's like, but I am the fool who has stayed with him so he probably thinks I'm too much of a weak person to leave. Perhaps it wouldn't be as bad if he was a great partner and father when sober, but he's not really that either to be honest.