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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed DH is going on a stag weekend to Amsterdam?

926 replies

JinglyJangly · 10/12/2007 18:57

DH is going on a stag weekend after Christmas to Amsterdam and too be honest, I am not too happy about it. I have heard what really goes on and why men go there, i.e. sex shops, brothels, live sex shows etc.

The blokes he is going with are a bunch of knobs. I have heard the majority of them frequent these types of places (only from what DH has said).

DH went on a stag weekend to Edinburgh a few years back and the guy who's stag party it was, was well up for visiting a brothel and guess what? he is going on the stag weekend to Amsterdam .

AIBU to be annoyed about him going? I am feeling a bit down in the dumps today and keep thinking all sorts about what they will get up too.

Whatever happened to guys going for a few beers at the local? It seems the norm for stag weekends to be held abroad nowadays. WHY is that?

OP posts:
NotDoingTheHousework · 12/12/2007 13:55

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OrmIrian · 12/12/2007 13:59

"If you love someone you should want them to be happy"

Doesn't that work both ways? If he will enjoy the weekend why shouldn't he go?

rebelmum1 · 12/12/2007 14:02

Depends how it's broached imho, some men I know don't like to feel that they're being told what to do even if they don't want to go anyway... some chaps can be a bit touchy about that. Need to be calm and rational when having the discussion. I would probably say if it means a lot to you, friends you not seen etc go but this is how it makes me feel..

rebelmum1 · 12/12/2007 14:03

I think it would be worse if he stayed and was deeply resentful..

NotDoingTheHousework · 12/12/2007 14:04

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OrmIrian · 12/12/2007 14:05

I don't know. I trust DH implicitly so maybe I can't judge. I find it hard to imagine how I'd cope if I didn't trust him.

cestlavie · 12/12/2007 14:06

lisalisa:

"Have none of you ever been so drunk that you have regretted what you said/did the next morning?"

There is a world of difference between doing something stupid you regret the morning after such as passing out, throwing up, insulting someone etc. and being unfaithful. I'm sure I, and most people on here, have been appallingly drunk in various situations away from home and yet have not been unfaithful. I'm willing to further bet that this is despite many people (including myself) have been in situations (e.g. late at night in clubs away from home etc.) when appallingly drunk that would have allowed us to be unfaithful if we wanted.

"It's all about not putting yourself in stupid situations..."

I take your point but a "stupid situation" is only "stupid" if the person doing it knows it to be so, not just because someone else judges it to be so. For one guy, merely giving them a couple of drinks and sticking them within a mile of a woman would be enough to tempt them. For another, you could get him so drunk he couldn't speak, offer him a naked Scarlett Johansson and he'd still walk (or crawl) away. It's for that person to determine whether they can trust themselves and for the spouse to believe in their ability to make that decision not for the spouse to make it for them.

rebelmum1 · 12/12/2007 14:10

I would say that this problem will keep coming up as the real issue is trust. I trust my DP implicitly too. I would be more peed off that he gets spliced and spends too much money and comes home with a hangover.

Elizabetth · 12/12/2007 14:10

Poor Jingly is getting hammered here for having a very reasonable response to stag weekends in Amsterdam. It appears that the subtext of the marriage vows is "thou shalt agree for thy husband to do whatever he wants, and ignore your own feelings about his antics because you "trust" him". Obviously that means lots of fun and frolics for the lads in red light districts around the world, whilst the wife stays at home waiting for his phone call from the brothel telling her he's not doing anything.

"Elizabeth, I think Madamez is just not introducing any moral judgement just making a statement.
Whereas the discussion here tends to say monogamous=good - Not=bad."

I think you've misread. The discussion here tends to say - lying to your wife/partner and shagging around = bad.

"I think what she's saying is monogamy is not or everyone. If you are with a partner who clearly is not, it's pointless to try and make him stay. You are only inviting heartache."

How the hell would you know if your partner "clearly" wasn't monogamous when most of these types of guy lie through their teeth about it? Men like that want to stay, they also want their shags on the side too. That guy I mentioned earlier who went for shag weekends once a month to York was clearly not monogamous to everybody who knew what he was up to, but not to his wife who he kept completely in the dark. Funnily enough when I asked him how he'd feel if she did the same thing to him he couldn't compute, it was beyond his comprehension that she could be unfaithful to him - her job was to stay at home and be a good faithful wife to him.

Meeely2 · 12/12/2007 14:14

so lisa - if i bumped into said pharamcist in a club after a few shandys i would cheat?

Original poster
JinglyJangly · 12/12/2007 14:14

Elizabeth - Why didn't you tell that blokes wife about his shagging around? I would.

OP posts:
lisalisa · 12/12/2007 14:17

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Meeely2 · 12/12/2007 14:20

elizabth why does a dh going away on a stag weekend = wife staying at home wondering and being miserable? why does it not mean, dh goes away dw has fun too, then when he gets back she gets her own weekend off? why do we need our men to be home for us to be 'happy' - i am as happy when dh is away (be it for work or pleasure) as when he is home.

OrmIrian · 12/12/2007 14:24

Trust has to be the same for both parties - so I would also know that Dh would be OK for me to go to Amsterdam if I was so minded.

NotDoingTheHousework · 12/12/2007 14:27

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Meeely2 · 12/12/2007 14:29

notdoingthehousework - that must have been horrid - tbh if my dh did that i would give him a floor show just to show him how ridiculous he was being.

NotDoingTheHousework · 12/12/2007 14:29

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NotDoingTheHousework · 12/12/2007 14:30

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OrmIrian · 12/12/2007 14:32

I'm sure it is notdoing . I simply can't imagine how you cope with it. Whatever else is lacking that is a fundamental. Like trying to walk on cracked ice.

Elizabetth · 12/12/2007 14:33

I don't know jinglyjangly - I hardly knew him (he was new to the office) and I didn't know her at all. I might do it differently now. I think I was just really shocked that he announced it to an office of people he hardly knew.

Meely, where did I say anything about the wife staying at home and being miserable? Maybe you should read my post again.

Jingly, I'm sorry you're being so patronised by people on this thread. It's really obnoxious.

rebelmum1 · 12/12/2007 14:41

If my dp got spruced up and went clubbing on a regular basis I would be worried. But the rest of the time he is at home in his cardie and slippers doing the cross word and going to bed at 9 at the weekend. i think that these types that you talk about are indeed quite identifiable by your description. I know my dp's feelings about other women and prositution so think it is most unlikely.

Original poster
JinglyJangly · 12/12/2007 14:41

I know what you mean Elizabeth. There are some really obnoxious people posting on this thread.

I can't believe Oblov (or whatever her name was) reported me for calling her a bully and had my message deleted.

I have been called worse on this thread and haven't reported it.

OP posts:
Meeely2 · 12/12/2007 14:42

elizabeth "Obviously that means lots of fun and frolics for the lads in red light districts around the world, whilst the wife stays at home waiting for his phone call from the brothel telling her he's not doing anything" - why would we be waiting at home? I would be out shopping, visiting my girly friends, playing with my kids etc etc, all number of things except sat at home waiting for dh to call.

Meeely2 · 12/12/2007 14:44

no one is bveing obnoxious - we are simply answering the OP who asked if she was being unreasonable - some of us have said yes and given our reasons, if she didn't want honesty she shouldn't have asked us.

madamez · 12/12/2007 14:47

Elizabetth: going back to coercing people into monogamy - well people do this the way they coerce partners into other things. Sometimes with a charm offensive, sometimes with emotional blackmail, sometimes by witholding sex until the partner agrees, sometimes by suggesting that the partner's relcutance is due to some deep failing in the partner.
And yes, some people promise monogamy and then go back on their word, and that is unethical. But in general, someone who has enjoyed a varied sex life with lots of different partners is not someone who is likely to remain monogamous longterm, and this is very, very, very true of someone who gets persuaded or pressured by the peole around him/her that it's 'time to grow up', 'time to settle down'. 'real love' or any other monogamy propaganda. The person will remain monogamous for a short time and then become resentful - and either end the relationship (if he/she is self-aware and ethcial) or start decieving the monogamist partner (if he/she is selfish and spineless).

ANd FWIW, whatever the issue, you can get your own way by going 'boohooohooo, I'm so vulnerable, if you really loved me you'd do what I want you to do' some of the time, but not often and certainly not as a longterm strategy. Having strong feelings about something doesn't invariably make you right, not does it mea that your wishes matter more than your partner's wishes.