Husband not bothered about my milestone birthday

[Ann51114]

I feel a bit hurt and upset not sure why as should be used to it by now!

My milestone 40th is tomorrow and DH has made no effort as usual. Before anyone says wait and see as he might surprise you it’s not happening. The hurtful thing is a work friend whose birthday it is also in holidays is going away for the week. I’m a teacher so have half term off and I just feel upset that he could have booked somewhere for few days . Money is not an issue as he has a very high paying job.

He never does anything for me. When we got married it was my 30th soon after and he literally did nothing just gave me a card and vouchers.

I feel really upset as I never have anything to look forward to. Two years into marriage I went through years of IVF so stress of it meant I was never was really open to making friends when moving to this area and even now in work I’m stressed all the time so apart from work friends don’t really have anyone to celebrate my big day with.

I tried to talk to him but he got defensive and said it’s my fault he’s not doing anything as I never want to go anywhere! Not true.

Sorry last bit doesn’t read right I mean I only have work friends but I wouldn’t celebrate birthday with them as we not really that close so only have DH

Why does he think you never want to go anywhere? That seems completely at odd with the rest of your post so I’m wondering how he’s got to that conclusion?

*at odds

You don’t yet know he hasn’t got you anything / made any plans?

Why does he think you don't want to go anywhere?

Well, firstly happy birthday for tomorrow! 🍰🍸

He is being an arsehole and is defensive because you called him on it.

Take control, what do you want to do?

This doesn't sound great tbh

Has he had his 40th? How did he mark this? I ask because I avoided 'fuss' for my 40th & 50th - just not my style to have huge celebrations. Is your dh similar? - although even if he is he should realise that you feel differently

Has he said he hasn’t done anything? Got you anything?

It's annoying he hasn't planned anything.
Plan something yourself.
Take yourself off somewhere nice for a few days.

People will be along to say you are an adult, you shouldn't worry about birthdays or you should organise your own. But unless it happens to you it's impossible to understand how it can make you feel. The person that you are sharing your life with can't make the effort for one day in the year. Op I'm sorry and Happy Birthday for tomorrow.

My experience has made me rethink everything, I don't want to be feeling like this on my next birthday.

Do you not communicate? Surely a trip away during half term would be discussed? As an adult I would expect some input for something like that.

Communication is your answer though. Rather then sitting back waiting for him to fail a test he doesn't even know about why don't you start talking about these things?

You do have to wait until tomorrow. He may surprise you especially as you’ve hinted you’d like to go somewhere nice.

Maybe be proactive and say you would like a few days away in Paris, jersey or London! If he can get time off or go next weekend. He sounds like he is lazy re planning things . So many husbands seem to be like this. Is he a good husband the rest of the time .

I bloody well hope he has made some sort of effort but sadly I doubt it as he didn't bother with your 30th.
If he doesn't, I would seriously spend tomorrow booking a few days away without him.

Happy birthday for tomorrow!
Firstly, do you make a fuss for his birthdays? Does he? The reason I'm asking is if he doesn't care about his birthday then they rarely see the point in yours. That being said, he should care about making you happy.
Secondly, how on earth did this come about. I've been mentioning my 40th since my 31st... so he's under no illusion as to what I want. I also make a huge fuss about his and others birthdays and make it clear I expect the same.
Thirdly, what are you going to do about it? Are you going to leave him over it? Stew quietly? Or are you going to book a last minute break away, with or without him and just tell him that's what he's bought you, thanks!
Going forward, its your 40th. Change your life, get new friends, join a club, do something new every month. Also, comparison is the thief of joy. Stop looking at others lives. Maybe think what way your husband shows love to you.

What would happen if you said, I’d love to go away for my birthday and go online and book something together?

He’s not planning anything as he just phoned me and said he’s sorry and what do I want to do. It’s not that I’m desperate to want to do something it’s the fact that no thought ever goes into anything.

His 40th was over lockdown but I planned it 6 months in advance and bought lots of decorations, had a lovely cake ordered, bought meaningful presents. I had a garden party for him at home with his parents and siblings (it was alloweed during that time). Then when lockdown ended I took him out for a meal.

@Brightmagic2021

What would happen if you said, I’d love to go away for my birthday and go online and book something together?

This is how I would go about it. You're not unreasonable for being hurt he doesn't put any effort in but the delivery of a message/point can change the reaction a lot. I would also make a big effort to make some friends locally or at work so you have people outside of your husband to spend time with.

Just book some where yourself - take him with you or don't. Don't spend your birthday feeling miserable or like you're testing him. Life is too short.

Yes it's bad behaviour but your priority now is feeling nice on your 40th birthday. What would make you feel nice? Organise it (or tell DH to and make sure he does).

I organised my 40th party, my DH is organising his 50th trip away (although, he is going skiing with some mates and I'm not going with him)
It's that love language thing, you need to communicate. Book somewhere together this time and talk and try to understand each other. Unless he's an arse elsewhere in life, it's mis-communication

@Ann51114

He’s not planning anything as he just phoned me and said he’s sorry and what do I want to do. It’s not that I’m desperate to want to do something it’s the fact that no thought ever goes into anything.

His 40th was over lockdown but I planned it 6 months in advance and bought lots of decorations, had a lovely cake ordered, bought meaningful presents. I had a garden party for him at home with his parents and siblings (it was alloweed during that time). Then when lockdown ended I took him out for a meal.

Tell him you want to go somewhere for a few days! Hopefully it’s not too l lol ate for him to salvage the situation.

I feel for you as my Dh used to be like this.. slowly kicked him off it over the last 15 years but it honestly did bother me and hurt my feelings at the start because it feels like they can’t be bothered at all. In my bad days I would even be comparing to previous partners and thinking I’d made a mistake

Ps I hope you have be a nice 40th. Happy birthday!

I guess this is your life now, you'll have shit birthdays every year for the rest of your life. He doesn't sound like a particularly caring or thoughtful kind of person.

I'd get rid of him to be honest, get a different one. No I'm not being flippant and I don't care if people consider that a trivial reason to divorce someone. Find a man who actually appreciates you and wants to make a fuss of you on special occasions. Let your husband find someone more suitable for him, preferably one of the miserable buggers you see in mumsnet who are horrified at the thought of celebrating any birthday after the age of 18.

My DP has never really organised anything for my big birthdays either. He isn’t mean or horrid, just not really into birthdays. We generally talk about what we’re planning first, eg for my 30th, we did lots that month (or two!)-went out for lunch with the kids, had a big family get together with my siblings etc, went on holiday with friends, went camping with other friends. He didn’t organise any of that-I did. I can’t say I care-I still got to do all of the things I wanted.

If you book now lunch out tomorrow and then dinner and a film in the evening, would he be up for it? Does he organise anything else you do? Mine doesn’t really, so I don’t see why he would suddenly start for my birthday.

The best thing to do is organise your own . You know your husband so don’t pin your hopes on him surprising you, it will only make you even more disappointed, when the inevitable doesn’t happen. I book my own treats to celebrate Anniversaries and birthdays, and we’ve done done nice things that I wanted to do. He comes along happily but would never think to sort it out, same thing with normal holidays. If you want a surprise, give him three options and tell him to sort one of them out, If he can’t do that you’ll have to decide whether your happy with that.

If you’ve got children, give them some money and take them shopping and tell them to choose something nice for you. Let them wrap the present up in secret so it’s a surprise for you.
I know your DH should do it, but the kids will enjoy getting you something and you are teaching them that you matter and setting an example for when they are old enough in the future.