Husband not bothered about my milestone birthday

[Ann51114]

I feel a bit hurt and upset not sure why as should be used to it by now!

My milestone 40th is tomorrow and DH has made no effort as usual. Before anyone says wait and see as he might surprise you it’s not happening. The hurtful thing is a work friend whose birthday it is also in holidays is going away for the week. I’m a teacher so have half term off and I just feel upset that he could have booked somewhere for few days . Money is not an issue as he has a very high paying job.

He never does anything for me. When we got married it was my 30th soon after and he literally did nothing just gave me a card and vouchers.

I feel really upset as I never have anything to look forward to. Two years into marriage I went through years of IVF so stress of it meant I was never was really open to making friends when moving to this area and even now in work I’m stressed all the time so apart from work friends don’t really have anyone to celebrate my big day with.

I tried to talk to him but he got defensive and said it’s my fault he’s not doing anything as I never want to go anywhere! Not true.

I would hate that OP. Your DH sounds mean of spirit and not very nice. If you know he NEVER does anything for your birthday, why would you leave it so close to the date without arranging something? I know you want your husband to do it but he refuses/can't be bothered. Tell him what you want to do, or where you want to go. Better still - book it yourself. At least you get to do something.

You say you don't have many friends locally, what about going to see family next week. You sound quite low - maybe it's a good time to connect with people.

Good luck OP and Happy Birthday for tomorrow.

I organised my own. Not cos my partner is useless because I know what I wanted and it was my birthday. He has offered to sort it so do it! What do you want? Nice hotel away? Posh meal out? Tell him. This can be sorted.

OP, what do you actually get out of this relationship? What needs of yours is this man meeting? Do you feel loved, valued, wanted?
Because to me, reading your posts as an outsider, your “D”H sounds monumentally selfish and doesn’t give a shit about you or your feelings. Turning 40 IS a big milestone, and a time when most women want the reassurance that their mate still finds them attractive and loves them.
Yours just can’t be bothered. That speaks volumes - of indifference and contempt, of having checked out of the marriage.
I think you have a much bigger problem than just the lack of birthday celebration. I’d be telling DH you either want a fab birthday or a divorce.

I do not understand why people are so passive about this. If I want to do something for my birthday I book it, I will also discuss it with DH. I was 50 last year and I was the main (only) organiser of a three week trip, which didn’t go ahead in the end obviously, but I planned it so I got to do what I wanted. I had been discussing it with DH for over a year, there was no way we would have got to the day and then have nothing planned (obviously last year we discussed a back up plan).

I honestly do not get the mindset of not organising anything and then moping around because nothing is organised. And I am not indifferent to birthdays, I always expect to celebrate mine.

@Gettingthereslowly2020 talks sense

Happy birthday.

Plan something yourself. Book something for both of you tomorrow. A nice dinner and day out.
How do you know that others do not book their own parties? Looks like you will have to. Go for it and enjoy it.

Its really shit of him to not organise anything. I would try and book a few days away. Can you get online and find a hotel somewhere nice? And try and salvage your birthday. And speak to him about how you hoped he would make some effort. Is he usually like this?

I hate to say it but I actually thought this was a repeat of an exact post I read some months ago (it’s not) because it’s so similar. Maybe we should have a “it’s a milestone birthday and DH has let me down and yes I do a lot for his birthdays, now what” guide.

Here’s my quick and dirty guide.

1. Has he apologised or is he being defensive? (In your case, apologised).
2. If apologised, don’t be a martyr. Start salvaging the birthday now. What do you wish he’d planned? Can you still do any of it? Go away? Have the present you wanted? Book the meal? Get babysitters, etc? (NO, it’s not fair, but going without anything will only make you feel worse.)
3. If he HASN’t apologised and is only being defensive, DO IT WITHOUT HIM. Maybe you can afford a few days away with a friend instead of DH or maybe you can just go out for the day and leave him with the kids, but it’s YOUR CHOICE. Just do SOMETHING that celebrates you.
4. Communicate with him in advance of your next birthday NEXT YEAR (not a milestone), that you have decent human expectations (a cake, card from the children, meal in a pub, whatever). And if you can do the wife work all year, which I’m sure you do, he can handle one birthday a year. Unfortunately, yes, you will probably have to remind him about a week before your birthday.

The end. I know people will come along and say, “You shouldn’t have to go to any extra work! He should just do it! Everyone knows milestone birthdays matter!” But the fact is, your husband has already let you down, so you can stew in knowing you didn’t do anything, and showed him for being an ungrateful bastard, OR you can hopefully have a more happy birthday. I am sorry it didn’t just happen naturally though; I can understand that makes you feel unappreciated and it hurts

Happy birthday OP

Well he’s finally asked what you want to do. It’s a bit late but tell him and do it!

If he's so passive you're fighting a difficult battle...

I'd go online and find a fabulous last minute somewhere!

And happy 40th!

Some people aren't that bothered about birthdays, but that's no excuse if he knows you'd like something.

Would you like him to do what you did for him, a garden party and then a meal out? Or would you like him to take you on a holiday?

You know he's not an organiser.

I would have organised my own celebration rather than wait for someone who I know can't or won't do it.

Fire up what's app and organise a night out or something.

@Dinosaurwoman seriously, you’re posting about what to do with children to a woman who hasn’t mentioned having any, and in fact with the comment about years of IVF and the stress from that certainly sounds like she doesn’t have them?

OP

Happy birthday.

My OH is lovely in every other way, but is crap with choosing presents. He hates shopping and would be lost on the High Street or even online. We discuss gift ideas together and I'll give him a steer (more like a shove into what I want) and he will sort it.

I think because you know what he is like, you need to plan around that eg organise your own birthday or tell him what you want.

Tell him what you want and get him to sort it out.

I'd tell the only thing you wanted was for him to make an effort and but thought into making your milestone birthday special as you did for him.

So sorry op, DH used to be crap but after some arguments he finally got it and now makes an effort meanwhile I've kind of given up on his 🤦🏼‍♀️ he doesn't care though tbh.

I never really understood posts like this. You were disappointed with his response 10 years ago. Have you sat upset for 10 years? You obviously have different expectations of birthdays. Just tell him that you need to make a fuss and that means something like a party, dinner, weekend away or whatever it is you want.

I feel you, OP. Mine is in a few months and I’m already resigned to it being completely normal and unmarked. When my OH turned 30 I organised some really great things for him even though we were only a year into dating and he’s always said it was the best birthday he ever had. I made it clear I wanted something thoughtful planned for my next big one, which is my 40th. My ideal would have been a holiday and he knew that, but with the uncertainty of covid that’s been taking off the table. I did accept that. But I did expect him to still make an effort, and plan ahead and make something happen. Even if it was something like a holiday but later in the year, and entirely planned by him, that would have been fine. Instead it’s going to be a takeaway and a standard gift I already told him to get because he said he couldn’t think of anything.

For me, it’s not so much the thing as it is that I want him to make the effort. I want him to want to do this, to actually think about me in advance for once, and then make those ideas happen. So much of our daily lives is organised or planned by me. And I’m always the one making sure everyone else has surprises or know that they are loved.

And yes, I’ve mentioned it a million times but the excuse is always ‘you’re so good at doing it and I will be rubbish in comparison’ so he (and everyone else) just doesn’t bother to try.

I would expect a thoughtful gift from my dh but tbh I wouldn't be so passive as to say nothing about what I wanted to do for my birthday. I would've brought this up months ago and had things organised with dh, my family and then separate things with friends. I'm a planner though. For dh 40th his sister and I organised a surprise party, but if left to him we wouldn't have done anything. I'm already planning my 40th and it's almost 2 years away.

@Ann51114

He’s not planning anything as he just phoned me and said he’s sorry and what do I want to do. It’s not that I’m desperate to want to do something it’s the fact that no thought ever goes into anything.

His 40th was over lockdown but I planned it 6 months in advance and bought lots of decorations, had a lovely cake ordered, bought meaningful presents. I had a garden party for him at home with his parents and siblings (it was alloweed during that time). Then when lockdown ended I took him out for a meal.

And how much did he appreciate all your effort and thought?

But surely a couple of months ago you had a conversation which went along the lines of:

It's my birthday over half-term, rules permitting, I would love to go away.

OK, where do you want to go?

Maybe x, y,z.

OK, do you want to book?/not sure I can take leave etc

Happy birthday for tomorrow!!!

I sympathise with you. My DH isn't great with things like this. On birthdays I usually get a card and some gifts bought from the supermarket the night before as he has usually forgotten. One Mother's Day it wasn't even acknowledged in our house (I have 3 young kids and they had made cards at school and nursery. I had taken them out of their bags a couple of days before and put them on the side so he could see them. Nothing was said or done on that day at all - I kept thinking he would do it later. I don't want lots of presents - just a 'happy mother's day' and their cards would have been great. I went to bed crying that night. I told him the next day how upset I was and he said the kids should have given me the cards! They are too young to remember things like that! For DH's milestone birthday I organised him a big surprise party.

Why don't you spend today finding yourself a nice spa break? Then get up early in the morning and go - leave a note saying you have decided to go and celebrate your birthday by yourself as he didn't seem bothered and you will be back in a couple of days. Turn your phone off while you are there.

@Ann51114

He’s not planning anything as he just phoned me and said he’s sorry and what do I want to do. It’s not that I’m desperate to want to do something it’s the fact that no thought ever goes into anything.

His 40th was over lockdown but I planned it 6 months in advance and bought lots of decorations, had a lovely cake ordered, bought meaningful presents. I had a garden party for him at home with his parents and siblings (it was alloweed during that time). Then when lockdown ended I took him out for a meal.

Some people are just like this. It's not that they don't care, it doesn't occur to them, and aren't people pleasers by nature.

This is exacerbated by the contrast of being with someone who is very thoughtful and a people pleaser.

I'm the latter. And I've had blazing rows with exs because they clearly don't care. When actually, they are, in a way they think is normal, I'm just comparing them to what I would do. I grew up with an incredibly thoughtful mother too, so my whole childhood formed the idea that being this much effort on someone else is normal.

Women are generally more like this than men. DH did sod all for my first birthday together. He got a card. I was astonished. It wasn't until it came to his birthday and I did what I see as the "norm" that he was like "fuck me, it's only my birthday, I don't really do birthdays, what's all this?!" Now I have what I see as a very low expectation on my birthday, but actually it's probably a more realistic representation of what most people do. I know it sort of ruins it, OP, that you have had to put the thought in for yourself, but if you're with someone who isn't naturally like this, you either have to accept that you'll have very low-key birthdays, or you're going to have to ask for exactly what you want.

Book yourself a couple of nights away, leave him at home.

My ex used to whine "I didn't have time" when he didn't bother doing anything for my birthday, certainly I never got a card from him, sometimes a token gift.

But he was also an abusive, selfish wazzock who expected me to make his day special.

The reality was that he really didn't give a stuff about my feelings, he only cared about getting his feelings/needs met.

And people mentioned love languages. They are only real when the people are fundamentally decent. Abusive and otherwise selfish people don't do love languages, they just expect everything to go their way.

OP, as he's apologised, do what you can to salvage the day. Book a meal for tomorrow, a few days away if you can, tell him what present you want. Don't let it stew or you'll only feel worse.