Husband not bothered about my milestone birthday

[Ann51114]

I feel a bit hurt and upset not sure why as should be used to it by now!

My milestone 40th is tomorrow and DH has made no effort as usual. Before anyone says wait and see as he might surprise you it’s not happening. The hurtful thing is a work friend whose birthday it is also in holidays is going away for the week. I’m a teacher so have half term off and I just feel upset that he could have booked somewhere for few days . Money is not an issue as he has a very high paying job.

He never does anything for me. When we got married it was my 30th soon after and he literally did nothing just gave me a card and vouchers.

I feel really upset as I never have anything to look forward to. Two years into marriage I went through years of IVF so stress of it meant I was never was really open to making friends when moving to this area and even now in work I’m stressed all the time so apart from work friends don’t really have anyone to celebrate my big day with.

I tried to talk to him but he got defensive and said it’s my fault he’s not doing anything as I never want to go anywhere! Not true.

I get it. You don’t want to be taken on holiday but you want him to have given it thought. If he’d asked you you could have discussed some plans. As he didn’t ask you hoped he’d do something nice. If you are the sort of person who makes a big effort for others you often hope for the same effort being taken over your special occasions. Personally I’ve lowered my expectations and I do my own planning but it does lead to my feeling a bit peeved now and then. I’ve also reduced what I do for the ungrateful. It’s pretty sad all round but better than feeling massively resentful (oh and I divorced the most ungrateful one!)

I dont get that men seem to be able not to realise that birthdays are important to their female partners

Not every female sees birthdays as important and not every male deems them unimportant.

I really don't care about my birthday, I don't actively go out of my way not to celebrate but, for me, my birthday just isn't really a big deal.

It was my 30th a few years ago and I made zero plans because I just didn't want a fuss and I really wasn't bothered. My mother was horrified at and thought of not celebrating, especially a milestone birthday, and insisted on organising a massive BBQ at her house with food, drinks, decorations, fancy cake and invited all of our family, family friends etc. Was it a lovely gesture? Of course, but I didn't ask for it and would have been quite happy without it and to have spent the day at home, doing something with DD and having a takeaway - if people had dropped by with presents or cards then that would have been lovely but again not necessary.

Writing it all out makes me sound like a miserable, introverted hermit which I am not, I just can't get worked up about birthdays. If I knew a partner or friend did get worked up about birthdays then I would expect them to communicate their needs/wants up front.

The OP knows her DH doesn't make an effort with birthdays, she's had 10 years of notice since her last "milestone" birthday, so I don't understand why there is so much surprise that someone who has never bothered about a birthday before is not suddenly turning into the party planner of the century for their 40th. If you want to do something then you should be communicating what you want with plenty of notice.

i thought it was pfetty normal to discuss what one might want to do for one's birthday with your partner - if you fancy a night out or day trip or a weekend away. I can't ever imagine sitting there passivly and hoping he'd booked a big surprise (i mean i don't like surprises and i generally want to do what i want to do!)

plenty of time to plan a day out for tomorrow. highly unliley to be able to just go away when people need to book time off work with notice and also all the covid testing.

I had this for my 40th. For my husband's 40th I arranged a party and took him to Venice. Mine, nothing. Separated now. I was 50 this year, as a result of my 40th I was determined to sort out my own celebrations. I was planning to do things but it was during lockdown . There's always my 60th!

@dottiedodah

iced coffees .I dont get that men seem to be able not to realise that birthdays are important to their female partners .Unless they have no Mothers/Aunts /Sisters /Cousins. Or have never watched a movie with a female having a BD then that seems strange to me . Shops are full of Birthday Cards and paper too.

Because it's nothing to do with whether someone is male or female.

OP organised a garden party for his 40th - that would be my idea of hell, lol. I'm happy enough with a voucher for my favourite shop and a takeaway. This year I'm getting vouchers for a beach ride (I've just taken up horse riding) and a meal out.

My point is, if OP wants a nice weekend away she needs to speak up and make it happen, not just expect her husband to read her mind and plan it all behind her back.

You say he’s a high earner and your on HT start treating yourself next week, spa days, lunches out! Live the life for a few day’s. Happy birthday