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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband not bothered about my milestone birthday

81 replies

Ann51114 · 23/10/2021 09:15

I feel a bit hurt and upset not sure why as should be used to it by now!

My milestone 40th is tomorrow and DH has made no effort as usual. Before anyone says wait and see as he might surprise you it’s not happening. The hurtful thing is a work friend whose birthday it is also in holidays is going away for the week. I’m a teacher so have half term off and I just feel upset that he could have booked somewhere for few days . Money is not an issue as he has a very high paying job.

He never does anything for me. When we got married it was my 30th soon after and he literally did nothing just gave me a card and vouchers.

I feel really upset as I never have anything to look forward to. Two years into marriage I went through years of IVF so stress of it meant I was never was really open to making friends when moving to this area and even now in work I’m stressed all the time so apart from work friends don’t really have anyone to celebrate my big day with.

I tried to talk to him but he got defensive and said it’s my fault he’s not doing anything as I never want to go anywhere! Not true.

OP posts:

Yogity · 23/10/2021 10:26

I sympathise and relate, OP. My DH is an overly practical person who himself doesn't like surprises and it makes for rubbish birthday plans for me. (Eg. For my 30th birthday he "surprised" me by paying off the remainder of my very manageable car loan . I'd have felt spoilt rotten with flowers delivered!)

I have had to resort to both being very explicit about my expectations and usually making the arrangements myself. I'd love it if he did it himself but its not in his wheelhouse and I've come to accept that this way I get what I want and he is not so baffled by the process.

I would crack on with plans, personally. If its too late in the day to book a hotel then book it for next weekend and make dinner reservations/cinema/theatre/cocktail making/horse riding/other plans for your birthday itself and indulge in the notion that despite DH being a bit clueless you value your birthday and yourself enough to proactively ensure you have a great day. Happy birthday!

TurquoiseDragon · 23/10/2021 10:28

Women are generally more like this than men.

That's because birthdays and other celebrations are classed as "wifework", and society still expects us to do all the thinking and organising for it.

Any man capable of holding down a job is capable of organising at least a card and gift for a birthday. Most of us have smart phones these days, can set reminders. An Amazon wish list can be accessed to get gifts/gift ideas. Or, use a calendar/diary, etc.

It's not rocket science, but men aren't expected by society to take on the mental load for ghis sort of thing. So they don't.

Olivegreenstrawberries · 23/10/2021 10:30

@Ann51114

He’s not planning anything as he just phoned me and said he’s sorry and what do I want to do. It’s not that I’m desperate to want to do something it’s the fact that no thought ever goes into anything.

His 40th was over lockdown but I planned it 6 months in advance and bought lots of decorations, had a lovely cake ordered, bought meaningful presents. I had a garden party for him at home with his parents and siblings (it was alloweed during that time). Then when lockdown ended I took him out for a meal.

Isn't that what you would like though? Did he like that sort of thing?

Have you ever told him that you want him to plan and organise things because that's what you value?

Doomscrolling · 23/10/2021 10:34

Happy 40th!

It’s not too late to do something. Book a meal, maybe a film, or choose a day trip you fancy. Take ownership of your birthday and do what you fancy

billy1966 · 23/10/2021 10:39

Are you happy in your marriage?

TwinsandTrifle · 23/10/2021 10:39

My DH isn't useless at it because it's wife work. He's useless at it because once he hit 18, he never really did "birthdays" and so it's not in his thoughts to do anything. If I asked him to simply "do something" he'd get in a flap, would suggest a meal out, would have no idea what to get as a present (as he hates wasting money on something I wouldn't really want) this year he knew I needed a new purse, but literally said "show me the purse you want".

He's very capable of buying whatever I'd like. He has no objection to the effort of what I'd like the plan to be. He's just got no idea where to start. If I wanted a weekend away for my 40th, he'd book the lot and do all the admin....once I'd told him I'd like to go away, to where, the name of the hotel...

littlefireseverywhere · 23/10/2021 10:44

If I were you and money wasn’t an option I’d book myself a nice city break for a few days. Relax & enjoy yourself

Bluntness100 · 23/10/2021 10:55

Planing his birthday six months in advance is not really normal unless you’re going away on vacation or having a large venued party and that wasn’t the case.

Don’t play the martyr, he’s asked what you want to do, so say what you want to do, then go do it and have fun.

bluebeck · 23/10/2021 11:02

Tell him to book a surprise trip away for next week. You will be packed and ready to go.

If he can't be arsed just book something and go away on your own.

TravelLost · 23/10/2021 11:04

Go away in your own @Ann51114.

Just tell him you were expecting him to actually do more than a card. That tu are really disappointed in him. But you are not going to let him make what should be a nice celebration a pity party.
So go away. If you have a work friend who would be up for a few days away, contact them. A sibling/mum/dad? If you prefer to be with someone.
And then make a point to yourself to do the things you enjoy and have fun.

TravelLost · 23/10/2021 11:06

@Olivegreenstrawberries, I suspect a lot of those men actually enjoy it when people organise something like this with some friends and family.
What they don’t want to do is the effort that goes into and to do it for someone else.
Very often they dint even organise meet ups with their own family/parents etc… so a proper party? They just dont know how to do it didn’t you know??

Mary46 · 23/10/2021 11:08

Happy Birthday op. I wonder is he like my friend just sits back and thinks it will plan itself! Anyway I hope you do something nice a meal theatre etc. I would be hurt too

Dinosaurwoman · 23/10/2021 11:12

Very sorry I saw your problems with IVF. But I assumed it had worked out for you from your post. But the rest stands , organise something lovely for your self, take your husband with you and. Try and have a good time. If he’s still a misery and spoils it for you , well you’ve learnt something

Groovee · 23/10/2021 11:25

I learned a long time ago that my husband doesn't have a scooby about how to make my birthday special. I have to do it myself. My Dd and ds have learned from me and have learned how to make things special.

He's great in many other ways. But this is something I have learned to compromise on.

mcmooberry · 23/10/2021 11:27

Honestly so that tomorrow doesn't feel unbelievably flat I would advise you throw (his) money at the problem and look around for somewhere last minute but fabulous and go away (both of you) and make the best of it. My DH would do nothing either - but would be mortified if I was upset by it.

41sunnydays · 23/10/2021 11:44

I'm sorry you are 40, it's really not just your partners responsibility. I booked a meal for my birthday with my husband snd family at my favourite restaurant. Then I chose and booked a weekend away. Yes my husband bought me gifts and a cake but by 40 I can organise my own celebration then I don't have to sit feeling miserable on my own

wizzywig · 23/10/2021 11:48

Do something expensive for you on his credit card

Feedingthebirds1 · 23/10/2021 11:51

OP get yourself online, book lots of lovely things, and take him at his word.

That way he'll actually get to see what a good birthday looks like for you. But make some of it things that he has to do for you. Find a show you want to go to and get him to book the tickets. Say you want to go to a 3 Michelin starred restaurant and ask him to choose one as a surprise.

pelosi · 23/10/2021 11:54

Why do you persist in making effort for a man who doesn’t give a shit?

Why make a fuss on his 40th when he dd nothing for your milestone birthday?

icedcoffees · 23/10/2021 11:57

Is that what he wanted, though?

I don't mean that critically, but it sounds like you maybe have different love languages. You clearly speak in gestures (gifts, reservations, parties) but maybe he's not actually bothered by those things, so he doesn't think to do them for you either.

He's now rang and asked what you want, so you need to tell him! I always mention my birthday about 4-6 weeks in advance, ask what we're doing and give plenty of hints

Have you ever actually told him in advance that you'd like him to arrange a weekend away somewhere for a birthday? I don't think it would ever cross DH's mind to book a surprise weekend - it would be something we'd plan together.

DeeCeeCherry · 23/10/2021 11:57

Plan a nice day out for yourself. Shopping, Spa, cinema, whatever you choose.

He's horrible for not bothering to make your birthdays soecial but, he's been like this for years from what you've said. So you could've made your thoughts on this abundantly clear years ago

You do write as if he's the centre of your world, solely responsible for your happiness, and you've not made time for anyone or anything else socially, off your own bat. & this is the result.

Just book yourself something nice, and chill

Hont1986 · 23/10/2021 12:09

So he got a birthday tea and a meal out, and you want to be taken on holiday?

DDivaStar · 23/10/2021 12:14

@Dishwashersaurous

But surely a couple of months ago you had a conversation which went along the lines of:

It's my birthday over half-term, rules permitting, I would love to go away.

OK, where do you want to go?

Maybe x, y,z.

OK, do you want to book?/not sure I can take leave etc

This, why did this not happen.

My H is rubbish at organising stuff so I do it, he pulls his weight in other ways. For my 40th I planned my family/friends meal and a day out on my actual birthday had a great time and it didn't matter I had planned it.

Insert321Data123 · 23/10/2021 12:24

I don't understand your reluctance to organise or communicate ?

I suggest that I would really like to do x,y,z & I make it happen

I start taking about my big birthday 6 months earlier, with various people, so that different things get organised.
I make plans

Why don't you make plans ?

dottiedodah · 23/10/2021 12:57

iced coffees .I dont get that men seem to be able not to realise that birthdays are important to their female partners .Unless they have no Mothers/Aunts /Sisters /Cousins. Or have never watched a movie with a female having a BD then that seems strange to me . Shops are full of Birthday Cards and paper too.

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