Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it okay to wear black jeans to a ‘wake’?

120 replies

Peridotty · 22/10/2021 20:38

My DH is going to a family member’s viewing. He has a black shirt but no black suit trousers or black shoes. The family member passed away suddenly and the cremation is happening tomorrow. He is flying to there in 4 hours time so no time to buy anything new. He has black jeans and blue trainers. Would that be okay or not? There is no funeral but it’s a 30 minute viewing before the cremation.

OP posts:
helpfulperson · 23/10/2021 15:52

It sounds fine provided they are newish still black jeans, not frayed going white at the knees. As for shoes judging by some of the pictures on school uniform threads the difference between single coloured trainers and shoes is minimal.

Come to think of it I wore black denim trousers although not in a traditional jeans style to my own fathers funeral.

marcopront · 23/10/2021 15:54

@Doubledoorsontogarden

Are there shops at the airport?

Your DH’s clothing isn’t the norm for a funeral or a wake. I would see this as disrespectful tbh

Seeing as he left for the airport 16 hours ago this advice is probably not needed.
HyacinthsHydrangeas · 23/10/2021 16:31

@Peridotty , good morning! I'm curious to know how things went for your DH today. Did he feel out of place in terms of his wardrobe? Did he notice what others were wearing to this event?

Hope also that he had a safe and peaceful trip to his destination.

Beeziekn33ze · 23/10/2021 16:44

Respect is shown by attitude and actions, not by buying new clothes. I am sure his family appreciated his presence, that is what counts.

One morning a flustered man rushed into our charity shop as it opened. He had forgotten his suit for a funeral in an hour’s time. No suits but we kitted him out in a dark blue blazer and black tie and he visibly relaxed.

episcomama · 23/10/2021 16:45

Does he have any shoes that are not trainers? I really think that trainers are too informal for a wake.

KittyMcKitty · 23/10/2021 16:55

I don’t think it matters in the slightest what anyone where’s to a funeral- it is the person who is important not their clothes - what is important is that, at short notice, he is flying to be with family and friends to remember the person who has died and support those still alive. Empathy, kindness and compassion are what’s important and I fail to see how this enchanced by buying a cheap pair of black shoes which will never be worn again. His family will be pleased to have him there.

When I attended my mothers funeral I was touched that people came - I can remember who came but have no memory now (or interest then) in what people wore.

KittyMcKitty · 23/10/2021 16:55

Wears obv not where’s!

KittyMcKitty · 23/10/2021 16:56

@episcomama

Does he have any shoes that are not trainers? I really think that trainers are too informal for a wake.
Why? The important thing is that he’s there to remember the person who has died and support those still alive. How does a pair of shoes enhance this?
KittyMcKitty · 23/10/2021 16:58

@Doubledoorsontogarden

Are there shops at the airport?

Your DH’s clothing isn’t the norm for a funeral or a wake. I would see this as disrespectful tbh

Why is it disrespectful? It may not be the norm but why exactly is it disrespectful?
RampantIvy · 23/10/2021 19:40

DH ended up wearing black jeans at his BIL's funeral because he forgot his suit, and no, he didn't have time to find some trousers.

It was more important that he was there to support his sister than wearing the right trousers.

Member984815 · 23/10/2021 19:48

All anyone will care about is if he is there not what he is wearing . I've been to lots of funerals and don't care what anyone is wearing the fact they turned up is what's important

SenecaFallsRedux · 23/10/2021 19:51

I agree that the important thing is that he is going. But the OP asked about what was appropriate to wear. So she got some suggestions. Such is MN.

logsonlogsoff · 23/10/2021 19:52

Depends on the family, I would try to avoid the blue trainers. Black jeans you could get away with.

Janaih · 23/10/2021 20:29

Smart casual is absolutely fine for a funeral. I've seen at least one in a tracksuit at most wakes I've been to - it's obvious that person doesn't own a suit and doesn't have the means to purchase one just for the occasion. Only a wanker would judge.

willstarttomorrow · 23/10/2021 20:47

Too late for OP but when DH died - partly due to the nature of his job working and volunteering with vulnerable people, loads of people just turned up in which ever clothes they had or felt comfortable in. What really mattered is that so many people made the effort and for several it would not have been easy. The funeral before had only a handful of people attend which I found incredibly sad. Respect is nothing to do with clothes, it is saying your goodbyes on a personal level, making your own peace and showing loved ones of the deceased that they were valued and meant something. I remember all of the several hundred who attended but have no idea what they wore.

Original poster
Peridotty · 23/10/2021 20:47

Thanks to the posters who say that being there is what matters. From what I’ve heard I think they are grateful that he was able to go to say a final goodbye and give support. He is on the plane back now. I’ll ask him if it was fine. I am sure it was.

OP posts:
LimitIsUp · 25/10/2021 23:29

In my family that wouldn't be a problem

MasterBeth · 26/10/2021 19:48

Why is it disrespectful? It may not be the norm but why exactly is it disrespectful?

Precisely because it’s not the norm, so it is at odds with accepted Western customs of dress and behaviour.

MasterBeth · 26/10/2021 19:51

@Janaih

Smart casual is absolutely fine for a funeral. I've seen at least one in a tracksuit at most wakes I've been to - it's obvious that person doesn't own a suit and doesn't have the means to purchase one just for the occasion. Only a wanker would judge.
I wouldn’t judge anyone who didn’t have the means to buy appropriate clothing for a funeral.

I do judge the OP’s partner, the software engineer, who couldn’t be arsed to buy appropriate clothing for a funeral.

zukiecat · 26/10/2021 20:09

I wore black jeans to my uncle's very posh funeral a few year ago.

They were all I had, I never wear trousers or have anything else black, struggled even to find a dark coloured top.

I wore grey boots as again I had nothing black, and only had soft Primark shoes in pastel colours.

No-one batted an eyelid, it was more important to be there.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page