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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it okay to wear black jeans to a ‘wake’?

120 replies

Peridotty · 22/10/2021 20:38

My DH is going to a family member’s viewing. He has a black shirt but no black suit trousers or black shoes. The family member passed away suddenly and the cremation is happening tomorrow. He is flying to there in 4 hours time so no time to buy anything new. He has black jeans and blue trainers. Would that be okay or not? There is no funeral but it’s a 30 minute viewing before the cremation.

OP posts:
simitra · 23/10/2021 02:01

Mourning is done in the heart. A funeral is just a show for the world.

mathanxiety · 23/10/2021 03:26

Also he's coming in to an airport not a corn field.
@Bonsaibreaker
A lot of airports in the US are pretty much in cornfields.
I'm thinking of places like Kansas City International Airport, or Omaha, or Little Rock, and there is a multitude of other smaller cities whose airports don't even have much by way of food choices.

Pachonga · 23/10/2021 04:09

I don’t know why the OP came here. He doesn’t own any smart clothes and apparently he can’t buy any so what did you want? Everyone to say it’s fine to wear trainers to a funeral, because it isn’t.

rrhuth · 23/10/2021 04:13

@MissTrip82

I think it would be quite a stretch to read disrespect onto jumping on a plane to attend a wake at short notice, no matter what is worn. It would be a shame if any of his relatives were so small-minded or so easily distracted from the purpose of the event.
This is what I think too.

Those who obsess about details are lacking in humanity.

madisonbridges · 23/10/2021 04:18

What was the point of the question? He was never going to wear anything different from black jeans and blue shoes so it didn't really matter what anybody said, did it?

rrhuth · 23/10/2021 04:22

What was the point of the question? It's a chat forum.

ducksalive · 23/10/2021 04:26

What was the point of this thread?
Your DP wasn't concerned at all and didn't want to make any effort.

I'm not sure why you bothered posting. If you felt uncomfortable with his lack of concern that would have been a different thread.

madisonbridges · 23/10/2021 04:37

@ducksalive. I agree.

Original poster
Peridotty · 23/10/2021 04:49

@ducksalive
@madisonbridges
As @rrhuth said it’s a chat forum, I also don’t know if there is any dress code to a wake. I have never been to a funeral before. I have only seen photos of funerals where everyone is dressed in black. I felt that trainers and jeans are not the best, if it were me and I knew there was a dress code I would go out a buy new clothes. However neither of us know if there is a dress code or not. My husband doesn’t want to go out and buy something new for this, which I guess is his prerogative. He feels that he is showing up which is the main thing.

OP posts:
MintyCedric · 23/10/2021 05:00

I think the trainers in particular are a bit borderline, but equally, we held my dad's funeral 5 months ago and I can't remember what a single person wore, and certainly didn't give it any thought on the day.

It's his family and if he doesn't think it's an issue then presumably he knows them well enough to make that judgement call.

madisonbridges · 23/10/2021 05:00

@Peridotty. So you were asking for you rather than your husband who'd already decided what he was wearing? Then I guess that makes a difference but why didn't you say to people making suggestions that there was no point because he was wearing black jeans and blue shoes regardless?
Anyway, I'm sorry for his loss and I hope all goes well tomorrow. Ultimately him showing up is the most important thing and I'm sure the huge effort he is making in travelling such a distance will be much appreciated.

LynetteScavo · 23/10/2021 06:47

All else fails, black socks over the trainers if they are a bright blue

This has to be the most ridiculous suggestion I have ever read on MN.

It's made me proper laugh though. In year to come no one will remember he wore blue trainers - they would remember if he walked around with socks over his shoes though!

I think back jeans are acceptable. I'm sorry your DH had to rush off under these circumstances @Peridotty

Aprilx · 23/10/2021 07:05

@Peridotty

He’s gone to the airport now. We didn’t get any clothes for him. He might borrow his brother’s black trousers if he has any when he arrives. He will wear his blue trainers though. I guess it’s his family, he will know whether they mind or not. It’s a small wake. I am not going. He will be back tomorrow. I’ll ask him if he felt odd or not.
The blue trainers are the most disrespectful part of his outfit.

I am gobsmacked that a grown up man does not have access to a pair of trousers and a pair of shoes. Perhaps that is something he could think about correcting for going forward.

20viona · 23/10/2021 07:18

I don't see an issue at all.

ThatsWhatI · 23/10/2021 07:19

It'll be fine no ones going to be bothered unless he was wearing trousers that weren't black

ThatsWhatI · 23/10/2021 07:21

It will be a bit weird that he doesn't have a normal pair of shoes

Witchcraftandhokum · 23/10/2021 07:34

Honestly, he was never going to wear anything else. He was never going to make the effort and personally I think it's disrespectful. If I'd been going with him I would have been a bit embarrassed.

ducksalive · 23/10/2021 13:32

I hope the day goes ok for him OP.

I don't think he is being particularly respectful but equally people aren't going to be focused on his clothes either.

Longer term he might find it useful to have a formal pair of shoes and trousers for more formal events.

Eralos · 23/10/2021 14:22

I don’t think it’s appropriate to wear jeans to a wake.

SenecaFallsRedux · 23/10/2021 14:47

I think it depends a lot on where in the US. I live in the Deep South. Jeans and trainers would not be appropriate generally for a wake or a funeral, but it's also not necessary to wear black.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 23/10/2021 14:51

@jackstini

Does he have any other dark trousers? Does he have any shoes apart from blue trainers?

He could buy something very cheap from Walmart or Mervyns or something...

All else fails, black socks over the trainers if they are a bright blue

That has to be then craziest thing I've read on here for a long time !
AuntieObnoxious · 23/10/2021 15:06

I’ve been to a number of funerals/wakes in the last few years and I’ve noticed how relaxed the dress code has become. Black jeans sound fine to me.

Onlinedilema · 23/10/2021 15:21

Whenever I've been to a funeral, everyone without exception has worn black formal clothing. The only exceptions have been where the deceased had specifically requested a different dress code, for example ever one to wear pink.
I'm not in the USA though.

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 23/10/2021 15:30

People are so strange. Someone buys a plane ticket wiith a few hours notice and flys four hours to attend a wake, and there are people who'd be offended by clean, dark coloured trainers and black jeans. Some people have very, very strangely misplaced priorities.

Doubledoorsontogarden · 23/10/2021 15:40

Are there shops at the airport?

Your DH’s clothing isn’t the norm for a funeral or a wake. I would see this as disrespectful tbh