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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is it okay to wear black jeans to a ‘wake’?

120 replies

Peridotty · 22/10/2021 20:38

My DH is going to a family member’s viewing. He has a black shirt but no black suit trousers or black shoes. The family member passed away suddenly and the cremation is happening tomorrow. He is flying to there in 4 hours time so no time to buy anything new. He has black jeans and blue trainers. Would that be okay or not? There is no funeral but it’s a 30 minute viewing before the cremation.

OP posts:
ducksalive · 22/10/2021 21:18

If he is flying to the USA there are lots of clothing shops in the major European airports he should be able to buy dark shoes and trousers there.

MrsRobbieHart · 22/10/2021 21:20

@MrsRobbieHart

And certainly not black.
By this I mean- there is certainly no unspoken rule that you should wear black at a wake. You can, but it’s not expected.
MrsRobbieHart · 22/10/2021 21:21

@Bonsaibreaker

Where is that if you don't mind me asking?
NI
Original poster
Peridotty · 22/10/2021 21:21

@ducksalive he lives in the US and is flying to another part of the US
@Bonsaibreaker I live in centre of Boston, no charity shops near me. We also don’t have time to shop. He is also not keen on rushing out to buy something right now.
@Cryalot2 I don’t know, I didn’t know it was fine to rewear the wedding suit for a funeral, it’s a light navy colour though.

Is it okay to wear black jeans to a ‘wake’?
OP posts:
ducksalive · 22/10/2021 21:23

You don't have a target near you? Or similar?

Somebodylikeyew · 22/10/2021 21:23

I think he needs to get something else tbh. Surely there’s a shop somewhere, even at the airport?

Bonsaibreaker · 22/10/2021 21:29

Bullshit.
Boston has many shops/goodwill I just googled it. Also he's coming in to an airport not a corn field.

He is also not keen on rushing out to buy something right now

Truth is he doesn't actually care.

It's not a huge deal to pick cheap black shoes or black pants.

It's Boston not Alaska. He has options.

Original poster
Peridotty · 22/10/2021 21:36

@Bonsaibreaker we don’t have a car though. Never seen a goodwill in the centre of Boston. We have never been to goodwill. Seems like it would be hit or miss finding a pair that fits anyway. He is going to the airport in 2 hours so no time to travel far.
@ducksalive there is a large enough Target but not walkable distance.

OP posts:
Bonsaibreaker · 22/10/2021 21:39

Seriously there are no taxis or buses or family friends that could get him to a clothes shop?

Boston has what 500,000 people in it...do none of the go to shops to buy clothes?

Have a nice evening OP this thread is stupid.

GoingOutOutNEVER · 22/10/2021 21:43

When I die I will not care what a person wears to my funeral

HyacinthsHydrangeas · 22/10/2021 21:46

I'm an American--where in the US is this funeral taking place? Is it in a house of worship? I'm going to say if the location is suburban or rural, and if it's secular or almost any kind of Protestant, totally fine to wear jeans or trainers and people will just be happy that he's there. Anyway, what are they going to do? Ask him to leave? Anybody who makes a comment is going to be the one who looks like an inconsiderate jerk, not him.

HyacinthsHydrangeas · 22/10/2021 21:51

Also, given the timeline where there has been a sudden death, no funeral, just a short calling before a cremation--the people who matter are likely to be in such turmoil that they will be emotionally incapable of even seeing that your husband is wearing clothes, never mind what they are. He would probably need to be in a bunny suit before it registered with them. He should go in whatever he has and not sweat it.

merrymelody · 22/10/2021 21:52

He should be able to get his hands on a suit fairly easily in the US.

MasterBeth · 22/10/2021 22:03

It is respectful for someone going to a funeral or a wake to give a shit about what they wear. Black jeans - OK, if they’re smart not scruffy and they’re all you have. Blue trainers - no. Make an effort. Four hours in a major city is plenty of time to buy something. HIBU.

ducksalive · 22/10/2021 22:24

I would suggest click and collect, or a item availability check from Target and then a couple of Ubers.
It really should be very simple to buy a decent pair of trousers and a pair of shoes in the center of a major USA city.
I also live in one and have several Targets I could Uber to not to mention more upmarket shops.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 22/10/2021 23:02

It’s very very odd that you don’t want him to wear the suit he got married in. But that is an aside given he does not have it.

If there is absolutely nothing he can do then that’s that. But if I were him I’d really try to get black shoes and black or dark trousers. If it’s a choice of the 2 I’d go for black shoes. Blue trainers will seem very jarring.

RampantIvy · 22/10/2021 23:17

@Beefmeupscotty

If that's all he's got it'll have to do but it's pretty shocking that an adult man doesn't own a single suit or smart outfit suitable for a funeral.
I don't think so. DH works from home and never has any reason to wear a suit.

I made him buy one when his mum got very old and ill, and I'm glad I did because he needed it when she died. Apart from that he has only worn it once more since then.

WellLarDeDar · 22/10/2021 23:23

In my family that would be really disrespectful but not every family would feel the same soo...

Original poster
Peridotty · 22/10/2021 23:58

He’s gone to the airport now. We didn’t get any clothes for him. He might borrow his brother’s black trousers if he has any when he arrives. He will wear his blue trainers though. I guess it’s his family, he will know whether they mind or not. It’s a small wake. I am not going. He will be back tomorrow. I’ll ask him if he felt odd or not.

OP posts:
Original poster
Peridotty · 23/10/2021 00:00

He doesn’t think it was necessary to buy black shoes or black trainers so that’s why he didn’t bother.

OP posts:
Bonsaibreaker · 23/10/2021 00:00

It won't matter if he feels odd after the fact. He has had ample opportunity to sort it out and hasn't.

Unreasonabubble · 23/10/2021 00:31

I would not give a toss as to what he was wearing. I would just be glad to know he was there and paying his respects.

MissTrip82 · 23/10/2021 00:46

I think it would be quite a stretch to read disrespect onto jumping on a plane to attend a wake at short notice, no matter what is worn. It would be a shame if any of his relatives were so small-minded or so easily distracted from the purpose of the event.

Thursa · 23/10/2021 01:17

Dark clothes are fine. I travelled home to see my mum when she was ill, not expecting her to die while I was there. We had no black clothes with us, I was 7 months pregnant, no money for shopping. Nobody said a thing.

40 years ago my cousin showed up at my granny’s funeral in a pink suit. That one I still think about.

steff13 · 23/10/2021 01:28

I've been to many visitations and funerals in the US (we don't generally call it a wake unless you're Catholic), and people wear all sorts of different types of clothes I think he's probably fine. But it's hard to imagine that there was no thrift store or Target or Walmart or Men's Wearhouse or Marshalls or something anywhere in the vicinity of Boston.