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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to push for a baby in this situation?

86 replies

CuriousELF · 22/10/2021 17:26

First post on here so apologies if not formatted correctly, am desperate for some outside perspective and can't talk to family and friends objectively.

So a bit of background, DH and I have been married for nearly 5 years, babies were always on the to do list, but life has got in the way over the past few years so we haven't gone for it. It's probably been more my priority compared to his but he does want a family and has said recently he regrets not trying earlier. He has a condition which means we need ivf, not for fertility reasons but functional reasons shall I say. Our fertility testing has come back excellent so our clinic (and Drs) have said we have a very high chance of first time success when we do finally hit go on IVF.

Now for the situation, I have recently started a new job, it was my dream job coming into it, great salary (over £20k more than I was on previously) wonderful business and I was so excited to start. However since starting my role has changed a lot to one I am not overly happy in, my responsibilities have changed and are now areas I am not overly specialised in so am struggling. I am pretty confident I won't be passing my probation which ends in December (70/30 sure) I have little support from up high at work so although I have been asking for feedback its not been coming through, I also know the last 3 people in my role have failed their probation periods so its all weighing down on me.

Currently I am the higher earner after DH had to take a large pay cut in his new role post COVID and is actively looking for another role to get back to his old salary level.

We were planning to go for IVF in early January 2022 and have had most of our testing done, DH has had sperm extracted and is chilling in a freezer.

I am currently still pushing to go ahead regardless of what happens with my job but DH is pushing back, for me its important to keep to Jan 2022 as otherwise we will need to wait until June (we have a big trip planned for late April until nearly the end of May and its one where I definitely don't want to risk being in my first trimester for) and I'm honestly done waiting, in my view I have waited years, I no longer care about the life hurdles. We'd still be 'ok' if I lost my job, but I do see where DH is coming from as he is earning significantly less than before (his current role is on £33k less than his previous one) but we have savings and I am confident I can find another job relatively fast, it just won't be on the same salary as I am on now (will be closer to my old salary, if not a tiny bit lower if I am in a rush)

It's causing a fair amount of friction so I wanted to get a view on how unreasonable I am being for pushing on this.

OP posts:

Fallagain · 22/10/2021 17:33

How old are you?
Personally I would wait. Financial stability is important for children.

Original poster

CuriousELF · 22/10/2021 17:34

@Fallagain

How old are you? Personally I would wait. Financial stability is important for children.

I am 27, DH is 33

I think deep down I know he is right, but I have waited so long (or at least it feels like it) all sense is going out of the window and I am struggling to be rational

OP posts:

Animood · 22/10/2021 17:36

Wait.

You're only 27. You have 10+ years of good fertility ahead of you.

3luckystars · 22/10/2021 17:39

I would not wait. Not another minute. The earlier you have children, the longer you get to spend with them.

Good luck.

JurgensCakeBaby · 22/10/2021 17:40

Wait, you won't be entitled to mat benefits of you change while pregnant or get pregnant very quickly in a new role. Start looking for a new job now. You're only 27 you've got ages. I had DS at 34 and was the youngest of my close friends, most have had their children mid to late thirties to make sure career progression was well underway and they were financially secure

CaptainMerica · 22/10/2021 17:42

Start looking for another job now, and postpone it until the middle of next year, would be my advice.

JurgensCakeBaby · 22/10/2021 17:42

@luckystars that's a ridiculous statement, I could have a baby at 34 and live to 95 you could have a baby at 25 and die at 60. It also sounds like the kind of sentiment you see alongside 'live, laugh, love' 'making memories' and other twee nonsense

BurntO · 22/10/2021 17:43

I’d wait. You’re only 27. I find it bizarre that you’d push it back for a holiday but your job is of little concern? Just wait and see

CorrBlimeyGG · 22/10/2021 17:43

It's your trip that's causing the timing issue. Why can't you cancel or reschedule?

GuidingSpirit · 22/10/2021 17:43

I think at 27 you have time. Also, you may find you change your mind about travelling when pregnant. Either because if you have a high risk pregnancy, you might have lots of appointments than you expect, but also i was surprised at how much i wanted to be at home when pregnant. My morning sickness didn't stop until 20weeks and i would not have wanted to be anywhere except home.

peachgreen · 22/10/2021 17:45

Wait. You're only 27. You have tons of time.

AliceinBorderland · 22/10/2021 17:45

Push for a baby. You mean force your DH to do something he doesn't want to do when you're soon to be out of work and he has a massive pay cut?!

How does that work? How are you proposing to make him do it?

Clymene · 22/10/2021 17:45

I'm a bit confused by your timing and your 'big trip'. If you start ivf in January, you're likely to be in your 1st trimester by late April. I'd start after your 'big trip' to be honest. You're really young and a big trip when you're pregnant seems like a really odd thing to plan.

peachgreen · 22/10/2021 17:45

And unless you're very lucky or very driven, your career will take years to get back on track after having kids so it's best to be somewhere you're comfortable and happy first.

CityKitty · 22/10/2021 17:46

I 100% understand why you don't want to wait, but can definitely see where your DH is coming from, especially since he has had such a paycut, even if he still earns well it will be a big adjustment and might be too much change in one go for him. So lightly YABU

Fallagain · 22/10/2021 17:49

Then at 27 I would definitely wait. A lot of your post is about your job and you even wrote more about your holiday then having a child. Do you actually want a baby/child right now?

BrunoJenkins · 22/10/2021 17:51

He has a condition which means we need ivf, not for fertility reasons but functional reasons shall I say.

I don't understand this

CuriousElf1 · 22/10/2021 17:53

@BurntO

I’d wait. You’re only 27. I find it bizarre that you’d push it back for a holiday but your job is of little concern? Just wait and see

OP here, got locked out of my account and can't get back in so made another one!

I never said holiday, its a trip we can't push back as have got to the end of the covid reschedule system (was booked for 2020, then this year and now finally in for 2022!) I wouldn't willingly push it back, but I don't want to travel in early pregnancy so its Jan cycle or wait until we are back.

Clementineapples · 22/10/2021 17:53

You’re only young but literally anything could happen.
If you’re waiting for ‘financial stability’ you’ll be waiting forever. Nobody knows what the future holds, nobody expected covid and job losses and furlough. Parents have to deal with it and get through it and you will too.

CuriousElf1 · 22/10/2021 17:54

@CorrBlimeyGG

It's your trip that's causing the timing issue. Why can't you cancel or reschedule?

Apologies, had to create new account (couldn't get back in to my original one!) can't reschedule anymore, was booked in for 2020, then booked for this year and 2022 is now put in, unless another lockdown happens we won't be able to reschedule again unfortunately.

MrsTulipTattsyrup · 22/10/2021 17:55

@Clementineapples

You’re only young but literally anything could happen. If you’re waiting for ‘financial stability’ you’ll be waiting forever. Nobody knows what the future holds, nobody expected covid and job losses and furlough. Parents have to deal with it and get through it and you will too.

Fair enough that there’s never a right time, but actively choosing to try to get pregnant when OP is the main earner but isn’t in a position where she will get paid maternity leave seems to be the wrong time.

Animood · 22/10/2021 17:56

@3luckystars

I would not wait. Not another minute. The earlier you have children, the longer you get to spend with them.

Good luck.

I think this is a bit "head in the clouds" if I'm honest.

OPs job is obviously important to her, plus children need money. Lots of money!

We have no clue how long we will have with our kids. At 27, waiting a bit until careers and finances are stable is sensible.

CuriousElf1 · 22/10/2021 17:56

@AliceinBorderland

Push for a baby. You mean force your DH to do something he doesn't want to do when you're soon to be out of work and he has a massive pay cut?!

How does that work? How are you proposing to make him do it?

If I push enough he will understand how much this means to me and will compromise, but it will be a battle. Hence asking. He has had a massive pay rise but still earns very well, just less than before. We'd still be ok financially with me not in work even in his current role, but his view is he'd prefer to be back in the 'comfortable' realm.

HeartsAndClubs · 22/10/2021 17:56

The way your post is written it makes it sound as if IVF is something to get over with, not a desperate longing for a baby.

It’s time specific because of the logistics but in truth if you were trying naturally nobody would advise you to start trying for a baby when you’re potentially about to lose your job and he’s just had a massive pay cut.

Aside from which, it sounds as if your holiday is more important to you than having a baby.

Let’s be honest here, there are no guarantees of being able to get another job. Unless you’re in the hospitality industry jobs really aren’t ten a penny, and there are hundreds of applicants for most. Plus if you don’t pass your probation period in this one it could affect your reference on your CV and make it harder.

If you start a new job after getting pregnant you won’t be entitled to any kind of maternity benefits, added to which if your career isn’t yet established having a baby is going to delay that significantly.

I would focus on your finances, have stability, get a decent new job and become well established in that job.

In truth I would wait a couple of years.

Fetarabbit · 22/10/2021 17:57

I'd look for another job now if you feel you won't have much trouble finding one, being eligible for enhanced maternity pay (if they offer it) will make such a difference. It might feel like jumping the gun, but it's a practical thing to think about. Being financially secure is alleviates a whole lot of stress.

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