AIBU to push for a baby in this situation?

[CuriousELF]

First post on here so apologies if not formatted correctly, am desperate for some outside perspective and can't talk to family and friends objectively.

So a bit of background, DH and I have been married for nearly 5 years, babies were always on the to do list, but life has got in the way over the past few years so we haven't gone for it. It's probably been more my priority compared to his but he does want a family and has said recently he regrets not trying earlier. He has a condition which means we need ivf, not for fertility reasons but functional reasons shall I say. Our fertility testing has come back excellent so our clinic (and Drs) have said we have a very high chance of first time success when we do finally hit go on IVF.

Now for the situation, I have recently started a new job, it was my dream job coming into it, great salary (over £20k more than I was on previously) wonderful business and I was so excited to start. However since starting my role has changed a lot to one I am not overly happy in, my responsibilities have changed and are now areas I am not overly specialised in so am struggling. I am pretty confident I won't be passing my probation which ends in December (70/30 sure) I have little support from up high at work so although I have been asking for feedback its not been coming through, I also know the last 3 people in my role have failed their probation periods so its all weighing down on me.

Currently I am the higher earner after DH had to take a large pay cut in his new role post COVID and is actively looking for another role to get back to his old salary level.

We were planning to go for IVF in early January 2022 and have had most of our testing done, DH has had sperm extracted and is chilling in a freezer.

I am currently still pushing to go ahead regardless of what happens with my job but DH is pushing back, for me its important to keep to Jan 2022 as otherwise we will need to wait until June (we have a big trip planned for late April until nearly the end of May and its one where I definitely don't want to risk being in my first trimester for) and I'm honestly done waiting, in my view I have waited years, I no longer care about the life hurdles. We'd still be 'ok' if I lost my job, but I do see where DH is coming from as he is earning significantly less than before (his current role is on £33k less than his previous one) but we have savings and I am confident I can find another job relatively fast, it just won't be on the same salary as I am on now (will be closer to my old salary, if not a tiny bit lower if I am in a rush)

It's causing a fair amount of friction so I wanted to get a view on how unreasonable I am being for pushing on this.

@Clymene

Honestly, I'd wait until after your big trip. It doesn't matter if it's a holiday or not, your assumption that you're going to be feeling tickety boo in your pregnancy the moment you tick over into the 2nd trimester, and that it will work first time (I'm assuming your taking about IUI rather than ICSI or IVF?) is putting a lot of pressure on.

Get your job sorted first, get pregnant after.

Nope, I'm talking about ivf. As we have no fertility issues and the clinic has a 90% success rate (for under 30 with no failed ivf rounds) we are confident of a first time success.

Absolutely wait

I would definitely wait. I had my first baby at 28 and was a freelancer at the time, so only had stat maternity pay, which is peanuts. DH was a fairly low earner at the time.

My second maternity leave, with 6 months paid mat leave, felt so much less stressful. We could do lots more activities, buy slightly nicer baby things, go off for short breaks, and actively enjoy the time at home with baby, rather than having a constantly niggling concern about how long the savings would last.

I do get the desire for a baby, but in reality you are likely to still be on the younger side even if you delay a year - our NCT class was between 5-10 years older than us. Nothing will spoil by delaying and your DH will be able to enjoy the baby much more if he’s not fretting about bearing the sole responsibility for earning money.

@MalFunkshun

I would definitely wait. I had my first baby at 28 and was a freelancer at the time, so only had stat maternity pay, which is peanuts. DH was a fairly low earner at the time.

My second maternity leave, with 6 months paid mat leave, felt so much less stressful. We could do lots more activities, buy slightly nicer baby things, go off for short breaks, and actively enjoy the time at home with baby, rather than having a constantly niggling concern about how long the savings would last.

I do get the desire for a baby, but in reality you are likely to still be on the younger side even if you delay a year - our NCT class was between 5-10 years older than us. Nothing will spoil by delaying and your DH will be able to enjoy the baby much more if he’s not fretting about bearing the sole responsibility for earning money.

Thank you for this, you are right if I get another role and it offers enhanced mat leave it will make it a lot easier, we were already saying due to the current split in salary we'd be looking at shared parental leave, which isn't my ideal as I was hoping for the full year off, but being the higher earner it made sense to split.

I think until this year its been easier to push back when life got in the way, new house, bereavements etc. but when all your friends are getting pregnant it starts to hit home, we both regret not going for it earlier, as some of the life barriers before were nothing compared to this, DH really regrets it tbh but what can we do (except find a time machine!)

Surely IVF can't ever be guaranteed first time round?

I had kids at 21 and 23. Best thing I did. We're 31 and 32 now. Own our own home and got decent (not in MN terms) jobs and we managed it all with kids in tow. I wouldn't have been able to cope with a baby now. My disability has become a lot worse than when I was younger

@Howshouldibehave

There are a lot of big salary numbers being mentioned here but how do they actually affect things?

You’ve got a job on £20k more than usual but think you’ll fail the probation. DH has lost his job and is now earning £30k less.

If you lose this job and end up on your old salary with no mat benefits and he stays on his current salary-what will you collectively earn? Is that enough for you to have a baby?

He is currently on £55k, so would cope on just the one salary, but can see while he is still adjusting to such a cut he doesn't really want to think about even less household income. I currently earn £65k, but would struggle to find another role for that, it was an anomaly getting this one tbh, would most likely go down to my old salary of £45k, maybe £40k if I was in a hurry to find something. We have decent levels of savings, but a chunk is earmarked for the ivf etc.

@DistrictCommissioner

Surely IVF can't ever be guaranteed first time round?

Nope, but the clinic has 90% success rates in under 30's with no failed previous IVF cycles, with our good fertility tests back as well they are extremely confident, as is my GP.

of course there is no 100% but they are very confident, if it needs another cycle that will of course have to wait until June regardless.

I would go through the IVF and keep the embryo(s) frozen until you’re more settled. If you’re younger and no fertility issues you’ve also got a higher chance of OHSS which is exacerbated if you then get pregnant, so a break to recover before the transfer would be better - speaking from painful experience!

@Aw273

I would go through the IVF and keep the embryo(s) frozen until you’re more settled. If you’re younger and no fertility issues you’ve also got a higher chance of OHSS which is exacerbated if you then get pregnant, so a break to recover before the transfer would be better - speaking from painful experience!

how long did it take you to recover if you don't mind me asking?

we are booked in for natural ivf currently, but if that round is unsuccessful then would most likely go for full ivf in the June round so keen to understand more, as the stats look scary but a real world example might help me understand a bit more :)

It was a good month or so of being swollen like a balloon and unable to walk more than 15 minutes because of the pain, and then another month to get completely back to normal, although one of my ovaries was still 5 times the normal size at the 12 week scan!

I am NOT saying that you have to do what your DH says but disagreeing over it is not a great way to into IVF. A couple of my younger work colleagues had it and both found it hard going....worth it but hard...and they had the full and unconditional support of their partners.
As others have said, maybe you are downplaying but "on the to do list" and timing it to fit around a big holiday don't sound like baby craving?

Totally off topic but why are you having IVF if you have no fertility issues?

I hope you're not paying for it!

Id wait until after the trip op. The time will fly by. In terms of age you have plenty of time(I'm 37 and pregnant). As another poster has said you don't know how you'll be during your pregnancy and may just want to be at home. You might be totally fine but why chance it if you don't have to. With my 2nd I threw up until I was gone 5 months then spent the rest of the time feeling like I was going to throw up due to horrendous heartburn. The sciatica also meant getting around wasn't the easiest

I agree it's much better to crack on - there's never really a perfect time for a baby. It would be better to have a paid maternity leave though. Give it a year tops til your current role sorts itself out or you find a new one.

As long as you either freeze your eggs or start before 35 you have time. You might be fertile beyound 40 too but if was to start again I wouldnt risk my fertility as a given over 35. I did have a baby no issue at 40 btw. But after being on some older fertility boards, getting pg after 40 really isnt a total given. So you have time

What you're really asking is should you force parenthood on someone who has reservations and wants to wait

No. No you should not. Both parties need to be on board.

I'd wait till after your trip but not long after. My BFF was on her honeymoon when she was in her second trimester (it was booked in advance of knowing she'd be pregnant) and suffered with horrendous morning sickness throughout her pregnancy, it doesn't always stop when you hit the second trimester unfortunately

27? .....Crack on....

I just can't get my head around the idea that at 27 and 33 you are both making the kind of money where your salaries can go up or down by 20-33k and this is not a life-changing event. Re baby, I'd say just go for it if you're ready. You've clearly got enough money, job or no job, and if you want a baby it's all very well people saying 'youve got ages' but while statistically that may be true, it won't necessarily be true for you and you don't need the "what if". If your husband doesn't want to you can't however so you need to get him onside. Just pushing isn't going to work, so reason with him.

I agree with previous posters who say you should wait until after your big trip. One can still feel pretty shit in the second trimester (I was sick, all day, every day until 20 weeks). Also, what happens if the first round of IVF is unsuccessful? Do you plough ahead with a second round meaning you travel during the first trimester or postpone until after?
If you're not comfortable in your current job, why not look for a new post now? Then go on your trip. Settle into a new job then do the IVF.

@3luckystars

I would not wait. Not another minute. The earlier you have children, the longer you get to spend with them.

Good luck.

I agree.

I don’t understand the argument that you could die young or old, you’d still get more time.

I personally wanted my family finished before 30. 27 is a great age to start in my opinion.

I had ivf at 25, perfect fertility (issue around DH motility) my first round failed. It took two years to conceive via ivf.

I would go for it

Please wait. I had my DD at 27. DP 31. We were not financially stable at all even though we convinced ourselves it would be fine. Having a baby is hard enough without having to worry about money

Sounds like you really want to go for it now. So go for it, and be prepared for it to take a while, possibly more than 1 cycle, but you have age on your side - the younger the better for IVF obviously. You need to get DH on board though.